One spoon of sugar, a bucket full of faeces

Had my appraisal yesterday and I really felt not being much appreciated. I can’t say that I have fully committed myself to the assigned tasks but I can rest assured to the team I had assisted as much as I could and colleagues have their eyes witnessing my capability and acknowledging my responsibility. It is time to move out from my comfort zone and to look something more worthwhile doing. At the mean time, I must not quit blindly without securing myself with a better job. 

Just called up AirAsia to resend the flight itinerary and I can proudly announce, “I am going to HongKong again!” I have missed it last year with the gone RM1.3k flight money and I am so going to confirm myself to have double up the fun I may have let passed. I wanted to thank this person whole heartedly on his generosity for the amusing trip I am going to have. I know it is going to be a great vacation. Thank you so much.

He called. The used to be my almost everything and still is somebody to me, the ex-boyfriend called. I am getting back my iPhone. And I even saw his ex coming to the center today for payment. I feel nothing. Well, at least it is a good start that things concerning about him don’t really poke my heart and caused the aching anymore or perhaps, my heart is smashed. Heart beat gone jor lu…One month in exact that he has called it a quit, one month of silence- How long more do I have to remind myself that I am single now. I dream a lot about us and the worst part is I don’t wish to wake up and face the reality in the very next morning. I hate the emptiness.

Waking up & Digesting the ugly truth

This time going down to KL, traveling in the same old “Plusliner” bus…the feelings and thoughts are different already. The happy weekends I had for the past 9 months has finally taken its toll. I am being picked up from the bus station by another person, no more the guy I truly in love with, waiting in his car waiting for my arrival.

My current EX-boyfriend (I still have problems telling people he is already my past tense) is not returning my stuff back to me and I really wanted to get back my smelly pillow so much. So I made arrangement with his colleague to get back stuff that belongs to me. Which so I did, meeting his ex colleague the next morning. I so wanted to cry again when I threw a question to his colleague upon returning those stuff…”Why…Why things has ended this way?” I know answers could be shitty and I don’t need those reasons anymore. The replies could be, “Hey, life still goes on…I’m just an outsider…blah blah blah”. This is so predictable.

I didn’t get back my iPhone. I wanted to be generous enough to just give him that damn phone but I can’t. The iPhone purchase is tight with 24 months of contract which my paid is still being deducted monthly until July 2011. If I planned to quit work, I need to fork out another RM500 and the remaining balance of the pay deduction back to my company. It’s a great amount of cash. Being generous and being stupid is just a matter of one’s perspective. Let’s say if something bad has happened to me, be it real will this ex boyfriend come to the rescue and lend a helping hand…I can now tell everyone firmly, he won’t. I seek the truth myself and the truth hurts deeply.

By how much I had loved this man and by how much I am still in love with this man, I know there is only one word I could tell myself. STOP BEING SO NAÏVE.

It is time to wake up and look at the things around myself clearly. No matter how you had tortured yourself, playing with your life with wrist cutting, skipping meals, being an alcoholic, smoking, etc. He has decided to leave and so he has left. Yes, I hated my ignorance towards his advice, I hated the tempers and tantrums I put on him when he wanted to make our distance relationship so much, I hated myself so so so much for allowing myself to have love him whole heartedly. I know love knows no right or wrong, love is also not a donation. I can't possibly force him to take me back and we will work things out. I don't know. I am just at crossroad once again. All alone. :(

One of the many.

Yesterday night supposedly to stay at home as a trial period for myself to break free from alcohol but it did not succeed. I have been going out so relentlessly after the break up. I am as if ruining myself with the massive alcohol consumption and being so restless all the time but I just don’t understand myself why am I still continuously doing all these.
I wanted badly someone to understand me wholly and to be there to ease the aching heart but I am not even helping myself at all.

Looking on the bright side, I get to know that even without a boyfriend, a person who used to suck up all his time trying to be there for me and listen to my ranting patiently, I still have a few of the many that care for me generously. I know there are people who really care and wanted me to be good. I can’t utter more about how is life treating me, it’s like I lost someone I really love but I gained many who are loving me more than I do to myself. I can’t even be bothered if those who are treating me good have any hidden intentions, or perhaps they are just genuinely showing me the friendship values. Gawd, I think it is time to build up the tampered trust again.

Oh, have I not mentioned how I almost got into an awry conversation with my boss yesterday? I have not been a calculative person who assist doing stuff he wanted me to do all this while even without given any credits. All I ask for is just to de-allocate me from the express counter. In the midst of our conversation, I just lost it. I voice out all my dissatisfactions to him and even right now, I am not sure if he truly understands or not. I really hate the center management now, it is havoc and I am planning to move out from Ipoh. However, due to my heavy commitments, I need serious contemplative planning before jumping into conclusion.

Conscious yet confused. This is life.

I do not question myself anymore if I will ever find a guy like him @ my babyboy. I had laughed myself silly for putting up so much of effort in making the relationship surpass the impossibles, having the thought we will never ever be apart. But the fact is he has given up on me, completely walked out from my life without any hesitation. I don’t think anyone can understand how painful my heart is every now and then. I can really feel my heart is aching every single time I recalled back the sweet memories we shared.

Encountered things which I have never done before in these few days. Allow things to happen without much rejections and those things gave me adrenaline rush …With all of these, I am no longer sure if I am in ruins or not. I realized I am changing. My very own self doesn’t even understand myself anymore. I know I should get up at where I fell down and not falling deeper into the hole but I am not helping myself at all. Being on and off the track, I am totally confused.

Many many times, I long for someone to be by my side. Just hugging me and give me a sense of security. I don’t like the current me which has been deserted. I wanted to feel safe in the arms of the people I can confide in and able to trust in, but finding those people is like searching for a needle in the wide ocean. Perhaps, I should stop looking for them but let them find me. Very well said, huh?

What I am happy is, I don’t simply jump into any relationship like I used to. I don’t rush myself to be in a relationship…nor am I seeing anyone new right after the break up although I desperately need someone to be there for me 24/7. I am doing better day by day.

Moving On.

Enough of the two tormenting weeks which I have found myself stuck within. I learned the ugly truth about my ex boyfriend who used to be that someone who's particular there for me 24/7 even though he's not with me physically. He made me feel like shit every now and then up to the coming years. The worst and scariest girlfriend that one could look up for, he has lost his sight on how I tried to sacrifice myself to keep the relationship going. He has let go something special, something we will never have again.

I have been drinking every single day after the break up and at times, I don't even want to go home and keep loitering around the streets being driven around. I think I have cried enough and said enough about the whole break up. I am turning into someone I hardly know because I just don't know what to do and what I want or need in my life- ANYMORE.

There are good people and bad people everywhere. I met most are good people but I'm being really ignorant to them, as for the bad people...It seems like I am more like playing mind games with them and I am always at the losing side. It feel like years to go through day by day being unprotected and left alone.

Day Fourteen

If I weren't to text you telling you I have accepted your decision to break with me then today will be day that you promised to call and for us to talk. I know it and you know it even better that its not going to be a talk. Its a finalization to what we used to have and shared be sealed completely. I was hoping so much for a turn back and what I am enduring is unreal.

I lost count how many times I tried texting you but in the end, my fear brought me to delete those messages before managed to touch on the tab 'send' as I don't want to risk being disappointed when you are not replying. I have been always wondering days and nights, how are things going on your side. I remember you clearly, the wake up calls and your text messages. We used to have those msn webcam
conversations, dirty talks and jokes we laughed about. They are all gone. I am swallowing hard each day to learn the fact, you have left me. You really hurt me deeply inside as I may had hurt you too until you decided to leave.

I dreamt of you last night. Its not something sweet to dream about, you were treating me so cold. You didn't even give me a chance for me to get close to you. Woke up feeling lost again and my cheeks were wet then I realized, I weeped. As always I'm such a crybaby. The most difficult part is to accept that the dream...its happening in real life too as in this very moment.

Day Thirteen

I must find a way to get you off my mind and out from my life. I feel aimless about my life since the day you went away. I fcukingly miss you and dying to meet you. I am getting more and more tired. With everything around...

Day Twelve

How can you be that cruel to me? Am i not your babygirl anymore? I can't control myself that i text-ed you telling you how much i miss you. I am god damn stupid, i know it well you will never reply for you have shut me off from ur life. I still missing you like always. I miss the kisses and the hugs... I need you.

Day Eleven

I am not alright. I wanted to call you and text you just like before, but I am so afraid that you will just ignore me. I wanted to cry out loud but tears are all dried up. I am losing directions in life, am not even coping well with the fact that, we are so done. You are so done about me.

We were strangers then became lovers and now we are back to the old form again. Just that this time, it is even far worse being strangers. It's eating me up. The whole break up is driving me nuts. I pretended to be alright. Go out and have fun- try not to be alone and have some good flirts. Very much often, I got home drunk and all the emo shit starts again. It just won't go away for the time-being. The only problem is... you just won't care anymore because you no longer wanted to. I am all ruins. I do not know if I should hate you or thank you now.

I don't deserve you. I don't deserve anyone.

Day Ten

It is an on off thingy that I feel dreadfully lost at one moment and alright the next moment. Everyone around me...has been really supporting. Texting me in the mornings trying for a little while to be "you". I know in a long run, I am just too depending on those individuals to get over you which I don't want to. I have a peep on your fb profile pic. You have changed your photo... I have funny feelings and it is really unhealthy to keep on checking on you when I have already removed you from fb.

I don't put hopes on us anymore. I don't want to. I regretted a lot. In the sense of I have never been more understanding towards your job and have been throwing tantrums on you repeatedly without even caring for your feelings. As we have parted, I slowly to realize things which have been blinded by my ignorance. I have seen heaps of things around me in a whole new different perspectives now and I come to think, the break up isn't a bad thing either. It is a lesson in life... A lesson which I will truly cherished every bits of it. Those moments we have endured can't be traded in by anything. Those memories we shared...will be everything to me.

As days to come, I wish I can really let go of you completely. It is silly that if I were to tell others I am alright at this very second which I am not truly. As it heals, it will continues to hurt too...I must get rid of my drinking habit I picked up lately first. Feels tiring.

Day Nine

I'm back home. I tried escaping from reality but I know I cant hide from it and I can't lie to myself anymore that you are gone. It is not like you are dead but close to it, you will no longer be the one I called up once things got messed up at my end, you won't be the one I would confide in whenever my minds are troubled. You will no longer be the one for my everything simply because of you no longer wanted to be the one anymore.

I struggled today and cried a little. However, I only allowed myself to be upset about you for an hour which I succeeded in doing it. I saw your best friend online and he tried talking to me about us. How wrong at the very first place we were together, how I hurt you in the past and how you felt so hopeless about me being the one for you. It is a little bit late to realize about them but it is good. I can't manage to get the answers from you but through him, I have understood. It is just that I can never ever imagine you can leave me just like that. I will not be passing blames anymore or at least, I will try.

Day Eight

I was away to Thailand @ Hadyai to get over you for a moment. It is not helping at all like I mentioned in my previous post. In fact, I miss you even more. I was hoping and looking forward so much to our trip this year but it was all shattered. I also could remember when you mentioned that we could still go as "fcuk buddies" but we both know, we won't able to cope with that term. Even now, you still reluctant to talk or to keep in touch with me, which I found out it is a good thing. I won't give any hopes on us anymore.

It hurts a little when I saw you online in MSN just now and after I texting you, you went offline straight off without a reply. Am I that scary to you? I was wondering-lah. Maybe you are really scared and I blamed myself for that. However, no worries...At least things aren't as bad as the first few days. I am eating and sleeping already.

Day Seven

Being in a foreign place, apart from Malaysia...thought could help me to forget you for a moment. But was wrong about it, so wrong. Our bangkok trip can never happen again, we missed it last year and we are going to skip it this year too. Am wondering what is playing in your mind. It has been a week we have parted, do you struggle as much as i do to let go of us or you have actually found one to take over my place already hence you don't feel as painful as i am now?

Or you still love your ex dearly and i am only just a bounceback? So many unwanted rubbish keep floating in my mind... I seem to lose my direction in life and it will still continuously to bleed as time ticks... I was told very soon, i will be forgotten by you completely. I cried listening to that, our moments are so shortlived. You have been the best boyfriend that anyone could asked for and i have just lost you. :(

How i wish that you are still around as my pillar of strength, my best friend to confide in and being my everything like you have always do...








- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day Six

Both has comprehend things has ended in a way, reason given is you can't handle me anymore. I have been pushing you too much and not allowing you to breathe at your own space at all. I was hoping for a chance to tell you I wanted to try to work things out but you have been so firmed with your decision. I felt so unfair for things at my side. I felt being trashed and left alone. You were not like this before. I missed you. But...love is never fair and you can't rationalize love completely like how I lost my sanity when you wanted to break with me.

Ignoring my calls and SMS. It was such a painful experience. Hence I realized, things have come to the bottomless pit and I must learn to let go of you, mybabyboy...the flashback of memories from how we got to know each other to how we got attached and to how we argued and how we patched back together to now...where we stand. You are being so cold to me. It hurts badly.

I have then decided quickly to forget about the fourteen days of cooling period. It is not helping at all when you have already given up. Love quote: You can have a million reasons to leave when you can't find a reason to stay. Removing you from facebook and cancelling off our relationship status can be hurting like hell. Deleting our pictures also hold tons of courage and deep thoughts. But what done is done. You have left me just when I needed you so.

Day Five

Thinking about you making me go nuts. I text you and there is still no reply from you and we have not been talking or keeping touch at all for 5 days. It seems within this period of time, I am so certain with the decision you have made.

I'm hungry but I have no appetite to eat, I'm tired but I can't put myself to sleep. Waking up in the middle of night, I cried myself to sleep again. The feelings damn shitty one. I can still feel the pain now even I am blogging at the moment. I am re-adapting a new life now. A new life without you being part of it. Regretted with numerous of silly actions I may had done when we were still in a relationship but since you decided to end it without a second thought and a second chance given, there is nothing I can do completely.

Still accepting this reality slowly and painfully. But you will never care. On Day One, I still have strong feelings you are there but as the days pass by, those feelings was getting more and more tormenting and signs are everywhere...that you have dumped me on christmas.