Stupid H1N1

Months ago, bf has some initiate planning to travel to somewhere out from Malaysia which resulted Bangkok to be the exact destination because he said Tokyo and Paris are so out from the picture. :p Blerkz!!

Well, to blend well with my applied annual leaves, we have set 4 days 3 nights trip in the month of July. Just about we have set everything ready and have waited with much anticipation for the trip; we are forced to postpone it due to rising cases of H1N1 swine-flu reported in Bangkok. Damn “beh song”, I won’t be having anymore annual leaves till next year because of shortfall of staff due to maternity leaves in the later months. I was so looking forward to the trip and now it is screwed. It is either we are canceling it or postponing it to somewhere next year and that also depends if the air tickets travel period are allowed to be amended.

Sad case, kan? Sigh…

Note: The below pics are irrelevant from the post entry

Sakae sushi treat from me @ a day after his birthday


My highly imported kuli from Bangladesh.


Our woke up and worn out looks on my birthday!


Speechless...hahaha

Upright moody

I think this is the first time i threw tantrums in front of him. Should i be mad or should i maintain my coolness? I am not angry but upset. Hate what is running around my mind now that causes such feelings. Really gone out of mood jor, it supposed to be a great weekend but now I wish I am back home. :(
I need hugs...loads of hugs.

Love is a gift.

Having Uncle Wong, my ex, seated in front of me in Maxis Center Ipoh, and discussed about the current Maxis promotion. How absurd isn’t it? This time we acted more like we are friends than the earlier accidental meet ups where he showed awkwardness. Okay. Our chapter has finally closed and sealed. The heartbeat I used to have for him is beating low and it was close to none. I salute myself that I can get over it so fast and I could accept drastic changes optimistically. Maybe there is more to life than to sulk over him.
:) Yay…

Went out for drinks with my bestie, Yin Theng, yesterday night at Greentown Bungalow MP. Do some catch ups and gossiped alot. It is like going back to the good old days, just that topics we chatted are mainly about family issues. Married woman, what's more beside her child and her husband. I shared more on my past failed relationships...it is an never-ending stories. I updated her on my new found relationship too but as always, she asked me to keep my fingers crossed. Muahahaha. She understands me most and I guess she understands men more than I do.

Forget to mention that the customer who filed a complaint on me up to the management replied my apology email two days ago. She actually said something nice in the end and cc the reply back to the management...AFTER ALL THE HASSLES SHE HAS PUT ME INTO! Conversion will not happen again in this year time. So i have gulped down the loss and will not think of career advancement with Maxis for the time being. Need to self-reflect alot...But her reply definitely made my day. :)

Very much loved.

Apart from the spoiled mood, I woke up today feeling extremely loved. Bf sent me a sms before he headed to sleep last night, it says in mandarin, ‘Do you know what? I really like you.’ I know it is just a very simple sms that may mean nothing to anyone but to me, it means a whole world. I feel loved. Very much loved.

Dishearten

This morning meeting has caused a little bit of melancholy to me; boss has just announced two colleagues of mine are successfully to be converted as permanent staffs and with effect date, 19 June 2009. I know it clearly if that catastrophic incident did not happen I would have joined them and be part of the celebration too. It’s alright…I am undeniably sad and unhappy but it is not the end of the world yet. I lost something but I do gain something too. On a more positive side, at least I am still employed and can pay for my bills and feed my wardrobe with more clothing and handbags. LOL…Yeah yeah, I am saying this just to make myself feel better.

Portraitures

My 24th Birthday with him.








With him.



and more to come...time for yoga now!

With love,
xoxo

I can have a million reasons to cry.

So i screwed up my whole career advancement with Maxis? Yeah, I think I just did it. Blowing up in front of that lady customer and I am all amazed of myself to have purposely triggered her to file a complaint on me and the case has eventually went up the management and as expected, my conversion is now put on hold, it could forever be on hold. Most prolly all I have to do now is patiently wait for the warning letter to reach me and I can kiss my ass goodbye because it will be badly burnt. Yeah, life is that ironic. I have learn to live with it. Of course, it is such a waste after putting in so much of time and effort to my job and it so close to a sense of achievement...I just went and kicked it away. I'm angry at myself too that I know things won't turned out to be this ugly if I just were to tolerate just a little bit more but shit happens, right? :) Yes, I know...I am only comforting myself here so I don't need to feel so depressing as I am now. Boo hoo...I could just considered myself as unfortunate to meet such a customer and also so unfortunate for the customer to have meet me as well.

After that catastrophic incident, the hardest thing to live with is I need to write her an apology letter which I have now put aside after battling for an hour for the introduction and still ended up with a blank page. My colleague suggested me to send an E-greeting card. How hilarous, hor? Anyway, on the very day itself, I have already called up the customer and apologized to her personally which she has also accepted my apology. You definitely won't be aware on how it feels like to go through what I have just did. I cried talking to her. It was the crappiest thing to do and I don't want to recall that back. What done is done.

I carried this crappy feeling all the way down to KL to meet my bf. I wanted a hug so badly and I wanted to cry and cry and cry and cry until I am dead tired then go to sleep straight off. It did happen. After the drinking session with my bf's colleagues, I found myself crying at the backseat with my bf driving in front. Along the way, tears were flowing down my cheeks...at that very moment, I am so afraid to lose the relationship till I cried. I flash backed so much of the struggles I was put into during the break up with Uncle Wong. What if it happened again? What if I have to be in that scene once more? Damn. It was so fearful and scary. Plus the pressure from work and that particular thing which has happened, there are more reasons for me to cry. I am always a cry baby, I know crying won't solve any problem but I always feel better after crying. Maybe to me, it is an act of letting out the frustrations and the tied-up knots, huh?

Bf was caught with a little surprise to see me crying all out of a sudden and keep on throwing me with questions that I have difficulties in answering. Things sometimes are harder to convey out verbally, hence I always find my strengths in writings. I can express myself better this way. Bf asked me if his ex has caused the tears...Yes, in a way, she did. My feelings were a bit disturbed when she called to sing him a birthday song, I don't know how to put that in exact words but I know I was faking it to make myself look alright and maintain my coolness to make believe I am definitely not affected with a thing or two. It is really a small matter, hence I don't want to over-react and I shouldn't also. But I'm really unhappy and the weird feelings is eating me up. I'm still not a full grown, why can't I be a little bit more giving? But is it normal to be unhappy on that issue? Enough said. Sigh...I still need a lot more to be a better girlfriend, I supposed.

Felt my life damn gloomy like that...I screwed up my career and I hardly score in any relationships. I'm just good at nothing...as useless as most of the times. :(

Specially for you

Lai Kok Keong,

I love you! Happy Birthday!!! Life has been great being with you...

Uncle Wong caught me with surprise. :p

Stupid dreams again. I dreamt puppies as small as snails, picking up some funny-looking coins on the ground, saw my deceased paternal side Grandpa, etc. I google-ed for the interpretation of the dreams but I don’t get those meanings. Hahaha.

Uncle Wong called me yesterday while I was at work still. Chatted for a while. Having indescribable funny feelings while talking to him, actually wanted to know so much how is he doing since the market recession has impacted so much to the car industry and also if he has already been attached to the new girl I met in Jusco. But seems like he wanted to know more how I am doing and who’s my current bf.

As always, I told him every single thing about my personal life and more than what he has asked me about. Hehehe. I just love to talk. The usual he…as reserved as always, will only tell a thing or two. Happy or not, he will just keep those to himself. I can never understand him and I don’t need to anymore as he’s no longer someone dear or important in my life. I really couldn’t be bothered about what or how I feel about him anymore. I just want to eliminate those feelings about him completely and what I need now is time. :)

Not again!

I dreamt of something bizarre last night. Can’t remember much but it carried a little bit of laughter and also a little bit of fear. My bf and his ex were in the dream. Probably it’s a side effect that I have thought too much the night before and the brain became malfunction and stuck with this crappy stuff that generated this dream in the end. Possible, right? Oh, craps.

Nowadays I think I am isolating myself whereby I have been constantly turning down friends’ invitations to go out and even ffk-ing non-stop. Weekdays to me are dead. The only contentment I find is during weekends when I am able to meet my bf. Yerr, I damn tak suka the feelings as if my happiness only involves him. What I am trying to say here is he is definite a part of my contentment in life but it seems like his portion is eating the whole of me. It’s exactly the same thing I felt about a year ago with Uncle Wong.

Argh! It’s not a healthy sign. I really need to work something on it but I just don’t know what to do…

Crankiness

I’m getting an iphone soon within this week. Purchasing it under Maxis Employee Plan. No sense of contentment also geh. Yerr…

Don’t know what went wrong. Emotion has plunge into bottom-end of moodiness today. Feel damn outright cranky at the moment. Gosh…

Could it be the weather? Could it be my AV coming soon?

I wish bf is around, at least got someone to listen to me while having a shoulder for me to lean on or accompany me for a cup of ice cream to ease the shitty feeling. I’m all alone-lah and I am just not that interested to go out with anyone. I want my bf. :(

Work is slow today, feel very unproductive...Hope yoga class after work could regenerate better auras.

Have there been regrets?

Basically yesterday night, I was reading through the 90 plus posts which I have blogged about since the existence of my first bf up to my most current one, the number forth placing. Yes. I only have 3 ex-s and a current bf. Surprised with the figure? I have many flings in between lah but those are not real thing, at least to me the feelings that I thought was real are just some delusion…The excitement or happiness that I first felt about those men transformed into fear and confusion drastically.

As I read through about those posts specially dedicated to my ex-s, Wyman, Skeet and even Uncle Wong…I have never realized I used to love them so strong and once so deep and Skeet especially. Yes. Those feelings were real and I have never pretended to be someone else when I was with them from the start. However, things change…People change, places change and they won’t and can’t stay forever in place but that doesn’t mean the past has been forgotten. There are always reasons why they are called my ex-s now but I’m glad that I have gulped down the past, be it sweet or sour memories we used to share, I have encapsulated them as memoirs that I choose not to forget.

However in spite of the lovey dovey touching stuff I written about, they still pissed me off every now and then. It’s a never easy thing to have form friendships after break ups but I did- all of them are still in talking term with me. Conversely, on certain time and certain things…barriers still exist.

The 4.5 years, Wyman- I have hard times communicating with my first ex, Wyman, as stubborn as he is…we are now working together under one roof, Maxis. Basically I intro the job to him, I helped him with his resume and even arranged him for the interview. As an ex-gf or even as a normal friend, I have done more than I should. Since we are seeing each other almost everyday, feelings are damn dead edi. We fought a lot still but not on boy girl relationship issue- it’s all about work. He’s still a nice friend to talk with but I just need to be cautious in selecting topics or else, we would end up quarrelling again. LOL.

The 1.5 years, Skeet- Things with baby Hamster is like a roller coaster ride. Damn happy and exciting at first, then the next second can be damn boring and frustrating. Throughout the whole journey, he’s the only one giving and I am the solely one who kept on demanding and taking. Maybe I just don’t love him as much as he did towards me. Haha. We still keep in touch once in a while. Crap a bit but we are so not the same anymore. Our levels of thoughts and mentality are just too huge in gaps.

The 1.1 years, Uncle Wong- What can I say about him? The man who lifted me up to sky high and dropped me off to the bottomless end without mercy at all? Or maybe the man who made me realized the stupidity in myself to actually blind myself and making believe lies are truth? Hahaha. He isn't that bad lah. Our paths crossed and we were couple and every single day and hour and minute and second spent with him, I live without regrets and love without hesitations. I was so real to my feelings about him, I was even looking forward to marrying him and I really really thought life is a definite fairy tale being with him. Somehow someway, we were just not meant for each other. I think through all the blog entries posted about Uncle Wong, it has been a clear cut that our relationship has finally gave up on us and he has given me up. Yes, I fell down and got myself dusted and I'm all alone. I hated him so much at first because I really have given all out to love him. Taking the first step out to move out from his place and having him removed from my life completely was really tough and mind-blowing. Cried like shit every single night, hugging my pillows to sleep and thinking of him which I tried not but failed tremendously. I could still feel the pain now. Seriously. I am not completely healed but I have moved on definitely. He has casted me a shadow of fear to trust. :(
As much as all the hurt he has implemented in me, I will never ever forget the love we used to share. Deep down inside, I know he has once loved and cared for me like no one else did. Not even my parents and not even my ex. Thanks for everything, I appreciate every bits of it. He's a friend still but I chose to avoid for better purpose. :)

:) From one relationship to another, they definitely made me a better person.

No lies, please

Things are getting really great for bf and me nowadays. We have been together for 2 months already, no argument or squabbles yet. This is something to commemorate about. Hehe. I grasp a fact that I am indeed a better gf, or at least that’s how am I feeling now. I don’t rant and complain that much about my bf anymore whenever they do wrongs or they did something that hurt me. Not to say completely none but have been cut and reduced to minimal.

Being in the previous relationship whereby Uncle Wong is 8 years elder than me really taught me a lot. Every morning I made my own bed, I tend to appreciate more on things which have been done specially for me, and I don’t demand that much on unnecessary although I love to “ lau gei” still and forever a crybaby. Hahaha.

I try to avoid being too sensitive in the ex issues as well. For instance, bf just now called me and to tell me that he’s going out for a drink with his ex. As much as I dislike it or hated it, I need to tell myself that he does have his own circle of friends and I should not invade into his room of privacy. His life doesn't just evolve around me, there's more to it. I wanted to trust him whole heartedly and I don’t want to play those mind games like I used to with Uncle Wong. I really afraid of things I may discover right in the end and everything shared and given to me are actually built on lies. Please please please don’t ever lie to me, I know not everyone is made perfect to please others and things we do and done at times might consist disappointments or dissatisfactions, but I will learn to take those positively. Just don’t have the thought that you scare you might hurt me or make me unhappy hence you have chose to lie. That’s the lamest excuse to come up with.

* Bf, I can give you a whole world of freedom but I am expecting a whole world of faith and trust that I could obtained from you. Don’t start with a tiny white lie, it is contagious and very soon, lies will cover lies. That’s the last thing I want it to happen between us. :)*

And so happened to bump into his ex again at night. Yes, am pretty much curious on how exactly he was feeling and thinking to have the current gf sitting in front of him while the previous girlfriend passing by...I experienced that before and it somehow did eat my heart out. :p

Back into the empty room again

Just got home from fun fair with cousins and found out that no one is at home except my caged-up Benji. Even my youngest bro who anti-social, Joe, also went out with mum. Complete silence in the house except for the sound of the spinning ceiling fan. I quickly made my way into my bedroom hoping to chat with my bf for a while. As I pressed for his name in my cell phone, then only I remembered that he has went out with colleagues to Thai Club.

Sigh. I should have not ffk Eugene to go out for a drink with the gang earlier on. The emptiness feeling is back to irk the inner me again. I think I’m just very much used to meet my ex everyday leaving me to have the habit of being clingy and now with my current bf, I am learning my way to cope with the LDR issue. I really understand that he has been trying his best and throwing in whatever effort he has to come back Ipoh just to meet me and spend time with me almost every weekend. It hurts at times to see him juggling between his work and me…hence I don’t mind myself travel to KL to meet him instead. After all, he is worth all these.

BF, if so happen you are reading this, I really wanted to thank you for loving me and learning to take good care of me. You are damn cute on the phone just now by calling my name in your half-drunk tone. Missing you heaps already although I know I will be seeing you tomorrow’s night.