Carmen_U, a lost soul

I felt so crappy all out of a sudden. Sitting myself here all alone in Puchong waiting to kill my time away by blogging. As I continue to blog, I felt a glimpse of loneliness and emptiness in life. Had an argument with Wyman yesterday night. I almost forgot what we argued about but I am gawd-damn-sure it’s just some craps, which we totally disagree about. He ended up telling me he is sick with my attitude. Yeah, I am such a pain to his ass/anus as he is to me.

For some reasons in living, having to stay in a relationship for almost 4 years with Wyman are totally mind trafficking and a battleship to me. Incompatibilities of financial status, attitudes, interests, family backgrounds, etc and the list should just go on and on. It really worries me about “our” future or better said, my future. He’s already 25 and I am still clinging in the age of 20. We both want each other to be really committed and we even thought of marriage too. Not every guy is ready for such commitment, I realized. For example, the “him” I had mentioned once or twice in the previous entries.

However, I took a step backward from thinking further about marriage and our future planning anymore. In the case that we have so much to disagree about, why bother getting together in the term “forever” if we really can’t click and comprehend and tolerate with each other’s flaws. What disappoint me most is his disorganized ways of spending which lead him to a zero percentage of savings. How to have vision together when nothing is done? I don’t want to fork out another few years time in waiting for miracles to happen. How many youthful years I could offer out?

I don’t want to be in a life that tight down with payments, installments, etc. I hate being broke all the time, but then once again, who wouldn’t right? It just cut my heart deeply whenever the thought of breaking up jiggling around my mind. An intense feeling of selfishness and materialistic revealed in my inner self. I hate myself so much that I just wanted to end it most of the times. I swear that there are times when I really wanted to be with Wyman forever (of course, when we are in those lovey dovey moods) and there are just so many blockages. Life has never been fair. One of the reasons why I very often got lost in tracks of what I really want and need.