Phucking DISTURBED

At this very second I am feeling so confuse, hurt, miserable, disappointed, loveless, or just anything that may go against the source of happiness found in lives. I hated myself as much as I hated the whole relationship with him. I really hope one day for me to consume the courage of letting go entirely without leaving a trace of a thing or feeling for the relationship. I am tired with everything about him especially when it comes to "her existence". My self-esteem have been sinking into the bottomless end. I know he would say that I am thinking too much of the unnecessities but I would blame him for not making me to feel right about how he handle our relationship. I am just feeling absolute not right. Felt like crying but failed to do so. Perhaps I have already cried too much the nights before. Fuck. I am so lost now. If I am feeling this bad about him and the relationship we have, why am I still holding on and unwillingly to let go of everything? Why love has to be this hurting and tormenting? Can't be it a simpler one where usually every story/fairytale has a happy ending?