I felt so fcuk'd!

I went out with that “guy” for the second time. Another risk taken in my life, I supposed. I realized we could not click that well BUT somehow I am attracted to him. He is so into his own world of being an existentialist and he could goes on forever with his passion in pursuing existence. I blame him not for his devotion into art and philosophy but somehow it just surprised me with his brain cells that could think much more than anyone else does or at least he rises up among people that I know. I admit that I do admire him and look into him deeply.

No, I am not talking about having crush over him or what. I just have this urge or impulse of wanting to know more about him. However, I did try so hard to stop thinking about him and the remarks about life and art he poured out to me. Shit, he is just so influential. I ended up thinking so much about him because in that everyday of my life there is a minute or two his words cross my mind. I felt so sorry for Wyman and myself. I see myself turning into a slut and this is so not RIGHT!

It is the dumbest and stupidest thing I could ever think or feel for others especially “him”. My intuition has always been accurately true. I sense that he is a very easy-going type of person that would never clinch to any commitment or promises. Casual dating will be the best description to explain this. I remembered going through his friendster’s testimonial and saw this lil girl’s who only age 18 posted her love dedication through poem to him, so eventually it struck me hard. I don’t want to hurt others as much as I don’t want to hurt myself. “He” knows I am pretty much attached and yet he could sms me telling me how much he misses me and stuff. Craps.

On the first go, I really feel like accepting his casual dating offers but somehow I just backed off. I think I will miss him a lot as a person that I could look so much into sharing perceptions about arts and inspirations. He has seriously enlightened me a lot. I felt so fuck’d now. I didn’t know he could leave such an impact. Danny is just so right. I'll lose alot perhaps I'll even lose myself out if I really wanted to be in "his" game. Wake up, Carmen! You got to fight to regain back your consciousness! Don’t stray away!