Bad Christmas

Bought him enough of clothes as Christmas gifts while mine need to be delayed due to his financial issue. Luckily didn’t really put much hope on it hence I am not that harshly disappointed. Bought him a card and even draft out the Christmas wishes under my iPhone notes but I trashed it in the end. Why? We somehow put up a fight on Christmas’s eve. Yes. Christmas was spoiled to a total max.

We just passed through Christmas like every single ordinary night in our life except that I cried and laughed too much at the same time. Maybe I should comfort myself in a way that “at least, I don’t get dumped on Christmas just like two years back”. Flashing back the first Christmas that we endured, I could felt so much of contentment in it that I really miss the good old days. Well, life goes on. We had a bad Christmas this year doesn’t mean the next coming one is going to be worse, right?

Positive thinking, Positive aura…..I need the entire good “chi” to keep this relationship going. I should really really really wait for my Prada wishlist to be granted as promised by him. Hope it is not another blank promise from him. And no, I am not being materialistic, just realistic. It is a promise made by him hence he has to commit into it. Furthermore, he has got my notebook (last year christmas present) stolen. So, I should be gifted a "Prada". Teeheehee... Enough of gucci already. :p

Protected.

I love my man. Never had I felt he was that protective until last night where the motherfcuka elderly bitch and her daughter scolded me sarcastically at his workplace. I wished badly that they will get killed in a freak accident and their souls will be perished in hell. Mean? Not if you really see how they scolded and shouted at me in public when I just kept mum. I sincerely hope for the both of them, the elderly bitchy mother and the tomboy-ish daughter to die in the most freaky way. Enough of cursing. Mood spoiler kaw kaw.

But I seriously wanted to share out how manly is my man when he pointed finger at those bitches and asked them to watch her words. Heart heart heart! :) Of course, my mood was badly hit but it is suppresed with the presence of the boyfriend and his manly gesture to keep me protected. <3

Cracks and tears

I thought i could have happier posts to upload but i couldn't help myself from not crying that its going to be another disappointment for me. I love you and gave all my trust to you eventhough you had it broken once but how much of a pain someone can afforf to take? It is so fcukingly painful that I don't even know how to stop it. Stop making me as an option anymore because i should not be one. No one should. When will that one fine day comes when you will start appreciating me and take my words for goodness sake?

I really hate it most when you are turning yourself into a chain smoker and an alcoholic? Do you love yourself and your health so I know i will be in good hands? Someone I can trust well that he would take good care of me for the entire life. How can you be that someone when you are ruining yourself and our dying relationshsip. I was hoping so badly you are the right one... My one and only Mr. Right. I thought i found you... I really do. I have tried many ways to accomodate you. You dont have enough time hence i do not mind spending all the time I have by walking forward and moving into your lifestyle to suit you... You are tired hence I dont mind i am sleeping over at your place by driving myself over than have you to stop by at my home after work... You are stressful and need time to be alone hence i dont mind sleeping alone in the room and hugging myself to sleep... But do you know that although i dont mind... I will somehow get tired some day. Maybe i will be too tired to stay because you no longer worth for me to fight for anymore.

Lately, i am having so many silly thoughts. I was thinking if I should transfer to KL so that when we have less chances to meet, you will tend to give me more of your time to listen to me, to really care for my wellbeings and inner feelings. Maybe you might realized by then we only have weekends to spend together, then you will stop drinking, stop smoking, stop leaving me alone in your room, stop all the things i dislike and you will love me more than you ought to be. Or maybe you wouldn't have hurt me this much and this deep like tonight... I really wish i can cut open my heart and show it to you how freaking painful it is. Stop asking me to stop crying... Because every single crack in my heart is the every single tear I shed. You will know it one day by how much your love mean to me or you will discover one day by how deep is my love for you... And when the one fine day comes, i might have been too tired to continue loving you this way.

I dont care whether R or J is the right one or the culprit... I care only for you who had broken my trust over and over again. Why am I always your option where your brothers, career and family are far beyond me?

Cracks and tears

I thought i could have happier posts to upload but i couldn't help myself from not crying that its going to be another disappointment for me. I love you and gave all my trust to you eventhough you had it broken once but how much of a pain someone can afforf to take? It is so fcukingly painful that I don't even know how to stop it. Stop making me as an option anymore because i should not be one. No one should. When will that one fine day comes when you will start appreciating me and take my words for goodness sake?

I really hate it most when you are turning yourself into a chain smoker and an alcoholic? Do you love yourself and your health so I know i will be in good hands? Someone I can trust well that he would take good care of me for the entire life. How can you be that someone when you are ruining yourself and our dying relationshsip. I was hoping so badly you are the right one... My one and only Mr. Right. I thought i found you... I really do. I have tried many ways to accomodate you. You dont have enough time hence i do not mind spending all the time I have by walking forward and moving into your lifestyle to suit you... You are tired hence I dont mind i am sleeping over at your place by driving myself over than have you to stop by at my home after work... You are stressful and need time to be alone hence i dont mind sleeping alone in the room and hugging myself to sleep... But do you know that although i dont mind... I will somehow get tired some day. Maybe i will be too tired to stay because you no longer worth for me to fight for anymore.

Lately, i am having so many silly thoughts. I was thinking if I should transfer to KL so that when we have less chances to meet, you will tend to give me more of your time to listen to me, to really care for my wellbeings and inner feelings. Maybe you might realized by then we only have weekends to spend together, then you will stop drinking, stop smoking, stop leaving me alone in your room, stop all the things i dislike and you will love me more than you ought to be. Or maybe you wouldn't have hurt me this much and this deep like tonight... I really wish i can cut open my heart and show it to you how freaking painful it is. Stop asking me to stop crying... Because every single crack in my heart is the every single tear I shed. You will know it one day by how much your love mean to me or you will discover one day by deep is my love for you... And when the one fine day comes, i might be too tired to continue loving you this way.

Calling...

Life is fair. Happiness does not last and sadness is not permanent as well. So, I can’t prolly be so pessimistic about my current relationship with myRichard. Can’t deny the lovey dovey feelings used to be much stronger and deeper in the beginning, and the love spark now isn’t as flammable like how it used to be seen or felt. Oh well, I guess the concern now is no longer to moan or whine or vent on the history but how to keep the relationship going and continue to fight for someone I really think who worth all these.

Well, if I screwed up and got hurt badly...At least, I can whisper to myself saying that I have tried and done my role rather than giving up straight off. :p

holding grudges.

I am still struggling. Struggling to seek for an acknowledgement or better said, an affirmation, if he is still in love with me. I didn’t entirely move in to stay with him but I have been sleeping over at his place for a couple of months already. The physical distance got closer but strangely, I am feeling we are more than distant than we used to be. We have not been intimate for almost past three months, no matter how much I try to beg for it. Yes, I used the word “beg” as I really did but in return, it was all rejection and disappointment. I seriously have no idea if the problem is with me or it is with him.
He just made me feel unappreciated, trashed aside. Maybe I no longer appeal to him as once attractive or beautiful hence, he always used very mean description on me. Fat and Ugly. As much as he thinks I am that fat or ugly…he doesn’t really need to speak out and be it a joke or a fact, I am hurt, literally.

Too many of sappy and complaints blog entries lately, damn unhealthy. It seems I no longer know how to blog with happy moments I have endured with him. I really wish time would tell how serious is he with me. I am hoping badly the thoughts and words of buying house together and settling down...is not just another talk-cock-sing-song kind of thing. Baby, show me a future and not a dead end.

An act of violence

We quarreled again. Basically, it’s a 10 minutes of argument on the intimacy issue, where he spoke in a soft but angered tone that I am very annoying which then I grabbed his hand asking him to say that again…eventually he raised up his hand threatening to slap/bash me if I don’t let go. Of course, I let off my grip and as expected, tears kept flowing down my cheeks. Intense fear start pumping in and frightened that one fine day when he will just lost his control and start to lay his hands on me.

Seriously, while I was crying in his room…The thought of packing up my stuff and leave crossed my mind. Maybe it was just an intense impulse to do so out of fear and disappointment, hence in the end, I chose to stay. I felt a threat in our relationship whereby from that moment he stared at me irately and lifted up his hands showing a sign of violence, my heart was almost went dead. I cannot believe my eyes and it is too painful for me to believe, my very own boyfriend almost laid his hands on me.

He came in and kept apologizing after that. I just don’t understand why the closest person to me and who claimed to have loved me most could actually treat me so maliciously. He just made me feel I am so not worthy and finding faults to be treated such way. He never chose to raise his voice towards his family, brothers, friends or even customers but why me? What some more, he tried to lay his hands on me. For once in a year plus we have been together, I am struggling to give up and I felt trapped in crossroad once again.

The "ex" factor

I had funny feelings. About C. His ex. I mean it’s not that sort of controversial kind of jealousy feeling, as I clearly know she is so past tense but somehow someway, she just gave me funny feelings when we made eye contact back in my workplace. I have not bumped into her many years already, I think the last was back in college days where we used to stay under the same apartment and the only thing that got us connected was friendster then came in facebook. It feels funny to meet her in person especially deliberating the fact she is an ex to my current boyfriend and it is even funnier with the fact that we are actually friends all along.

It must be the “ex” issue has got the feelings a bit complex. Be it sincere or not, both talked a little at that point of contact and ended the short conversation with smiles. In fact, I had also bumped into few of his ex numerous times and things were still alright, I guess this one in particular is different mainly due to we were schoolmates for years. :p I was indeed worrying the possibilities of bumping into her if myRichard and I were to club in any night of the Raya week because they mix in the same group of people, by then, I would have even acted awkwardly with mixed feelings...Luckily, we chosed to stay home and spend boring hours than going alcoholic. Teehee... Blessing in disguise.

Trapped.

There are moments i wished badly for you to hug me tight and whisper to my ears that i am your biggest achievement in life. Who does not wish for her boyfriend that thinks she is the best for him? Who does not want her boyfriend to be honest enough and sincere enough to love her every single day without fail? I used to have you doing that to me but somehow someway... You stopped. Without yourself realizing it. 

I used to be your biggest catch. I used to be the best one for you or maybe those were times you made me felt i was your everything. You used to text me telling me how wonderful i was to you, how much i meant to you and how my presence has changed your life. Even if we don't get to meet, even if we prefer to hide from the public... Even if we both have yet to be official lovers. We had almost everything. Those strong feelings. Those sweet messages. Those unforgetable moments. And those precious 3 minutes sessions.

And now? Things are not so beautifully written anymore. I would like you to understand me better, to care for me like you used to be. Hence, i always try to make you to listen to my inner self.  But in return, what do i get? That my very own boyfriend being ignorant. 

I dont even understand why am I crying myself to sleep at this hour, knowing you are just right outside the living room watching tv. Because you just wouldn't care. Tonight in particular, you just made me feel i am meaningless to you and both of us are just heading to nowhere. I feel trapped. Trapped in fears and disappointments. Trapped within wastage of time and effort by making believe you are the right one. 

Sometimes, all i need is just an assurance that you are still the old you when you made that decision to make me yours. Are you ever going to settle down with me? Or have it even got into your thoughts if i am the one or just another passerby in your life? I need answers. Solid answers.

When the expectations failed us, a crash is expecting to be met.

Maybe I really over-reacted that day. After putting down all the emotions, I felt almost like a madcap girlfriend who is trying to force her boyfriend to listen and follow to her demands obediently. Even when he apologized, I know he just said it to avoid triggering my emotions to go berserk again.

But seriously I am hurt by his words and actions. All this while, I held my head so high up about myRichard for being the best boyfriend that I am ever had. Everything seems to be so fine; could almost describe as fairytale-perfect and I can never project him that he would talk to me like how he did that afternoon. It was unpredicted to be that hurtful until all the crying, shouting, frustrations flopped in. This is not what I really wanted in a relationship; I am expecting us to be healthy couple that hardly argues. We were doing well at the very beginning but collapsed in the midst. I know it is a norm thing, as all couples in the early stage are always at their sweetest simply because they have yet to discover the real self of the other half and learn about him/her inside out. And now that, we both do.

All I am. Being a crybaby, a demanding person, an ill-tempered girlfriend who tries to seek for endless attention from her boyfriend, have an issue with my mum, drool when I sleep and snore intermittently, lusty and dirty-minded, rude with lingual profanity, stubborn, etc etc etc it’s going to be endless…and as I list my flaws down, I begin to realize that I am the reason why he is reacting at such ways. BUT, he is imperfect too.

All he is. He made me beg him for “da boom boom” session and out of 100 promises, only 5% will be delivered. Mr. Nice Guy…but sometimes he just made me feel, to every single girl also he is that soft spoken and caring. A filial son to his parents but he is also a strict elder brother to his siblings. As months to come, he is hiding so much of stuff reluctantly to share with me. My instinct told me so.

Sigh. I felt we are both going nowhere. He is just too occupied with his career and sometimes, how I wished; he will just manage his time well and spend quality time with me. I do not need a boyfriend to be physically there while doing his own stuff and neglecting me alone in his room. I rather much to have him beside me in the bed and I can hug him to sleep. I feel crappy and all alone even though I know he is just right outside the bedroom door. I am feeling worse about the both of us. I seriously wish for a wake up call before we are hitting a slump.

Im sad.

How do you define love? Or how can we maintain love as at beginning we seek for it? I seem to lost it. I have tried my very best in every relationship to save it from sinking but over the time and experiences I pulled through, i suck. Suck to fulfil their needs or wants as a goodgirlfriend.

I put on my best make up today. Eagerly to go out for lunch and movie catch up with myRichard. But it ended up sourish. I broke down in tears, i vented out my frustrations by hurting myself, i yelled and screamed frantically in his car. All these because he shouted at me, used nasty words on me... even if I did nothing wrong. What has come between us?

Why is it hurt so badly till i behaved such way? What damages have I done to our relationship? I seriously have no idea. Maybe it is not meant for my understanding. But over the year, we both changed. He has changed, so do i. I no longer rest assure if his feelings towards me are as the strong as what we first had, but definitely the ways he used to talk to me or the ways he used to care about me are different. And my tears just wont stop dripping from my face, even at this very minute.


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Birthdays

A little bit of him and me.








Birthday Lunch with Birthday boy @ Genting





The 388 birthday dinner he spent on me and my brother, Joe! Don't be fooled by the close up shot. Its one freaking tiny miny little abalone. :p





We were too busy in the casino and missed the final countdown of him being 29. Haha... So, i rushed him to Starbucks and bought him a cup size tiramisu. My man turns fcuking 30 already and notice the burberry wallet laying aside of that cake... Thats what I got for him for his 30th birthday! Broke to the max but worth every cents of it as he likes it awesomely. :)








My birthday gift from myRichard. Haha... I was expecting a Gucci tote, rather than an iPad 2 with Gucci wallpaper. But still, loving it heaps as I know it aint cheap! Hahaha!







This is the reason why I "heart" having my birthday on 31st.

Note: I have actually draft a very long post of my latest happenings yesterday at my work laptop. Mostly on words rather than pictures but I forgot to save it and someone actually cancel it off. Im mad but i can't do a thing about it. Perhaps when i am in the mood again, i will blog more. :)


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Anti-depression pills needed.

Being too emo lately will only suck you up to the depression’s room. Which I think I am depressed and needed a drink or two. Drove my way to Barbeza to meet up with a few good friends and normally these guys are just full of craps, rather than facts. It surprised me that the night was filled up with so many advices and their thoughts on relationship. I wasn’t expecting to open up my feelings to them but I did. It is a good thing though, or at least I thought so to myself. I needed air to breathe; I think I boxed myself up too much by being over doing stuff people don’t need or appreciate. I believed so much that the rough road has been paved so I could walk on it without worries or doubts but turned out to be untrue. There are still many pebbles lying almost everywhere and holes that I afraid I may stumble and fall into if I take any blind step further. Who says life is easy. Better re-quote that.

Can we go back to the beginning where everything seems so promising? I wanted badly on the frequent sms conversations we used to have. Those intimacies we both felt about. I just felt along the way, we both have lost a lot of great moments we both shared. The feelings were so much stronger and real back then. I could have loved you less too. I just don’t feel you love me enough or perhaps I’m being over-demanding lately. I just want this depression to go away. As in right now.

You could have been honest.

Sometimes i just felt he is not being completely honest with me but men are always men. Full of lies and cover up stories or their own self-assumption which what they "believe" the wrongs are the right ones.

You are putting more fear into my life. You lied professionally. Congratulations, you just made me felt a little bit being uneasy with your doings. So, i should expect myself to be more prepared dealing with your lies? Looking at you popping Dormicium rather than any allery pill like you mentioned last night, I was thrilled. So you lied. No big deal. You know I will go against you because you are aware those stuff aint good for health and you actually covered it up by lying to me. Thank you for turning my worries into unnecessity.

"She" told me about Dormicium before and I rest assured her that you are in good hands. Maybe I am just not good enough for you to quit that bad habit of yours? Because I thought those are history and you are a brand new you. At this moment, you made me feel like a clown. She is so right about you and I think she really understands or know you much more than I do. Matter like this also you can lied to me, what about any other issue which are more serious?

I felt silly. About myself. To care for someone whom I love most and to find out, he can lie without having a blink on his eyes. Thank you for giving me such a great pre birthday gift this year. And now, i finally annouce you that, the trust has been broken. Do whatever you like which you think is "right", because from this second onwards... Even if you are telling the true about consuming allery pill, I will go doubtful.

In case you are unaware, lie is the most painful tool and caused the most severe damage to the heart. I heard a crack on mine... But i bet you will never care. I am just wasting my time here. You could have been honest but you chosed not to. Maybe I wouldnt have reacted this way too.

Ke-bo-san-an!

Just accept the fact I don't blog much nowadays. I seem not to like writing as much as I used to. I think I am bored with my own words. Haha... Think I'm bored with my own self too.

Feeling rather much moody in almost every possible minute. Must be the force of hidden pressure at work and the rather low profile social night life lately. I need to have a life. A real one. A family perhaps to keep myself busy??? Nah, he isn't ready and I don't want to push him to the walls... Hmmmph. Okay, I crap too much this time. Time for slumberland. Goodnight, world. -.-

Wait...Hold up...Maybe I should start hypnotizing myRichard to get me Gucci for my coming birthday. But that's a waste of time and total disappointment. He rejected me for 509,342,780 times already and still counting. I should have just dig deeper into my sleep now so that I could dream of something more of fairy tales coming true but they don't mention LV, Prada, Gucci, etc in storybooks or do they? Gawd... I'm so pathetic. Well, goodnight, world, for the second time! :p

A full mark boyfriend

You know your boyfriend is at his sweetest when it is drizzling right now and you forgotten to bring your purse to work, he actually dropped by, get down from the car and walked over under the mild rain and handed you some pocket money.

But the real truth is:
So happened he’s around my work place a while ago and I refused to walk over to his car to get the cash. Hence, he ended up without a choice but to get down from the car and pass me the cash but he is still so sweeeeeet right? Haha… I love myRichard.

Selfish-love

Someone just passed the news yesterday that one of myRichard’s friend has passed away. A girl. Prolly only aged 25. That’s pretty young. She only lived a quarter of a lifespan of a hundred years. Well, I remembered meeting her for a few times at the same club, Oval, and the most recent one was like 2 months back at Alan’s house during cny. She was on drugs and her skeleton-like body sometimes scared me. I am so afraid if I shake her hand a little too hard, I might have the possibility breaking off her whole arm. But the point is she’s gone. I am not even close to her at all but I felt so restless about the news. It triggered me for a while that life is short. It is too short for all the wrongdoings and regrets. If she were to live healthier, stay away from those harmful threats of drugs and try eating more, I think her lifespan shouldn’t be this short. I am sure her family and close friends having a hard time digesting the news but they just have to deal with it strongly. RIP, Stephanie!!! *May you found your peace up there!*

I remembered losing a friend few years back. He was also around 20 plus when he suddenly fainted and went into coma and died. It was merely 24 hours and he was gone. Just like that. I couldn’t agree more that life is so fragile that you do not know what you are missing till it’s gone. That’s why I do not hold back in confessing my love to myRichard every single day.

Sometimes, I do impractically question myself, if I am gone one day, how is it going to be for myRichard to adapt to my gone ness. It is so sudden that maybe I wouldn’t even has a chance to say goodbye. And what if…it is another way around? We have built our lives so much among ourselves that we don’t seem wanted to grow apart. I hope we will have the chance of growing old together and still be as loving as ever and God is not allowed to take him away from me. Unless, I died first. :P

what matters most

It burns my heart whenever I see him struggling with his troubled mind trying hard to settle off his problems. Be it financial, be it career, be it anything…I just seem to be a not so fulfilling girlfriend to him. I wanted to share his lows and downs, I wanted to be right there for him whenever he needs me to, and for the utmost, I just wanted him to be happy at all times.

Never have I seen him being so out of mood before. He seems like going through some depression and at first, he doesn’t even want to open up to me until one night, he told me about the pressure and problem he is dealing with. I felt so shallow in an instant that I always pester him for this and that and even raising up my voice talking to him if he doesn’t please me with the things he does. That is the night that I hugged him so tightly to sleep. That is also the night I felt my love for him has gone so deep that freedom and money is no longer a matter to me anymore.

I will never ever again to complain if he has not spent enough for me. I will never ever again to pester him for any ridiculously expensive gifts. myRichard is more than all these. Yes, it struck for a little while when others try to chuck in their two cents worth of sayings to me that I need to marry a man who can give me happiness and who can ease my financial worries. I believe in myRichard will do his level best to give me everything he could afford of. It is just a matter of time.

Being my Valentine

Some say, LOVE is simple. Some say, LOVE is demanding. He says, LOVE is everything and I say, LOVE is all about you and me.

Mr. Boyfriend @ myRichard @ Bulat Cho, has a Maxis Dealer’s dinner to attend on Valentine’s Day itself, hence I have no rights to cage him up selfishly for myself. We somehow had a pre-Valentine’s dinner at San Francisco Steakhouse on the eve and followed by a movie, I <3 Hong Kong.

To be truthfully honest, I understand well that Valentine's Day is just like any extra ordinaire day where florist, restaurant and gift shops get the chance of slitting the throats of every men. If there is love, everyday is Valentine's. And yet, I still pester my baby for dinner, flowers and gifts! :p Talking about inconsiderate girlfriend. I admit I am. Tsk tsk tsk...

Thanks, love. For everything. The dinner, the gift, the movie and most of all, YOU...being with me through all the high and low, thick and thin. I love you heaps, my Valentine.


Special delivery to the center on Valentine's . A dozen of red roses.

Boyfriend's special message on a lousy standard florist card. Hehehe

:)

Facebook turns me into a stalker. OMG

I just can’t understand better why I do not feel like blogging much lately. I have logged in numerous of times to my blog account but I just went with total blankness in choosing the words to write about. At one minute, I wished to share about stories between myRichard and me, but the next minute, I realized I just closed my netbook and continue lazing on my bed doing crappy stuff. eg. Fb-ing hours and hours reading friends’s posted status and going through those uploaded photos. I know I am such a pathetic loser who seem wasting so much of my pleasure time stalking on others and the most pathetic thing is I seem to be enjoying what I am doing. Sigh…

2010 ends with much surprises and love

I had ended my 2010 year with so much of surprise and love. My boyfriend is my biggest catch in 2010. Nothing else seems to be happier than owning him selfishly. 2010 is so much of a year could ever bring. Not forgetting the lows too that had mold me a better girlfriend than before. It is so true. I have facts to support my statement eh. Also witnesses too. Hehe.

My 2010’s Christmas has pulled through and overcome what I had in 2009’s Christmas. I have never liked Christmas this much. Seriously. myRichard has made me feel, I am the happiest and luckiest girl ever to love and be loved unconditionally. Muacks, baby! Thanks thanks thanks. For the lovely Christmas dinner at Indulgence and also the acer’s aspire one netbook to kill my excessive boredom when you are at work. Simply loving the thoughtful gift of yours and in return, I do hope you love your surprise gifts as well.

I am so looking forward with the every special occasion to come, I wanted to spend it all being with myRichard.