Sweet thoughts

I am having myRichard sleeping right beside me now in a very cozy posture. I realized within a short periodical of a few months, I am totally falling completely in love with this man. He has surpassed everything that every single girl wishes her boyfriend to be. Too early to judge? But everything is so dreamlike being with him.

He has never fails in making me laugh at both of our clumsiness and silly stuff. We are reminded by his friends all the time that the world doesn't only consist me and him. Hehe... But to me, he is already my whole world.

Disconnected

I felt so disconnected with him last night. I was out with friends for dinner and drinks till late night while he stayed home and slept early as he was feeling unwell. I don’t really enjoy my night as I was so distracted being worried about him. Rang him up a few times and left some messages via sms and FB. Wanted to drop by to see if he is doing alright or at least, I feel like giving him a big big hug and a kiss on the forehead but I am stuck and I can’t do anything. Just because I simply do not know where my boyfriend stays. -.-" Yes, I know I am a pathetic girlfriend. Hehehe. Well, at least, this morning when I gave him a morning call…I felt we are re-connected instantly again. :)

He is so yesterday.

Today, I have received a call from an unknown kl fixed line number with an instant question of a man asking, " Can I ask you something?". I replied with much courtesy, "Yeah. But who am I speaking to?" It was sort of a long pause before the man decided to speak. "LAI KOK KEONG".

Well, the most recent ex called. Regarding about the contacts from the iPhone he gave back, that he does not know where to search for the contact list in his hotmail account where Wyman has assisted him to sync. I asked Wyman, Wyman asked me to reply him…We just assist to sync, nothing more. Find out for yourself. Well, that’s what you get when things turned sour.

I won’t deny that I hate him so much to an extent, which I hope he fcukingly so doesn’t exist at all. I don’t want to have a possible moment whereby any of his news is spread to my ears or having the worries bumping into his family members or himself in any places or any unexpected occasions. I wished so much that he can just fcukingly go die right now. I know people say mean things when they are wrapped with fuming anger but actually, they don’t mean what they said. But I do. That awfully painful moment he put me into, those heart wrenching and soul-less haunting days and nights. He has no fcuking idea how bad had the breakup done to me and nobody has an idea how I managed to slog through that excruciating phase including myself. Times when I keep calling, texting and email him hoping so much for a feedback or an answer but it never happen. All I know, everyone around me who wanted me to be good, who tried to bring away those pain from me…went hopeless and clueless till they gave up on me. Recalling back those moments now, I can almost feel an instant stabbing pain right away in my heart.

With the “broken me” he has left behind, certainly he is not irresponsible enough to be called as a man. I know I am not good enough to be considered as his girlfriend and I am not wishing for a fair deal now, but I always believe in karma. What comes around goes around. I didn’t realize too that one simple phone call and text from him can rise up so much of resentment within me. I thought I had and in fact, I have actually learned to let go but what I don't expect is, the overwhelming hatred can be regenerated so quickly within a jiffy.

I wish there are a machine which can erase memories completely like what Raymond Lam has mentioned in the movie, "The Mysteries of Love." Seeing how struggle Tavia Yeung going through the break up, I can almost fall into her cast role and feel it personally as a whole. I tried too much and tried too hard till I found myself the silliest person now to have had love that man whole-heartedly. I know I used to love him alot, much more than anything else and I used blog about him happily...but its all gone. Damn gone. I am so much better off without him. :) Wasted of time and effort, huh? Yeah. Truly a waste.

Is "round" considered a shape?

I managed to finish all my reports and backend task right before 5pm today. Means I get to go home early and have a short nap to prepare myself for tonight’s mind-fcuking session watching Inception. Well, at least, that’s what I was told about the movie. Hehehe. Tomorrow will be my off day as well… Super YAY!

I am so freaking round already. Gained weight drastically- People said when you are in love, you will surely become fat. I must be superbly in love then, because I am so fcuking F.A.T. and round now. I tried to convince myself it’s babyfat but FCUK NO. Everyone around me is throwing me questions, “Why are you so fat edi?” or “What has your boyfriend been feeding you…so fat jor geh?” Damn argh~!!! Heartbreaking like shit wei…because I have not determination to go on diet. :(

Tipsy-ness's words of truth

Am being a lil bit tipsy at the moment being with myRichard and some of his friends watching football match -Uruguay vs Germany- at
Oval de Garden. It has been a month of being together and i am loving every second being attached to him.

He may have flaws, he may have moments where he will lose his temper on certain sensitive issues... But never a second i am feeling he has left me behind. Sometimes, i do question myself in order how to pro-long happiness like what i am having now... But deep down inside, everyone knows clearly we dont and we cant predict future.

I love you, Richard. I really have no idea how to make you stay nor do I know how to keep you with me but I certainly will treasure every moment spent being together with you. Yes, my ex has truly been a jerk where he has betrayed my love and hurt me the most but he is so yesterday now. I have stopped thinking about him ever since you decided to walk into my life. Thanks for being yourself and loving me like there's no tomorrow.

I feel that my life now is so much meaningful than before. :) Muacks... Yes, Mr. Right... Finally you have popped up!

I wanted to trust so badly. that the nightmare has finally ended...

Was reading Orange’s blog just now, it has been quite some time since I last read about her blog. Her latest entry was written about her happiness with her one-month-together boyfriend. By reading that stuff, I almost could feel their contentment at my side as well, it is never easy to feel such love, and those feelings come naturally without any hold back. Looking at myself now, if anyone were to throw me the question, “Will you ever be able to love without holding back after for what had happened in your previous relationship?” I might have a lifetime of doubt answering that.

Simply not because of I have not enough of trust or faith in myRichard or myself, somehow and someway…life is so unpredictable, as always. I did not let go my previous boyfriend, he just walked away like that. Don’t fcuk, don’t care…he left me alone completely without turning back. Ouch. That hurts badly. Because of him, I felt myself at the bottomless pit of my life. I felt I was the worst girlfriend, the worst partner in the whole entire universe. I felt like shit. Many many times, I wished so much that I never had met Babyboy at all in my life; maybe I won’t be so pessimistic-thinking about relationship now. I could be a happier person.

I remembered hugging myRichard crying badly how hurt it was being dumped, being neglected by my ex whom I thought he was my everything. I cried twice for the same issue. But each time, without failed, myRichard will pamper-pamper me back, wiped off my tears, hugging me back and telling me, he is here now and he will never ever walk away like my ex did. He will try his very best to love me with all he has. I wanted to make believe that the nightmares has finally come to an end...but I don't want to have hopes that might be trashed in the end as well. Sigh...

A day of love

My menses cramp almost killed me yesterday. Luckily, myRichard came to the rescue at my workplace with medicine, Starbucks' signature hot chocolate and banana with chocolate chip muffin. It has been the longest time ever I feel so much of love. Thanks dear for all of these. :) xoxo...




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Bu Bu Jiak

After Babyboy has decided to walk out from my life, it took me freaking 5 months to adapt to his gone ness. It is my longest moment of staying single, being lost. There was so many times I just felt like giving love up, embrace into any men’s arms to ease my heartaches, even knowing well they are the wrongs ones. I was too desperate to get over him. I just don’t want to feel being dumped, trashed alone and unwanted. I hate waking up every morning feeling so empty about my life. Yes, I do have 700 over friends in my facebook account and I know all of them personally, everyone must have thought I am a social butterfly and the term “L.O.N.E.L.Y” almost never exist in my dictionary but no one has actually understand my inner self more than myself do. (And I still find it hard to understand myself from time to time)

I was feeling so alone even though I went out almost every single night with different group of guys. Came home tipsy-tipsy, sitting on my bed, hugging on my pillows, looking at the bedroom walls…there it was, the emptiness crept in again. I felt as if I am living with an empty soul. I will start to question myself over and over again, if I may had done so much of wrongs till I deserve to feel this way or perhaps, have I not done enough then that I am being treated this way? For me, getting into a relationship is as easy as ABC…but having someone who loves you dearly and vice versa, you need a cupid to do the all the magic.

I do a bit of reading on my previous posts, how happy I felt about my ex(s) when we first got together and then how we got into disagreement on each other certain dealings, to where we felt giving up on each other and to where we decided to walk out from each other lives, wishing we never have met from the start… How paradoxical, isn’t it? To have thought I had met the right person but found out he’s the most hurtful one in the end just because I have prioritized him too ahead of my everything and I was only an additional option in his life.

Apart from the above sappy post, there is an announcement to be made…I am officially attached again(s).

myRichard,

My life was a slump after my ex has left. Nothing else matters most anymore. Even that God has planted you in my life two years ago and both found each other rather much translucent, you with your life and I’m with mine. But then, out of the extraordinaire, two months ago the cupid has done the nastiest thing ever or maybe the sweetest thing to us, huh? And exactly a week ago, you are mine to hold. I remember your grip that night and it was tight, walking and passing by the people we know, no longer are we in denials about each other existence. We have absolutely made a difference.

I remembered it so well the first time you carried me walking past the dark alley, I almost cried out of joy…because I cannot believe what I felt at that time. I finally have found you, someone whom I have so much of strong feelings. Thank you for the on-going phone calls, sms and mms every 24/7 to keep me accompanied when you are not around. I can’t utter more how lucky am I to have you in my life to care and to protect. To share and to love. Thank you for loving me so much. For providing me so much of yourself. For making believe that you are REAL. Thank you for not making me as your option, but your need.

Bu bu jiak! Hehehe.
XOXO.


I love the stinky pillow you made for me so so so much

Mother's Day Update

Bak Kut Teh with super grandma on Mother's Day early noon. :)



The best grandma in the whole universe except when she is moody, she can be damn dulan but i still need to layan her because she cooks and do laundry for me. I "heart" you heaps, mama!



Damn nolstagic feel, right? My "pik kong", grandfather's elder brother.



My cousie baking cupcakes at home now for Mother's Day. As for my mum, she's still snoring at her own bedroom, as always...

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I want to buy a HUSBAND.

Workload is so overwhelming ever since I have been transferred to do admin administrative and reporting tasks on Monday. I am not even sure if this transfer made by boss is considered as an upgrade or a downgrade. What he told me is I will be able to monitor the center as a whole in term of our operational management, etc and it will contribute a lot to career advancement later on. Sounds flattered but actually everyone knows that AA work is a bit too much for any individual and the workload will be never ending one. Sigh. The only thing I can try to comfort myself is, since I will be having long working hours in the office hence I will be able to claim more for OT. 

Birthday is approaching. Will be marking 25 this coming 31st. I am pretty upset actually because I reminisce back a lot on my last year birthday where my ex brought me up to Genting to spend quality time with me on my birthday since we only meet on weekends. Truly enjoyed every second spent with him but that has already been a past tense. I thought too much. Hey, this year birthday should be better lots, right? Gawd, I must keep on convincing myself it will be a better one and when the day comes…maybe I will just find it nothing special at all and somehow, someway, I would even feel that it is just the same like any other ordinary day. Argh. Damn…I wanted to feel special leh! What some more I have taken 3 days off for my birthday and I don’t even have a plan for myself. Ish…The worst part of all is I can feel the pressure of being aging…and my status is still single. Baby Eliza just got engaged two days ago and more or less, I do feel a pinch of pressure jor and it’s bloody unhealthy to have such thought. I want to buy a HUSBAND. Hehehe.

A little surprise

A little surprise at work today With a card attached saying, Just to say Hi Hi...White Color Roses for U...







It is indeed a surprise, just a day before, someone threw me a question... Red or White... and i received a bouquet of white roses at work today. It truly adds a glimpse of excitement and color to my day. Thanks to you-know-who-you-are, i know you might read this post too :)

Besides, i have a date tonight. I have a feeling that it will be a good one... Can't wait for the clock to turn nine!

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Weekend in KL.

It’s going be four months for staying single; I really miss having someone to be there for me 24/7. I don’t mind if we don’t get to meet each other on a daily basis, I just want for someone to care genuinely. To be able to give me a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, and ears to listen…Very well said, right? I used to have all these and I love so much with bits and bits of everything done for me. But I was too greedy back then. I wanted more and more and more. Being ruinously demanding and taken his love for granted. I cared too much but with the wrong actions. Will I be the same towards my new partner in the future coming? I’m trap in fear.

I was in KL for the weekend. I skipped my Hadyai trip because I am broke in many ways and I know the roaming charges that I might engage into will be a big lump sum. To avoid for the stacking-up debts, I have chosen KL then. Another reason also, I wanted to meet up my best friend, Qian Fang. Have a fun outing with him, shopping and walking around; looking for good food, buying nice stuff...He has always been my favorite person on earth. In the late evening, I joined TikMan and Ashley and some other friends for drinking session at TTDI Plaza. 3 pints of Hoegarden has already knocked me off. The night before KL, I was at Lush and Barbeza for drinking too. :p On Sunday night after my KL trip, I went out DRINKING again with Ray and Loke at Shayo and Oval. I dragged baby Eliza’s sister, Jennifer, along. It’s like going back to the alcohol life and yesterday, I have tummy cramps. Luckily I have those left-over medicines to ease my tummy discomfort.


Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. Damn damn damn missing it now...


MingYan, Ashley, Me and TikMan @ Drinking Night at TTDI Plaza there


Qianfang, my most fav person on earth but i always dicth him for some other stuff.


And Grandma is being so cute! She holds my hands when we were doing grocery shopping at Tesco Hypermart last night after family dinner, and I am damn not used to it. :p

In that way, I miss my Grandpa suddenly. My youngest uncle is going to get married next month and now family has gathered more frequently to discuss about the marriage preparations and things certainly will be so much better if Grandpa is still alive.

WEeEeEeEEEEeeeeeee....

“I have written you in my heart, but unfortunately God has not written you in my destiny”.

This is so true. You can’t fight against what doesn’t belong to you. Learned to let go of your grip and eventually, you will be a happier person. I am able to smile now. Without faking it out to others. I found a reason to be happy. Maybe it won’t last me a last time but living in the moment like this now, I am happy without trying at all.

I went for a drink with KF on Monday night. We are friends again. He decided to call back and accept things which I have finalized. I assumed. However, we have another issue now. We realized we can’t really communicate. We don’t share things in common at all. It is getting harder when I don’t seem wanted to share much. I am tired in being a chatter box at all times. Hope things will get better in the coming days. It is also considered a good thing that we don’t meet each other every single day like we used to, at least we can gather more topics to share (hopefully)

I went for a movie, “Date Night” with the conman. Yes, the conman who conned by me to have bought me Baskin Robbins ice cream and Famous Amos cookies. It was so difficult to ask him out- I was treated to eat lemon for TWICE! This time he went and bought tickets instead and I drove out without NRIC and driving license as I left my purse in the office. Damn “big head prawn”.

What to do on your off day?

Basically, I went to work to finish back my unbalanced center closing the night before. Grrr...Do lunchie with my beloved granny, aunt, and cousie and I feel like I am as if going back to the older days which I don’t need to work at all. How I missed the moment. :p


Ang Ang Hailam Mee...I used to eat this at least once every week with granny.

Done a little bit of shopping with my cousie and because of the damn rain that caused difficulty in getting to my car, we went for a movie, “How to train your dragon”. Worth watching! Then I went home with a 3 hours of good sleep because there is already a master plan for the night, which is to club in Club 9 at 11pm.


I wanna watch Shrek! I need a movie partner...

As usual, I was late and I have no luck in looking for a car park nearby. Feel like ciao-ing edi, which suddenly Favian (the guy who asked me out) managed to get a parking for me. I saw him pulling out a few ten ringgit notes and I was like…Hmmmph…Okay! Time to partaaayyyy…But I was rather much quiet that night. Ah Keong, Luis, KhaiMun and Favian were all there with some girls I don’t really know. I used to go out and club with them many many years ago as they were friends to my first ex, Wyman. Luis bought me two small bouquets of lilies from an aunty who approached us at the club… Stunned, of course.

Favian was dead drunk. LOL.


Ah Keong sat on these flowers hence they look cacat-ed.

I know KF has not been feeling well. Two days ago when Ray told me on that, I have an urge to text him to ask if he’s alright but friends around me advised me not to. If I wanted him not to feel hurtful about me anymore, I should stop questioning and stop caring for him. It’s difficult to put a measure of care towards someone. How can you possibly decide on the right amount of concern to be put up for someone you would like to care about but at the same time you don’t want them to think otherwise? So, I decided to cut the cord. Completely. I must be mean for his own good.

ps. i have an addiction. :) its wrong and its uncontrollable. but i dun want to turn away from this...mind me, i am just crapping to myself.

Disturbed mum

Mum thought I was high on drugs last night, screaming and laughing alone in my bedroom at wee hours, which actually I was not. It was a phone conversation with someone. God-damn-stupid-mother-fucker but a lovely one.

I started to cough back. Quite terrible that I hardly could get into my sleep, it must be the drastic change in weather lately. If possible, I want to be on medical leave for one whole week and have a short getaway somewhere near by the beachside with a bottle of Heineken and a good book as companionship. I know it won’t work. Most prolly I will be clingy to telephone calls and sms with that bastard. HAHAHA!

So, where do we go from now?

5th APRIL 2010. 1.30 am
Things seem to be unable to relapse back to the same old days before. Things uttered out cannot be taken back as well. So where do we go from now? When I read the over-lengthy sms KF sent me, I assumed that he has gone too tired in pursuing me and maybe, its too time consuming to chase after the empty air. With the message contents, I have concluded he has given up. I don’t feel that it is an erroneous decision; in fact, I really think I am not the right kind of girl he is looking into.

I appreciate the every little thing he has done for me. From being my personal “taxi driver” to becoming a dear friend who has a great patience dealing with my broken moments and keeping me accompanied in whatever I wanted to do. I do not care what others may see it that I am taking him for granted. Honestly I have never asked for anything from him nor do I demand him to treat me this way. I understand when you love a person; you will go all out and reach out for him/her and always wanted her to be in the best condition in life. Hence, he has done all those just for me. All these would not have happened if I didn't show interest for him from the beginning. I wanted to try if I may like him and in fact I do...but the feelings are very ephemeral. It happened too quickly and it ended too fast as well. The "like" can only maintain as it is and I can't form it into love although I do want to.

The only problem now is…ME. I don’t find him as my Mr. Right. I am not having definite specification on how my Mr. Right should be…but my inner self told me, he is not the one at the moment. I know I have been falling too many times for the wrong ones that I should really start to think to find someone who can be at a great patience to guide me and to grow old with me without leaving me. Who on earth doesn’t hope for this?

Love can be never fair, can be never equal. This amount of love you have poured out, you can’t possibly be assured to reclaim back the same amount of it. Yes, love can be frustrating but only if you have too many to expect or to demand than to really offer to others.

KF told me he is not pushing me to becoming his girlfriend but he has not realized the every little thing he has been doing has suffocated me circuitously. I don’t want him to stay in my room to watch me sleep at wee hours. I don’t like him being so extra sensitive with me interacting with others. He can’t tell me jokes that will make me laughed so hard till I fall from my bed. He can’t baby talk with me till I fall asleep with a smiling face still. He can never play sms with me interactively without being needy to meet up for a week or more. He can only make sure of my well being but you are not holding the key to my heart. Why I love my ex so much and I still do…basically is because I love doing these entire impractical things with him.

The almost 45 minutes spent in his car outside my house trying to talk things out has lead me to come to realize, we don’t match. KF kept telling me he understands, but I know he doesn’t. Why wanted to show others my written thoughts deliberately, I know my blog is not privatized but I just don’t find it comfortable that the blog has been made to read by others without much of self- voluntary. I know I am really mean that I don’t allow him to have one more minute to talk about this but even if I am giving him an hour…it is not going to bring us anywhere. I had enough of being in a relationship…why wanted me to commit which I don’t want to. Why can’t I just be where I am at now without being restricted? What do you all want from me? Another guy friend also suddenly wanted to be pushy…I need a break from all this. I don’t know why but I love staying at home more than anything else nowadays and I don't wish to drown myself with relationship issues anymore…If only I have the guts to just leave this place and find some peace somewhere and start afresh. All from nil. If only…

Wrong Girl = ME.

Yesterday right after work, all the plan to go out mingle has been cancelled simply due to my mood swing. Period has yet to come but I just can’t find a reason why am I feeling extremely down in the dumps and not wanting to go out but stayed in my room for the whole freaking night. Those feelings almost eat me up and I feel like crying-again. Has love gone wrong again? Most prolly NOT as I am still single and remain unattached (surprisingly)…who could bring such an impact if it isn’t my ex still?


My mind was so trashed up that I accidentally cut my finger. :(

KF has texted me with a super duper long message yesterday, from his content, I think he is telling me he has given up in pursuing me. I would not say it is an incorrect decision, I know he has been too tired figuring how to help me from my slump and how to be “the one” for me. He even tried reading my blog to understand me better and he could be reading this post by now. In fact, he is a very nice guy but it’s just that he has fallen for the wrong girl. ME.



He got me this charm bracelet from HongKong, by wearing it on my left hand; he assumes the scars on my wrist can be hidden. I never hated my scars in some ways and in fact, they are hardly visible to whoever’s sight…I just hated my mind because I can’t get it straight to accept him. He has always been around for me. Almost 24/7. But that is not what I want… I also don’t know what I want. Sigh… Give me back my ex. Please?

My ex called. Not the current one but my second one, Skeet @ Hamster. We chatted for a while and I am glad to know that after for so many broken relationships he went into after me…He has finally found a girl which he claimed close resembling the feelings he ever wanted. Someone whom he doesn’t mind to sacrifice to be with…I also wanted to find those feelings, someone who you will risk off everything to love him. Must persistently remind myself jor…Good things come to those who wait. Mr. Right…I am waiting for you still, okay mou?

I didn't cry in the end...I talked with Bubujiak and I demanded him to amuse me but he kept on pissing me off. For freaking 3 hours. Grrr...And now, I am fishing at work. Feel like slapping myself...to stay awake.

Some random shots

Sashimi @ Ten Good again. April's Fool lunchie treat by conman.


Camwhoring with youngest bro, Joe, when praying our ancestors for Cheng Beng


Baskin Robbins's Chocolate Ice Cream on 31st. Lucky Day because con people buy geh..



Cousins :)


Foh San Dim Sum with baby Eliza and her mummy... The most expensive day of the month. Not the food but my car tyres after the breakfast

Impulse with restriction

I can’t be possibly made any decision which is considered as a right one. I desperately need a change in my life. My working environment and job field especially but then I realized, it is a very much tough decision. I most likely going to drop tomorrow’s interview in KL. I have not been doing financially well lately and I got myself pretty stuck with the credit card debts and installments. I could not possible to go jobless or underpaid for quite some time until I managed to save back the amount of money I have lost within these few months. I should really control well of my spending habit. Sigh. I know I wanted the job that I am going to interview but I really can’t. I guess I just need to wait. Patiently wait for the hurricane in my savings account to be unwavering then only I could bring myself to else where. Yes, this is sad. I hate being broke. Extremely gor jek tim... Hehe

So it is indeed 3 whole months I am staying single. There are moments where I was so desperate to be in a new relationship so that the newbie can take over my ex but it is such a wrongdoing. There are in jiffies too where I have been trying too hard to find for my Mr. Right who seems almost never existed. I tried to convince myself with all the lies I told myself too. Pathetic, hor?

The obvious gap.

Super duper tired now. Yesterday went for badminton session until almost 2 in the morning with David Chin and his group of friends. Super nice although I suck so much playing badminton.

KF has called and informed he is back from Hong Kong. I can’t seem to find a conversation topic to talk with him; hence we ended up the phone conversation somehow very brief. He even called when he is back to Ipoh but both didn’t suggest for a meet up on the very night. I guess he has finally comprehended what I am trying to convey to him about I am not rushing into any relationship and stop doing pushy things towards me which will result negative responses. If not, he definitely will call and wanted to come and look for me straight off.

We didn’t really keep in touch so frequent during his days being away. I guess he is not much a calling or texting person, because even if he’s around…his call and sms rate is very low, sometimes it almost takes him two hours to reply one single sms. This is also one of the reasons I found that we don’t “click”. I don’t feel the instant magnetism between us, like what I used to have with my ex. I think I miss my ex boyfriend in so many ways and sometimes, the heart still ache about it. I can never do anything to redeem the lost. I know I should stop mentioning about the ex-boyfriend and just bloody move on. At times, I felt I managed to do so but the bad auras will just pop up out of nowhere without a forewarning gesture.

Be strong, please.