Early Christmas Wishes

"Painfully slogged through a hurtful Christmas last year and yet again, another Christmas is approaching near. I do ponder if Santa would compensate me with better things / happier moments for this year Christmas or not..."

This was my fb post status prolly two weeks back. Never in any one-second-thought that I ever wanted to go through that phase again. A truly deeply heart wrenching moment, what a gift of love for my previous Christmas from the ex-boyfriend! So this year, instead of making wishes to get compensation for my Christmas gifts, I actually put myself in a spirit of giving instead of receiving. Less expectation, less disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I still love good surprises and don't mind at all if myRichard wanted to shower me with branded handbags, diamond ring, cash, etc. However, just the other very night I showed him a Gucci tote bag online, immediately he closed my whole internet explorer. How mean!

But the surprise I got for him as Christmas gift has finally arrives today. Can't wait to get it nicely wrapped up and give it to him on Christmas eve. I am so freaking broke for the months to come but I think...at this moment, he truly worths all these. :)

myRichard + me @ Taipei

Intense sorts of feeling was oozing out and drive me to blog today. There was a system glitch at work today; hence all my tasks are delayed and I guess that’s when the oozie feeling to blog pushes in.

Been a month after the Taipei trip with myRichard, the overall trip is partially alright only. Why? We can’t do much or travel to outdoor places as it was raining almost every single day there. Despite the doomed weather, I still spent awesome moments sticking to my boyfriend under the polka dots umbrella he stole from others. Hehe.

Out of the ordinary thing to do there is watching movies because tickets are so overpriced compared to Malaysia. But we went and watched anyway because we were too bored. LOL. We didn’t even club there and we don’t even know why…I guess our cash were mostly spent on food. We paid a visit to Hello Kitty Sweets for high tea, the overall ambience is so “Hello Kitty” and I am not really a big fan of it but it is one cool experience because Malaysia has none. Hehe…And the most scrumptious dinner ever I had in Taipei was the “Mala Hotpot” because they serve generous amount of good stuff, Haagen Dazs ice cream especially. Other than that, everything just seems down rated. Somehow, things there don’t really amuse me as much as Hong Kong does.
But but but, I still heart it heaps to go on a vacation with my loved one. :)


Hello Kitty Sweets~


MALA Hotpot at XiMenDing.


Nice movie with touching plots.


70 plus ringgit spent for wifi purpose. LOL. Anyway, I do heart "Haagen Dazs heaps.


Beer there is so cheap! Unbelievable eh...


Stuff that we bought. I overwritten him. Hahaha...

I love you baby!

There are times where i will miss my ex tremendously, from the ways they love me or the ways they care for me... But i must always remember the ways how they tend to hurt me... Or else i won't find you in my arms and to experience what love is all about. Baby... Thanks for dropping by and to offer what others can't tend to give.

I love you so so so much...







I really wish we could proceed to the next step... To simply love you with what I have....

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A little bit of this and a little bit of that

It's sad when someone you know, becomes someone you knew. When you can walk right past someone like they were a never big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk to them forever, but now you can barely even look at them. –copied from my facebook shout out.

KF and Ray (KF’s cousin) came to center last week to purchase iPhone4 and I made arrangement so that they did not need to queue up at all for the transaction. Our moment was just Hi and Bye only. My feelings was something like the above phrase that I highlighted in BOLD. I think we don’t bother to keep in touch ever since what happened on my birthday eve. I lost a friend just because we are not destined to be lovers, but I am not regretting also that I have chosen myRichard because that’s what I really wanted.

Any-the-way, my traveling dates are getting closer. I CAN HARDLY WAIT AT ALL. Sorry for the caps, I just wanted to throw out my anticipation for the trip. I guess I am overly excited until I had purchased a digital compact camera. I let go the limited edition T99 Sony cybershot with those encrusted crystal (the one I posted in my previous post entry) and bought Cybershot TX-1. Better features wor. Haha. I know nuts about cameras but as it was highly recommended by the sales person, I don’t see a “no” lor.


my newly bought camera


And my bestie, baby ChoyLing, has finally tied the knot with her beloved husband, Kevin Goh on last Sunday, which in fact, she has already signed the papers somewhere in May this year and the wedding dinner was a later announcement to the public. They are now declared as husband and wife legally and the biggest gift from God is they are expecting for their firstborn very the soonish. Eventually, baby is two months pregnant neh. I can’t wait to teach the little one how to say frog and whatever. I know I am a real bad influence. Hehe.

Travel buddy found~

Travel buddy found.
Flight tickets bought.
Hotel room booked.
Places of Interest are researched.
*All-sponsored trip. Awesome, kan?

I will be intruding into Taipei next month with myRichard. 6 Days/ 5 nights on a foreign land with unknown sapiens. So looking forward into it. 4 more weeks counting down. It is going to be my first trip traveling to oversea with someone known as a boyfriend, wishing it will be a fun and unforgettable vacation together.

Planning to get a compact camera for the trip, my T9 Sony cybershot was nowhere in sight prolly two years back and I don't even bother to get a new one because iPhone is so convenient. Snap and can upload straight away to FB.

I must still get a proper digital camera to snap snap pictures with myRichard for our getaway vacation. Believe it or not, we have not really taken any picture together. The only one also is his buddy's birthday and it is a group pic some more. Am considering into getting the limited edition T99 Sony cybershot again. I was told Canon picture quality for night scene is much better but I am damn attracted to that Sony's camera design.





Very very tempting eh...

You made me sick. You fat bitch.

A friend told me many funny things about myself. She heard from an ex Maxis promoter who shares the same name like I do said that I am a very materialistic person and that bitch has a shock of her life that my current boyfriend drives only a myvi and yet I have started a relationship with him. What is funnier is I turned down my ex, Wyman, when he wanted to court me back with the reason, he is driving a myvi. For fuck’s sake…I am so pissed.

I look into my boyfriend deep into his eyes piercing through his heart to know the fact, I am certainly being the happiest girl on earth to be showered with his love and not his MONEY and within these 3 months I can proudly tell everyone I am indeed a good girlfriend. To him, at least! Not all times lah, but I fcukingly make sure he will have his meal on time every time he is scheduled to be on road shows. I made no complaints to bring dinner for him even though I haven’t had mine. I even try to cook proper dishes for him. So am I doing all these for money’s sake? Bitch, you can suck my toes and lick my anus for all these lies you laid upon me.

So I was putting up a good show for everyone to see that I was being so ridiculously worried when he was sick and can’t reply or pick up my calls and text messages, is it? If I am all up just for money…I definitely won’t be together with my current boyfriend who I called myRichard. I do have a choice or should I say multiple choices…I was in dilemma when I do not know which one I wanted to be with as my options were more than just one...but I know I can’t really compare them with what I got now because myRichard has certainly become a big part of myself and he has definitely made a huge difference in my life now.

So, shut the fuck up bitch. Because you really had rage up my anger with those brainless quotes you made about me. You can go fuck yourself up and burn to death together with those dim-witted brain juices you left there. You can call me ill-tempered but not materialistic. I am just being realistic at times but who does not? That's why I choose my friends wisely. Unlike you who totally can't fit into my friend's list. I hope every lie you said about others would trigger a maggot's bite on your hairy nipple and very soon, your boobies will be damn rotten that they will eventually be seen dangling dettaching from your fat body. Awww...I feel so bad. :( BUT SCREW IT, YOU FAT BITCH. AMEN!

Sweet thoughts

I am having myRichard sleeping right beside me now in a very cozy posture. I realized within a short periodical of a few months, I am totally falling completely in love with this man. He has surpassed everything that every single girl wishes her boyfriend to be. Too early to judge? But everything is so dreamlike being with him.

He has never fails in making me laugh at both of our clumsiness and silly stuff. We are reminded by his friends all the time that the world doesn't only consist me and him. Hehe... But to me, he is already my whole world.

Disconnected

I felt so disconnected with him last night. I was out with friends for dinner and drinks till late night while he stayed home and slept early as he was feeling unwell. I don’t really enjoy my night as I was so distracted being worried about him. Rang him up a few times and left some messages via sms and FB. Wanted to drop by to see if he is doing alright or at least, I feel like giving him a big big hug and a kiss on the forehead but I am stuck and I can’t do anything. Just because I simply do not know where my boyfriend stays. -.-" Yes, I know I am a pathetic girlfriend. Hehehe. Well, at least, this morning when I gave him a morning call…I felt we are re-connected instantly again. :)

He is so yesterday.

Today, I have received a call from an unknown kl fixed line number with an instant question of a man asking, " Can I ask you something?". I replied with much courtesy, "Yeah. But who am I speaking to?" It was sort of a long pause before the man decided to speak. "LAI KOK KEONG".

Well, the most recent ex called. Regarding about the contacts from the iPhone he gave back, that he does not know where to search for the contact list in his hotmail account where Wyman has assisted him to sync. I asked Wyman, Wyman asked me to reply him…We just assist to sync, nothing more. Find out for yourself. Well, that’s what you get when things turned sour.

I won’t deny that I hate him so much to an extent, which I hope he fcukingly so doesn’t exist at all. I don’t want to have a possible moment whereby any of his news is spread to my ears or having the worries bumping into his family members or himself in any places or any unexpected occasions. I wished so much that he can just fcukingly go die right now. I know people say mean things when they are wrapped with fuming anger but actually, they don’t mean what they said. But I do. That awfully painful moment he put me into, those heart wrenching and soul-less haunting days and nights. He has no fcuking idea how bad had the breakup done to me and nobody has an idea how I managed to slog through that excruciating phase including myself. Times when I keep calling, texting and email him hoping so much for a feedback or an answer but it never happen. All I know, everyone around me who wanted me to be good, who tried to bring away those pain from me…went hopeless and clueless till they gave up on me. Recalling back those moments now, I can almost feel an instant stabbing pain right away in my heart.

With the “broken me” he has left behind, certainly he is not irresponsible enough to be called as a man. I know I am not good enough to be considered as his girlfriend and I am not wishing for a fair deal now, but I always believe in karma. What comes around goes around. I didn’t realize too that one simple phone call and text from him can rise up so much of resentment within me. I thought I had and in fact, I have actually learned to let go but what I don't expect is, the overwhelming hatred can be regenerated so quickly within a jiffy.

I wish there are a machine which can erase memories completely like what Raymond Lam has mentioned in the movie, "The Mysteries of Love." Seeing how struggle Tavia Yeung going through the break up, I can almost fall into her cast role and feel it personally as a whole. I tried too much and tried too hard till I found myself the silliest person now to have had love that man whole-heartedly. I know I used to love him alot, much more than anything else and I used blog about him happily...but its all gone. Damn gone. I am so much better off without him. :) Wasted of time and effort, huh? Yeah. Truly a waste.

Is "round" considered a shape?

I managed to finish all my reports and backend task right before 5pm today. Means I get to go home early and have a short nap to prepare myself for tonight’s mind-fcuking session watching Inception. Well, at least, that’s what I was told about the movie. Hehehe. Tomorrow will be my off day as well… Super YAY!

I am so freaking round already. Gained weight drastically- People said when you are in love, you will surely become fat. I must be superbly in love then, because I am so fcuking F.A.T. and round now. I tried to convince myself it’s babyfat but FCUK NO. Everyone around me is throwing me questions, “Why are you so fat edi?” or “What has your boyfriend been feeding you…so fat jor geh?” Damn argh~!!! Heartbreaking like shit wei…because I have not determination to go on diet. :(

Tipsy-ness's words of truth

Am being a lil bit tipsy at the moment being with myRichard and some of his friends watching football match -Uruguay vs Germany- at
Oval de Garden. It has been a month of being together and i am loving every second being attached to him.

He may have flaws, he may have moments where he will lose his temper on certain sensitive issues... But never a second i am feeling he has left me behind. Sometimes, i do question myself in order how to pro-long happiness like what i am having now... But deep down inside, everyone knows clearly we dont and we cant predict future.

I love you, Richard. I really have no idea how to make you stay nor do I know how to keep you with me but I certainly will treasure every moment spent being together with you. Yes, my ex has truly been a jerk where he has betrayed my love and hurt me the most but he is so yesterday now. I have stopped thinking about him ever since you decided to walk into my life. Thanks for being yourself and loving me like there's no tomorrow.

I feel that my life now is so much meaningful than before. :) Muacks... Yes, Mr. Right... Finally you have popped up!

I wanted to trust so badly. that the nightmare has finally ended...

Was reading Orange’s blog just now, it has been quite some time since I last read about her blog. Her latest entry was written about her happiness with her one-month-together boyfriend. By reading that stuff, I almost could feel their contentment at my side as well, it is never easy to feel such love, and those feelings come naturally without any hold back. Looking at myself now, if anyone were to throw me the question, “Will you ever be able to love without holding back after for what had happened in your previous relationship?” I might have a lifetime of doubt answering that.

Simply not because of I have not enough of trust or faith in myRichard or myself, somehow and someway…life is so unpredictable, as always. I did not let go my previous boyfriend, he just walked away like that. Don’t fcuk, don’t care…he left me alone completely without turning back. Ouch. That hurts badly. Because of him, I felt myself at the bottomless pit of my life. I felt I was the worst girlfriend, the worst partner in the whole entire universe. I felt like shit. Many many times, I wished so much that I never had met Babyboy at all in my life; maybe I won’t be so pessimistic-thinking about relationship now. I could be a happier person.

I remembered hugging myRichard crying badly how hurt it was being dumped, being neglected by my ex whom I thought he was my everything. I cried twice for the same issue. But each time, without failed, myRichard will pamper-pamper me back, wiped off my tears, hugging me back and telling me, he is here now and he will never ever walk away like my ex did. He will try his very best to love me with all he has. I wanted to make believe that the nightmares has finally come to an end...but I don't want to have hopes that might be trashed in the end as well. Sigh...

A day of love

My menses cramp almost killed me yesterday. Luckily, myRichard came to the rescue at my workplace with medicine, Starbucks' signature hot chocolate and banana with chocolate chip muffin. It has been the longest time ever I feel so much of love. Thanks dear for all of these. :) xoxo...




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Bu Bu Jiak

After Babyboy has decided to walk out from my life, it took me freaking 5 months to adapt to his gone ness. It is my longest moment of staying single, being lost. There was so many times I just felt like giving love up, embrace into any men’s arms to ease my heartaches, even knowing well they are the wrongs ones. I was too desperate to get over him. I just don’t want to feel being dumped, trashed alone and unwanted. I hate waking up every morning feeling so empty about my life. Yes, I do have 700 over friends in my facebook account and I know all of them personally, everyone must have thought I am a social butterfly and the term “L.O.N.E.L.Y” almost never exist in my dictionary but no one has actually understand my inner self more than myself do. (And I still find it hard to understand myself from time to time)

I was feeling so alone even though I went out almost every single night with different group of guys. Came home tipsy-tipsy, sitting on my bed, hugging on my pillows, looking at the bedroom walls…there it was, the emptiness crept in again. I felt as if I am living with an empty soul. I will start to question myself over and over again, if I may had done so much of wrongs till I deserve to feel this way or perhaps, have I not done enough then that I am being treated this way? For me, getting into a relationship is as easy as ABC…but having someone who loves you dearly and vice versa, you need a cupid to do the all the magic.

I do a bit of reading on my previous posts, how happy I felt about my ex(s) when we first got together and then how we got into disagreement on each other certain dealings, to where we felt giving up on each other and to where we decided to walk out from each other lives, wishing we never have met from the start… How paradoxical, isn’t it? To have thought I had met the right person but found out he’s the most hurtful one in the end just because I have prioritized him too ahead of my everything and I was only an additional option in his life.

Apart from the above sappy post, there is an announcement to be made…I am officially attached again(s).

myRichard,

My life was a slump after my ex has left. Nothing else matters most anymore. Even that God has planted you in my life two years ago and both found each other rather much translucent, you with your life and I’m with mine. But then, out of the extraordinaire, two months ago the cupid has done the nastiest thing ever or maybe the sweetest thing to us, huh? And exactly a week ago, you are mine to hold. I remember your grip that night and it was tight, walking and passing by the people we know, no longer are we in denials about each other existence. We have absolutely made a difference.

I remembered it so well the first time you carried me walking past the dark alley, I almost cried out of joy…because I cannot believe what I felt at that time. I finally have found you, someone whom I have so much of strong feelings. Thank you for the on-going phone calls, sms and mms every 24/7 to keep me accompanied when you are not around. I can’t utter more how lucky am I to have you in my life to care and to protect. To share and to love. Thank you for loving me so much. For providing me so much of yourself. For making believe that you are REAL. Thank you for not making me as your option, but your need.

Bu bu jiak! Hehehe.
XOXO.


I love the stinky pillow you made for me so so so much

Mother's Day Update

Bak Kut Teh with super grandma on Mother's Day early noon. :)



The best grandma in the whole universe except when she is moody, she can be damn dulan but i still need to layan her because she cooks and do laundry for me. I "heart" you heaps, mama!



Damn nolstagic feel, right? My "pik kong", grandfather's elder brother.



My cousie baking cupcakes at home now for Mother's Day. As for my mum, she's still snoring at her own bedroom, as always...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I want to buy a HUSBAND.

Workload is so overwhelming ever since I have been transferred to do admin administrative and reporting tasks on Monday. I am not even sure if this transfer made by boss is considered as an upgrade or a downgrade. What he told me is I will be able to monitor the center as a whole in term of our operational management, etc and it will contribute a lot to career advancement later on. Sounds flattered but actually everyone knows that AA work is a bit too much for any individual and the workload will be never ending one. Sigh. The only thing I can try to comfort myself is, since I will be having long working hours in the office hence I will be able to claim more for OT. 

Birthday is approaching. Will be marking 25 this coming 31st. I am pretty upset actually because I reminisce back a lot on my last year birthday where my ex brought me up to Genting to spend quality time with me on my birthday since we only meet on weekends. Truly enjoyed every second spent with him but that has already been a past tense. I thought too much. Hey, this year birthday should be better lots, right? Gawd, I must keep on convincing myself it will be a better one and when the day comes…maybe I will just find it nothing special at all and somehow, someway, I would even feel that it is just the same like any other ordinary day. Argh. Damn…I wanted to feel special leh! What some more I have taken 3 days off for my birthday and I don’t even have a plan for myself. Ish…The worst part of all is I can feel the pressure of being aging…and my status is still single. Baby Eliza just got engaged two days ago and more or less, I do feel a pinch of pressure jor and it’s bloody unhealthy to have such thought. I want to buy a HUSBAND. Hehehe.

A little surprise

A little surprise at work today With a card attached saying, Just to say Hi Hi...White Color Roses for U...







It is indeed a surprise, just a day before, someone threw me a question... Red or White... and i received a bouquet of white roses at work today. It truly adds a glimpse of excitement and color to my day. Thanks to you-know-who-you-are, i know you might read this post too :)

Besides, i have a date tonight. I have a feeling that it will be a good one... Can't wait for the clock to turn nine!

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Weekend in KL.

It’s going be four months for staying single; I really miss having someone to be there for me 24/7. I don’t mind if we don’t get to meet each other on a daily basis, I just want for someone to care genuinely. To be able to give me a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, and ears to listen…Very well said, right? I used to have all these and I love so much with bits and bits of everything done for me. But I was too greedy back then. I wanted more and more and more. Being ruinously demanding and taken his love for granted. I cared too much but with the wrong actions. Will I be the same towards my new partner in the future coming? I’m trap in fear.

I was in KL for the weekend. I skipped my Hadyai trip because I am broke in many ways and I know the roaming charges that I might engage into will be a big lump sum. To avoid for the stacking-up debts, I have chosen KL then. Another reason also, I wanted to meet up my best friend, Qian Fang. Have a fun outing with him, shopping and walking around; looking for good food, buying nice stuff...He has always been my favorite person on earth. In the late evening, I joined TikMan and Ashley and some other friends for drinking session at TTDI Plaza. 3 pints of Hoegarden has already knocked me off. The night before KL, I was at Lush and Barbeza for drinking too. :p On Sunday night after my KL trip, I went out DRINKING again with Ray and Loke at Shayo and Oval. I dragged baby Eliza’s sister, Jennifer, along. It’s like going back to the alcohol life and yesterday, I have tummy cramps. Luckily I have those left-over medicines to ease my tummy discomfort.


Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. Damn damn damn missing it now...


MingYan, Ashley, Me and TikMan @ Drinking Night at TTDI Plaza there


Qianfang, my most fav person on earth but i always dicth him for some other stuff.


And Grandma is being so cute! She holds my hands when we were doing grocery shopping at Tesco Hypermart last night after family dinner, and I am damn not used to it. :p

In that way, I miss my Grandpa suddenly. My youngest uncle is going to get married next month and now family has gathered more frequently to discuss about the marriage preparations and things certainly will be so much better if Grandpa is still alive.

WEeEeEeEEEEeeeeeee....

“I have written you in my heart, but unfortunately God has not written you in my destiny”.

This is so true. You can’t fight against what doesn’t belong to you. Learned to let go of your grip and eventually, you will be a happier person. I am able to smile now. Without faking it out to others. I found a reason to be happy. Maybe it won’t last me a last time but living in the moment like this now, I am happy without trying at all.

I went for a drink with KF on Monday night. We are friends again. He decided to call back and accept things which I have finalized. I assumed. However, we have another issue now. We realized we can’t really communicate. We don’t share things in common at all. It is getting harder when I don’t seem wanted to share much. I am tired in being a chatter box at all times. Hope things will get better in the coming days. It is also considered a good thing that we don’t meet each other every single day like we used to, at least we can gather more topics to share (hopefully)

I went for a movie, “Date Night” with the conman. Yes, the conman who conned by me to have bought me Baskin Robbins ice cream and Famous Amos cookies. It was so difficult to ask him out- I was treated to eat lemon for TWICE! This time he went and bought tickets instead and I drove out without NRIC and driving license as I left my purse in the office. Damn “big head prawn”.

What to do on your off day?

Basically, I went to work to finish back my unbalanced center closing the night before. Grrr...Do lunchie with my beloved granny, aunt, and cousie and I feel like I am as if going back to the older days which I don’t need to work at all. How I missed the moment. :p


Ang Ang Hailam Mee...I used to eat this at least once every week with granny.

Done a little bit of shopping with my cousie and because of the damn rain that caused difficulty in getting to my car, we went for a movie, “How to train your dragon”. Worth watching! Then I went home with a 3 hours of good sleep because there is already a master plan for the night, which is to club in Club 9 at 11pm.


I wanna watch Shrek! I need a movie partner...

As usual, I was late and I have no luck in looking for a car park nearby. Feel like ciao-ing edi, which suddenly Favian (the guy who asked me out) managed to get a parking for me. I saw him pulling out a few ten ringgit notes and I was like…Hmmmph…Okay! Time to partaaayyyy…But I was rather much quiet that night. Ah Keong, Luis, KhaiMun and Favian were all there with some girls I don’t really know. I used to go out and club with them many many years ago as they were friends to my first ex, Wyman. Luis bought me two small bouquets of lilies from an aunty who approached us at the club… Stunned, of course.

Favian was dead drunk. LOL.


Ah Keong sat on these flowers hence they look cacat-ed.

I know KF has not been feeling well. Two days ago when Ray told me on that, I have an urge to text him to ask if he’s alright but friends around me advised me not to. If I wanted him not to feel hurtful about me anymore, I should stop questioning and stop caring for him. It’s difficult to put a measure of care towards someone. How can you possibly decide on the right amount of concern to be put up for someone you would like to care about but at the same time you don’t want them to think otherwise? So, I decided to cut the cord. Completely. I must be mean for his own good.

ps. i have an addiction. :) its wrong and its uncontrollable. but i dun want to turn away from this...mind me, i am just crapping to myself.

Disturbed mum

Mum thought I was high on drugs last night, screaming and laughing alone in my bedroom at wee hours, which actually I was not. It was a phone conversation with someone. God-damn-stupid-mother-fucker but a lovely one.

I started to cough back. Quite terrible that I hardly could get into my sleep, it must be the drastic change in weather lately. If possible, I want to be on medical leave for one whole week and have a short getaway somewhere near by the beachside with a bottle of Heineken and a good book as companionship. I know it won’t work. Most prolly I will be clingy to telephone calls and sms with that bastard. HAHAHA!

So, where do we go from now?

5th APRIL 2010. 1.30 am
Things seem to be unable to relapse back to the same old days before. Things uttered out cannot be taken back as well. So where do we go from now? When I read the over-lengthy sms KF sent me, I assumed that he has gone too tired in pursuing me and maybe, its too time consuming to chase after the empty air. With the message contents, I have concluded he has given up. I don’t feel that it is an erroneous decision; in fact, I really think I am not the right kind of girl he is looking into.

I appreciate the every little thing he has done for me. From being my personal “taxi driver” to becoming a dear friend who has a great patience dealing with my broken moments and keeping me accompanied in whatever I wanted to do. I do not care what others may see it that I am taking him for granted. Honestly I have never asked for anything from him nor do I demand him to treat me this way. I understand when you love a person; you will go all out and reach out for him/her and always wanted her to be in the best condition in life. Hence, he has done all those just for me. All these would not have happened if I didn't show interest for him from the beginning. I wanted to try if I may like him and in fact I do...but the feelings are very ephemeral. It happened too quickly and it ended too fast as well. The "like" can only maintain as it is and I can't form it into love although I do want to.

The only problem now is…ME. I don’t find him as my Mr. Right. I am not having definite specification on how my Mr. Right should be…but my inner self told me, he is not the one at the moment. I know I have been falling too many times for the wrong ones that I should really start to think to find someone who can be at a great patience to guide me and to grow old with me without leaving me. Who on earth doesn’t hope for this?

Love can be never fair, can be never equal. This amount of love you have poured out, you can’t possibly be assured to reclaim back the same amount of it. Yes, love can be frustrating but only if you have too many to expect or to demand than to really offer to others.

KF told me he is not pushing me to becoming his girlfriend but he has not realized the every little thing he has been doing has suffocated me circuitously. I don’t want him to stay in my room to watch me sleep at wee hours. I don’t like him being so extra sensitive with me interacting with others. He can’t tell me jokes that will make me laughed so hard till I fall from my bed. He can’t baby talk with me till I fall asleep with a smiling face still. He can never play sms with me interactively without being needy to meet up for a week or more. He can only make sure of my well being but you are not holding the key to my heart. Why I love my ex so much and I still do…basically is because I love doing these entire impractical things with him.

The almost 45 minutes spent in his car outside my house trying to talk things out has lead me to come to realize, we don’t match. KF kept telling me he understands, but I know he doesn’t. Why wanted to show others my written thoughts deliberately, I know my blog is not privatized but I just don’t find it comfortable that the blog has been made to read by others without much of self- voluntary. I know I am really mean that I don’t allow him to have one more minute to talk about this but even if I am giving him an hour…it is not going to bring us anywhere. I had enough of being in a relationship…why wanted me to commit which I don’t want to. Why can’t I just be where I am at now without being restricted? What do you all want from me? Another guy friend also suddenly wanted to be pushy…I need a break from all this. I don’t know why but I love staying at home more than anything else nowadays and I don't wish to drown myself with relationship issues anymore…If only I have the guts to just leave this place and find some peace somewhere and start afresh. All from nil. If only…

Wrong Girl = ME.

Yesterday right after work, all the plan to go out mingle has been cancelled simply due to my mood swing. Period has yet to come but I just can’t find a reason why am I feeling extremely down in the dumps and not wanting to go out but stayed in my room for the whole freaking night. Those feelings almost eat me up and I feel like crying-again. Has love gone wrong again? Most prolly NOT as I am still single and remain unattached (surprisingly)…who could bring such an impact if it isn’t my ex still?


My mind was so trashed up that I accidentally cut my finger. :(

KF has texted me with a super duper long message yesterday, from his content, I think he is telling me he has given up in pursuing me. I would not say it is an incorrect decision, I know he has been too tired figuring how to help me from my slump and how to be “the one” for me. He even tried reading my blog to understand me better and he could be reading this post by now. In fact, he is a very nice guy but it’s just that he has fallen for the wrong girl. ME.



He got me this charm bracelet from HongKong, by wearing it on my left hand; he assumes the scars on my wrist can be hidden. I never hated my scars in some ways and in fact, they are hardly visible to whoever’s sight…I just hated my mind because I can’t get it straight to accept him. He has always been around for me. Almost 24/7. But that is not what I want… I also don’t know what I want. Sigh… Give me back my ex. Please?

My ex called. Not the current one but my second one, Skeet @ Hamster. We chatted for a while and I am glad to know that after for so many broken relationships he went into after me…He has finally found a girl which he claimed close resembling the feelings he ever wanted. Someone whom he doesn’t mind to sacrifice to be with…I also wanted to find those feelings, someone who you will risk off everything to love him. Must persistently remind myself jor…Good things come to those who wait. Mr. Right…I am waiting for you still, okay mou?

I didn't cry in the end...I talked with Bubujiak and I demanded him to amuse me but he kept on pissing me off. For freaking 3 hours. Grrr...And now, I am fishing at work. Feel like slapping myself...to stay awake.

Some random shots

Sashimi @ Ten Good again. April's Fool lunchie treat by conman.


Camwhoring with youngest bro, Joe, when praying our ancestors for Cheng Beng


Baskin Robbins's Chocolate Ice Cream on 31st. Lucky Day because con people buy geh..



Cousins :)


Foh San Dim Sum with baby Eliza and her mummy... The most expensive day of the month. Not the food but my car tyres after the breakfast

Impulse with restriction

I can’t be possibly made any decision which is considered as a right one. I desperately need a change in my life. My working environment and job field especially but then I realized, it is a very much tough decision. I most likely going to drop tomorrow’s interview in KL. I have not been doing financially well lately and I got myself pretty stuck with the credit card debts and installments. I could not possible to go jobless or underpaid for quite some time until I managed to save back the amount of money I have lost within these few months. I should really control well of my spending habit. Sigh. I know I wanted the job that I am going to interview but I really can’t. I guess I just need to wait. Patiently wait for the hurricane in my savings account to be unwavering then only I could bring myself to else where. Yes, this is sad. I hate being broke. Extremely gor jek tim... Hehe

So it is indeed 3 whole months I am staying single. There are moments where I was so desperate to be in a new relationship so that the newbie can take over my ex but it is such a wrongdoing. There are in jiffies too where I have been trying too hard to find for my Mr. Right who seems almost never existed. I tried to convince myself with all the lies I told myself too. Pathetic, hor?

The obvious gap.

Super duper tired now. Yesterday went for badminton session until almost 2 in the morning with David Chin and his group of friends. Super nice although I suck so much playing badminton.

KF has called and informed he is back from Hong Kong. I can’t seem to find a conversation topic to talk with him; hence we ended up the phone conversation somehow very brief. He even called when he is back to Ipoh but both didn’t suggest for a meet up on the very night. I guess he has finally comprehended what I am trying to convey to him about I am not rushing into any relationship and stop doing pushy things towards me which will result negative responses. If not, he definitely will call and wanted to come and look for me straight off.

We didn’t really keep in touch so frequent during his days being away. I guess he is not much a calling or texting person, because even if he’s around…his call and sms rate is very low, sometimes it almost takes him two hours to reply one single sms. This is also one of the reasons I found that we don’t “click”. I don’t feel the instant magnetism between us, like what I used to have with my ex. I think I miss my ex boyfriend in so many ways and sometimes, the heart still ache about it. I can never do anything to redeem the lost. I know I should stop mentioning about the ex-boyfriend and just bloody move on. At times, I felt I managed to do so but the bad auras will just pop up out of nowhere without a forewarning gesture.

Be strong, please.

Keeping the door open.

I felt very very very bad. I indirectly rejected KF. He can be the nicest guy left on earth but too bad and sad; the chemistry is just not there. Or maybe not there YET. I don’t know- lah. He is not being demanding but his action is a bit pushy towards me. He made things as if I am already his girlfriend which I am not. I am definitely not ready to be in a relationship still. This is weird. It is coming to 3 months that I am single and I guess this is my longest record of staying unattached.

KF has went off to some business trip with his family members for a week, I can have finally have time on my own, doing my own favorite things myself. Sleeping naked underneath my comfy blanket with dim lights while MSN-ing via iPhone till I fall asleep. I am not complaining that he is eating up my time, just that I wanted to spend some and more time being alone or going out with different people. I really dislike it when he tries to interfere me going out with my friends or my new found friends and shooting questions like, “Why aren’t you going out with me but him/them?” or the classic one, “Oh, so you are occupied. You don’t need me now is it?” I went speechless not because I do not know how to answer but I am tired of answering the same questions again and again.

The day before he left Malaysia for his trip, he text me and told me he felt uneasy about us and that lately we have talk less. He told me he may not be the best for me but he felt really comfortable being with me. I didn’t know I can give such impact to others or he has not really understand my complexities and know me well enough like my ex does who has finally decided to leave me behind the dark. I told him straight, “no beating around the bush”; that all I need for the moment is time and not a new boyfriend.

He has not grown to be a man yet and I don’t want a boy. He is good but can be better. However, I am not shutting doors entirely for him or for anyone. Life is about making choices and love can be an option too. I want to make sure, the next one I am going to fall in love or going to be with has to be “the one” although I know it’s hard and I have been almost going forever having that thought in every relationship I ventured into. Blerks! :p

Selfishness

Too soon to tell if I am leading a healthier life right now but I have made myself possible to stay home and not straying outside at wee hours being tipsy or drunk. I guess I need to learn to love myself more than anyone else does. No more giving wrong signals to any men from the clubs, no more hinting to certain men I am being so so so “single” or no more hitting on those Mr. Wrongs and having dangerous dates although I think I have not reach to that extent yet. Hehe.


I don’t want to be in any relationship at the moment but at the same time, I don’t like the feeling of hanging loosely on nothing. I think I still don’t know what I want.
“Soul searching mode [ on ]”

Last night before I was off to bed, I thought for a little while. Deep thoughts, actually. I caught myself enjoying with the treatment the others are offering me. Being my breakfast, lunch and dinner companions, my chauffeur (driving me around and even to and fro workplace), being protective towards me if something nasty happens, etc. Why are they treating me so well? Why should they give in to me all the time without much complains? I really feel selfish for unwilling to be fair to everyone. One of them is showing his interest towards me and have yet to confess, another one is giving all he can trying to own me, and the one whom I seem to develop mild interest in, afraid and clueless if he should take a step further towards me…I am just confusing everyone around me who are treating me good. :(

I don’t feel like losing any of them but I seem to be enjoying the moments whereby I don’t need to commit to any. I have grow to become more and more selfish

myHongKong vacation

So much of over piled follow-up cases and bill complaints to be handled at work right after my trip back from Hong Kong. So much of them that can die wei…

Apart from some unexpected occurrences, the trip is somehow awesome too. First time went for solo vacation which was unaccompanied by any family members or friends. Met up with a long lost friend there, tried the local delicacies (I can never be sick of eating HK food again and again!), indulged with intensive shopping spree (cut that off if you are looking for branded stuff as they can cost you arms and legs), and so much more.


Sky view.


Camwhore-ing inside the plane. Yes. That's my bra you are peeping at.

The first thing to do when the flight touched down Hong Kong is to get a HK prepaid number, I remembered the last visit with baby Choyling, my roaming charges has been so ridiculous but I can’t dispute on that simply because of I am aware of the extreme roaming charges. This time I can’t be any wrong but I still spend hundreds over for credit recharge. LOL.

The first night in HK, I went for a movie called, “Nine”. It is a musical movie that tells a story about Guido Contini (Daniel Day-Lewis), a world famous film director as he confronts an epic mid-life crisis with both creative and personal problems. He must balance the many women of his life, including his wife (Marion Cotillard), his mistress (Penelope Cruz), his film star muse (Nicole Kidman), his confidant and costume designer (Judi Dench), an American fashion journalist (Kate Hudson), the whore from his youth (Fergie) and his mother (Sophia Loren). I don’t fancy this sort of movie hence I was at bore watching this and it’s pretty expensive watching movies in HK, it costs about RM30++ per ticket. I have also tried Durian Pancake on the same day. Very very in love ooo…

I went DISNEYLAND the next day. Went for a couple of rides, watched some shows, bought some stuff, etc. Things are expensive there hence I only got myself two MCKY tees and a MCKY bag. I guess the most creditable and spectacular part of going to HK Disneyland, it’s the fireworks. It will be totally A.W.E.S.O.M.E. watching that with your loved ones and I was busy recording, didn’t really take my own time to enjoy the beautiful sight of the fireworks. Why are they always so short-lived? :(


The express train that reaches Disneyland straight off.

I went LanKwaiFong with my former Sunday School Teacher from Elim after Disneyland for a drink. Lychee Martini Cocktail is so superb, the bartender there has standards. Unlike those here. Hehehe. Bleh. :p I missed my drinking buddies. How best it is to have them all together having drinking sessions at a foreign soil. But it is alright, we will be having a trip to Hatyai in April and we can “drink drank drunk” kaw-kaw to the max very very soon.


Lychee Seed Martini, with Sunset Bay Martini (awesome cocktails)

The final night in HK, I stay on my own. I really feel horrendously to stay in his room, with his wife and children cramped into one room while he slept in the living room. I slept in guilt for the past two nights in HK. Michael offered to subsidy half for my hotel room, which is like RM600 plus at BP International House. Without much hesitation, I agreed to it rather than troubling his family. It was really fun. To be totally alone going around Hong Kong. The only lacking is I don’t manage to snap shot my own pictures. Bits awkward to cam whore in front of everyone although no one knows me there. But still…


The view from my hotel room. 23 floors. Damn jeng...


Must try this "奶黃流沙包". Orgasm Guaranteed. :)


Stuff that I bought in HK. Got GUCCI geh!!! (Thanks Q.Fang~)


Night view with the fantabulous lightings + skyscrappers


Canton Road-Tsim Tsa Tsui. You can go into one of those shops located at this street and buy "one" item...then you can proudly go back to your hometown and declared for bankruptcy. Don't quote me, kay. Unless you are rich, then stories can be told differently. But I'm not.

I want a boyfriend. Hahaha. But I don’t need a boyfriend. You feel the confusion in me? Since I have so much of time being alone in a foreign land, Michael asked to think what I really want in a relationship. It wasn’t an easy question because I found myself, straying away to find out the answer. I don’t want to force myself to be in a relationship at the moment; however, at the very same time…I hate the emptiness that creeps into me at certain time and occasions. So indecisive…and guess what? I seem to enjoy my single life now much more than I thought I would be… I am still in a very very very much confused state. Everyone sees it, everyone tries to bring me out from my miseries…and almost everyone still fails to complete the missing parts of me. I want my Mr. Right!

I have my slave to fetch me back from LCCT to Ipoh. What I have for my slave and what he has for me…is something very much unexplainable. I wanted to blog those feelings about it but I think it is advisable not to as I feel unsure about myself after my last break up. No point hurting others and myself and it is even pointless to let others to hurt me in return. I realized I am getting more and more defensive.

To sum it all, it is indeed a priceless experience in Hong Kong (although this visit is the fourth of the fifth ones). I can’t say I can see people thoroughly but from this trip, I gained about the complexities in certain things we thought they were simple. Find it hard to digest? Then don’t. It was only meant for those I wanted them to know.


I look damn fcuking vain in this pic. Excuse me for this...

Enough

I read back the two emails I sent to my current ex days before when he decided to break up with me. How painful was I back then, how I thought life has just ended at my side, how badly I wanted him back…and how hopeless I felt when he did not respond back at all. So, here am I still…living each day without having him around as my most precious baby anymore. I slowly learned the fact that, when a person has fall out of love with you, you can do a hundred things or you can sacrifice a thousand things trying to get back the whole of him and yet he will never come back to you.

So, he has attached to a girl younger than me by two years. He has brought her back to Ipoh during CNY and even introduced her to his friends. He had hurt his ex, the one that I used to hate so much and he has hurt me deep within too until my healing wound seems to stretch open and bleed again. Argh! He is no longer worth a single drop of tear nor is he worthy enough. Things has changed, he had and so do I. I have been upset enough and cried enough for this person.

19 ~ 21 February 2010 [ Cameron Trip with loved ones]

I had a helluva fun time with O.U.R group in Cameron Highlands for the weekend. Superbly in love with the BBQ session along with the great weather. Not to mention, the great company of friends that have continuously handling me with much intensive care. Oh yes, my emotion and heart are damn delicate nowadays…ever since I got dumped.


Me posing with KF. We nicknamed him, "Bosco" and he finds it annoying. :p



The chaps are only serve as background. Hahaha.


1/3 of the O.U.R.group and I am not even from the group until I came back from Cameron. :)


The great company of friends


BBQ session at Honeymoon Villa, Brinchang


TJ & Me & David Chin


Fabian & Baby (Emery's baby shihtzu) & Me again


XOXO. Hugs people~


Michael Chan! My gossip husband...Hahaha with Suzanne


:)

So, my this year CNY isn't that pathetic as I thought it would be just like last year. Thanks thanks thanks for dropping by into my life...ALL OF YOU! Hugs...