Miss Yew or Miss U?

I "heart" this mms alot. :)

Between needs and wants

It has been two months after the break up; I’m thinking less about Uncle Wong day after day. My mind has been occupied with Heineken at most time! LOL. I’m just kidding. Ever since the break up, I wanted so much another person to take over Uncle Wong’s place so that I could get rid the hurt immediately. I have been constantly reminding myself that I do deserve someone ways better and also the break up is a right decision but I know it is not helping much.

I ended up hurting more guys in my life by giving wrong signals. By believing the fact that I should choose someone who loves me more than I do towards him could bring me total contentment. I did also try to convince myself to commit in a relationship where it could lead to marriage, simply because I wanted to get married. However I was too one-dimensional minded not to think about my own feelings or asking myself, “Is that what I need or is that what I want?”

For the past two months after the break up, I was very closely attached to this guy. He appears to me very caring and never fails to deliver whatever is promised. A complete opposite with Uncle Wong. I thought it is time for me to love less and be loved in most ways. Enough of being a good girlfriend role and it is time to be in control in a relationship just like before (when I was with Skeet). I was so wrong to allow him to my life and giving him a green light. Looking at things now, I really felt shitty. I just feel not that comfortable anymore with him…he is like giving me pressures and demanding for a relationship even though he has never verbally communicating that to me. Or maybe it is really difficult to try to be with someone whom you are not interested into. I know I am being really mean to only think about myself but you have to think for yourself before you could think for others. Am I right?

I think I really have been fair to him as I have told him so many times if I were to be with him so soon…he could only happened to be a rebound and he told me he doesn’t care. Well, so he was someone that I need to ease my hurtful moment and not someone I really want to be with on the long run. At first I do really want a right timing to tell this out to him and how sorry I was in taking him for granted without realizing it. But before I could lay a word on this, like what I have written in my previous entry on the “someone in particular”. Well, thanks for revealing your true self and I don’t think I owe you any apology now. I have enough of you and the embarrassment you given me through other people. I won't forget that.

Pissed.

I really cannot sleep yesterday night. Wanted to talk to someone so much about something I just heard. Wanted to pour out whatever doubts that trapped inside my mind ever since the break up. Most importantly I just want someone to confide in and tell me things going to be alright. I miss the moment I cried myself to sleep while Uncle Wong would have pat me and hugged me. I felt so safe back then but now I’m all alone facing these crappy moments of those things people gossiped behind my back. I’m tearing myself up soon and I am not very delighted to see that happening to myself.


To Someone in Particular.
I don’t need you to take accountability in anything, there’s no spark and I don’t see there is any point we should bring us to any other stage. I did have try to like you and try to be with you but when it come all to senses and feelings…I got none for you. So I decided to stay away from you. Be a nice gentleman and keep your mouth real shut on certain things if just things are not meant to be. If I weren’t told on things I heard about you telling others, maybe we could still be hi-bye friends but looking at the situation now, I really don’t wish to see you anymore in the future. Please don’t bother to contact me anymore, I won’t return your calls or sms. You definitely don’t understand what kind of person I am; when I am pissed…I am pissed.
Note: I am not talking about my ex here. Uncle Wong will never ever do that to me or to anyone.

I really felt like crying ahhhh…Argh! I can’t think of anything now. I need rest. I need a get away but I just wasted RM1.3K on HK flight tickets but it's a right move to cancel the trip and I felt relieved doing that. I don't feel sorry...and I won't. Call me mean and tell others more and more about me...Yes, I am very sad and agrravated now but I know it won't bother me long because life is just too short to worry...

Why am I like that...

Another stupid night where alcohol has drunk my rational thought, I called Uncle Wong again and again. I think he’s very bothered and definitely wanted me to take the whole break up as it’s not the end of the world. He told me he would prefer to see us as very good friends still in future and also living at the moment like this, I think he is just crapping. Sigh…why am I still so stupid to dig up those guts I already buried in the past. Say no to alcohol…please please…

Seriously I have never been like this before. I have never learned to love a man like this whereby I have given all out to him and resulting I left myself deeply wounded. Been reading a book, titled “The rules of Love” by Richard Templar. I enjoy reading that but it is not helping as much as I deliberate it could help. I want a new guy! So I can get over the old one but it's not a good move. Sigh...
How how how how how how how...?

I received a call just now asking me if I remember him, Bruce, then i replied with a "no" and he slowly chunk in some facts whereby I met him during Uncle Wong's best friend's wedding in Syuen, the specky guy who works in Penang and the one and only who brought digital camera to the dinner and took some of my pics. I recalled and bugger...he still not yet send those pics which consist Uncle Wong and I. I found those very meaningless now and yet I still remind him not to forget to send...Hehehe...

Life is all about bitchings

Feeling outright moody today. Sleepy too. I was on the phone with a friend until 2am in the morning and it was really a nice chat till I received multiple sms-es from another friend trying to tell me he’s fucking drunk and heard a lot of negative remarks about me. I ignored the first few sms-es until he smsed again asking me if I may have offended anyone. Sigh sigh sigh. What is the major problem now to have someone gossip behind your back…Everyone gossips…I have so many friends coming to me complaining about their families, pets, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, etc…But never do I for once go back to the another party and tell them that they have just been made as a gossip issue because it is so so so childish and inappropriate. There are friends who do not like you at all and to a great extend, they don’t even greet when they see you and asking me to ditch you off and join them…So? I come and tell you about it? Obviously no, right? So why did you come and sms me in the middle of the night and just spoil my mood like that? You find it fun? I find it very very annoying and disturbing.

I am not really made perfect and to please everyone I meet. I’m just being myself all this while and you fuckingly don’t like the way I carry myself around, don’t get close to me. I don’t need to be told on what to do and how should I do about it. ARGH! I’m getting more and more aggravated now.

Alcoholic

I have been partying hard lately. Randomness of serious thoughts and I just wish I could drown all those away with alcohol…LOL. Okay…I can’t blame it all on that, maybe I just like to drink. :p

I called Uncle Wong back and still have the bad habit of calling him Ah Dear. Sigh. Somehow and someway, I come to know he is attached with someone new but maybe both still wanted to remain unofficial first. I’m glad that he can move on so fast. Okay…I’m actually not glad. My heart aches. But there is nothing can be done anymore, there’s no switch which I could click on so that I could rewind back to where we were…If I just have one my eyes closed for the things he has done behind me, maybe I don’t need to feel what I am feeling now. He told me he doesn’t want to see me this way…weeping over the phone again and talking to him in half-drunk condition. Stupid Heineken!!!

I know I am recovering. It's just a matter of time.

Broken for him

The break up has really left me bleeding out all my confidence and dependence in a relationship. I succeeded for not calling Uncle Wong though I wanted so much to talk to him to tell him how much I miss him after being tipsy every time I went out drinking. I realized under the influence of alcohol, I did not hold back those feelings I still have or left for him. I have let go entirely what my heart wanted to feel and I think I really have put too much in the relationship resulting I’m still trapped within his shadows.

There is none for a single day that he does not cross over my mind…I wanted to control so much on my feelings and my emotions but I failed. Maybe I hope so much for a fulfilling relationship with him than ending our relationship. It’s just out from my reach to chase what I strongly believe in and to hang on what I thought it’s real, and very soon and very much…every thing, my thoughts and my rational moments just collapsed and ended there. Leaving me battling alone and confusing myself whether am I right or wrong the moment I made that decision which is to let go…

My mind tells me that it is so god-damn right of a decision I have made but my heart tells another thing. Why love has to be this complicating or I am the complicated one?

"Yoyo" Moment

I have a good chat with Uncle Wong yesterday. No more weeping over the phone and complaining bout the whole break up already. Certain things he asked, I know he still cares. It’s like I can still feel him in my own world but that’s about it. We will never be together again. Such a drama…and it has ended with no happy ending. Guess that’s just life. It’s funny that I still enjoy those naggings from him. It must have been a bad habit he has given me. Oh yeah, I dreamt about Uncle Wong again. I woke up feeling literally uncertain or better said, confused. My feelings are so mixed up, like I no longer can define things that happened between reality and dreams.

John Ooi has said it correctly that I’m in a yoyo stage now. Indecisive in many ways. I guess time is all I need to heal completely and it’s not a bad thing to stay single actually. I will get to do a lot of things which I was prohibited to do when I’m still in a relationship. Not to say sleeping around or having countless sex partners…Just that I won’t clingy anymore and I will have more time to be with myself or with friends and people that I find comfort in. I don’t need to be afraid on things that I’m doing or will be doing would hurt my man.

Well...

Saw his latest bill statement and found out that sometimes people just don’t change. Glad that I have taken the first step and moved out, glad that is over and the happiest thing is I don’t feel my crushed heart that painful moment any longer. :)

I have cancelled the e-billing, whereby Maxis would stop sending Uncle Wong’s phone bill statements to my email monthly. I don’t need to fear what I may found out anymore. I won’t be going to sleep beside a man whom I thought I know him well enough but I actually I don’t. I’m happy for myself. Seriously, I do.

:-(

****************~ Chapter ended ~****************

I dreamt about Uncle Wong again. In fact, it was just last night I saw him in my dream. When we were still together, I hardly catch a glimpse of his face in my dreams but right after the break up I have been seeing him so frequently and for all, those dreams are not the contented kind. As much as I could remember, we were very cold towards each other.
Perhaps I have been overloading my brain with stuff he has done or the silly mistakes I may have done too during the togetherness. I have tried very hard not to think about him and learning to let go completely but I also believe it won’t be an overnight thing. Nowadays I often caught myself thinking a lot, staring at things blankly and think so hard why the hurtful feelings are so hard to be digested.

Thinking back where we have just started, I can never escaped and hide those feelings which are so real and so close to heart but whenever I think about the current “us” now, I felt so sour. There are times I woke up with tears in my eyes. I miss him. I really do. I miss sleeping beside him, I miss hugging him to sleep, I miss the cuddling moment, I miss smelling the lotion I assisted him to apply every time before heading to bed…Basically I miss the “us” back then, before the relationship is scarred. Before the hurtful and ugly things I discovered in him. Am I not good enough for him, have I done not enough? There are tons of questions I don’t understand…Why would he treat me like that? Why we have let go so easily and why we never take any move to defend what we believe in? What have I done wrong…?

Basically, we will never know what have we missed till we lost it. I have chosen to let go and I can never ever claim him back as I have understand he hasn’t love me that much. Well, or maybe all this while I’m just a companion to him that he has never wanted to take serious with. How silly of me to actually believe he’s serious in marrying me and making me his wife. He has cut my faith into believing in the next relationship. I’m so afraid of the downfall I may have faced if I were to have a new boyfriend again. I’m so sick in re-adapting to a whole new relationship and along the way, wasting time and ended up that “Oh well, this man is still not the right one…”

I’m going nuts edi…

Seeing it and feeling it

At one point of time (not that it happens many times), I do have the thinking that I should stay single. Break away from engaging into a relationship for a periodical of time. At least half a year or more, I would say. However, I don’t understand why it is so intricate for me to be single for once. Is it because I do really need attention wholly as I don’t as much as I wanted them?

Okay, I have called it off with Uncle Wong last Friday, dated 23 January 200, almost 2 weeks ago. There are so many reasons to be listed down why are we drifting apart, there are many reasons too that things could actually work out (with the ability to be blind-folded again and again). Sometimes in a relationship, it is just the matter of giving and taking. There’s no balance for both. No one has look good into our relationship thinking the age gap plays an important part. However it wasn’t an issue to me at all. I love this man and I really wanted to get married to him even though deeply inside, I know we will not be in the long run.

It was really heart wrenching to pack all my stuff at his place and moved out. The feelings were so indescribable and even though it’s just a year we were together…it has almost last me a lifetime of happiness. I wished to capture every moment spent in words, making the best of those memories we shared. At most times, I really wanted to tell so much to him on how he has become a part of my life and his family too. I really am going to miss them so much. His mum especially. Although how many fights we have endured, how much heartbreak we have caused each other, I will always remember you. The one that I have really put my heart into. I saw it coming. The whole breakup process...I just thought I won't be that hurt anymore since I have seen it coming but I was wrong. So wrong...

Been crying too much. Sulk too much…and sigh too much…

Carmen Yew,

There’s no point grieving over the loss. If things really not working out, let it go. There are reasons why he is now called your ex. It may hurt and it may not be a little bit but don’t let the hurt turn to hatred as love is a very simple thing from the beginning. No one should have ever been made perfect or mold into perfections. Even you have most flaws that one could find in others and that doesn’t give credit for you to hurt others and for others to hurt you back…

I really need some moments for soul searching.

Lost and found and lost again...

It’s already 9.30pm, and here am I, still in the office doing some backlog and also assisting my colleagues to check status for registration while they go night market hunting for sales. Work has been over-piling with sales figure, individual service rating, etc. Sigh, am still wondering how far I can grow with Maxis now. It has been a year and a half I’m stuck with Maxis; I must say this job is the longest one right after graduation and somewhere somehow I feel that myself being too comfortable with the job. In fact, I’m not moving anywhere forward in term of my career. Is this a good sign or bad that I begin to settle down? Or am I just wasting time here in Ipoh whereby bigger cities like KL or Singapore could offer a better future? It seems that these never ending queries are back in action again and they are like a recorder as the questions and thoughts are playing non-stop in my pea-sized brain.

Relationship hasn’t been any good either. We squabble a lot. And I really whine a lot. From the things he does to the words he says, I’m just not satisfy. Maybe because of the little hole or a tiny crack he has planted earlier to my heart. It still hurts every now and then. Sometimes I think he has difficulties communicating to me and I find the same towards him. I really dare not to expect anything from him, I have been pushing myself very hard to learn to love him less but I think I failed tremendously. I just can’t put Uncle Wong off my mind even if it’s just a second and I really hated myself for this. Would someone be nice enough to aid my feelings and thoughts by showing me a path that would close all the uncertainties?

Ps: I’ll be going to Hong Kong in December with Eliza. I can’t wait for the moment. The moment of “Shop till you drop!”

Fyi, this pic has nothing to do with the blog entry at all, just that I love how myself is portrayed. LOL. Camwhore-slut kaw kaw....Hehehe

When sanity is gone.

01/08/08
Will someone who claims that he will love you and you only by all means suddenly just go out and flirt with girl or girls without your knowledge and yet he will still treat you super duper nice and hold your hands when both go to sleep? I was grasping for air when the heart that I have given out to Uncle Wong for many reasons and is threw against a glass door. It was broken ONCE AGAIN. Badly broken. I don’t even dare to pick it up and validate if it could be patch-up back or not. I’m not hoping him to treat me like a princess whereby all my words are commands nor am I pushing him off boundaries to make things go my way.

I really have given my heart out to Uncle Wong. Love with him is unlike those I used to have. I always want to “manja” with him. Every night before going to bed, I’ll kiss him on his cheeks, chest, forehead, hands, belly, etc almost a hundred times and I demand the same from him then only I’ll doze off. We hold hands when we sleep and I love rubbing his belly and resting my head on it when we have pillow talk. I also love waking up having him beside me. He has given me my utmost happiest moment of life. However, at the same time I also seem can’t understand the happiness around me are so short-lived.

I cried for the whole morning, he called to say sorry. Once he got back from work, he hugged me tightly and said that the rest are just flings. Unreal thing. Unlike me, he wanted to be serious with. As helpless as I am, I accepted the happy-for-now-worry-later sort of apology. I think something is really wrong with me. It’s just so not me. Not in a way whereby your man can be two times being unfaithful and yet you can forgive him. Be it forcefully or not, it doesn’t seem to matter. Big SIGH...

Uncle Wong,

When will you stop tormenting my feelings and emotions and love me for real? Would you stop all these heart-wrenching hurts and scars that you have implement in me? I think I'll be going insane one day by loving you more each day which I don't intended too and I just can't explain why I keep on falling into you.

Your girl.

Sweet Getaway...

It has been almost been three weeks I’m back from the Redang trip with my babies from workplace, Eliza and Joanne, and also another new colleague whom I barely close to. Fun trip yor, we got the squeaky funz from snorkeling and the amazing blue sand discovery that only could be seen during the nights. Not to forget to mention about the meal buffets of breakfast, lunch and dinner at Laguna Redang Island Resort, an all-sponsored trip by Maxis.

Joanne said that the whole vacation thing is like incomplete without the boyfriends around as there are so many romantic thingy could be done together, e.g walking on sandy beach holding hands, discovering blue sand together, snorkeling and so much more. However, I see Redang more like a making out getaway place. Can have so many different spots to make love. Different ambiances and different moods. I told that to Uncle Wong and he just laughed me silly. :p ( blerks!)


#Our killing pose at the love circle at more-more tea inn

#My baby Eliza and I

#Cacated pose

#Group picture Take One

#Group picture TakeTwo

#Ah Bee, Baby and Ah Boo

#Another group pic

# Aha..and another one!

#Sweet looking sluts!

#Babes...More and more of me and my baby Eliza

******************************

Once again after my trip from Redang, I discovered UncleWong has lied to me again. While I was away for my vacation, he text-ed a girl's number from Thailand proclaiming he misses her. Yes, I felt fuck'up literally. So much of disappointment once again. What some more, he actually bought a Digi number so I could not trace a thing about them...He's getting smarter

-to be edited soon...

Helpless biatch= ME

Uncle Wong has not been the most promising boyfriend ever. All this while, I have committed myself wholly to him knowing and believing he’s the same towards me. From the very first second to where we are now, there’s not a single doubt he’s not real or true to me. This feeling of assurance he has given me, I treasure every bit of it. I was shaken a bit at first when I know he has been keeping in touch with a girl quite often as I glanced through his itemized billing. I confronted him and once again I believed in him that they are just friends and the girl he’s calling was going through some matters. I don’t want to make myself turning into some psycho biatch that would 24/7 check on her own boyfriend. I don’t want to repeat on the same mistake like I used to, whereby Wyman was suffocated by my immature and insecure actions. So, I trusted him and not wanting to know more if he’s lying or not.

For Uncle Wong, I really wanted to give all I could as I believe we can take it to the next level. Marriage. But he has broken the trust and faith. He just smashed them right against the walls, leaving me with total disappointment. I discovered a pack of condom with only two rubbers left yesterday night and he just returned from his trip to Thailand. I felt fucked up. Completely. How I wished he would lie to me or smart enough to actually not bring back any evidence that would found by me. How I wished when I confronted him, he would lie to me and tell me it’s not exactly what I have in mind. Since it’s not the first time this happened, I thought I could do it like the first time by allowing myself not to believe my sight. But I can’t. I felt helpless. I cried non-stop and he’s just there sitting down looking at me. I don’t know if he’s laughing at how stupid am I or maybe he could have been feeling regret by now.

He has hurt me so much more and deeper in all ways than all of my ex-s did. However, I realized even though it’s a half a year relationship but I have love him more than I have loved my ex-s. I eventually forgave him. I know deeply he would hurt me again and maybe the next time could be ten times more heart wrenching than now. Yes, I’m stupid and I’m helpless too.

Days of acceptance

I went for Air Asia Cabin Crew Interview two weeks ago and I got it. But I turned that down in the end. Lots of people have been asking me then why bother going for the try. I don’t know that myself, perhaps been getting a lot of negative remarks from my family. Grandma especially. I kept on asking Uncle Wong should I accept that offer and he just wouldn’t want to tell me how he feels inside. Later on when I broke the news to him, he’s happy that I choose to stay.

Besides, I don’t know what happened to me lately as I seem isolating myself from others. I used to go out so often and suddenly I just quit the habit of clubbing and reduce my yumcha sessions with the rest. Every now and then, I just stick to Uncle Wong, would only follow to wherever he goes. If the activity doesn’t include Uncle Wong, I would then make it short and simple and left as early as I could so that I could go meet my Uncle Wong. Like damn sticky glue…I confronted Uncle Wong on this issue and he just laughed and replied me saying it is a signage that I’m ready for marrying him. DUH!

Then in a more serious tone, he actually means what he said. I, on the other hand, just acted dumb. I still need more of everything to really commit wholly to Uncle Wong. He’s a great guy that could and would take really good care of you but the lack nesses of romance have almost killed all my dreams and fantasies. BIG SIGH! I’m still trying hard and harder each day to allow myself to learn to accept the fact that my current boyfriend is UNCLE Wong. LOL.




*When we were still shy towards each other...Hahaha. I damn pretenciously innocent at that time and he also damn pretenciously cool. We have grow to learn about each other more and more. Both find each other very annoying now...

*The ducky smile he abducted from me. I'm spreading real bad virus and posion to him as what he tells me all the time. e.g he's not behaving like himself. Good or bad now?

My sense of security although he's busy solving the sudoku and left me alone cam-whoring kaw kaw.

Till then...

I pushed the boundary whereby I chatted on the phone with Skeet for 2 hours. Never had we chatted for this long except when he’s in the courtship for me and also when we were still together, there’s no need to be on the phone for long as we would meet every single day and night. He asked me out for dinner on Thursday night, something like a farewell dinner as he’ll be transferred to KL for promotion but I rejected him. I really don’t see a point there to meet up whereby I don’t and won’t even care anymore things about him. I may appear very cold here but it’s not a bad thing that I have entirely moved on with my life and wholly over him.

I do miss our moments of togetherness. The silly and funny things we have shared, the touching moments that made me in tears, the stupid fights we endured. It’s all now encapsulated and sealed. I will not grieve over the loss as it has brought me to Uncle Wong. My new found happiness. I know I’m such a bitch but who are not when you deeply understand that there’s no turning back and the hurt has gone too immeasurable deep due to the previous one.

Skeet,

I know you are reading my blog. Whatever things you heard from others, be it exaggerated or modified, somehow it holds 35 % of truth. I’m not blind folded with hatred, but the things that you have done and “that one thing” in extra has made me comprehend better I deserved a lot better than you. I’m pretty sure family and friends around you would have told you the same thing too and they are right about it. So, move on and make life worth living and if possible let it be random. After all, there's no such thing as one can never live without another person. We may have cause pains to each other but we have also once loved so real and so deep. Let it all be memories like you have said. About the question that whether you will be invited to my future wedding or not, no certainty. Who knows I may ended up not married. But fuck that, I'm so not going to let that happen to me. Till then, take care in your future undertakings...

Jampi-ed kaw kaw

I lost my phone again. This time is my Motorola V6. Think I have either left it in the hospital yesterday when Dad is admitted due to gall stone surgery. All those precious photos gone. Argh! Need to get a new phone soon but I’m in financial crisis at the moment. Feeling extremely fucked up. My Sony T-10 digital camera has decided to die on me two weeks before I lost my phone. How can one’s luck be this bad, as if i kena jampi-ed. *Screams hysterically*

********************

*Wanted to post this up earlier but ended up in draft for days (05/03/08)

I woke up this morning feeling predominantly in love. Thanks for giving me this feeling, Uncle Wong. Thanks thanks thanks! Nope, Uncle Wong did not bombshell me with a 10 carat diamond ring and asked me to marry him nor he bought me anything good (he’s a person that won’t spend on less-practical stuff, remember?) There’s just something about him that I don’t know how to sum all in words. I felt loved. Deeply. Thanks once again.

Scars

I remembered how I used to be so crazy in love and I lost my sanity at all times. My ex-s all were very much disturbed with me on this issue. I would want things to go my way all the time and if they refused to give in, I would then try crying and hurting myself and also tormenting them. Abusive relationships as a whole and I’m sure no guys would love their partner to be behave like I used to. Is it because of I’m spoilt since young, like how Dad and Mum give me almost everything they could and I can never stop asking for more?

I definitely would leave a deep mark in their hearts (Wyman and Skeet) and I’m pretty sure they have never met such nuisance girl like me and the worst part is they had me as their girlfriend. Time frame with Wyman is 4.5 years long, as for Skeet, it was only like a roller coaster ride as we only manage to maintain for 1.5 years. Well, I’m growing up and I really do. I used to hurt myself badly whenever I failed to win over an argument with the ex-s. I even cut my wrist so that I could obtain all the attention I ever wanted and also I want them to listen and shut up. Pretty mad, right? I scared myself too when this becoming a habit. A real awful one. I even have the habit taking photos of my bleeding wrist. How crazy can one be?





Okay. Pathetic, right? Just wanted to post this up so it could be a gentle reminder to myself how stupid and sick I was back then. It was all good now although my wrist is scarred as I'm truly glad I can control my emotions ways better than before. If I ever wanted another relationship to sink, I can try doing this again. Desmond Wong (The newbie) can never accept this fact as he's always the mature kind and to handle me and having me as his gf, he's already half dead putting in efforts. Slap me bitch if I ever going to repeat this sickening act in order to hurt myself and him. So it's going to be a big no-no...Everyone learns from mistake and I thank God my mistake doesn't cost me my life as I'm still able to revert on this.

ps: will update V's day post in a few days time.

Romance no more.

Valentines’s Day is approaching and in fact, it’s just tomorrow. Still remembered clearly how year 2007 Valentine’s was celebrated. In fact, the celebration was so superior as the memory is still fresh in my head, every second, every minute, every hour and all of those moments. However, I can never quit reminding myself there’s always a price to pay when one has been betrayed. No matter how much I love about romance, I would need to stand on the ground and be real. The word “perfect” doesn’t come in a complete package. You could have all the romance you want but you can never get assurance in your love life where you will be treated right. So what could I asked for? Nothing. If I were to least expecting for things to happen, I think I can be a happier person that way. Or at least, I learned this from my fall.

I’m attached. I know some have even put a bet on me stating that I can never be single for more than a month of two. It’s so true. Dad isn’t that happy with me as he believed I should have take some time off and mingle around than committing myself into another relationship almost immediately. I understand how he actually feels for me as I can really go insane if I’m deeply into a relationship. I can’t agree more with Dad but sometimes when the feelings are so bizarre, you would need to take the step to venture in it and see if it’s work. Hahaha. Easy said, right?

Well, the newbie Mr.BF was one of my customers from Maxis. He came with his supervisor one fine morning, signed up a phone deal and left. There’s no chemistry at all. Just a norm transaction likes others and he did come to Maxis after that for 3G settings, which I just assist accordingly. Things started to slope in was when the day I broke up with Skeet on 17/11/07, I met Mr. Newbie BF at Sincero entrance and somehow he asked for my number and I gave him a sour lemon to suck but I did offer a lil bit of comfort stating that I’ll contact him instead of vice versa, which I really did. The whole process of courtship is really short and simple but things seem to be really steady. Like tremendously steady. He’s 8 years older by difference. I know I can totally forget about romance being with him. Simply because I think he’s a very much practical person. A whole new beginning to adapt and to learn, I would say. Let's cross fingers and hope that I need not to go thru another heartbreak again and even if i do, i really have nothing much left to say...

Gone.

Yup. I have broken up with Baby Hamster. He’s no longer my baby and I wouldn’t want that calling anymore. I don’t know when it all started when the hatred has gone so strong but it was all good as I don’t want to have any connection with him at all. From my tone, I’m pretty sure everyone could guess it was a pretty bad break up. At first, it wasn’t this bad. We were still in talking terms and still care bout each other. (Maybe it was just only me having that wrong assumption). I do admit I have played a huge role in sinking this relationship. Tons of things I have done that have broken the trust and the faith he has for me but this doesn’t mean I’m allowing to be betrayed.

Dear Mr. Cheng,

Thank you for loving me for 1.5 years long. I thought you are such a rare find where you have unconditionally love me with my rather much arrogant and sick attitude as commented by others. The gifts you have showered me almost made in tears as you always said I deserve the very best from you. The memories we both shared since 12 years old up to how we got attached. As we grow to see each other’s flaws, we learned to accept those and after accepting yet we argued on those also and then we learned to accept again. Endless times we have fought and yet we have endured once after once. I know the thought of giving up is running in our minds very often, it’s just that both still wanted to try to pull through. Our relationship has lost its spark and I can’t deny I am allowing a lot of negative inputs to ruin what we had earlier on. I can never bring back those sweet moments we used to shared, you can never also made me felt the way before. I think when both have come to this stage, we have then learned and choose to let go. I really wish the break up can shape us to be better so that if our path may cross again, we have all the reasons to be together again and who knows, it may developed healthier.

That was what I had in my mind earlier and I wrote that with my assured feelings about us, before you fuckingly ruin every single thing I have for you. I was so wrong about us. Damn wrong. All these while, I have been blind-folded to be with you. Promises you made and things you have done disgusted me so much. I’m so going to take back what I have commented on us before this. Before you actually slept with that bitch. I could never imagine you doing those things to me and hurting me this much. You know what, my heart is broken. We can never be back together and so do the ruined 11 years of friendship. A final full stop to everything we used to have. Do not wish me happiness as I do not need those crappy wishes from you. I can seek for my own happiness and I'm better off without you, this I'm sure.

Redirecting

This blog is not dead. Just that it has been abandoned since ages ago. Massive of random stuff has happened and too bad, sometimes things just can’t be captured wholly in words. I decided then to bury some in mind rather than blogging them out.

I have left my career which I thought I most likely will succeed in, Advertising and design. I’m tiring with the orders and alterations over and over again. Politics and the people. I had enough of all these and it is time for a change. An immense one. I have moved on to Customer Service and Retail Consultancy in Maxis Ipoh. My financial issue is secured after I shifted back to Ipoh. I got to save more and I got to spend more within my means as well. Hehehe. At first, I actually have the fear for myself in switching jobs again as it like a habit ever since the first job I plunged into right after graduation. However, it is going to be 6 months already and I’m relief I’m still employed and would really want myself to enhance my career with promising advancements in Maxis or at least I could polish well of my resume with the years of experience. Many have said I have grown up. I realized this too. Happy-nyer.

Something Extra:
I felt extremely lonely tonight. I just don’t know why. Maybe because “you” are no where to be contacted? Very often you would leave me with heaps of question marks after the phone calls. It makes me longing to know about you even more. Gosh, this sort of feeling is eating me up. Perhaps you shouldn’t have walk up to me and said “Hi” twice even though I turned you down both times.

Hidden

Random thoughts. Mixed up feelings. Felt lost literally. At some moment where I wished you are still mine but still you the one I'll blame for taking away all my fairy tales.

-The Expired Valentine's Pic Update-

I cooked all these. The fruit platter is all plastic. Baby Hamster purposely put that there so it may appeared nicer. He also bought white wine but I don't really favor it and he finished the whole bottle himself. :)

Baby Hamster and my effort! The meal is accepting as the standard are ways beyond my expectation. I CAN COOK! (Whoa to myself!) The marinated grilled lamb chop is my mum's own recipe, as for the spaghetti, I seek advice from my aunt. It helps cut a lot of cost for dining on Valentine's Day. Priceless attemption and I love the feelings but I hated the cleaning part. :(

My Valentine's Gift. Baby Hamster got them all from Penang.

Close-Up on my received flowers. First time receiving fake flowers and it's pretty awesome... At last, I need not to be so heart wrenching that this bouquet of flowers would dried up and dusted in my room.

Close-Up on the Valentine's gift: A love shape pendant with necklace.

I "heart" this alot.

Lastly, a pic of us together on Valentine's.

-Expired Christmas Update-

Dinner at Indulgence. We didn't do any booking months ahead like the others but Chee (Baby's Colleague) invited us along, so we together-gether celebrate lor. This is my second time dining in Indulgence. My virgin try was my 21st birthday. The food was okay but the price damn not okay! But then can't complain much also as I'm not the one clearing the pricey bills. After dinner, we went sing K at ebox. After ebox, we went y2k. Nothing really special. The real meaning of Christmas seems fading. I just celebrated a very-much-pointless-Xmas, so it's not special at all.

My head is BIG...argh!


Merry Christmas


Stupid Background


Damn bodo this two- Baby and Chee


Princess Wannabe

Love vs. Love

Some may have thought this blog was dead. Nope. It is still alive, just that I was too lazy to do updates. Ever since I go jobless, I have endured almost 4 periodical months of dramas. Special dates like Christmas and Valentines’ were very muchly and deeply in love modes. As for Chinese New Year, it was the most catastrophic occasion for my entire life. Baby Hamster was so disappointing and accusing. I could and would never forget for what had happened and what I did to myself in order to obtain faith. I would label that phenomenon as destructive mode. Somehow, the broken pieces were patched back but the scar residues. What left is love; hence we made it to the next pace and stronger we emerged. Be it bad or good, I have really gained a lot.

God's Special Delivery

Went to Post Office Malaysia today to get my special delivery from my wacko friend, Bel. She sent it two weeks ago but it failed to reach me. I assumed either they might have get the wrong add or nobody was at home when the postmen made the delivery. Never mind. The winding up is I got it already. The package is purple in color. Was superbly happy unwrapping the package because I plain love surprises. Hah! She jam-packed everything in a shoe box and she even wrote something on the box.








Carmen,

Just so you won’t be disappointed when you open this box: NO, Carmen, I didn’t get you a $100 pair of shoes which is size 5, brown, despite what the box says. Hope you like what’s inside tho! Sorry it’s so very late!

Signed by Bel


I had a good laugh reading that. She got my angklets fixed as a final point. She may have done so for a year and a half ago. Hehehe. Then my birthday and Christmas present for this year. I received a red-color bag and 9 condoms with 4 sachets of water-based lubricant and the flavor ranges from vanilla, chocolate, apple and my all-time-fav, STRAWBERRY. She even made me a Christmas card with emotive writings. Yes, I am so truly touched! She's the most miraculous friend a.k.a buddy that one could ask for especially in a place like my college, LUCT, despite her too overly artsy fartsy sense and taste. At times, she's like God's special delivery to me. Nowhere to be found...





Thank You So Much, Bel!

Nothing comes free

Didn’t manage to shop manically during my trip to KL as my auntie would be bugging me to death by dropping me heaps of questions… This nice ar? That one now latest fashion hor? Females in KL usually dress up how eh? You think this suit me mou?...On and on till I almost feel like cutting my ears off. Total noise pollution. However, I really need to put up with her as all the expenses are well-sponsored by her and my uncle. So the 3 days 2 nights trip in KL, I only manage to get two tops from MNG and a pair of shorts from Esprit. My uncle and auntie paid all. There's nothing such as free lunch in this world. What some more breakfasts, dinners and suppers that I have chucked dowm to my stomach? I had too many free meals in KL thus I need to repay them by entertaining my superly long-winded auntie. Hehehe. Btw, I did fork out one hundred something in getting my baby Hamster a shirt from Esprit thou.

Taken in LV, Starhill with cousin bro, Juin.


Gucci, KLCC.


a)Hotel Room. Waiting for my turn for shower


b)Still waiting for my turn for shower


Me and the Gigantic Christmas Tree in KLCC

Drop Dead at Teluk Intan

Am blogging my night away at Teluk Intan Inferno cyber cafe now. Accompany baby Hamster to do his card sales there. There isn't any entertainment here at all and the biggest/most happening shopping centres they have here are like Fajar and Billion ONLY. I wonder how people here got to survive. I need civilization. Hamster and I headed down to Langkap today to do blitz (shop to shop) because card users in Teluk Intan almost all "sapu" by others edi. Asking them to apply for cards is like pushing them down to hell. GERAM.

Any-the-way, I was in KL last week with my second uncle and his wife and also my cousin bro, Juin. Had a so-so trip nia. Going to blog about it and upload some pics too when I am back to Ipoh tomorrow night. *hopefully*

Ciao.

Jobless AGAIN

Carlsberg task has been accomplished a week ago. 9 working days out of 3 weeks and only for 4 hours long duration to obtain RM720 is definitely easy money. All I need to do is look around for people who drink Carlsberg and give them lighters as per bucket count then explain about the CLL, Carlsberg re-branding promotion. Ipoh team was supervised by Hamster. I pestered him to work with me. Can earn and can look after me at the same time. How GOOD? Hehe. However, we did argue badly on the first week of job. Things then only get better. Realized this blog is tad bit empty so uploaded some pics taken during Carlsberg event. Btw, i'm jobless again. Turned down Skol Beer for some reasons.

Carlsberg Nite Out







ps: All pics taken in my car. Was lazing during working time, so can't be too revealing taking pics around public area. Hehe.

I left HELL for HEAVEN.

I am so phucking retard that I actually ramp into my dad’s car while reversing mine.
Apparently, I'm jobless for more than a week already. I was supposedly to be superbly blissful that I have left that phuck-up-company-that-HELL-seems-alike but thinking of the cash I need to fork out to get my dad’s car repaired…My mood submerged to the bottomless end.

Accepted two events jobs. One is Carlsberg, another is Skol Beer. Family is extremely upset that I actually going to be a “Beer Girl” for two months. But hey, the cash term is damn tempting and I only work 3 days in a week. All I want is only money. MONEY. Get me? At first, I was pestered by Audrey Ng (rival that becomes friend) to join ICCC’s Calendar Girl. 12 contestants will be selected and their pics will be input into ICCC’s 2007 calendar. RM500 plus freebies don’t seem to harm my emotional and physical needs. So I pestered Karie and ChoyLing to go with me. Karie and I managed to get into final but no such luck for ChoyLing. This whole calendar thingy is so damn unfair. Ugly girls managed to enter final as well just because they brought their whole family to the function and make them pay rm35 per person to qualify for a vote slip. So no point continuing also. Hamster was tremendously upset and thwarted that I joined this sorta thing. Maybe his ex was there as well. Hence I decided to quit from final. Yup. I gave up. RM500 just vanished into thin air. No, I am not sad. Perhaps I love Hamster more than putting my face into a calendar. Hehehe.

Got Hamster a gold ring with my name “Carmen_U” engraved on it as soon as I got my paid from the LG Mobile event. Just have some sort of calling to myself to treat and love him better. I wanted to treasure this man. He may not be The One but I hope he could be The One because I am tired to searching for Mr.Right and I am tired of starting all over again after in the midst of completing the love puzzle. I sense that I am falling deeply in love with Hamster.

Simplified Updates

This blog is so dead. Hasn’t been doing much update since don’t-even-remember-when-it-was-although-the-last-entry-is-stated-clear. See! My brain is as dead as this blog. Any-the-way, think I should get most of my stuff updates in a simplified version.

1. Wyman and I is already a past tense.

2. Skeet and I is the present tense now. (I have yet confirm for the future tense)

3. My 21 bday was marvelous.

4. I nicknamed Skeet, Hamster.

5. I landed in a stupid company as a designer ever since I quit HSBC.

6. I got a car. Myvi.

7. I thought working back in the field I studied would be stress-less compared in doing sales for banking products but I was wrong. Phucking wrong!

8. I have 3 bosses in that stupid company. There are two female bosses who are phucking retards and I am completely wasting my time and talents there. What some more my job requires me to be the office-cleaner, chauffeur, photographer, admin executive, entertainer cum newspaper reader. I hated this job and I hated my female bosses to the max. Stupid psychotic retard bitches!

9. I have no choice but to stay in that company because I need money to pay for my car installments, petrol, services, phone bills, daily expenses, etc.

10. Planning for a job change. Working on it now.

11. Fang took off to UK edi. 3 years duration to complete his degree there. Am expecting loads and loads of designers’ brand from him. *Evil laughs echo-ing…*

12. I spent almost RM1k for Hamster’s 21 bday. Got him a Fossil digital watch, a green tee and knee-long pants from Seed, a collared shirt from Topman, a working shirt from G2000, a blue tee from CK & Jeans, two ties from Topman, a tie from Casserini (very ciplak), two pairs of socks and a boxer from Renoma, Gillette shaving gel, Nivea after-shave balm, cotton buds and loofah. Designed him a lovey-dovey card and another birthday card, which I cursed him to die because he angered me.

13. I’m learning to bake cakes and pizza to “ampu” my Hamster so he would be touched and buy me a new phone as my nokia 3650 is dying.

14. My first attempt in making pizza works. According to Hamster, he is a happy man.

15. Hamster sup out one of his credit card for me. A mistake for him and a bonus for me!


OoOoOoOo…I am so done.

My unforgetable "21st"

31 May 2006
Wyman is a past and I no longer hold any hope that we’ll be back together. It was hurtful to let him go but it was even more hurtful if I didn’t do so. I can’t forget what he had done to me when he wanted to break and coming back to me pretended as if nothing has happened in between. I am selfish. So what? Sue me-lah! I just want to chase for my happiness and now I don’t see it in Wyman anymore so there is no point pushing myself to love someone who only cares for himself. Maybe it’s not this way but he gave me such feelings.

I just welcome in Skeet into my broken life. Life has not been this gratifying I would say. Just imagine accepting someone new and adapting to a whole new relationship after being hurt tremendously by my previous own boyfriend who I love so much. It takes a lot from everything for me to accept anyone new especially Skeet. Not because he is not good enough but the fear of downfall and all the hurts caused by the previous relationship. We have known each other since we were 12 and yet we hardly made it to the good friends stage. “Life is predictably unpredictable”. From our nine years of hi and bye friendship to what we are now has made this phrase a fact. I have never envisaged that we could or even would be together and I guess he is thinking and feeling the same as I do. Am glad I have made the decision. A right decision though. A path to happiness, I assumed. Call me heartless for being able to hop into a relationship so fast but I do feel really contented being with him. After all love is very simple, so don’t complicate it. If both happy and comfortable with each other, that matters most.

This year I had the most vague birthday ever. I was still holding some feelings for Wyman and hoping he’ll be back to celebrate with me though I never had my birthday wonderfully celebrated together with him. It’s more like a final wish to see this happen. On the other hand, I wanted so much Skeet to feed me surprises as he always does so. Human is meant to be greedy at times. Any-the-way, Wyman was back from Johor to see me but he saw Skeet’s car was in my house. The story continues..bla bla bla..and on this day itself, Wyman and I had finally call it over. No turning back. No friends after break ups. Completely ending everything.

Skeet did give me a breathtaking birthday. He gave me a bouquet of sunflowers (My first time receiving flowers from him was also sunflower), a diamond ring, a dinner treat to Indulgence with my best friend, YinTheng and Fang, chocolate banana cake from Secret Recipe and etc. Thanks Skeet for treating me like a princess and making me to fall in love again. Gosh, I love this feeling…and I started to love this guy even more…

The Tragic

William Lee Chien Loon. An old friend who I often meet but seldom talk and soon after I left for KL, we have then gradually lost contact. However, two days ago I managed to bump back into him with his girlfriend in Jusco. Am very delighted to see him there and very naturally we exchanged phone number finding forward for a tea session in the future but I guess God has not allowed this to happen so. Yesterday night, I received a sms from his cell phone claiming that he has passed away and I just replied the sms with a sentence, “Stupid Joke”. Never crosses my mind that the sms is a real fact and he has just left without a word.

Went to General Hospital forensic department today, couldn’t help myself but joined in the crowd crying helplessly. His cause of death is heart failure and I was told he was having his meal and within a split of second, he collapsed and passed away just like that. He is only 26 or perhaps 27. Isn’t life span for him is a little bit too short? Saw his girlfriend there losing herself out and hugging me. It pierced through my heart to witness such a thing. His death has made me treasure life even more especially the people around me. William has laid down a lesson to me…The quality of life. I’ll surely miss him and the long chat we had in front of the phone counter.

Ps: William, I do thank God for the coincidence luck in bumping into each other. Though time and fate has restrained and limited us from expanding the friendship growth but there isn’t a doubt that you will be deeply missed by everyone.

I must have learned to love myself.

Life is predictably unpredictable. Wyman came back for me. I really don’t know how to deal with my feelings anymore. Perhaps in my whole entire life, I held my own confidence too high above and when he uttered the word “break”, I collapsed completely having the feeling of an enormous fall. A total loss to everything been owned and given to me. As I begin to patch up my tormented life, he came back. He assumes we could be back together just like last time. He assumes that the hurtful break off has never happened. He assumes that my hurts has all been cured. All his assumptions did not grant me an assurance anymore. An assurance that I am going to take him back and pretend things will be at its moderate mode. Yes, we are back together but something is missed in betweens. The deep hole inside my heart. The wound that has caused so much pain.

If Keet wouldn’t have interfered into my life, I have no doubts and confusions at all into accepting Wyman back. No one has any idea how painful was I during the breaking off moment. Friends and close buddies did a lot to try to cheer me up and I do really appreciate them with the things they offered me. Time especially. Days and nights keeping me accompany, making sure that I am doing alright. Thanks so much peeps for everything. However in all of all, Keet has took up the extra mile in taking care of my feelings. He’s always just a phone call away. I like the way he cares for me and allowing me to be myself. The Teluk Batik trip was indeed a comforting sensation. Apart from the crying and shouting in the car, I enjoyed the loosen-up sense on the beach. Even the second time I went with him, my sense remain as loose as it may allow but with a little thing in extra. This extra little thing is so dangling with multiplicity of feelings. I may have a little feel or more for Keet. Is him just a bounce back or what? I can’t answer myself this.

At this moment, I just want things to go naturally. No point pushing myself towards the wall and not allocating myself to breathe.

I miss you

It’s not “her existence” but “my attitude” has made the whole relationship sank. He made a decision and that was to break with me. I have been crying everyday and each day I met him I wouldn’t let myself from not kneeling down before him and begging him to stay. From this point, I know he’s everything to me. Done many silly things to keep myself feeling better. Hurting myself was a total fun. The wound added pain into my struggles and yet I even felt better this way. I can’t accept the fact where he wanted to leave and step out from my life. Tears have been washing down my face every single second. I hate going through the pain which I am going through now. Tell you what, it is even more painful when you know the person who cares and loves you the most doesn’t love or care for you anymore. I am not her baby princess anymore. No more sweet talks, no more gushy mushy lovey dovey touchings, no more sharing ups and downs anymore and completely nothing. I miss him and I miss our 4 years of togetherness.

Phucking DISTURBED

At this very second I am feeling so confuse, hurt, miserable, disappointed, loveless, or just anything that may go against the source of happiness found in lives. I hated myself as much as I hated the whole relationship with him. I really hope one day for me to consume the courage of letting go entirely without leaving a trace of a thing or feeling for the relationship. I am tired with everything about him especially when it comes to "her existence". My self-esteem have been sinking into the bottomless end. I know he would say that I am thinking too much of the unnecessities but I would blame him for not making me to feel right about how he handle our relationship. I am just feeling absolute not right. Felt like crying but failed to do so. Perhaps I have already cried too much the nights before. Fuck. I am so lost now. If I am feeling this bad about him and the relationship we have, why am I still holding on and unwillingly to let go of everything? Why love has to be this hurting and tormenting? Can't be it a simpler one where usually every story/fairytale has a happy ending?

Resurrected and DIE AGAIN.

This blog entry will not be long as I am blogging in Imax not home. Truckloads of stuff to write about but then it has been piled up too much. Plus home pc already "passed away" and I lazy to set up my MAC for manual streamy connection. Well, graduated already. Doing nothing at the moment. However, next Monday going ti attend a job at hsbc bank for direct sales. I know it is not my field at all. But I learned that's the only way to keep my life going with cash to spend. Ish...I miss lotsa stuff about KL when I am back to Ipoh...

1. My college mates-> Last day of it I only realized the heaviness of leaving college and leaving those mates that i rarely talk to or even mixed with and yet, I missed them heaps.

2. My Puchong home-> Though it is located at the lousiest area of the entire world and equipped with NON-ENTERTAINMENT stuff at all but the emptiness of it make me think and work. All my contribution on finished design work was done in the living room from night till morning (with the internet connection-lah). I really missed the "me" back then.

3. Bel-> One hell buddy found in college.

4. Shopping complexes-> Ipoh's ones fail to satisfy me!

5. Lecturers-> They have been my guiding lights and never fail to aspire me to become a better me though I dislike few of them. I am truly motivated by their critics!

6. My design world-> Not like I am hiding from this field but in Ipoh, I hardly find any motivation to do any design work. Sometimes I do ask myself whether which world that I belong to. ARTS or SIMPLE LIFE? I can't answer that, maybe not now.

7. .............................................

8. .............................................

I could just go on with the list. I don't wish to just say all about it and do nothing. Maybe after a long rest, I will need to really focus on what i really want in life. One thing for sure right now is I wouldn't be able to blog so often like i used to be..Sad...