Lost and found and lost again...

It’s already 9.30pm, and here am I, still in the office doing some backlog and also assisting my colleagues to check status for registration while they go night market hunting for sales. Work has been over-piling with sales figure, individual service rating, etc. Sigh, am still wondering how far I can grow with Maxis now. It has been a year and a half I’m stuck with Maxis; I must say this job is the longest one right after graduation and somewhere somehow I feel that myself being too comfortable with the job. In fact, I’m not moving anywhere forward in term of my career. Is this a good sign or bad that I begin to settle down? Or am I just wasting time here in Ipoh whereby bigger cities like KL or Singapore could offer a better future? It seems that these never ending queries are back in action again and they are like a recorder as the questions and thoughts are playing non-stop in my pea-sized brain.

Relationship hasn’t been any good either. We squabble a lot. And I really whine a lot. From the things he does to the words he says, I’m just not satisfy. Maybe because of the little hole or a tiny crack he has planted earlier to my heart. It still hurts every now and then. Sometimes I think he has difficulties communicating to me and I find the same towards him. I really dare not to expect anything from him, I have been pushing myself very hard to learn to love him less but I think I failed tremendously. I just can’t put Uncle Wong off my mind even if it’s just a second and I really hated myself for this. Would someone be nice enough to aid my feelings and thoughts by showing me a path that would close all the uncertainties?

Ps: I’ll be going to Hong Kong in December with Eliza. I can’t wait for the moment. The moment of “Shop till you drop!”

Fyi, this pic has nothing to do with the blog entry at all, just that I love how myself is portrayed. LOL. Camwhore-slut kaw kaw....Hehehe

When sanity is gone.

01/08/08
Will someone who claims that he will love you and you only by all means suddenly just go out and flirt with girl or girls without your knowledge and yet he will still treat you super duper nice and hold your hands when both go to sleep? I was grasping for air when the heart that I have given out to Uncle Wong for many reasons and is threw against a glass door. It was broken ONCE AGAIN. Badly broken. I don’t even dare to pick it up and validate if it could be patch-up back or not. I’m not hoping him to treat me like a princess whereby all my words are commands nor am I pushing him off boundaries to make things go my way.

I really have given my heart out to Uncle Wong. Love with him is unlike those I used to have. I always want to “manja” with him. Every night before going to bed, I’ll kiss him on his cheeks, chest, forehead, hands, belly, etc almost a hundred times and I demand the same from him then only I’ll doze off. We hold hands when we sleep and I love rubbing his belly and resting my head on it when we have pillow talk. I also love waking up having him beside me. He has given me my utmost happiest moment of life. However, at the same time I also seem can’t understand the happiness around me are so short-lived.

I cried for the whole morning, he called to say sorry. Once he got back from work, he hugged me tightly and said that the rest are just flings. Unreal thing. Unlike me, he wanted to be serious with. As helpless as I am, I accepted the happy-for-now-worry-later sort of apology. I think something is really wrong with me. It’s just so not me. Not in a way whereby your man can be two times being unfaithful and yet you can forgive him. Be it forcefully or not, it doesn’t seem to matter. Big SIGH...

Uncle Wong,

When will you stop tormenting my feelings and emotions and love me for real? Would you stop all these heart-wrenching hurts and scars that you have implement in me? I think I'll be going insane one day by loving you more each day which I don't intended too and I just can't explain why I keep on falling into you.

Your girl.

Sweet Getaway...

It has been almost been three weeks I’m back from the Redang trip with my babies from workplace, Eliza and Joanne, and also another new colleague whom I barely close to. Fun trip yor, we got the squeaky funz from snorkeling and the amazing blue sand discovery that only could be seen during the nights. Not to forget to mention about the meal buffets of breakfast, lunch and dinner at Laguna Redang Island Resort, an all-sponsored trip by Maxis.

Joanne said that the whole vacation thing is like incomplete without the boyfriends around as there are so many romantic thingy could be done together, e.g walking on sandy beach holding hands, discovering blue sand together, snorkeling and so much more. However, I see Redang more like a making out getaway place. Can have so many different spots to make love. Different ambiances and different moods. I told that to Uncle Wong and he just laughed me silly. :p ( blerks!)


#Our killing pose at the love circle at more-more tea inn

#My baby Eliza and I

#Cacated pose

#Group picture Take One

#Group picture TakeTwo

#Ah Bee, Baby and Ah Boo

#Another group pic

# Aha..and another one!

#Sweet looking sluts!

#Babes...More and more of me and my baby Eliza

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Once again after my trip from Redang, I discovered UncleWong has lied to me again. While I was away for my vacation, he text-ed a girl's number from Thailand proclaiming he misses her. Yes, I felt fuck'up literally. So much of disappointment once again. What some more, he actually bought a Digi number so I could not trace a thing about them...He's getting smarter

-to be edited soon...

Helpless biatch= ME

Uncle Wong has not been the most promising boyfriend ever. All this while, I have committed myself wholly to him knowing and believing he’s the same towards me. From the very first second to where we are now, there’s not a single doubt he’s not real or true to me. This feeling of assurance he has given me, I treasure every bit of it. I was shaken a bit at first when I know he has been keeping in touch with a girl quite often as I glanced through his itemized billing. I confronted him and once again I believed in him that they are just friends and the girl he’s calling was going through some matters. I don’t want to make myself turning into some psycho biatch that would 24/7 check on her own boyfriend. I don’t want to repeat on the same mistake like I used to, whereby Wyman was suffocated by my immature and insecure actions. So, I trusted him and not wanting to know more if he’s lying or not.

For Uncle Wong, I really wanted to give all I could as I believe we can take it to the next level. Marriage. But he has broken the trust and faith. He just smashed them right against the walls, leaving me with total disappointment. I discovered a pack of condom with only two rubbers left yesterday night and he just returned from his trip to Thailand. I felt fucked up. Completely. How I wished he would lie to me or smart enough to actually not bring back any evidence that would found by me. How I wished when I confronted him, he would lie to me and tell me it’s not exactly what I have in mind. Since it’s not the first time this happened, I thought I could do it like the first time by allowing myself not to believe my sight. But I can’t. I felt helpless. I cried non-stop and he’s just there sitting down looking at me. I don’t know if he’s laughing at how stupid am I or maybe he could have been feeling regret by now.

He has hurt me so much more and deeper in all ways than all of my ex-s did. However, I realized even though it’s a half a year relationship but I have love him more than I have loved my ex-s. I eventually forgave him. I know deeply he would hurt me again and maybe the next time could be ten times more heart wrenching than now. Yes, I’m stupid and I’m helpless too.

Days of acceptance

I went for Air Asia Cabin Crew Interview two weeks ago and I got it. But I turned that down in the end. Lots of people have been asking me then why bother going for the try. I don’t know that myself, perhaps been getting a lot of negative remarks from my family. Grandma especially. I kept on asking Uncle Wong should I accept that offer and he just wouldn’t want to tell me how he feels inside. Later on when I broke the news to him, he’s happy that I choose to stay.

Besides, I don’t know what happened to me lately as I seem isolating myself from others. I used to go out so often and suddenly I just quit the habit of clubbing and reduce my yumcha sessions with the rest. Every now and then, I just stick to Uncle Wong, would only follow to wherever he goes. If the activity doesn’t include Uncle Wong, I would then make it short and simple and left as early as I could so that I could go meet my Uncle Wong. Like damn sticky glue…I confronted Uncle Wong on this issue and he just laughed and replied me saying it is a signage that I’m ready for marrying him. DUH!

Then in a more serious tone, he actually means what he said. I, on the other hand, just acted dumb. I still need more of everything to really commit wholly to Uncle Wong. He’s a great guy that could and would take really good care of you but the lack nesses of romance have almost killed all my dreams and fantasies. BIG SIGH! I’m still trying hard and harder each day to allow myself to learn to accept the fact that my current boyfriend is UNCLE Wong. LOL.




*When we were still shy towards each other...Hahaha. I damn pretenciously innocent at that time and he also damn pretenciously cool. We have grow to learn about each other more and more. Both find each other very annoying now...

*The ducky smile he abducted from me. I'm spreading real bad virus and posion to him as what he tells me all the time. e.g he's not behaving like himself. Good or bad now?

My sense of security although he's busy solving the sudoku and left me alone cam-whoring kaw kaw.

Till then...

I pushed the boundary whereby I chatted on the phone with Skeet for 2 hours. Never had we chatted for this long except when he’s in the courtship for me and also when we were still together, there’s no need to be on the phone for long as we would meet every single day and night. He asked me out for dinner on Thursday night, something like a farewell dinner as he’ll be transferred to KL for promotion but I rejected him. I really don’t see a point there to meet up whereby I don’t and won’t even care anymore things about him. I may appear very cold here but it’s not a bad thing that I have entirely moved on with my life and wholly over him.

I do miss our moments of togetherness. The silly and funny things we have shared, the touching moments that made me in tears, the stupid fights we endured. It’s all now encapsulated and sealed. I will not grieve over the loss as it has brought me to Uncle Wong. My new found happiness. I know I’m such a bitch but who are not when you deeply understand that there’s no turning back and the hurt has gone too immeasurable deep due to the previous one.

Skeet,

I know you are reading my blog. Whatever things you heard from others, be it exaggerated or modified, somehow it holds 35 % of truth. I’m not blind folded with hatred, but the things that you have done and “that one thing” in extra has made me comprehend better I deserved a lot better than you. I’m pretty sure family and friends around you would have told you the same thing too and they are right about it. So, move on and make life worth living and if possible let it be random. After all, there's no such thing as one can never live without another person. We may have cause pains to each other but we have also once loved so real and so deep. Let it all be memories like you have said. About the question that whether you will be invited to my future wedding or not, no certainty. Who knows I may ended up not married. But fuck that, I'm so not going to let that happen to me. Till then, take care in your future undertakings...

Jampi-ed kaw kaw

I lost my phone again. This time is my Motorola V6. Think I have either left it in the hospital yesterday when Dad is admitted due to gall stone surgery. All those precious photos gone. Argh! Need to get a new phone soon but I’m in financial crisis at the moment. Feeling extremely fucked up. My Sony T-10 digital camera has decided to die on me two weeks before I lost my phone. How can one’s luck be this bad, as if i kena jampi-ed. *Screams hysterically*

********************

*Wanted to post this up earlier but ended up in draft for days (05/03/08)

I woke up this morning feeling predominantly in love. Thanks for giving me this feeling, Uncle Wong. Thanks thanks thanks! Nope, Uncle Wong did not bombshell me with a 10 carat diamond ring and asked me to marry him nor he bought me anything good (he’s a person that won’t spend on less-practical stuff, remember?) There’s just something about him that I don’t know how to sum all in words. I felt loved. Deeply. Thanks once again.

Scars

I remembered how I used to be so crazy in love and I lost my sanity at all times. My ex-s all were very much disturbed with me on this issue. I would want things to go my way all the time and if they refused to give in, I would then try crying and hurting myself and also tormenting them. Abusive relationships as a whole and I’m sure no guys would love their partner to be behave like I used to. Is it because of I’m spoilt since young, like how Dad and Mum give me almost everything they could and I can never stop asking for more?

I definitely would leave a deep mark in their hearts (Wyman and Skeet) and I’m pretty sure they have never met such nuisance girl like me and the worst part is they had me as their girlfriend. Time frame with Wyman is 4.5 years long, as for Skeet, it was only like a roller coaster ride as we only manage to maintain for 1.5 years. Well, I’m growing up and I really do. I used to hurt myself badly whenever I failed to win over an argument with the ex-s. I even cut my wrist so that I could obtain all the attention I ever wanted and also I want them to listen and shut up. Pretty mad, right? I scared myself too when this becoming a habit. A real awful one. I even have the habit taking photos of my bleeding wrist. How crazy can one be?





Okay. Pathetic, right? Just wanted to post this up so it could be a gentle reminder to myself how stupid and sick I was back then. It was all good now although my wrist is scarred as I'm truly glad I can control my emotions ways better than before. If I ever wanted another relationship to sink, I can try doing this again. Desmond Wong (The newbie) can never accept this fact as he's always the mature kind and to handle me and having me as his gf, he's already half dead putting in efforts. Slap me bitch if I ever going to repeat this sickening act in order to hurt myself and him. So it's going to be a big no-no...Everyone learns from mistake and I thank God my mistake doesn't cost me my life as I'm still able to revert on this.

ps: will update V's day post in a few days time.

Romance no more.

Valentines’s Day is approaching and in fact, it’s just tomorrow. Still remembered clearly how year 2007 Valentine’s was celebrated. In fact, the celebration was so superior as the memory is still fresh in my head, every second, every minute, every hour and all of those moments. However, I can never quit reminding myself there’s always a price to pay when one has been betrayed. No matter how much I love about romance, I would need to stand on the ground and be real. The word “perfect” doesn’t come in a complete package. You could have all the romance you want but you can never get assurance in your love life where you will be treated right. So what could I asked for? Nothing. If I were to least expecting for things to happen, I think I can be a happier person that way. Or at least, I learned this from my fall.

I’m attached. I know some have even put a bet on me stating that I can never be single for more than a month of two. It’s so true. Dad isn’t that happy with me as he believed I should have take some time off and mingle around than committing myself into another relationship almost immediately. I understand how he actually feels for me as I can really go insane if I’m deeply into a relationship. I can’t agree more with Dad but sometimes when the feelings are so bizarre, you would need to take the step to venture in it and see if it’s work. Hahaha. Easy said, right?

Well, the newbie Mr.BF was one of my customers from Maxis. He came with his supervisor one fine morning, signed up a phone deal and left. There’s no chemistry at all. Just a norm transaction likes others and he did come to Maxis after that for 3G settings, which I just assist accordingly. Things started to slope in was when the day I broke up with Skeet on 17/11/07, I met Mr. Newbie BF at Sincero entrance and somehow he asked for my number and I gave him a sour lemon to suck but I did offer a lil bit of comfort stating that I’ll contact him instead of vice versa, which I really did. The whole process of courtship is really short and simple but things seem to be really steady. Like tremendously steady. He’s 8 years older by difference. I know I can totally forget about romance being with him. Simply because I think he’s a very much practical person. A whole new beginning to adapt and to learn, I would say. Let's cross fingers and hope that I need not to go thru another heartbreak again and even if i do, i really have nothing much left to say...

Gone.

Yup. I have broken up with Baby Hamster. He’s no longer my baby and I wouldn’t want that calling anymore. I don’t know when it all started when the hatred has gone so strong but it was all good as I don’t want to have any connection with him at all. From my tone, I’m pretty sure everyone could guess it was a pretty bad break up. At first, it wasn’t this bad. We were still in talking terms and still care bout each other. (Maybe it was just only me having that wrong assumption). I do admit I have played a huge role in sinking this relationship. Tons of things I have done that have broken the trust and the faith he has for me but this doesn’t mean I’m allowing to be betrayed.

Dear Mr. Cheng,

Thank you for loving me for 1.5 years long. I thought you are such a rare find where you have unconditionally love me with my rather much arrogant and sick attitude as commented by others. The gifts you have showered me almost made in tears as you always said I deserve the very best from you. The memories we both shared since 12 years old up to how we got attached. As we grow to see each other’s flaws, we learned to accept those and after accepting yet we argued on those also and then we learned to accept again. Endless times we have fought and yet we have endured once after once. I know the thought of giving up is running in our minds very often, it’s just that both still wanted to try to pull through. Our relationship has lost its spark and I can’t deny I am allowing a lot of negative inputs to ruin what we had earlier on. I can never bring back those sweet moments we used to shared, you can never also made me felt the way before. I think when both have come to this stage, we have then learned and choose to let go. I really wish the break up can shape us to be better so that if our path may cross again, we have all the reasons to be together again and who knows, it may developed healthier.

That was what I had in my mind earlier and I wrote that with my assured feelings about us, before you fuckingly ruin every single thing I have for you. I was so wrong about us. Damn wrong. All these while, I have been blind-folded to be with you. Promises you made and things you have done disgusted me so much. I’m so going to take back what I have commented on us before this. Before you actually slept with that bitch. I could never imagine you doing those things to me and hurting me this much. You know what, my heart is broken. We can never be back together and so do the ruined 11 years of friendship. A final full stop to everything we used to have. Do not wish me happiness as I do not need those crappy wishes from you. I can seek for my own happiness and I'm better off without you, this I'm sure.