Day Four

You have not been calling nor texting. I know the two weeks time you asked for is just a way to ask me to let go of you. I will. Cried too much, no matter by how much i wanted you back, things can never will be the same ever again. No more babyboy such thing. Everything has gone. Including you. You have left me just when i needed you most.


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Day Three

I am feeling more and more helpless about us. I miss you every now and then and I miss you even more even though I try to limit myself to. But the hurtful feelings...I can't put words to it. They are just too painful to be bear alone. I am wondering how about you there. Do you struggle like I do as well in order to pass through another day or you are really happy to be on your own now without my phone calls and existence.

Whenever there are people around me, I found myself that I can still control to put you off my mind for a little while. But it is only for a little while. I know I need to be strong. Not to defend our relationship anymore but be strong to learn the fact to let go. I know you really really really wanted to end this. No more babyboy or babygirl sort of relationship anymore. I wanted to tell you so badly that I don't want to. Tonight in particular, I have made it to Day Three.

But you can never understand my fear when the arrival of Day Fourteen when you finally tell me straight to the fact, we can never ever be together again. And that's the downfall of my life as I have built up my most of everthing around us.

Day Two

Still find myself struggling to let go of you from my mind for a moment. I succeeded not crying on Day One but I lost it today. I cried for 3 times in a row. My period came today, as usual, i have pretty bad menstrual cramps. Luckily it wasn't much of pain this time, i managed to ease the pain myself by taking ponstan. I found out that i miss you so much. I miss the "you" who would start cracking jokes to make me laughed and how much you used to say how you wanted to assist me and to comfort me and how bad you felt for not being able to be with me and to take care of me. I miss you and i seriously do.

I came home at 5 in the morning, later around 8 plus i need to be at work. I really don't like what am I doing now but it seems there are no choices anymore because my babyboy will not care for me anymore. Once again, the thought of ending my life triggered me but I guess I can still take it. I love you still. So much.

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Day One

Day One: i have painfully managed to pull through a day not calling or texting you like said you wanted some space on your own. It was real tough. I wonder how my remaining balance of the 13 days would be. You promised you will call on the second weekend Saturday. I hope you will going to do that and we will be just alright like before.

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What went wrong

I literally felt so suffocated right now. I don't know what has exactly went wrong until my bf has to ignore me. That hurts...way too much. I have feelings too... I don't know why must he treat me like this during christmas. I dont know how to heal myself, every beating of the heart...it hurts a little. What fuck has happened? Felt so helpless that i almost wanted to end my life. I cannot take heartbreaks. I can't afford to take anymore...

Testing 123

Just installed blogpress app to my iPhone! Testing it now...


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Privatised.

Babyboy has sound his dissatisfaction towards me blogging about him. Thus has some deep thoughts and came up with a harsh solution to myself which is to wrap up this blog and only keep this to myself. My only room for pouring out my thoughts and feelings has seemed to be sealed. Not completely but just felt being stored up with partial space allowed.

I am unhappy. However, I do comprehend I need to be concerned about his feelings too for sharing bits and pieces about our personal lives, making as if there are no privacy at all. He minds about me going around bitching about him in my own blog. He minds about how my friends who read about my blog and deceive him. I pretty much got the whole picture. Privatizing this blog doesn’t mean I think he is completely right and I agree with him, just that being in a distance relationship and to keep it going… I just need to take a step backward and give in to him. Of course, I want him to be happy being with me as well... hehe

You are an ass...

I am pissed and lost at words. Its bloody 3 plus in the early morning, i am still wide awake and i need to be in the office before 0830. Do you think you are being a bit too much this time? Thanks for making me being over worried about your safety which turned out to be unnecessary. 

I can tell you now i fuckingly hate distance relationship now.

"January"

You know there is this song called “January” sang by an Indonesian artiste, Glenn Fredly. Speak so much all out of a sudden.

Berat bebanku
Meninggalkanmu
Separuh nafas jiwaku
Sirna...

Bukan salahmu
Apa dayaku
Mungkin benar cinta sejati
Tak berpihak
Pada kita

Reff:
Kasihku
Sampai disini kisah kita
Jangan tangisi keadaannya
Bukan karena kita berbeda

Dengarkan
Dengarkan lagu.....lagu ini
Melodi rintihan hati ini
Kisah kita berakhir di Januari
Selamat tinggal kisah sejatiku
Wow....pergilah

I met Uncle Wong four times in a week already. Twice in person, twice in dreams. Funny dreams though. His friends told me that I am the right person, just which things will and could be somehow better if I were to stay and start afresh with him. Who possibly could do so? Well, at least I know I can’t possibly accept my other half to hurt me in such a way. He WAS a right guy at a very right time.

I have a short talk with him face to face the other night. Plan chat with boring topics and massive naggings again… There are still some certain feelings holding us back that make us talk awkwardly even though we have broken up in January this year (which is why this song speaks so much to me)

What makes me feel more awkward is the way he was looking into my eyes that night…his eyes seem telling me that, what he has for me was real and even until now, be it I am already attached with my current bf or he has been secretly engaged in a new relationship…what we have shared, what we have endured, what we have fought about…we really have given so much of patience and everything with him is real. Even those lies are real…they were told to protect my feelings. If only I choose to see his love this way, maybe I would opt to stay.

But life is that contradictory, it was wrong to love like that. I am not that drunk in being in love, I guess. The rightest thing to be done about us is "breaking up" because I realized I was too tired to love Uncle Wong in the way he wanted me to and he was too tired as well to try loving me in the way I demanded for. With my current boyfriend, I found something in spectacular...that love is not a compromise. You just love because you simply want to and it is unexplainable. And when you love, you would try doing a lot of things for the other half to be happy being with you.

Promises are shit.

Once again, mind torturing. Once again, I went speechless. Remember the promise you made while hugging me in bed? That you will hide no more if your ex contacts you back…even the simplest thing ever, you will let me know beforehand, because you don’t want me to be unhappy. I should have not made myself believe so much in it, I already know that all along promises are meant to be broken especially you, for it has happened too many times and not once or twice or thrice.

The message has been clearly delivered to her, and yet she can be such a disappointing human being. She is pushing my patience off its boundaries and I don’t like it. I seriously hate it. Do I look that stupid to anyone? Or perhaps to her, I don’t appear as a threat or even as your current girlfriend that needs to be respected in so many ways. I felt denied and you are contributing to the damage.

Battling between good and evil

I am unhappy. I cannot just pretend as if that comment has never been posted. I know it was purposely and intentionally written there for me to read. I don’t know why people around him can be so disappointing and so freaking immature and what have I done to them? Absolutely nothing. Why do I deserve then to be condemned and to be judged by irrelevant person in my life? Who do they think they are and what rights they got to do so? I am getting more tired and more tired each day dealing with human stupidities. I remain silent and stay unspoken doesn’t mean I am a person that is easy to deal with. I admit that I am a very emotional person and I have no patience at all, so stay away and stop putting irrelevant comments to try telling me something and yet be enigmatic about it. I know what are you trying to say, I know who are you referring to. I even know you won’t be reading my blog anyway, but I really wanted to tell you…I don’t like you at all and I won’t take time to know more about you so I would like you in the future. I won’t. I don’t mix with dim witted kinds and you are definitely one of it. Tell me I am mean and I know I am. :p

Apart from being damn unhappy yesterday, I still find happy thoughts. Before headed to bed last night, I chatted in MSN with my super long lost Sunday School Teacher, David Hung from Elim Gospel Hall. I used to call him Dai Wai gorgor. 13 years of complete silence from each other, I managed to bump into him in facebook. I really miss him. I remember going to church on Sunday and being taught on bible verses. Choirs and camps…Really brought back heaps of wonderful memories. The most exciting part is he is living in Hong Kong (my most favorite place to be) with his wonderful family and he is now a pastor. Although I have been away from Christianity and off track with him for quite some time, I feel very release and good with someone I could really share about myself, my inner thoughts without being judged, without fearing I said the wrong things…Just in time of need, I found a listener. Just in time of lost, I found hope. Life isn’t that depressing after all and I should really not waste time being unhappy with crappy people. Even if things are ugly, I should only allow myself to be sad, to be frustrated, to be hurt…for a day perhaps? Thank you so much!

Dumb Blonde

I know I have been really unspoken lately in my blog. It seems I have left it dead for a while before decided to drop by again with updates. Sometimes I really can go speechless with my life as myself…I do not know what I want from life or how I want it to be. Every now and then, I just wanted myself to be happy. As simple as that but in reality, it clearly shows happiness does not just happen like that, you need to work for it and you have to chase towards it and do some sacrifices to get the whole of it.

I did the dumbest thing ever. I actually went and sent my bf’s ex a message in Facebook. I wanted her to understand or try to be in my shoes that I really hate the idea of them keeping in touch. So many breakdown moments caused by this issue, so many heartbreaks I need to endure…So much of everything about her that almost cornered me with the urge of giving up our relationship. And so which I did…messaging her in FB, believing we are adults and I definitely can handle this issue myself hoping she would comprehend but right in the end, I just made myself the biggest fool of all. I am just allowing her to have thousand of reasons to condemn me. I was a bit disrupted when my bf told me that he heard this about me. And hey, it is so much of courage to actually click on the tab "send" and very soon, I regretted after the message is sent. Hahaha

The heart ached a little and I am not trying to be too defensive or what…I just thought if he is not making the move to protect me then I should do something to clarify to her. I even apologize to her when I definitely don’t need to…Well, some people are just plain disappointing. There are even more issues about her but I am just trying as much as I could to stay away. To stop myself over-worrying and it is a definite I must learn to loosen my grip and not putting love too ahead of everything. Gam Ba Teh! Who knows one day, I don’t need a man to live on and yet I can still be as happy as ever. :)

Accident.

I have not updated my blog for almost two weeks. Things are alright and filled with excitement. LOL. About few days ago, I just got myself into an accident. I actually rammed into a drain in the middle of the night, about one plus in the morning. I was totally shaken and seated at the highway’s roadside with my phone that has gone out of battery. But luckily things had fallen into places and I got home safely right in the end. The only damn thing is I need to fork out a sum of money. Argh.

Hmmph.

It's 3 plus in the morning now, just finished watching ten episodes of "You're Hired", a HongKong TVB drama series. Recommended by bf. Tummy still feel a bit bloated, I actually finished one Oversea's Shanghai mooncake all by myself.

I don't feel that sad anymore. I mean I still feel things are not completely alright yet but what's important now is...I still want to be with him, my bf, my babyboy, my other half. I don't know how he gotten me into so madly in love with him. Those feelings I have for my bf scared the shit out of me. How a single word from him would create such an impact to my emotions, how a single action he does that would actually made me lost my sanity.

I think I totally lost it when I was crying madly on the phone with him, hurting myself because I don't know how to let out all the frustration, and even crazy enough to have drove all the way to KL to try to work things out on a week day. I'm all good now. We may not have talked through the problem and we know well that we can't just pretend as if nothing has happened, but one thing I am sure of is both of us have been working real hard for our relationship. Sorry for being "too much" at times.

If I only knew the answers...

If I only I don’t need to feel what I am feeling now and if only I could control my emotions very well…Then I can proudly tell everyone I am indeed a happy person. Perhaps I put relationship too ahead of everything that has caused me to be so out of my mind when the fall hit the ground. I have been thinking too much lately, too much of junks that lead me to an almost mental breakdown. I have been worrying a lot too. What is wrong with me now and how am I going to put back myself together and when will I start to learn…Love is not everything?

Is there anyone?

Woke up with swollen eyes and bruises over the hands again. I once again wrapped with disappointment. I guess it is this much my heart can takes. Can someone make this heart pain stop? Can someone just care? Can someone just hold me tight and to show me that you really really love me with all your heart? Can someone just fucklingly bring me away from where I am now? I need a way out before I go and hurt myself again. I really don't like what I am doing to myself lately.

Is it just me?

I was given so much of time and chances to dig up the issue and bring it forward to bf but I didn’t. When I was awake the next day having him next to me, I just don’t feel like spoiling the moment by crying again. I was a little moody in the afternoon when we were at Kinta City Jusco waiting for the movie “Vengeance” to start but I did a good cover up.

I know I can talk through it during evening time when we were cuddling on my bed and also last night where we didn’t go out for any counting down celebration for Merdeka. But I let those chances of telling slipped by…As much as I understand about my own self; I know I can never stop crying again. So, I have chosen to keep quiet and cherish the moment where we could spend quality time together.

Once after once I was determined to leave and decided to give up, but it is also once after once, I realized over and over again, I’m truly deeply madly in love with my bf and I don’t wish quitting is an elucidation. I really can’t find explanations why is it so difficult to control my drastic emotions. At times, I guess it wasn’t his fault at all ever since from the beginning but me.

Fuck.

Feel like crying again. Bf is back, I should be glad that things have finally turned alright...Which I thought we were. However, I just found out AGAIN he's still keeping in touch with his ex. I had enough of being sad and crappy over the ex issue we have been arguing lately. Enough of getting suspicious if they are still keeping in touch. Enough of the whole fucking crap that made me cried for so many nights and start hurting myself ever again.

I just got so fucking lost. Why the pain must be endured by myself once after once...Why can't I have a more proper and trustful relationship? I just want someone that would care for me and my feelings more than anything else. I don't need a 10 carat diamond ring or branded stuff to keep me happy...I just want a boyfriend that would stop doing things that would hurt my in the end. I just want to be happy with him, I don't want to check on his bills again...check on his phone again. It's driving me nuts. It hurts even more when I got to know of things he didn't tell.

I can't find someone I can really talk to, someone who would understands how exactly I am feeling. I cried talking to Keith on the phone. He said he understands how it feels like as he has went through the same thing as well. I don't really get used crying in front of friend that is not so close...it must the alcohol again. Sigh...

Negative Signage.

I have forgotten to bring my iPhone to work today. The feelings can be best resembles as you have just misplaced your soul and yes, it is that serious. August is really a hectic month for work and I foresee next month could be even much worse. I am slowly drowning into the pool of workload which seems forever ongoing and piling up.

I have met heaps of new friends lately from clubbing. Some are real nice people to talk to and some are just crack-minded ones. I always enjoy making new friends but I have a real hard time maintaining the old ones. LOL. However, I do have a handful of besties that haven’t given up on me YET. So, it isn’t that bad, right? A new found friend, Keith Lim, has actually told me that he would be deadly worrying having a girlfriend like me. I don't know how much he has gotten himself to understand what sort of person am I but I took his words seriously... Is it because of my extensive social life that has cause Keith to have such thinking? Must I do something about it?

Well, I slowly feel that LDR is suffocating. I feel like withdrawing from it. Bf claimed that we need a talk since few weeks ago, but when we met up last 2 weeks…He just won’t touch on that sensitive issue. Is he try avoiding the subject and simply thinks that it would be best if both choose to ignore about it since we are already on talking terms and all? I really hope for an answer. At least, not just chuck it aside and assume things will be alright. It’s not. My heart burns when he hugs me because I am too afraid to get hurt once more.

Pondering still

Work has been overwhelming lately. Ever since the conversion to permanent, tasks assigned to me seem to be over piling and I almost choked to death while handling broadband inventory. Luckily I still got my assistant manager, KC, to assist me and also some of the helpful colleagues. During working hours, phone calls and sms to bf has been cut reduced tremendously. Just the other night, I asked him in MSN whether are we okay or not and I got a reply of “wishing we are okay”. So, we are not entirely okay?

I can’t have a solid answer about us. Trapped within fear still and I successfully did not check on his billing for almost 2 weeks, fearing I might break down in tears once more. However, I know as long as I am granted with the access to the system, I will continue to learn more if he will lie again or not. I really hated invading into his room of privacy but as much as I tried not to, I failed just like before. The only way out from this dilemma would be it’s either I let go of him or I quit my current job. It’s like torn between two.
Maybe I should work a way out to be transferred to another department instead?

First of all, is it a right decision to be in relationship again with someone you have lost faith? I can’t prolly answer this myself, if I do, I wouldn’t have given us another chance as well. So sad that I am confused on things I used to be so certain and determined. I seem to have lost all the things I have about us and I really hope, as we go on, I hope we would able to build our relationship based on honesty and trust again. I will be heading down KL later in the evening and we haven't be seeing each other for approximately 2 weeks edi...wondering how's things going to work...Sigh. Am so in doubts. I wanted to be happy but I scare I'll get hurt once more.

They are gone and will they ever return? Sigh...

An impulse to quit blogging has triggered me. I think it’s most prolly those frustrations and hurt I went through lately that have caused this. I want happy posts. I want them as beautiful memories that would never fade in my life, that’s why I keep them in my blog with my writings. I know life has ups and also downs, it could not be well balanced or be perfect all the time but if I am able to make a solid decision, I definitely would opt to be happily being in single life than worrying so much having a boyfriend that would do things that hurt me. But love doesn’t come in sanity. It’s in a package that changes are prohibited.

If people are to realize, all the blog entries are mainly about relationships. It’s about him, him and him and him only. Hahaha. So I find it pointless now to keep up my blog if I am only left with disappointment than contentment. However, on a second thought, I also ponder upon how I could release all those tangled emotions if I were to quit writing out my feelings at my own space. I hardly got loving parents or caring siblings that I could turn myself into or confide in. My family can only be best described as complicated. In fact, I wish they would bother me less.

I guess the closest person to me would be my bf. Looking at how things ended up lately, I can’t be sure of he’s the one I should trust in completely anymore. It’s pathetic, I know. I’m missing those gone moments where I used to trust without doubts. Will they ever return back to me? I just hate what I am feeling now. I can’t define happiness with a clear headed mind anymore. Life sucks. I have finally see him differently, not like I used to and it's sad.

S.H.E 我们怎么了

S.H.E 我们怎么了

落泪以前再看一眼 你模糊的脸
这会不会是最后纪念
我凝视你而你凝视 窗外的阴天
一句抱歉都僵在嘴边
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否住着伤口
我想不透 我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后 是否
能让什么 复活

你的笑脸还在胸前
晃动着昨天
为何回忆会让人晕血
如果我们继续向前走进雨里面
会不会有溶解的危险
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否住着伤口
我想不透 我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后 是否
能让什么 复活

明明从前
连真挚都很甜美
现在怎会
说句话就冷冻一边
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否住着伤口
我想不透
我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后 是否
能让什么 复活
***************************************

Don't know why felt that this song somehow relates to my feelings right now. Certain things really happen out from your prediction and will things ever stay the same? I guess not. :(

Why it has to be like this.

5.55pm
I just got my offer letter from HR on my conversion of contractual to permanent staff in Maxis. Hard work pays off. Finally, I got my so called promotion in black and white. I should be happy with what is offered to me now but I am not. I want back my laugher but I don’t know where to find it. Things I am so looking forward into doesn’t seem to matter now.

I am not okay…Who can I turn to, who can give me a hug of comfort and tell me things will be alright? Who can just protect me from all these pain and hurts? Why do I need to go through all these shit again? I broke down in tears again. Why loving a person can be this painful? Can’t it be a simplified? Can’t it be just you and me? What is all these now? I just want someone to love me unconditionally and not hurting me this way.

I don’t know how to let it out now. I’m really very very very unhappy. My right hand is so damn swollen with bruises and painful now. I don’t know what else I can do besides hurting myself. I don’t like and I really don’t want to injure myself ever again but I just did. Tears can’t stop flowing down my cheeks again looking at the facebook status, in a relationship with Steve Lai. I don’t know how to end it.

I'm such a fool.

I woke up this morning and still I'm crying. What has gone wrong here? Why wanted to ruin those happy feelings I have about us? I don't know what can I get from you anymore. Even you turned up at my doorstep last night, I don't feel touched like I used to. I feel so suffocated. So wrong and sorry for myself. I thought I finally deserve someone better after what I have gone through. But it is not a real thing. What we have at first and what is left for us now?

What have I done not enough this time or eventually is it because I have done too much? I really have tried to be a good girlfriend for you. I don't rant how tired was I during those road trips, I tried to cut down staying in touch wit guys that are after-ing me, I stay at home most of the time and hardly go out anymore, I wanna work my ways in my career to be converted to permanent so I could get a smoother transfer to KL in later days. But I realized it's stupid to do all these because what I got in the end is not what I wanted at all.

Gone nuts.

Joel,

I know you are reading my blog and you asked me if you could help...Yes. Please gather everyone in the center together to poo into a big pail and throw the pail at his ex's front gate, if you could dirty her car...that would be even more marvelous. I will love you to death. I will make sure you will get laid.

HA HA HA. I am actually crying while I'm typing this. I also don't know why. Argh!!!

Oh yar, if there's any left over shit in the pail, feel free to smash it on her face too! I will make sure you get laid with abundance of orgasms! Amen!

Yours truly.
Carmen Yew

I think I may wanted to let go...

You know what is real happiness? It's when you wake up the next morning, having someone dearest to you hugging you and looking at you right in the eyes smiling and followed by a kiss on the forehead. Wonderful isn't it? I feel most loved on a Sunday morning yesterday.

But happy things don't last long. There are as short-lived as fireworks. I felt so lost, so hurtful. Exactly what I was feeling back then with Uncle Wong, I remembered looking at the work pc monitor blankly with tears dripping on my laps. Looking at the phone calls made to unfamiliar numbers and after checking upon it, my heart ached worse than before. I thought I don't need to go through this anymore because my current bf is the best thing ever that could happened to me. We shared almost everything. We compromise what we could so that we can hold onto each other, we have never let distance to be a gap or a serious issue between us. I was so fuckingly happy and wanted to settle down with him. I don't want to look for Mr. Right anymore because I am already having him right in front of me. I even keep telling people how happy was I when I'm with you...Everything is only about you.

But how could you hurt me like this? How could you compromise something that in the end turning to be a justification, which is you just wanted to "test" me. How could you do that hurt to me not thinking how would I feel right in the end...like now. The feelings I have for you is real, idiot boy. I just wanted to check those phone calls made and sms sent, to prove to myself that I have trusted the right person. That you will not keep in touch with your ex anymore which you have promised me. I really trusted you. So much. And I am just ending up hurting myself again and again. I felt like a fool. Once more.

I don't want to fight and I'm not going to fight nor share. I believed I have said enough and said well on things I really hated about. You just fuckingly ruined all these. If you have loved me and only me truly, you would or could have just reject her and not giving chances to her. Stop telling me rubbish. If she is not respecting me as your gf (I don't see it as a healthy sign to stay in touch with the ex when he's already attached with someone new...), then why would you layan her back? It takes two to tango. Why can't you be straight forward enough to tell her that I do mind all the callings and sms and I am not trying to be a jealous girlfriend but a careful one. Why have you chosen to sacrifice my feelings than hers? She dumped you and making you believe you are not a good bf. She even avoided you, making things so painful for you. Why the hell is she telling you now that you are actually indeed a great life partner then? Why one year later? Why when you are attached with me? WHY NOW? I'm not trying to be a terrible gf here but I don't think I can handle such situation anymore. I know I'm always a crybaby and crying will not solve the prohlem...but why shit happens to me?

I hated her so much. What a bitch...but she wouldn't be one if you have taken up the guts intro me to her as your current girlfriend and cut the cord straight with her. No more staying in touch. Just Hi and Bye, I really mean hi-bye here. Things have gone really wrong here and I don't think I can trust again. Once again, you have chosen to do the hurt on me rather than your ex girlfriend. So, do whatever you like and I have enough being an idiotique.

Just as I thought you were the one. I so wanted to die now but I know I will regret about it later. I'm so confused.

25 hours.

25 hours of companionship and that's about it, he's gone again. But I'm totally pampered within that 25 hours. Hehehe. I love the feeling of happily sipping the long island cocktail with a glimpse of tipsiness talking to my bf at Barbeza. It feels like catching up with a really close friend that you could really confide in but of course, he's more than a close friend...He's almost my everything. Driver, Sandbag, ATM, Fubu, Pillow, Bitch, Bestest BF, etc. I can just be my total self when I'm with him and right now on the track, he's making me feel damn loved.

Saw his ex too yesterday night at Houz. Honestly speaking, I don't feel her as a threat to me anymore. Those feelings I used to have, fearing my bf may fall back in love with her once again or they might get back together or something, don't seem to bother me at all. I shared this with bf and he has certainly given me the faith to trust in him completely. Yay...Bf, I love you heaps! But, it is still a big NO for bf to keep in touch with her as I strongly don't encourage that unless he really wants me to be unhappy and damn solemn like a couple of weeks ago. I do agree with the fact that I'm a selfish gf but I'm just protecting myself, I guess. Nothing is wrong, right? Wondering now...hmmph...hmmph...fuck that la. LOL

Apart from his ex, the "him" that I have tried to brush off completely from my life or maybe the "him" that I have bitch-blogged about few months back...Well, he was in Houz too. He tried to say Hi by showing me his third finger and offered me his drink. Sigh, all I felt is awkwardness and things which have happened between us...I still can't forgive and forget. From time to time, I still blame myself for giving in and it is the most stupid mistake I have ever committed to. Argh! If certain memory like this can be erased permanently, then it would make my life a happier one without doubts at all. I wish this would be the last post I will ever mention about "him".

Suddenly I have lost my mood to blog. Damn! Bf is gone too at this time. Double Damn!
Sigh, my mood's flow is so drastic and uncoordinated within just minutes.

Note: 4 times in mere 24 hours. Amazing. Hahaha...Wink Wink

Four Months Jor...

Despite of some rather much emo moments I endured and the uncertainties of his ex issues, we are still blissfully attached. Those rough edges have been blunted and what left now are only total contentment and a bundle of joy. In a short period of 4 months time, I have learned so much about us. So much of bits and pieces that we would do for each other just to put a smile on each other face. Isn’t that the sweetest thing that could happen to anyone? Well, it happens to me and I am damn damn damn grateful being with someone who really matters the most to me at the present.

I really don’t mind the tiring trips ipoh- kl- ipoh on weekends and I don’t and won’t even complain a single thing out of it because I know every meet ups is a blessing and those time spent together have actually compensate more to those fatigues. I am really looking forward for a day whereby I have no limitation of timeline being with him and our contentment doesn’t just happen only on weekends. I want to have a promising future with him and I really hope he feels the same way too.

I some sort of compromise myself and to the relationship, I would get myself prepare to request to be transferred down to KL after 1.5 years later. I guess the allocated time span given to myself for this is simply adequate to evaluate if our relationship could be taken further up. But things are certainly better said than done, I’m still keeping my fingers crossed. Well, the all time fav phrase, “Life is predictably unpredictable.” Get it? Let’s just pray for the best that could ever happen to me. :)

*****************************************************

I'm trying out some cool photo editing apps with my iPhone and it's a constant chemistry that I fell in love with all the apps almost immediately!

Kumuta's Farewell

So another helpful colleague has decided to leave and be a housewife instead at the moment. It's a bittersweet sort of farewell. Bitter in the sense of there's more work to do at workplace after she left, sweet is that she's getting married to a doctor and she is granted with a wish that at the nearest 3 months time she can choose to stay jobless. So Maxis as a whole, celebrated Kumuta's farewell at Tower Regency Hotel @ Cafe 6 on last friday, dated 24 July 2009. Nice place though with the interior and the food is unbelievably edible and they tasted real good too. Hahaha. Kumuta@ KUMU-KUMU@ Kumujii, I am going to miss you heaps eh!

Personally, I don't fancy farewell and I think no one does. However, in life we do need to cope with that and it happens so often that at times, we struggle so much to learn the fact that we really need to let go of certain things and people who seem to cross over in our lives.

Life's Pace

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older.
The days get shorter, our list of dreams gets longer.
All we have to show for it is a litany of I'm going to, I plan on,
Someday when things are settled down a bit.'

Because we cram so much into our lives,
We tend to even schedule our headaches.
We live on a diet of promises to ourselves
When all the conditions are perfect, tell ourselves lies

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain lapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

Do you run through each day on the fly?
When you ask 'How are you? ' Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores running through your head?

Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.'
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die?
Because you didn’t just write or call to say 'Hi?

Life is like an unopened gift....Thrown away
When you worry and hurry through your day,
Life is not a race to live at such a frantic pace
Take it slower, hear the music before the song is over.

Listen to the words that make you’re your heart quiver
SEE the snow in the mountains, in the cold you shiver
Watch a toddler learn in a moment of discovery
See their joy and emulate what you see.

In the school of life each day is a classroom of
Experiences we need to develop our selves.
Stop, slow down and love, make the world
Around you a better place to live and be lived in.

William J. (Skip) Henderson Jr.

How could there be a farewell celebration without photography sessions?

Melissa, Me and Eliza

I wanted to load more but the bloody connection took almost forever hence I have given up. Only managed to upload one pic jek...the rest are all uploaded in my FB account. Hehehe...

Why now?

Menstrual cramp again. Pretty bad one though. How I wish for bf to be around, it could even be better if he's just beside me...tell me some pretty lame jokes or bedtime stories while rubbing my tummy to ease the pain. Argh. I seriously miss him so much at the moment, not because of the cramp but just simply missing him heaps.

Uncle Wong called in the evening, chatted for a while. It's not like a conversation, I feel it was more like a lecture. e.g "You should spend more time at home lah, don't hang out that late lah, remember to drink more water ah and eat on time, go for body check up, take care of urself. Don't still 'sor hah sor hah' and why you so vulgar already..."

It is so classic, these are the things he has been telling me constantly when we were still together, after the break up I do miss these nagging so much and how I long for him to call at least just for once to show me that he still cares for me...But he didn't during my most struggling moment and now when I heard all these, I feel completely nothing. HAHAHA. My heart is numb towards him, I realized. And it is a damn good thing. I'm feeling so good about myself now and also my current relationship.

Despite of this......Arghhhh......The cramp is still here. I need ponstan.

I don't hate myself already. Haha

Being a wonderful girlfriend and to keep up being just as flawless as from the start really can be so mind-blowing because perfection hardly exist in everyone. Especially me. As much as I considered myself being a perfectionist, I still fail to deliver the best for my another half and yet I demand him to treat me perfectly good. There is so much more for me to learn to be a better girlfriend and a good one too.

I don’t feel that sad anymore about the ex issue. I told my bf off everything on how I have invaded into his privacy and read the sms his ex sent him and how I feel about the whole thingy last night. I admit that I may be over-reacting but at least this shows I do care a lot and I do not wish for anyone or anything to become a barrier between us. Like what has recently happened, his ex has come in between us. I felt so flustered and uncomfortable about the whole thing, I was so upset that I could barely sleep and cried for three freaking nights. My mood was so low and I emo-ed kaw kaw......

I felt a sense of relief. Seriously. I guess I am just not someone that is good in keeping my feelings or hiding things from the person I really love. I'm such a lousy pretender but it feels really really good to let out what has been stuck within the mind and heart and truly happy that the emo moment has finally ended.Finally, I'm able to put back a smile on my face. Thanks bf for allowing me to understand the importancy of sharing than just torturing myself with those fears and heaps of question marks. Thanks for coming back too for the weekend to make sure everything is going alright at my end.

:( I seem to make him compromise reluctantly

It’s funny how things can change so drastically. How I look at certain things at the very first point of time to how I look at it now seems to be so different. I thought I could be accepting enough to let my bf to stay in touch with his ex, but trying to be generous sometimes has only made me to be suffering in silence. I went through his phone bills and found out he called her few times within the month and there’s even a call made to her that has exceeded half an hour of time duration.

I am feeling what I used to feel when I checked through Uncle Wong’s phone bills; those awful feelings seem to be eating my heart out again. But bf has never lie about his ex existence to me nor has he tried keeping her away from me, all this while they have been keeping in touch and I was actually informed. It’s just something about me, I supposed. I just feel so uncomfortable with the whole idea of them being friends back and I know it will be extremely selfish to ask him to stay away from her. But I just did that. Some told me I am putting my relationship on the edge of a cliff because it sounds like I am pushing my bf to a corner without giving him a choice to be made on his own but I do want something solid to protect my inner self too. Shouldn’t it be in a way that my bf should protect me and keep me safe within his hugs?

I felt so lost. Why must be the feelings be this sour? If they are friends, so be as it is…But NO. It is an issue here. Like what Belinda said to me, in a relationship if you're committed to someone and something makes someone uncomfortable, there must be some sort of compromise. Maybe what I have with bf is just not solid enough. I know I will be only suffocating him and forcing him to do things without his willingness. I just don’t what to do…I don’t feel as happy as we used to be. My instinct is telling me if I were to be pretentiously generous and allow them to keep in touch, the conclusion is only one. That I will choose to leave.

I got so emo these few days and have been a crybaby since. I want to be happy. I want to be myself. But most of all, I do really want our relationship to work out.

I hate myself. You have no idea by how much of it.

I have come this far to control my bad temper, I even have done so much more for the relationship to be fruitful...I can't let my inner me to spoil everything. Not even one try. But I just don't know why the tears just won't stop dripping and my nose just won't stop bleeding. Am I really just not that suitable to be in relationship? Maybe I am not. Not generous enough to be a person as a whole. Not good enough to be anyone's partner. Not worth the call as a girlfriend. I hate you, Carmen Yew. I don't like the way you bring yourself around and being so over sensitive on unnecessary. Why must you went and damaged things that already owned by you? Why must you be one selfish bitch that everything you see...is only about yourself. Maybe you really don't suit to be anyone's girlfriend. You are just not up to that standard. I think you still need a long way to be a better person.

What is love?

如果你不愛一個人，請放手，好讓別人有機會愛她。

如果你愛的人放棄了你，請放開自己，好讓自己有機會愛別人。



這話直白，但很有道理，也從一個側面教會了人們如何對待情感。



有的東西你再喜歡也不會屬於你的，有的東西你再留戀也注定要放棄的，

愛是人生中一首永遠也唱不完的歌。



人一生中也許會經歷許多種愛，但千萬別讓愛成為一種傷害。

生活中到處都存在著緣分，緣聚緣散好像都是命中注定的事情；

有些緣分一開始就注定要失去，有些緣分是永遠都不會有好結果；

可是我們卻偏偏渴望創造一種奇蹟。



愛一個人不一定要擁有，但擁有一個人就一定要好好的去愛他。



話說著容易，可一旦做時就真的很難，不信你試試。



如果真誠是一種傷害，請選擇謊言；

如果謊言是一種傷害，請選擇沉默；

如果沉默是一種傷害，請選擇離開。

如果愛是一種傷害，請不要靠近。



可是好多的情況下並不是如此，因為不由得你選擇。



如果失去是苦，你怕不怕付出？

如果癡迷是苦，你會不會選擇結束？

如果追求是苦，你會不會選擇執迷不悟？

如果分離是苦，你要向誰傾訴？

好多事情都是後來才看清楚，好多事情當時一點也不覺得苦，

然而我們已經找不到來時的路。



有一種愛，明明是深愛，卻表達不完美。

有一種愛，明知道要放棄，卻不甘心就此離開。

有一種愛，明知是煎熬，卻又捨不得放掉。

有一種愛，明知無前路，心卻早已收不回來。



愛情不是遊戲，因為我們玩不起它。

愛是真心付出，要忘記真的做不到。



不管歸處將是哪裡，我想都該在心底留有一份純真的美好。

I came across this posted quotes somewhere in someone's FB and it speaks so much to me. Just wanted to share this piece which I found it rather much factual and meaningful to every bits about love.

ps: i am going to meet my bf tomorrow evening if everything is in order. :)Going to spend 5 days and nights together. Planning for a overnight trip to Penang as well. Finally, I can selfishly own him all by myself for almost a week. Yay! xoxo

Wide awake still...

I finished the last cup of lychee jelly with natadecoco and munching on my Reese peanut butter cups now while listening to my brother's downloaded songs...currently playing is Lady Gaga's Poker Face. I really didn't know this genre is his cup of tea and I also just got to learn that he knows how to cook. WTF. I can't even fry an egg and my youngest brother now already knows how to fry mee with garlic and eggs. I felt so pathetic about myself at this point of life.

I am so wide awake now...and it's already 3 in the morning. Prolly I have slept too much just now. What should I do now when everyone in the house is either still loitering outside or tuck in beds already...Tiu...Shouldn't have slept that early!

The very very short weekend and my ultimate BF

Just about the night before I was complaining to my bf via MSN on how badly I wanting to meet him for the weekend and how suck it is to be in a long distance relationship, he showed up in my room@ Ipoh the very next day on a Saturday evening. I totally went speechless. We were on the phone before he gave me that enormous surprise visit, he was asking me questions like how would I feel or react if he just appears right at my doorstep…I told him don’t be so out of mind as the very main reason we are not meeting this weekend is he has showroom duty on Sunday. But the next thing I realized is he really came back for me. I was so happy and surprised that I almost choked to death- hahaha...i am a lil bit exaggerative here.

Spent a real short weekend together and I can’t really call it a weekend too; as he was back for merely than 24 hours. I can’t ask for more and I can’t demand anymore as deeply inside, I know it clearly that he has constantly been trying hard to sustain our distance relationship and on top of that, he always find his ways to my heart.

Today he even texted me telling me he has paid for my car installment for the month. In fact, days earlier he already told me in sms that he would take accountability for my car installment from this month onwards, which I felt, I am accepting his offer in much hesitation. We are only 3 months getting on in a relationship, yet he could offer and do so much. I am not talking about money issue here, but the overall thought of him to take good care of me. His willingness to assist me to buy sanitary pads when my stock is finish, his thoughtfulness to buy me krispy kreme donuts when I said I wanted to eat that, his eagerness to help me rub my tummy when I suffering from menstrual cramps, etc. He even let me swear as much as I like and whenever i feel like it without asking me to shut up. I wonder how the others would feel to have someone you love heaps to do all those little things for you and prolly the only thing you could do and been doing is to get bus tickets to travel down to KL and ONLY demand for more love and worse, you even WHINE and MOAN and GROAN and COMPLAIN to your bf that he's unable to be there for you 24/7 physically.

My current bf now is like a complete package that I found very hard to resist. As always said by him, as much as I feel the emptiness whenever he's not around and as much as I hated the loneliness that caused by the distance, he, at the other end, feels the same way too. :)

Sorry for the gushy mushy lovey dovey of words I have used but it is so true that for once after some time back, I felt so well-pampered and so loved like never before. Baby, thanks for the love and you mean the whole world to me by all means and by all ways. wink wink...

xoxo

The weekend shots

WTF?

Things has been really really wrong here.
I met Uncle Wong's ex on Tuesday, then my current boyfriend's ex yesterday and today, the bitch that slept with Skeet. 3 days in a row wei...Yucks! Definitely not a great week to start of with... :(

I need a way out

It seems lately I don’t have the keenness to blog. When I signed in to my blog entry, my mind just went blank and don’t know what to write about even though I have interesting stories that have taken place in my life from the very last update on this blog.

I hardly got to sleep last night. Was on the phone for a while with Eric, having him on the other line talking about how he got his car crashed and the house warming party at his friend’s condo I have missed. Basically I was already drop dead tired but mum was heard to be quarrelling with dad on the phone as well. As far as I am concerned, dad cashes out RM15k and headed up to Genting. Big fuck this time. Sorry…but I really feel it that way. I don’t understand what is exactly running on his mind but there’s no short cut in life in getting rich. Gamble is so out from the picture…why can’t he get the whole idea?

I really don’t know what to say about my family, I am not the sole bread winner in the family but my parents always thought that I earn more than anyone else and I should really contribute more to them. In actuality, I wanted to. I wanted to offer within my means but I am no wonder woman. I do have my own stuff I need to take care of; I do have a wish list of things I wanted to get for myself. Budget is already really tight for this year and in fact this month, I have overspent more than RM1k of my June paid out. I have never encountered such financial problem before; even if I do…I always have Uncle Wong to turn to. It really takes a lot to be independent wholly and I fuckingly hate being broke and unable to spend on stuff whenever I wanted to. There are a few, who offer to help, bf, grandma and even some guy friends. LOL. I turned down their offers…I sort of wanted to settle this matter myself. Maybe I should get some part time jobs or a job change perhaps?

I am feeling extremely pressurized. The latest update, I am not going to Bangkok jor, but I’m still applying for my annual leaves. I desperately need a break from work, I don’t even care if I have to sit at home and rot. Apart from the bad stuff that keeps happening in my life so rapidly...the only best thing remains is my bf. Hahaha. Awesome. Enough said.

Stupid H1N1

Months ago, bf has some initiate planning to travel to somewhere out from Malaysia which resulted Bangkok to be the exact destination because he said Tokyo and Paris are so out from the picture. :p Blerkz!!

Well, to blend well with my applied annual leaves, we have set 4 days 3 nights trip in the month of July. Just about we have set everything ready and have waited with much anticipation for the trip; we are forced to postpone it due to rising cases of H1N1 swine-flu reported in Bangkok. Damn “beh song”, I won’t be having anymore annual leaves till next year because of shortfall of staff due to maternity leaves in the later months. I was so looking forward to the trip and now it is screwed. It is either we are canceling it or postponing it to somewhere next year and that also depends if the air tickets travel period are allowed to be amended.

Sad case, kan? Sigh…

Note: The below pics are irrelevant from the post entry

Sakae sushi treat from me @ a day after his birthday


My highly imported kuli from Bangladesh.


Our woke up and worn out looks on my birthday!


Speechless...hahaha

Upright moody

I think this is the first time i threw tantrums in front of him. Should i be mad or should i maintain my coolness? I am not angry but upset. Hate what is running around my mind now that causes such feelings. Really gone out of mood jor, it supposed to be a great weekend but now I wish I am back home. :(
I need hugs...loads of hugs.

Love is a gift.

Having Uncle Wong, my ex, seated in front of me in Maxis Center Ipoh, and discussed about the current Maxis promotion. How absurd isn’t it? This time we acted more like we are friends than the earlier accidental meet ups where he showed awkwardness. Okay. Our chapter has finally closed and sealed. The heartbeat I used to have for him is beating low and it was close to none. I salute myself that I can get over it so fast and I could accept drastic changes optimistically. Maybe there is more to life than to sulk over him.
:) Yay…

Went out for drinks with my bestie, Yin Theng, yesterday night at Greentown Bungalow MP. Do some catch ups and gossiped alot. It is like going back to the good old days, just that topics we chatted are mainly about family issues. Married woman, what's more beside her child and her husband. I shared more on my past failed relationships...it is an never-ending stories. I updated her on my new found relationship too but as always, she asked me to keep my fingers crossed. Muahahaha. She understands me most and I guess she understands men more than I do.

Forget to mention that the customer who filed a complaint on me up to the management replied my apology email two days ago. She actually said something nice in the end and cc the reply back to the management...AFTER ALL THE HASSLES SHE HAS PUT ME INTO! Conversion will not happen again in this year time. So i have gulped down the loss and will not think of career advancement with Maxis for the time being. Need to self-reflect alot...But her reply definitely made my day. :)

Very much loved.

Apart from the spoiled mood, I woke up today feeling extremely loved. Bf sent me a sms before he headed to sleep last night, it says in mandarin, ‘Do you know what? I really like you.’ I know it is just a very simple sms that may mean nothing to anyone but to me, it means a whole world. I feel loved. Very much loved.

Dishearten

This morning meeting has caused a little bit of melancholy to me; boss has just announced two colleagues of mine are successfully to be converted as permanent staffs and with effect date, 19 June 2009. I know it clearly if that catastrophic incident did not happen I would have joined them and be part of the celebration too. It’s alright…I am undeniably sad and unhappy but it is not the end of the world yet. I lost something but I do gain something too. On a more positive side, at least I am still employed and can pay for my bills and feed my wardrobe with more clothing and handbags. LOL…Yeah yeah, I am saying this just to make myself feel better.

Portraitures

My 24th Birthday with him.








With him.



and more to come...time for yoga now!

With love,
xoxo

I can have a million reasons to cry.

So i screwed up my whole career advancement with Maxis? Yeah, I think I just did it. Blowing up in front of that lady customer and I am all amazed of myself to have purposely triggered her to file a complaint on me and the case has eventually went up the management and as expected, my conversion is now put on hold, it could forever be on hold. Most prolly all I have to do now is patiently wait for the warning letter to reach me and I can kiss my ass goodbye because it will be badly burnt. Yeah, life is that ironic. I have learn to live with it. Of course, it is such a waste after putting in so much of time and effort to my job and it so close to a sense of achievement...I just went and kicked it away. I'm angry at myself too that I know things won't turned out to be this ugly if I just were to tolerate just a little bit more but shit happens, right? :) Yes, I know...I am only comforting myself here so I don't need to feel so depressing as I am now. Boo hoo...I could just considered myself as unfortunate to meet such a customer and also so unfortunate for the customer to have meet me as well.

After that catastrophic incident, the hardest thing to live with is I need to write her an apology letter which I have now put aside after battling for an hour for the introduction and still ended up with a blank page. My colleague suggested me to send an E-greeting card. How hilarous, hor? Anyway, on the very day itself, I have already called up the customer and apologized to her personally which she has also accepted my apology. You definitely won't be aware on how it feels like to go through what I have just did. I cried talking to her. It was the crappiest thing to do and I don't want to recall that back. What done is done.

I carried this crappy feeling all the way down to KL to meet my bf. I wanted a hug so badly and I wanted to cry and cry and cry and cry until I am dead tired then go to sleep straight off. It did happen. After the drinking session with my bf's colleagues, I found myself crying at the backseat with my bf driving in front. Along the way, tears were flowing down my cheeks...at that very moment, I am so afraid to lose the relationship till I cried. I flash backed so much of the struggles I was put into during the break up with Uncle Wong. What if it happened again? What if I have to be in that scene once more? Damn. It was so fearful and scary. Plus the pressure from work and that particular thing which has happened, there are more reasons for me to cry. I am always a cry baby, I know crying won't solve any problem but I always feel better after crying. Maybe to me, it is an act of letting out the frustrations and the tied-up knots, huh?

Bf was caught with a little surprise to see me crying all out of a sudden and keep on throwing me with questions that I have difficulties in answering. Things sometimes are harder to convey out verbally, hence I always find my strengths in writings. I can express myself better this way. Bf asked me if his ex has caused the tears...Yes, in a way, she did. My feelings were a bit disturbed when she called to sing him a birthday song, I don't know how to put that in exact words but I know I was faking it to make myself look alright and maintain my coolness to make believe I am definitely not affected with a thing or two. It is really a small matter, hence I don't want to over-react and I shouldn't also. But I'm really unhappy and the weird feelings is eating me up. I'm still not a full grown, why can't I be a little bit more giving? But is it normal to be unhappy on that issue? Enough said. Sigh...I still need a lot more to be a better girlfriend, I supposed.

Felt my life damn gloomy like that...I screwed up my career and I hardly score in any relationships. I'm just good at nothing...as useless as most of the times. :(

Specially for you

Lai Kok Keong,

I love you! Happy Birthday!!! Life has been great being with you...

Uncle Wong caught me with surprise. :p

Stupid dreams again. I dreamt puppies as small as snails, picking up some funny-looking coins on the ground, saw my deceased paternal side Grandpa, etc. I google-ed for the interpretation of the dreams but I don’t get those meanings. Hahaha.

Uncle Wong called me yesterday while I was at work still. Chatted for a while. Having indescribable funny feelings while talking to him, actually wanted to know so much how is he doing since the market recession has impacted so much to the car industry and also if he has already been attached to the new girl I met in Jusco. But seems like he wanted to know more how I am doing and who’s my current bf.

As always, I told him every single thing about my personal life and more than what he has asked me about. Hehehe. I just love to talk. The usual he…as reserved as always, will only tell a thing or two. Happy or not, he will just keep those to himself. I can never understand him and I don’t need to anymore as he’s no longer someone dear or important in my life. I really couldn’t be bothered about what or how I feel about him anymore. I just want to eliminate those feelings about him completely and what I need now is time. :)

Not again!

I dreamt of something bizarre last night. Can’t remember much but it carried a little bit of laughter and also a little bit of fear. My bf and his ex were in the dream. Probably it’s a side effect that I have thought too much the night before and the brain became malfunction and stuck with this crappy stuff that generated this dream in the end. Possible, right? Oh, craps.

Nowadays I think I am isolating myself whereby I have been constantly turning down friends’ invitations to go out and even ffk-ing non-stop. Weekdays to me are dead. The only contentment I find is during weekends when I am able to meet my bf. Yerr, I damn tak suka the feelings as if my happiness only involves him. What I am trying to say here is he is definite a part of my contentment in life but it seems like his portion is eating the whole of me. It’s exactly the same thing I felt about a year ago with Uncle Wong.

Argh! It’s not a healthy sign. I really need to work something on it but I just don’t know what to do…

Crankiness

I’m getting an iphone soon within this week. Purchasing it under Maxis Employee Plan. No sense of contentment also geh. Yerr…

Don’t know what went wrong. Emotion has plunge into bottom-end of moodiness today. Feel damn outright cranky at the moment. Gosh…

Could it be the weather? Could it be my AV coming soon?

I wish bf is around, at least got someone to listen to me while having a shoulder for me to lean on or accompany me for a cup of ice cream to ease the shitty feeling. I’m all alone-lah and I am just not that interested to go out with anyone. I want my bf. :(

Work is slow today, feel very unproductive...Hope yoga class after work could regenerate better auras.

Have there been regrets?

Basically yesterday night, I was reading through the 90 plus posts which I have blogged about since the existence of my first bf up to my most current one, the number forth placing. Yes. I only have 3 ex-s and a current bf. Surprised with the figure? I have many flings in between lah but those are not real thing, at least to me the feelings that I thought was real are just some delusion…The excitement or happiness that I first felt about those men transformed into fear and confusion drastically.

As I read through about those posts specially dedicated to my ex-s, Wyman, Skeet and even Uncle Wong…I have never realized I used to love them so strong and once so deep and Skeet especially. Yes. Those feelings were real and I have never pretended to be someone else when I was with them from the start. However, things change…People change, places change and they won’t and can’t stay forever in place but that doesn’t mean the past has been forgotten. There are always reasons why they are called my ex-s now but I’m glad that I have gulped down the past, be it sweet or sour memories we used to share, I have encapsulated them as memoirs that I choose not to forget.

However in spite of the lovey dovey touching stuff I written about, they still pissed me off every now and then. It’s a never easy thing to have form friendships after break ups but I did- all of them are still in talking term with me. Conversely, on certain time and certain things…barriers still exist.

The 4.5 years, Wyman- I have hard times communicating with my first ex, Wyman, as stubborn as he is…we are now working together under one roof, Maxis. Basically I intro the job to him, I helped him with his resume and even arranged him for the interview. As an ex-gf or even as a normal friend, I have done more than I should. Since we are seeing each other almost everyday, feelings are damn dead edi. We fought a lot still but not on boy girl relationship issue- it’s all about work. He’s still a nice friend to talk with but I just need to be cautious in selecting topics or else, we would end up quarrelling again. LOL.

The 1.5 years, Skeet- Things with baby Hamster is like a roller coaster ride. Damn happy and exciting at first, then the next second can be damn boring and frustrating. Throughout the whole journey, he’s the only one giving and I am the solely one who kept on demanding and taking. Maybe I just don’t love him as much as he did towards me. Haha. We still keep in touch once in a while. Crap a bit but we are so not the same anymore. Our levels of thoughts and mentality are just too huge in gaps.

The 1.1 years, Uncle Wong- What can I say about him? The man who lifted me up to sky high and dropped me off to the bottomless end without mercy at all? Or maybe the man who made me realized the stupidity in myself to actually blind myself and making believe lies are truth? Hahaha. He isn't that bad lah. Our paths crossed and we were couple and every single day and hour and minute and second spent with him, I live without regrets and love without hesitations. I was so real to my feelings about him, I was even looking forward to marrying him and I really really thought life is a definite fairy tale being with him. Somehow someway, we were just not meant for each other. I think through all the blog entries posted about Uncle Wong, it has been a clear cut that our relationship has finally gave up on us and he has given me up. Yes, I fell down and got myself dusted and I'm all alone. I hated him so much at first because I really have given all out to love him. Taking the first step out to move out from his place and having him removed from my life completely was really tough and mind-blowing. Cried like shit every single night, hugging my pillows to sleep and thinking of him which I tried not but failed tremendously. I could still feel the pain now. Seriously. I am not completely healed but I have moved on definitely. He has casted me a shadow of fear to trust. :(
As much as all the hurt he has implemented in me, I will never ever forget the love we used to share. Deep down inside, I know he has once loved and cared for me like no one else did. Not even my parents and not even my ex. Thanks for everything, I appreciate every bits of it. He's a friend still but I chose to avoid for better purpose. :)

:) From one relationship to another, they definitely made me a better person.

No lies, please

Things are getting really great for bf and me nowadays. We have been together for 2 months already, no argument or squabbles yet. This is something to commemorate about. Hehe. I grasp a fact that I am indeed a better gf, or at least that’s how am I feeling now. I don’t rant and complain that much about my bf anymore whenever they do wrongs or they did something that hurt me. Not to say completely none but have been cut and reduced to minimal.

Being in the previous relationship whereby Uncle Wong is 8 years elder than me really taught me a lot. Every morning I made my own bed, I tend to appreciate more on things which have been done specially for me, and I don’t demand that much on unnecessary although I love to “ lau gei” still and forever a crybaby. Hahaha.

I try to avoid being too sensitive in the ex issues as well. For instance, bf just now called me and to tell me that he’s going out for a drink with his ex. As much as I dislike it or hated it, I need to tell myself that he does have his own circle of friends and I should not invade into his room of privacy. His life doesn't just evolve around me, there's more to it. I wanted to trust him whole heartedly and I don’t want to play those mind games like I used to with Uncle Wong. I really afraid of things I may discover right in the end and everything shared and given to me are actually built on lies. Please please please don’t ever lie to me, I know not everyone is made perfect to please others and things we do and done at times might consist disappointments or dissatisfactions, but I will learn to take those positively. Just don’t have the thought that you scare you might hurt me or make me unhappy hence you have chose to lie. That’s the lamest excuse to come up with.

* Bf, I can give you a whole world of freedom but I am expecting a whole world of faith and trust that I could obtained from you. Don’t start with a tiny white lie, it is contagious and very soon, lies will cover lies. That’s the last thing I want it to happen between us. :)*

And so happened to bump into his ex again at night. Yes, am pretty much curious on how exactly he was feeling and thinking to have the current gf sitting in front of him while the previous girlfriend passing by...I experienced that before and it somehow did eat my heart out. :p

Back into the empty room again

Just got home from fun fair with cousins and found out that no one is at home except my caged-up Benji. Even my youngest bro who anti-social, Joe, also went out with mum. Complete silence in the house except for the sound of the spinning ceiling fan. I quickly made my way into my bedroom hoping to chat with my bf for a while. As I pressed for his name in my cell phone, then only I remembered that he has went out with colleagues to Thai Club.

Sigh. I should have not ffk Eugene to go out for a drink with the gang earlier on. The emptiness feeling is back to irk the inner me again. I think I’m just very much used to meet my ex everyday leaving me to have the habit of being clingy and now with my current bf, I am learning my way to cope with the LDR issue. I really understand that he has been trying his best and throwing in whatever effort he has to come back Ipoh just to meet me and spend time with me almost every weekend. It hurts at times to see him juggling between his work and me…hence I don’t mind myself travel to KL to meet him instead. After all, he is worth all these.

BF, if so happen you are reading this, I really wanted to thank you for loving me and learning to take good care of me. You are damn cute on the phone just now by calling my name in your half-drunk tone. Missing you heaps already although I know I will be seeing you tomorrow’s night.

Pre- Birthday Suprises

Just as I thought bonus was so little this year, I was so wrong. Upon my contract renewal, I got in total of 3.5 months bonus in my pay slip. I nearly went bonkers looking at the e-pay slip from my HOTS account today. So triply happy that I could finally shop till i die! But cannot! Almost half of the May's salary should be paid off to my credit cards payment, my insurance installment (monthly i am paying RM650...CRAZY SHIT), car installment, dad and mum and granny and my brothers too, etc. I have too many commitments and so little boyfriends to ease my financial burden. LOL.

Well, I have a pre-birthday celebration with my colleagues this year at K box. It's a complete rare thing as I don't normally celebrate my birthday with anyone but my boyfriends (Okay, they are all my ex now) and also my best friends, Yin Theng and Qian Fang only and both of them now are just too occupy with themselves…One with family and one still stuck in UK. I’m still glad that there are people who would just fork out time and effort in making me happy. Many many thanks to, Eliza, Melissa, Clara, Crystal and also one my ex, Wyman, who turned up in the end. Though it's not something big but I do enjoy the gathering session. Hahaha. Love you all heaps! Yay... I also got to choose my own pressies...


miniatures shower gel from The Body Shop


baby tee from Guess


Points to note: The pre-birthday celebration isn't a surprise but the bonus paid is!

I haven't got the pics from Eliza so no image upload on the sing K's moment for now.

My Maxis My Way

I have just done a presentation today on an open topic of “Customer Satisfaction”. Only a few know by how stressful I was for the past two nights burning midnight oils for preparing myself for the talk and also to work on the slides so that they look presentable. FYI, I don’t have enough time at all for this assignment. Being awake at wee hours like 4 to 5 am is not a rare thing, I used to do that during my college days and what I can’t expect is that I am still doing that during my working life.

However, I’m all good now. Presentation is over and I assume it went pretty well and even much much better than I expect it to be because my boss ended my presentation with a word of compliment. He said Excellent instead of it is fairly good or just plain good. Muahahaha. He wanted to sell me to the management; in another word, he is actually trying to convert me to a permanent staff upon my employment contract renewal which is tomorrow. I was told I don’t need to go through all these hassles if I were to accept the offer earlier by transferring to KL. In Northern region centers, conversion from contract to permanent could take up 5to 6 years of tenureship with Maxis and Central region offer more as the turnover is high. Management is strict so I don't want to pressure myself so much and slap myself with disappointments. So I can only hope for the best to happen.


This pic is taken last year in March. Don't know where the recent pics went...Missing those less pressure work ambience back in Maxis Jalan Kampar. How time flies...


My best buddy @ baby...It is not easy at all to have someone that could click so well with you and have so many things to share or gossip even after working hours. LOL.Yeah, "us" still clad in our uniforms...

Some answered queries

My employment under Maxis is based on contractual renewal annually. In fact, I am going to be renewed as a customer care consultant again for the second time which marked a verity that I have worked for Maxis for two whole years already and counting on. I still remembered going to work in Maxis on the very first day, those kan-cheongness feelings as I am not originated from customer service field. Fearing that I may not cope well and the drastic job changing again but then to see where I stand now, I have positive answers to all the queries.

Everything changes so much. Being in college and being at work, it has surely draws a huge difference in life. Unlike college days where I can chose to be ignorant on certain things and at the current working life now, I have learned so much by taking accountability on all the things which I have said and done. By looking back, then only I have come to a point that I indeed have grown so much. I don’t mean by my body size..Okay? It is about my mentality-wise.

I even gained more in relationships; I know the importance of proper communication between partners than just throwing tantrums. With all the previous relationships that “tak jadi-jadi”, I am still able to commit myself wholly to another new relationship which I think I really need to salute myself on that.

Empty Room

I thought I won’t be meeting bf this weekend as he got some test drive event going on at his work place but I did. Not in a good cause though.My maternal grandma, Gu Po, (My grandfather has two wives! She is the second one as my grandma, Po Po, is the first wife) has passed away on Wednesday in KL and she was suffering from cancer since year 2006. It wasn’t much of a struggle to her as claimed by my godmum, the deceased’s daughter. Hence I need to be in KL to pay for the last respect and assigned to fetch my mum and her siblings back to Ipoh as they travelled down a day earlier than me.

Just got back to Ipoh about 5 hours ago. Tiring trip…but I really enjoy meeting up with my bf although I’m very much engaged with the funeral stuff and all. If every chances is given to me to be with my bf, I think I definitely would opt to go for it. I don’t know what both has compromise or done, it just that I could feel eagerness inside the both of us that we just can’t get enough of each other and the feelings just grow stronger each day. Perhaps only me lah!

Here am I now blogging my night away, back to Ipoh, back to my own bedroom, lying on my own bed with the only companionship of my stuff toys and pillows…Felt a room of emptiness tim. Really miss having him beside me before going to sleep and waking up the very next day. It’s like he is ever ready there for me, be it physically or mentally. How I wish for the moment where I am able to have him with me all the time but I strongly believe that sweet moments don’t last eternally. I have always hated changes and I don’t want to lose whatever I am having now. Both…him and my feelings.

Dumb or Smart?

Another awesome weekend has just spent rightfully. Took a bus down to KL and have my bf to pick me from the pudu station. He bought me Krispy Kreme donuts! We went for the Angel and Demons movie at Pavillion. The movie is a film adaptation of Dan Brown’s novel and to be truthfully honest, I think how the story was told in novel is so much nicer.

Bf has showroom duty on Sunday, so he dropped me off at KLCC for me to meet up Jason Chan for lunch. I made Jason borrow me his Futurama DVDs. LOL. Yup, I’m a fan to it but not that fanatic though. He put those DVDs into a red paper bag that marked “Inner Secrets”; I think he did that in purpose! Went for a short walk and window shopping until 1 plus before I decided to follow bf back to his showroom and rot as Jason needs to rush home for his presentation slides. The lunch we have in Chilli’s was a bit heavy, not only the portion but the topics we shared. Thus I always have issue going out with smart people, they always made sound and look like a dim witted which I apparently I think I’m not one, am I? Note: I have a dumb bf thus we lead a very happy life!

Candidly, my bf is not blessed with good looking features or a well-built tanned body with six packs but there is something I can’t deny about him. It is the little imperfections that complete the whole of him. I may have better options in finding a richer boyfriend, a boyfriend that stays nearer and can keep me accompanied for 24/7, etc, but he is just being himself from the very beginning and the guy who I enjoy being with since Day One.

As bf wanted to go back Ipoh for some sales follow up, I need not to take bus back and have horribly tiring hours traveling in bus. Along the journey inside the car, we talked a lot about our ex. It’s funny that we still have so much to share about our ex because when we first met, I was already very excited and told him almost every single thing about me and Uncle Wong and he also showed me pics taken with his ex in Bali and chatted a little about her. But i seriously need to thank his ex for dumping him and also Uncle Wong for hurting me. If not, we won't be where we are at
now...So is it a bad thing that we still have the ex issue running around our minds or a good thing that we are open enough to share about everything and our ex now won’t affect a thing to what we are having now? I hope we are on the good side of it. I always hated feeling low and small if comparisons are made between the ex and me.

*********************************


My bro lansi me with his newly tattoo-ed leg. No respect langsung! His tattoo look so common and so ah beng type lah.


I tattoo-ed myself using parker pen while waiting for bf to finish his work


This has nothing to do with whatever i just blogged, just that Eric got me these strawberries and brought them to office on Monday and claimed they can cure flu. See...people really think I'm dim witted. But the strawberries damn jeng...Thanks wei!

Yours truly

Obviously I didn’t mention at all that I bumped into Uncle Wong last two weekends in Kinta City Jusco, right? So, I did. I was at the entrance waiting for my bf for his ciggie session then saw one helluva figure with well-dressed lady clad in white walking by, then suddenly Uncle Wong emerged from behind and to find out that girl actually came with Uncle Wong. I called his name out and Uncle Wong somehow looked kinda surprised and replied me with a “Hi” awkwardly. I bet he’s trying to hide something from me. The girl, perhaps?

Well, this entry is not to tell how happy I was to have actually met up Uncle Wong by coincidence or how sad was I to see him dating other girls…But but but…A thing I am proud of myself now, that I don’t seem to really bother about him and I don’t throw questions after questions to myself about the both of us any longer. Hooray!

What can I say about and my current bf now? At this very moment and this very second, I can be proudly to say and maturely to tell him that, I do love him heaps and I am not ashamed or afraid in conveying this fact…

PS: I LOVE "AH BOU" VERY MUCH TOO...LOL

One month plus plus jor lu...

Specially dedicated to my bf, Laikokkeong :)

So, we have been together for a month plus plus “jor”. I really have seriously thought of staying single and mingle around for at least half a year before committing myself to another relationship. I have also told myself for the zillion times ever not to allow myself to fall hopelessly in love ever again. I have even been contemplating to only start a relationship when I think I have finally got all over Uncle Wong…I wanted to make it fair for my another half to own me completely. It sucks when you are with someone whom you may love dearly and that person actually still stuck with the ex shadow and issues which will make you insecure at all times.

Liking you at the very first place is not something I choose to be, the feelings just came very naturally and very much uncontrollable. But then, I have chosen not to avoid the fact that I really like you and decided to take risks being with you. Yes, I have qualms in believing and committing again in this thing called “relationship”, I feared so much of hurting you and you hurting me as well. I have uncertainties too that Uncle Wong has not been totally removed from my mind and life and it is close to impossible to have someone erased from one’s life completely. It could be the same to you towards your ex. You may also have her crossing over your mind every now and then, right? Some more you have taken almost a year to recover from the hurtful break up and that also not completely healed, right? I am still struggling and learning every single day to allow myself to love without cautions as like my all time fav-phrase…Let’s keep “love” as simple as ever…Do not dilute the purest out of it. But we humans are the complicated ones and through us, our acts and actions have cause love to have its complexities.

I won't give you any promises but I will try my best to do my part like what you have been doing all this while to make me happy...

Hugs,
Me with doubts still.

This was actually written on 07 MAY 2009 and was kept as draft on my workplace pc dekstop until today. I'm a slacker in almost everything. :) Yes, certain things never change.

No second thought. :)

I made a very impulsive decision. After my yoga class today, I drove straight off to Medan Gopeng to purchase to and fro KL bus tickets from Plusliner. Without much hesitation some more. I think I really miss him more than ever. Love the feelings to bits... :) I don't need to wait for two weeks to meet my bf, in fact I'll be going to meet him this coming Saturday. Even though it's only going to be a mere 24 hours meet up but I care not.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Can’t agree more with this. I tend to miss and often caught myself thinking about him at most times. That feeling makes me want to be with him and well, I do wish I could be with him every single day. My bf is back for the weekend and as usual, happy moments passed way too fast and now he’s back to KL again. Sigh…Knowing that I won’t be seeing him for almost two weeks as he is scheduled for showroom duty this coming Sunday really makes me feel terribly depressing.

I really thought of making an impulsive decision to get myself transfer to KL so I could be with him. In fact, I was offered for a promotion and needed to be transferred to Maxis Centre Sunway in KL. I rejected that because I’m financially tight down with my commitments and also its way too sudden. To be honest, I really did scare myself for having such a thought. Luckily it is only contemplation and not an immediate action. If I were to do so, it has proves something significant which is, I really really in love with this guy which I try not to. I’m not trying to go against my own feelings but I really fear of the downfall. The broken heart, the tears, the scars…I never wanted to go through that heartbreak again!

I am too afraid to lose with what I have got now which is him. Too afraid to love unconditionally that I will get hurt in the end. I know love shouldn’t be this way but I am just too afraid that I may fail in this relationship too…My inner guts is eating me inside out. I don’t want to be involved in any fruitless relationship anymore as it is a total time wastage, I also know that sometimes things may not work out exactly we wanted it to but I really wish I could find someone who worth being together.

A MMS my bf sent last two weeks, spot the fading rainbow? Why every beautiful things is so short-lived, huh? And because of that, we tend to appreciate more, don't we?

Money matters

Mum suddenly threw me a question yesterday night asking me if I’m already attached. Isn’t it obvious that I have brought him home to stay overnight? I felt a bit offended, it’s like my own mum have doubts on me whether I am speaking the truth or not. I’m not a person that would simply bring guys home because I understand well the consequences of the guys may know too much about my dark secrets. Lingerie lying everywhere in the room, excessive of clothes jam-packed in limited space inside the wardrobe, boxes of cards and letters ever since primary, etc and there’s only one word to sum it all…messy bedroom. What some more it’s a GIRL’s bedroom. LOL. There’s even someone who offered to clean up my room for me- it is the lamest excuse ever to come up with. He just wanted to get into my pants and I ain’t that dumb.

Work has been over-piling lately; I have been thrown back to service counter rather than being a greeter in Maxis. Hence, need to do a lot of follow up cases, handling complaints, billing disputes; calculating waivers…I seem to find back interest in my job. Or at least I don’t feel like changing to any other jobs at the moment. Looking at the global market now, Maxis is impacted in some ways. I am earning less compared to the previous year whereby boss has been disapproving overtime submission, bonus I received didn’t made me go “whoa!!!” but “hah???”, no increment, etc. All this while, my financial is always okay. I got to spend on whatever without much contemplation or consideration. Maybe I have boyfriends (they are ex now) who seem to pay for all my expenses. Every month I have excess of cash to spend on unnecessary but lately my financial is so tight.

Ever since I chosen to be single and moved back home, I need to fork out a lot of money for my family. Sometimes I do get fed up with their demands, if I have the cash I don’t mind giving but it won’t hurt for you people to go out and earn some money to contribute to the family as well, right? I just wish that my younger brother would come to the senses that I am not an ATM machine and he really needs to find a steady job with a proper pay than just being a leech sucking out money from my mum and I. Dad also should cut down on his drinking expenses as money doesn’t flow in as easy and much as old days, I really hated it so much when family argue over money issues which is like now, my own family have so many heated arguments on this issue. So disappointing and lost at words. I was ignorant before this simply because I was staying with Uncle Wong. I also have thought of moving back to KL since current bf is there but I know it will only make the matter worse. Sigh…Enough of bitching about my family, unlike friends or boyfriends which I can choose to keep or let go, family should be the closest bond to oneself so I just got to accept the fact and live with it. Luckily I am a girl still that I need not to support the family ENTIRELY...Being a self-centred me could just buried my head down and flee from problems as always. I think I really need to buck up on self responsibilites and change for good...


My family (This pic is taken on Dad's last year birthday- dinner at Kampai 07/11/08- The only family shot after so many years back)