Till then...

I pushed the boundary whereby I chatted on the phone with Skeet for 2 hours. Never had we chatted for this long except when he’s in the courtship for me and also when we were still together, there’s no need to be on the phone for long as we would meet every single day and night. He asked me out for dinner on Thursday night, something like a farewell dinner as he’ll be transferred to KL for promotion but I rejected him. I really don’t see a point there to meet up whereby I don’t and won’t even care anymore things about him. I may appear very cold here but it’s not a bad thing that I have entirely moved on with my life and wholly over him.

I do miss our moments of togetherness. The silly and funny things we have shared, the touching moments that made me in tears, the stupid fights we endured. It’s all now encapsulated and sealed. I will not grieve over the loss as it has brought me to Uncle Wong. My new found happiness. I know I’m such a bitch but who are not when you deeply understand that there’s no turning back and the hurt has gone too immeasurable deep due to the previous one.

Skeet,

I know you are reading my blog. Whatever things you heard from others, be it exaggerated or modified, somehow it holds 35 % of truth. I’m not blind folded with hatred, but the things that you have done and “that one thing” in extra has made me comprehend better I deserved a lot better than you. I’m pretty sure family and friends around you would have told you the same thing too and they are right about it. So, move on and make life worth living and if possible let it be random. After all, there's no such thing as one can never live without another person. We may have cause pains to each other but we have also once loved so real and so deep. Let it all be memories like you have said. About the question that whether you will be invited to my future wedding or not, no certainty. Who knows I may ended up not married. But fuck that, I'm so not going to let that happen to me. Till then, take care in your future undertakings...

Jampi-ed kaw kaw

I lost my phone again. This time is my Motorola V6. Think I have either left it in the hospital yesterday when Dad is admitted due to gall stone surgery. All those precious photos gone. Argh! Need to get a new phone soon but I’m in financial crisis at the moment. Feeling extremely fucked up. My Sony T-10 digital camera has decided to die on me two weeks before I lost my phone. How can one’s luck be this bad, as if i kena jampi-ed. *Screams hysterically*

********************

*Wanted to post this up earlier but ended up in draft for days (05/03/08)

I woke up this morning feeling predominantly in love. Thanks for giving me this feeling, Uncle Wong. Thanks thanks thanks! Nope, Uncle Wong did not bombshell me with a 10 carat diamond ring and asked me to marry him nor he bought me anything good (he’s a person that won’t spend on less-practical stuff, remember?) There’s just something about him that I don’t know how to sum all in words. I felt loved. Deeply. Thanks once again.

Scars

I remembered how I used to be so crazy in love and I lost my sanity at all times. My ex-s all were very much disturbed with me on this issue. I would want things to go my way all the time and if they refused to give in, I would then try crying and hurting myself and also tormenting them. Abusive relationships as a whole and I’m sure no guys would love their partner to be behave like I used to. Is it because of I’m spoilt since young, like how Dad and Mum give me almost everything they could and I can never stop asking for more?

I definitely would leave a deep mark in their hearts (Wyman and Skeet) and I’m pretty sure they have never met such nuisance girl like me and the worst part is they had me as their girlfriend. Time frame with Wyman is 4.5 years long, as for Skeet, it was only like a roller coaster ride as we only manage to maintain for 1.5 years. Well, I’m growing up and I really do. I used to hurt myself badly whenever I failed to win over an argument with the ex-s. I even cut my wrist so that I could obtain all the attention I ever wanted and also I want them to listen and shut up. Pretty mad, right? I scared myself too when this becoming a habit. A real awful one. I even have the habit taking photos of my bleeding wrist. How crazy can one be?





Okay. Pathetic, right? Just wanted to post this up so it could be a gentle reminder to myself how stupid and sick I was back then. It was all good now although my wrist is scarred as I'm truly glad I can control my emotions ways better than before. If I ever wanted another relationship to sink, I can try doing this again. Desmond Wong (The newbie) can never accept this fact as he's always the mature kind and to handle me and having me as his gf, he's already half dead putting in efforts. Slap me bitch if I ever going to repeat this sickening act in order to hurt myself and him. So it's going to be a big no-no...Everyone learns from mistake and I thank God my mistake doesn't cost me my life as I'm still able to revert on this.

ps: will update V's day post in a few days time.

Romance no more.

Valentines’s Day is approaching and in fact, it’s just tomorrow. Still remembered clearly how year 2007 Valentine’s was celebrated. In fact, the celebration was so superior as the memory is still fresh in my head, every second, every minute, every hour and all of those moments. However, I can never quit reminding myself there’s always a price to pay when one has been betrayed. No matter how much I love about romance, I would need to stand on the ground and be real. The word “perfect” doesn’t come in a complete package. You could have all the romance you want but you can never get assurance in your love life where you will be treated right. So what could I asked for? Nothing. If I were to least expecting for things to happen, I think I can be a happier person that way. Or at least, I learned this from my fall.

I’m attached. I know some have even put a bet on me stating that I can never be single for more than a month of two. It’s so true. Dad isn’t that happy with me as he believed I should have take some time off and mingle around than committing myself into another relationship almost immediately. I understand how he actually feels for me as I can really go insane if I’m deeply into a relationship. I can’t agree more with Dad but sometimes when the feelings are so bizarre, you would need to take the step to venture in it and see if it’s work. Hahaha. Easy said, right?

Well, the newbie Mr.BF was one of my customers from Maxis. He came with his supervisor one fine morning, signed up a phone deal and left. There’s no chemistry at all. Just a norm transaction likes others and he did come to Maxis after that for 3G settings, which I just assist accordingly. Things started to slope in was when the day I broke up with Skeet on 17/11/07, I met Mr. Newbie BF at Sincero entrance and somehow he asked for my number and I gave him a sour lemon to suck but I did offer a lil bit of comfort stating that I’ll contact him instead of vice versa, which I really did. The whole process of courtship is really short and simple but things seem to be really steady. Like tremendously steady. He’s 8 years older by difference. I know I can totally forget about romance being with him. Simply because I think he’s a very much practical person. A whole new beginning to adapt and to learn, I would say. Let's cross fingers and hope that I need not to go thru another heartbreak again and even if i do, i really have nothing much left to say...

Gone.

Yup. I have broken up with Baby Hamster. He’s no longer my baby and I wouldn’t want that calling anymore. I don’t know when it all started when the hatred has gone so strong but it was all good as I don’t want to have any connection with him at all. From my tone, I’m pretty sure everyone could guess it was a pretty bad break up. At first, it wasn’t this bad. We were still in talking terms and still care bout each other. (Maybe it was just only me having that wrong assumption). I do admit I have played a huge role in sinking this relationship. Tons of things I have done that have broken the trust and the faith he has for me but this doesn’t mean I’m allowing to be betrayed.

Dear Mr. Cheng,

Thank you for loving me for 1.5 years long. I thought you are such a rare find where you have unconditionally love me with my rather much arrogant and sick attitude as commented by others. The gifts you have showered me almost made in tears as you always said I deserve the very best from you. The memories we both shared since 12 years old up to how we got attached. As we grow to see each other’s flaws, we learned to accept those and after accepting yet we argued on those also and then we learned to accept again. Endless times we have fought and yet we have endured once after once. I know the thought of giving up is running in our minds very often, it’s just that both still wanted to try to pull through. Our relationship has lost its spark and I can’t deny I am allowing a lot of negative inputs to ruin what we had earlier on. I can never bring back those sweet moments we used to shared, you can never also made me felt the way before. I think when both have come to this stage, we have then learned and choose to let go. I really wish the break up can shape us to be better so that if our path may cross again, we have all the reasons to be together again and who knows, it may developed healthier.

That was what I had in my mind earlier and I wrote that with my assured feelings about us, before you fuckingly ruin every single thing I have for you. I was so wrong about us. Damn wrong. All these while, I have been blind-folded to be with you. Promises you made and things you have done disgusted me so much. I’m so going to take back what I have commented on us before this. Before you actually slept with that bitch. I could never imagine you doing those things to me and hurting me this much. You know what, my heart is broken. We can never be back together and so do the ruined 11 years of friendship. A final full stop to everything we used to have. Do not wish me happiness as I do not need those crappy wishes from you. I can seek for my own happiness and I'm better off without you, this I'm sure.

Redirecting

This blog is not dead. Just that it has been abandoned since ages ago. Massive of random stuff has happened and too bad, sometimes things just can’t be captured wholly in words. I decided then to bury some in mind rather than blogging them out.

I have left my career which I thought I most likely will succeed in, Advertising and design. I’m tiring with the orders and alterations over and over again. Politics and the people. I had enough of all these and it is time for a change. An immense one. I have moved on to Customer Service and Retail Consultancy in Maxis Ipoh. My financial issue is secured after I shifted back to Ipoh. I got to save more and I got to spend more within my means as well. Hehehe. At first, I actually have the fear for myself in switching jobs again as it like a habit ever since the first job I plunged into right after graduation. However, it is going to be 6 months already and I’m relief I’m still employed and would really want myself to enhance my career with promising advancements in Maxis or at least I could polish well of my resume with the years of experience. Many have said I have grown up. I realized this too. Happy-nyer.

Something Extra:
I felt extremely lonely tonight. I just don’t know why. Maybe because “you” are no where to be contacted? Very often you would leave me with heaps of question marks after the phone calls. It makes me longing to know about you even more. Gosh, this sort of feeling is eating me up. Perhaps you shouldn’t have walk up to me and said “Hi” twice even though I turned you down both times.

Hidden

Random thoughts. Mixed up feelings. Felt lost literally. At some moment where I wished you are still mine but still you the one I'll blame for taking away all my fairy tales.

-The Expired Valentine's Pic Update-

I cooked all these. The fruit platter is all plastic. Baby Hamster purposely put that there so it may appeared nicer. He also bought white wine but I don't really favor it and he finished the whole bottle himself. :)

Baby Hamster and my effort! The meal is accepting as the standard are ways beyond my expectation. I CAN COOK! (Whoa to myself!) The marinated grilled lamb chop is my mum's own recipe, as for the spaghetti, I seek advice from my aunt. It helps cut a lot of cost for dining on Valentine's Day. Priceless attemption and I love the feelings but I hated the cleaning part. :(

My Valentine's Gift. Baby Hamster got them all from Penang.

Close-Up on my received flowers. First time receiving fake flowers and it's pretty awesome... At last, I need not to be so heart wrenching that this bouquet of flowers would dried up and dusted in my room.

Close-Up on the Valentine's gift: A love shape pendant with necklace.

I "heart" this alot.

Lastly, a pic of us together on Valentine's.

-Expired Christmas Update-

Dinner at Indulgence. We didn't do any booking months ahead like the others but Chee (Baby's Colleague) invited us along, so we together-gether celebrate lor. This is my second time dining in Indulgence. My virgin try was my 21st birthday. The food was okay but the price damn not okay! But then can't complain much also as I'm not the one clearing the pricey bills. After dinner, we went sing K at ebox. After ebox, we went y2k. Nothing really special. The real meaning of Christmas seems fading. I just celebrated a very-much-pointless-Xmas, so it's not special at all.

My head is BIG...argh!


Merry Christmas


Stupid Background


Damn bodo this two- Baby and Chee


Princess Wannabe

Love vs. Love

Some may have thought this blog was dead. Nope. It is still alive, just that I was too lazy to do updates. Ever since I go jobless, I have endured almost 4 periodical months of dramas. Special dates like Christmas and Valentines’ were very muchly and deeply in love modes. As for Chinese New Year, it was the most catastrophic occasion for my entire life. Baby Hamster was so disappointing and accusing. I could and would never forget for what had happened and what I did to myself in order to obtain faith. I would label that phenomenon as destructive mode. Somehow, the broken pieces were patched back but the scar residues. What left is love; hence we made it to the next pace and stronger we emerged. Be it bad or good, I have really gained a lot.

God's Special Delivery

Went to Post Office Malaysia today to get my special delivery from my wacko friend, Bel. She sent it two weeks ago but it failed to reach me. I assumed either they might have get the wrong add or nobody was at home when the postmen made the delivery. Never mind. The winding up is I got it already. The package is purple in color. Was superbly happy unwrapping the package because I plain love surprises. Hah! She jam-packed everything in a shoe box and she even wrote something on the box.








Carmen,

Just so you won’t be disappointed when you open this box: NO, Carmen, I didn’t get you a $100 pair of shoes which is size 5, brown, despite what the box says. Hope you like what’s inside tho! Sorry it’s so very late!

Signed by Bel


I had a good laugh reading that. She got my angklets fixed as a final point. She may have done so for a year and a half ago. Hehehe. Then my birthday and Christmas present for this year. I received a red-color bag and 9 condoms with 4 sachets of water-based lubricant and the flavor ranges from vanilla, chocolate, apple and my all-time-fav, STRAWBERRY. She even made me a Christmas card with emotive writings. Yes, I am so truly touched! She's the most miraculous friend a.k.a buddy that one could ask for especially in a place like my college, LUCT, despite her too overly artsy fartsy sense and taste. At times, she's like God's special delivery to me. Nowhere to be found...





Thank You So Much, Bel!

Nothing comes free

Didn’t manage to shop manically during my trip to KL as my auntie would be bugging me to death by dropping me heaps of questions… This nice ar? That one now latest fashion hor? Females in KL usually dress up how eh? You think this suit me mou?...On and on till I almost feel like cutting my ears off. Total noise pollution. However, I really need to put up with her as all the expenses are well-sponsored by her and my uncle. So the 3 days 2 nights trip in KL, I only manage to get two tops from MNG and a pair of shorts from Esprit. My uncle and auntie paid all. There's nothing such as free lunch in this world. What some more breakfasts, dinners and suppers that I have chucked dowm to my stomach? I had too many free meals in KL thus I need to repay them by entertaining my superly long-winded auntie. Hehehe. Btw, I did fork out one hundred something in getting my baby Hamster a shirt from Esprit thou.

Taken in LV, Starhill with cousin bro, Juin.


Gucci, KLCC.


a)Hotel Room. Waiting for my turn for shower


b)Still waiting for my turn for shower


Me and the Gigantic Christmas Tree in KLCC

Drop Dead at Teluk Intan

Am blogging my night away at Teluk Intan Inferno cyber cafe now. Accompany baby Hamster to do his card sales there. There isn't any entertainment here at all and the biggest/most happening shopping centres they have here are like Fajar and Billion ONLY. I wonder how people here got to survive. I need civilization. Hamster and I headed down to Langkap today to do blitz (shop to shop) because card users in Teluk Intan almost all "sapu" by others edi. Asking them to apply for cards is like pushing them down to hell. GERAM.

Any-the-way, I was in KL last week with my second uncle and his wife and also my cousin bro, Juin. Had a so-so trip nia. Going to blog about it and upload some pics too when I am back to Ipoh tomorrow night. *hopefully*

Ciao.

Jobless AGAIN

Carlsberg task has been accomplished a week ago. 9 working days out of 3 weeks and only for 4 hours long duration to obtain RM720 is definitely easy money. All I need to do is look around for people who drink Carlsberg and give them lighters as per bucket count then explain about the CLL, Carlsberg re-branding promotion. Ipoh team was supervised by Hamster. I pestered him to work with me. Can earn and can look after me at the same time. How GOOD? Hehe. However, we did argue badly on the first week of job. Things then only get better. Realized this blog is tad bit empty so uploaded some pics taken during Carlsberg event. Btw, i'm jobless again. Turned down Skol Beer for some reasons.

Carlsberg Nite Out







ps: All pics taken in my car. Was lazing during working time, so can't be too revealing taking pics around public area. Hehe.

I left HELL for HEAVEN.

I am so phucking retard that I actually ramp into my dad’s car while reversing mine.
Apparently, I'm jobless for more than a week already. I was supposedly to be superbly blissful that I have left that phuck-up-company-that-HELL-seems-alike but thinking of the cash I need to fork out to get my dad’s car repaired…My mood submerged to the bottomless end.

Accepted two events jobs. One is Carlsberg, another is Skol Beer. Family is extremely upset that I actually going to be a “Beer Girl” for two months. But hey, the cash term is damn tempting and I only work 3 days in a week. All I want is only money. MONEY. Get me? At first, I was pestered by Audrey Ng (rival that becomes friend) to join ICCC’s Calendar Girl. 12 contestants will be selected and their pics will be input into ICCC’s 2007 calendar. RM500 plus freebies don’t seem to harm my emotional and physical needs. So I pestered Karie and ChoyLing to go with me. Karie and I managed to get into final but no such luck for ChoyLing. This whole calendar thingy is so damn unfair. Ugly girls managed to enter final as well just because they brought their whole family to the function and make them pay rm35 per person to qualify for a vote slip. So no point continuing also. Hamster was tremendously upset and thwarted that I joined this sorta thing. Maybe his ex was there as well. Hence I decided to quit from final. Yup. I gave up. RM500 just vanished into thin air. No, I am not sad. Perhaps I love Hamster more than putting my face into a calendar. Hehehe.

Got Hamster a gold ring with my name “Carmen_U” engraved on it as soon as I got my paid from the LG Mobile event. Just have some sort of calling to myself to treat and love him better. I wanted to treasure this man. He may not be The One but I hope he could be The One because I am tired to searching for Mr.Right and I am tired of starting all over again after in the midst of completing the love puzzle. I sense that I am falling deeply in love with Hamster.

Simplified Updates

This blog is so dead. Hasn’t been doing much update since don’t-even-remember-when-it-was-although-the-last-entry-is-stated-clear. See! My brain is as dead as this blog. Any-the-way, think I should get most of my stuff updates in a simplified version.

1. Wyman and I is already a past tense.

2. Skeet and I is the present tense now. (I have yet confirm for the future tense)

3. My 21 bday was marvelous.

4. I nicknamed Skeet, Hamster.

5. I landed in a stupid company as a designer ever since I quit HSBC.

6. I got a car. Myvi.

7. I thought working back in the field I studied would be stress-less compared in doing sales for banking products but I was wrong. Phucking wrong!

8. I have 3 bosses in that stupid company. There are two female bosses who are phucking retards and I am completely wasting my time and talents there. What some more my job requires me to be the office-cleaner, chauffeur, photographer, admin executive, entertainer cum newspaper reader. I hated this job and I hated my female bosses to the max. Stupid psychotic retard bitches!

9. I have no choice but to stay in that company because I need money to pay for my car installments, petrol, services, phone bills, daily expenses, etc.

10. Planning for a job change. Working on it now.

11. Fang took off to UK edi. 3 years duration to complete his degree there. Am expecting loads and loads of designers’ brand from him. *Evil laughs echo-ing…*

12. I spent almost RM1k for Hamster’s 21 bday. Got him a Fossil digital watch, a green tee and knee-long pants from Seed, a collared shirt from Topman, a working shirt from G2000, a blue tee from CK & Jeans, two ties from Topman, a tie from Casserini (very ciplak), two pairs of socks and a boxer from Renoma, Gillette shaving gel, Nivea after-shave balm, cotton buds and loofah. Designed him a lovey-dovey card and another birthday card, which I cursed him to die because he angered me.

13. I’m learning to bake cakes and pizza to “ampu” my Hamster so he would be touched and buy me a new phone as my nokia 3650 is dying.

14. My first attempt in making pizza works. According to Hamster, he is a happy man.

15. Hamster sup out one of his credit card for me. A mistake for him and a bonus for me!


OoOoOoOo…I am so done.

My unforgetable "21st"

31 May 2006
Wyman is a past and I no longer hold any hope that we’ll be back together. It was hurtful to let him go but it was even more hurtful if I didn’t do so. I can’t forget what he had done to me when he wanted to break and coming back to me pretended as if nothing has happened in between. I am selfish. So what? Sue me-lah! I just want to chase for my happiness and now I don’t see it in Wyman anymore so there is no point pushing myself to love someone who only cares for himself. Maybe it’s not this way but he gave me such feelings.

I just welcome in Skeet into my broken life. Life has not been this gratifying I would say. Just imagine accepting someone new and adapting to a whole new relationship after being hurt tremendously by my previous own boyfriend who I love so much. It takes a lot from everything for me to accept anyone new especially Skeet. Not because he is not good enough but the fear of downfall and all the hurts caused by the previous relationship. We have known each other since we were 12 and yet we hardly made it to the good friends stage. “Life is predictably unpredictable”. From our nine years of hi and bye friendship to what we are now has made this phrase a fact. I have never envisaged that we could or even would be together and I guess he is thinking and feeling the same as I do. Am glad I have made the decision. A right decision though. A path to happiness, I assumed. Call me heartless for being able to hop into a relationship so fast but I do feel really contented being with him. After all love is very simple, so don’t complicate it. If both happy and comfortable with each other, that matters most.

This year I had the most vague birthday ever. I was still holding some feelings for Wyman and hoping he’ll be back to celebrate with me though I never had my birthday wonderfully celebrated together with him. It’s more like a final wish to see this happen. On the other hand, I wanted so much Skeet to feed me surprises as he always does so. Human is meant to be greedy at times. Any-the-way, Wyman was back from Johor to see me but he saw Skeet’s car was in my house. The story continues..bla bla bla..and on this day itself, Wyman and I had finally call it over. No turning back. No friends after break ups. Completely ending everything.

Skeet did give me a breathtaking birthday. He gave me a bouquet of sunflowers (My first time receiving flowers from him was also sunflower), a diamond ring, a dinner treat to Indulgence with my best friend, YinTheng and Fang, chocolate banana cake from Secret Recipe and etc. Thanks Skeet for treating me like a princess and making me to fall in love again. Gosh, I love this feeling…and I started to love this guy even more…

The Tragic

William Lee Chien Loon. An old friend who I often meet but seldom talk and soon after I left for KL, we have then gradually lost contact. However, two days ago I managed to bump back into him with his girlfriend in Jusco. Am very delighted to see him there and very naturally we exchanged phone number finding forward for a tea session in the future but I guess God has not allowed this to happen so. Yesterday night, I received a sms from his cell phone claiming that he has passed away and I just replied the sms with a sentence, “Stupid Joke”. Never crosses my mind that the sms is a real fact and he has just left without a word.

Went to General Hospital forensic department today, couldn’t help myself but joined in the crowd crying helplessly. His cause of death is heart failure and I was told he was having his meal and within a split of second, he collapsed and passed away just like that. He is only 26 or perhaps 27. Isn’t life span for him is a little bit too short? Saw his girlfriend there losing herself out and hugging me. It pierced through my heart to witness such a thing. His death has made me treasure life even more especially the people around me. William has laid down a lesson to me…The quality of life. I’ll surely miss him and the long chat we had in front of the phone counter.

Ps: William, I do thank God for the coincidence luck in bumping into each other. Though time and fate has restrained and limited us from expanding the friendship growth but there isn’t a doubt that you will be deeply missed by everyone.

I must have learned to love myself.

Life is predictably unpredictable. Wyman came back for me. I really don’t know how to deal with my feelings anymore. Perhaps in my whole entire life, I held my own confidence too high above and when he uttered the word “break”, I collapsed completely having the feeling of an enormous fall. A total loss to everything been owned and given to me. As I begin to patch up my tormented life, he came back. He assumes we could be back together just like last time. He assumes that the hurtful break off has never happened. He assumes that my hurts has all been cured. All his assumptions did not grant me an assurance anymore. An assurance that I am going to take him back and pretend things will be at its moderate mode. Yes, we are back together but something is missed in betweens. The deep hole inside my heart. The wound that has caused so much pain.

If Keet wouldn’t have interfered into my life, I have no doubts and confusions at all into accepting Wyman back. No one has any idea how painful was I during the breaking off moment. Friends and close buddies did a lot to try to cheer me up and I do really appreciate them with the things they offered me. Time especially. Days and nights keeping me accompany, making sure that I am doing alright. Thanks so much peeps for everything. However in all of all, Keet has took up the extra mile in taking care of my feelings. He’s always just a phone call away. I like the way he cares for me and allowing me to be myself. The Teluk Batik trip was indeed a comforting sensation. Apart from the crying and shouting in the car, I enjoyed the loosen-up sense on the beach. Even the second time I went with him, my sense remain as loose as it may allow but with a little thing in extra. This extra little thing is so dangling with multiplicity of feelings. I may have a little feel or more for Keet. Is him just a bounce back or what? I can’t answer myself this.

At this moment, I just want things to go naturally. No point pushing myself towards the wall and not allocating myself to breathe.

I miss you

It’s not “her existence” but “my attitude” has made the whole relationship sank. He made a decision and that was to break with me. I have been crying everyday and each day I met him I wouldn’t let myself from not kneeling down before him and begging him to stay. From this point, I know he’s everything to me. Done many silly things to keep myself feeling better. Hurting myself was a total fun. The wound added pain into my struggles and yet I even felt better this way. I can’t accept the fact where he wanted to leave and step out from my life. Tears have been washing down my face every single second. I hate going through the pain which I am going through now. Tell you what, it is even more painful when you know the person who cares and loves you the most doesn’t love or care for you anymore. I am not her baby princess anymore. No more sweet talks, no more gushy mushy lovey dovey touchings, no more sharing ups and downs anymore and completely nothing. I miss him and I miss our 4 years of togetherness.