Miss Yew or Miss U?

I "heart" this mms alot. :)

Between needs and wants

It has been two months after the break up; I’m thinking less about Uncle Wong day after day. My mind has been occupied with Heineken at most time! LOL. I’m just kidding. Ever since the break up, I wanted so much another person to take over Uncle Wong’s place so that I could get rid the hurt immediately. I have been constantly reminding myself that I do deserve someone ways better and also the break up is a right decision but I know it is not helping much.

I ended up hurting more guys in my life by giving wrong signals. By believing the fact that I should choose someone who loves me more than I do towards him could bring me total contentment. I did also try to convince myself to commit in a relationship where it could lead to marriage, simply because I wanted to get married. However I was too one-dimensional minded not to think about my own feelings or asking myself, “Is that what I need or is that what I want?”

For the past two months after the break up, I was very closely attached to this guy. He appears to me very caring and never fails to deliver whatever is promised. A complete opposite with Uncle Wong. I thought it is time for me to love less and be loved in most ways. Enough of being a good girlfriend role and it is time to be in control in a relationship just like before (when I was with Skeet). I was so wrong to allow him to my life and giving him a green light. Looking at things now, I really felt shitty. I just feel not that comfortable anymore with him…he is like giving me pressures and demanding for a relationship even though he has never verbally communicating that to me. Or maybe it is really difficult to try to be with someone whom you are not interested into. I know I am being really mean to only think about myself but you have to think for yourself before you could think for others. Am I right?

I think I really have been fair to him as I have told him so many times if I were to be with him so soon…he could only happened to be a rebound and he told me he doesn’t care. Well, so he was someone that I need to ease my hurtful moment and not someone I really want to be with on the long run. At first I do really want a right timing to tell this out to him and how sorry I was in taking him for granted without realizing it. But before I could lay a word on this, like what I have written in my previous entry on the “someone in particular”. Well, thanks for revealing your true self and I don’t think I owe you any apology now. I have enough of you and the embarrassment you given me through other people. I won't forget that.

Pissed.

I really cannot sleep yesterday night. Wanted to talk to someone so much about something I just heard. Wanted to pour out whatever doubts that trapped inside my mind ever since the break up. Most importantly I just want someone to confide in and tell me things going to be alright. I miss the moment I cried myself to sleep while Uncle Wong would have pat me and hugged me. I felt so safe back then but now I’m all alone facing these crappy moments of those things people gossiped behind my back. I’m tearing myself up soon and I am not very delighted to see that happening to myself.


To Someone in Particular.
I don’t need you to take accountability in anything, there’s no spark and I don’t see there is any point we should bring us to any other stage. I did have try to like you and try to be with you but when it come all to senses and feelings…I got none for you. So I decided to stay away from you. Be a nice gentleman and keep your mouth real shut on certain things if just things are not meant to be. If I weren’t told on things I heard about you telling others, maybe we could still be hi-bye friends but looking at the situation now, I really don’t wish to see you anymore in the future. Please don’t bother to contact me anymore, I won’t return your calls or sms. You definitely don’t understand what kind of person I am; when I am pissed…I am pissed.
Note: I am not talking about my ex here. Uncle Wong will never ever do that to me or to anyone.

I really felt like crying ahhhh…Argh! I can’t think of anything now. I need rest. I need a get away but I just wasted RM1.3K on HK flight tickets but it's a right move to cancel the trip and I felt relieved doing that. I don't feel sorry...and I won't. Call me mean and tell others more and more about me...Yes, I am very sad and agrravated now but I know it won't bother me long because life is just too short to worry...

Why am I like that...

Another stupid night where alcohol has drunk my rational thought, I called Uncle Wong again and again. I think he’s very bothered and definitely wanted me to take the whole break up as it’s not the end of the world. He told me he would prefer to see us as very good friends still in future and also living at the moment like this, I think he is just crapping. Sigh…why am I still so stupid to dig up those guts I already buried in the past. Say no to alcohol…please please…

Seriously I have never been like this before. I have never learned to love a man like this whereby I have given all out to him and resulting I left myself deeply wounded. Been reading a book, titled “The rules of Love” by Richard Templar. I enjoy reading that but it is not helping as much as I deliberate it could help. I want a new guy! So I can get over the old one but it's not a good move. Sigh...
How how how how how how how...?

I received a call just now asking me if I remember him, Bruce, then i replied with a "no" and he slowly chunk in some facts whereby I met him during Uncle Wong's best friend's wedding in Syuen, the specky guy who works in Penang and the one and only who brought digital camera to the dinner and took some of my pics. I recalled and bugger...he still not yet send those pics which consist Uncle Wong and I. I found those very meaningless now and yet I still remind him not to forget to send...Hehehe...

Life is all about bitchings

Feeling outright moody today. Sleepy too. I was on the phone with a friend until 2am in the morning and it was really a nice chat till I received multiple sms-es from another friend trying to tell me he’s fucking drunk and heard a lot of negative remarks about me. I ignored the first few sms-es until he smsed again asking me if I may have offended anyone. Sigh sigh sigh. What is the major problem now to have someone gossip behind your back…Everyone gossips…I have so many friends coming to me complaining about their families, pets, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, etc…But never do I for once go back to the another party and tell them that they have just been made as a gossip issue because it is so so so childish and inappropriate. There are friends who do not like you at all and to a great extend, they don’t even greet when they see you and asking me to ditch you off and join them…So? I come and tell you about it? Obviously no, right? So why did you come and sms me in the middle of the night and just spoil my mood like that? You find it fun? I find it very very annoying and disturbing.

I am not really made perfect and to please everyone I meet. I’m just being myself all this while and you fuckingly don’t like the way I carry myself around, don’t get close to me. I don’t need to be told on what to do and how should I do about it. ARGH! I’m getting more and more aggravated now.

Alcoholic

I have been partying hard lately. Randomness of serious thoughts and I just wish I could drown all those away with alcohol…LOL. Okay…I can’t blame it all on that, maybe I just like to drink. :p

I called Uncle Wong back and still have the bad habit of calling him Ah Dear. Sigh. Somehow and someway, I come to know he is attached with someone new but maybe both still wanted to remain unofficial first. I’m glad that he can move on so fast. Okay…I’m actually not glad. My heart aches. But there is nothing can be done anymore, there’s no switch which I could click on so that I could rewind back to where we were…If I just have one my eyes closed for the things he has done behind me, maybe I don’t need to feel what I am feeling now. He told me he doesn’t want to see me this way…weeping over the phone again and talking to him in half-drunk condition. Stupid Heineken!!!

I know I am recovering. It's just a matter of time.

Broken for him

The break up has really left me bleeding out all my confidence and dependence in a relationship. I succeeded for not calling Uncle Wong though I wanted so much to talk to him to tell him how much I miss him after being tipsy every time I went out drinking. I realized under the influence of alcohol, I did not hold back those feelings I still have or left for him. I have let go entirely what my heart wanted to feel and I think I really have put too much in the relationship resulting I’m still trapped within his shadows.

There is none for a single day that he does not cross over my mind…I wanted to control so much on my feelings and my emotions but I failed. Maybe I hope so much for a fulfilling relationship with him than ending our relationship. It’s just out from my reach to chase what I strongly believe in and to hang on what I thought it’s real, and very soon and very much…every thing, my thoughts and my rational moments just collapsed and ended there. Leaving me battling alone and confusing myself whether am I right or wrong the moment I made that decision which is to let go…

My mind tells me that it is so god-damn right of a decision I have made but my heart tells another thing. Why love has to be this complicating or I am the complicated one?