Is it just me?

I was given so much of time and chances to dig up the issue and bring it forward to bf but I didn’t. When I was awake the next day having him next to me, I just don’t feel like spoiling the moment by crying again. I was a little moody in the afternoon when we were at Kinta City Jusco waiting for the movie “Vengeance” to start but I did a good cover up.

I know I can talk through it during evening time when we were cuddling on my bed and also last night where we didn’t go out for any counting down celebration for Merdeka. But I let those chances of telling slipped by…As much as I understand about my own self; I know I can never stop crying again. So, I have chosen to keep quiet and cherish the moment where we could spend quality time together.

Once after once I was determined to leave and decided to give up, but it is also once after once, I realized over and over again, I’m truly deeply madly in love with my bf and I don’t wish quitting is an elucidation. I really can’t find explanations why is it so difficult to control my drastic emotions. At times, I guess it wasn’t his fault at all ever since from the beginning but me.

Fuck.

Feel like crying again. Bf is back, I should be glad that things have finally turned alright...Which I thought we were. However, I just found out AGAIN he's still keeping in touch with his ex. I had enough of being sad and crappy over the ex issue we have been arguing lately. Enough of getting suspicious if they are still keeping in touch. Enough of the whole fucking crap that made me cried for so many nights and start hurting myself ever again.

I just got so fucking lost. Why the pain must be endured by myself once after once...Why can't I have a more proper and trustful relationship? I just want someone that would care for me and my feelings more than anything else. I don't need a 10 carat diamond ring or branded stuff to keep me happy...I just want a boyfriend that would stop doing things that would hurt my in the end. I just want to be happy with him, I don't want to check on his bills again...check on his phone again. It's driving me nuts. It hurts even more when I got to know of things he didn't tell.

I can't find someone I can really talk to, someone who would understands how exactly I am feeling. I cried talking to Keith on the phone. He said he understands how it feels like as he has went through the same thing as well. I don't really get used crying in front of friend that is not so close...it must the alcohol again. Sigh...

Negative Signage.

I have forgotten to bring my iPhone to work today. The feelings can be best resembles as you have just misplaced your soul and yes, it is that serious. August is really a hectic month for work and I foresee next month could be even much worse. I am slowly drowning into the pool of workload which seems forever ongoing and piling up.

I have met heaps of new friends lately from clubbing. Some are real nice people to talk to and some are just crack-minded ones. I always enjoy making new friends but I have a real hard time maintaining the old ones. LOL. However, I do have a handful of besties that haven’t given up on me YET. So, it isn’t that bad, right? A new found friend, Keith Lim, has actually told me that he would be deadly worrying having a girlfriend like me. I don't know how much he has gotten himself to understand what sort of person am I but I took his words seriously... Is it because of my extensive social life that has cause Keith to have such thinking? Must I do something about it?

Well, I slowly feel that LDR is suffocating. I feel like withdrawing from it. Bf claimed that we need a talk since few weeks ago, but when we met up last 2 weeks…He just won’t touch on that sensitive issue. Is he try avoiding the subject and simply thinks that it would be best if both choose to ignore about it since we are already on talking terms and all? I really hope for an answer. At least, not just chuck it aside and assume things will be alright. It’s not. My heart burns when he hugs me because I am too afraid to get hurt once more.

Pondering still

Work has been overwhelming lately. Ever since the conversion to permanent, tasks assigned to me seem to be over piling and I almost choked to death while handling broadband inventory. Luckily I still got my assistant manager, KC, to assist me and also some of the helpful colleagues. During working hours, phone calls and sms to bf has been cut reduced tremendously. Just the other night, I asked him in MSN whether are we okay or not and I got a reply of “wishing we are okay”. So, we are not entirely okay?

I can’t have a solid answer about us. Trapped within fear still and I successfully did not check on his billing for almost 2 weeks, fearing I might break down in tears once more. However, I know as long as I am granted with the access to the system, I will continue to learn more if he will lie again or not. I really hated invading into his room of privacy but as much as I tried not to, I failed just like before. The only way out from this dilemma would be it’s either I let go of him or I quit my current job. It’s like torn between two.
Maybe I should work a way out to be transferred to another department instead?

First of all, is it a right decision to be in relationship again with someone you have lost faith? I can’t prolly answer this myself, if I do, I wouldn’t have given us another chance as well. So sad that I am confused on things I used to be so certain and determined. I seem to have lost all the things I have about us and I really hope, as we go on, I hope we would able to build our relationship based on honesty and trust again. I will be heading down KL later in the evening and we haven't be seeing each other for approximately 2 weeks edi...wondering how's things going to work...Sigh. Am so in doubts. I wanted to be happy but I scare I'll get hurt once more.

They are gone and will they ever return? Sigh...

An impulse to quit blogging has triggered me. I think it’s most prolly those frustrations and hurt I went through lately that have caused this. I want happy posts. I want them as beautiful memories that would never fade in my life, that’s why I keep them in my blog with my writings. I know life has ups and also downs, it could not be well balanced or be perfect all the time but if I am able to make a solid decision, I definitely would opt to be happily being in single life than worrying so much having a boyfriend that would do things that hurt me. But love doesn’t come in sanity. It’s in a package that changes are prohibited.

If people are to realize, all the blog entries are mainly about relationships. It’s about him, him and him and him only. Hahaha. So I find it pointless now to keep up my blog if I am only left with disappointment than contentment. However, on a second thought, I also ponder upon how I could release all those tangled emotions if I were to quit writing out my feelings at my own space. I hardly got loving parents or caring siblings that I could turn myself into or confide in. My family can only be best described as complicated. In fact, I wish they would bother me less.

I guess the closest person to me would be my bf. Looking at how things ended up lately, I can’t be sure of he’s the one I should trust in completely anymore. It’s pathetic, I know. I’m missing those gone moments where I used to trust without doubts. Will they ever return back to me? I just hate what I am feeling now. I can’t define happiness with a clear headed mind anymore. Life sucks. I have finally see him differently, not like I used to and it's sad.

S.H.E 我们怎么了

S.H.E 我们怎么了

落泪以前再看一眼 你模糊的脸
这会不会是最后纪念
我凝视你而你凝视 窗外的阴天
一句抱歉都僵在嘴边
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否住着伤口
我想不透 我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后 是否
能让什么 复活

你的笑脸还在胸前
晃动着昨天
为何回忆会让人晕血
如果我们继续向前走进雨里面
会不会有溶解的危险
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否住着伤口
我想不透 我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后 是否
能让什么 复活

明明从前
连真挚都很甜美
现在怎会
说句话就冷冻一边
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否住着伤口
我想不透
我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后 是否
能让什么 复活
***************************************

Don't know why felt that this song somehow relates to my feelings right now. Certain things really happen out from your prediction and will things ever stay the same? I guess not. :(

Why it has to be like this.

5.55pm
I just got my offer letter from HR on my conversion of contractual to permanent staff in Maxis. Hard work pays off. Finally, I got my so called promotion in black and white. I should be happy with what is offered to me now but I am not. I want back my laugher but I don’t know where to find it. Things I am so looking forward into doesn’t seem to matter now.

I am not okay…Who can I turn to, who can give me a hug of comfort and tell me things will be alright? Who can just protect me from all these pain and hurts? Why do I need to go through all these shit again? I broke down in tears again. Why loving a person can be this painful? Can’t it be a simplified? Can’t it be just you and me? What is all these now? I just want someone to love me unconditionally and not hurting me this way.

I don’t know how to let it out now. I’m really very very very unhappy. My right hand is so damn swollen with bruises and painful now. I don’t know what else I can do besides hurting myself. I don’t like and I really don’t want to injure myself ever again but I just did. Tears can’t stop flowing down my cheeks again looking at the facebook status, in a relationship with Steve Lai. I don’t know how to end it.

I'm such a fool.

I woke up this morning and still I'm crying. What has gone wrong here? Why wanted to ruin those happy feelings I have about us? I don't know what can I get from you anymore. Even you turned up at my doorstep last night, I don't feel touched like I used to. I feel so suffocated. So wrong and sorry for myself. I thought I finally deserve someone better after what I have gone through. But it is not a real thing. What we have at first and what is left for us now?

What have I done not enough this time or eventually is it because I have done too much? I really have tried to be a good girlfriend for you. I don't rant how tired was I during those road trips, I tried to cut down staying in touch wit guys that are after-ing me, I stay at home most of the time and hardly go out anymore, I wanna work my ways in my career to be converted to permanent so I could get a smoother transfer to KL in later days. But I realized it's stupid to do all these because what I got in the end is not what I wanted at all.

Gone nuts.

Joel,

I know you are reading my blog and you asked me if you could help...Yes. Please gather everyone in the center together to poo into a big pail and throw the pail at his ex's front gate, if you could dirty her car...that would be even more marvelous. I will love you to death. I will make sure you will get laid.

HA HA HA. I am actually crying while I'm typing this. I also don't know why. Argh!!!

Oh yar, if there's any left over shit in the pail, feel free to smash it on her face too! I will make sure you get laid with abundance of orgasms! Amen!

Yours truly.
Carmen Yew

I think I may wanted to let go...

You know what is real happiness? It's when you wake up the next morning, having someone dearest to you hugging you and looking at you right in the eyes smiling and followed by a kiss on the forehead. Wonderful isn't it? I feel most loved on a Sunday morning yesterday.

But happy things don't last long. There are as short-lived as fireworks. I felt so lost, so hurtful. Exactly what I was feeling back then with Uncle Wong, I remembered looking at the work pc monitor blankly with tears dripping on my laps. Looking at the phone calls made to unfamiliar numbers and after checking upon it, my heart ached worse than before. I thought I don't need to go through this anymore because my current bf is the best thing ever that could happened to me. We shared almost everything. We compromise what we could so that we can hold onto each other, we have never let distance to be a gap or a serious issue between us. I was so fuckingly happy and wanted to settle down with him. I don't want to look for Mr. Right anymore because I am already having him right in front of me. I even keep telling people how happy was I when I'm with you...Everything is only about you.

But how could you hurt me like this? How could you compromise something that in the end turning to be a justification, which is you just wanted to "test" me. How could you do that hurt to me not thinking how would I feel right in the end...like now. The feelings I have for you is real, idiot boy. I just wanted to check those phone calls made and sms sent, to prove to myself that I have trusted the right person. That you will not keep in touch with your ex anymore which you have promised me. I really trusted you. So much. And I am just ending up hurting myself again and again. I felt like a fool. Once more.

I don't want to fight and I'm not going to fight nor share. I believed I have said enough and said well on things I really hated about. You just fuckingly ruined all these. If you have loved me and only me truly, you would or could have just reject her and not giving chances to her. Stop telling me rubbish. If she is not respecting me as your gf (I don't see it as a healthy sign to stay in touch with the ex when he's already attached with someone new...), then why would you layan her back? It takes two to tango. Why can't you be straight forward enough to tell her that I do mind all the callings and sms and I am not trying to be a jealous girlfriend but a careful one. Why have you chosen to sacrifice my feelings than hers? She dumped you and making you believe you are not a good bf. She even avoided you, making things so painful for you. Why the hell is she telling you now that you are actually indeed a great life partner then? Why one year later? Why when you are attached with me? WHY NOW? I'm not trying to be a terrible gf here but I don't think I can handle such situation anymore. I know I'm always a crybaby and crying will not solve the prohlem...but why shit happens to me?

I hated her so much. What a bitch...but she wouldn't be one if you have taken up the guts intro me to her as your current girlfriend and cut the cord straight with her. No more staying in touch. Just Hi and Bye, I really mean hi-bye here. Things have gone really wrong here and I don't think I can trust again. Once again, you have chosen to do the hurt on me rather than your ex girlfriend. So, do whatever you like and I have enough being an idiotique.

Just as I thought you were the one. I so wanted to die now but I know I will regret about it later. I'm so confused.

25 hours.

25 hours of companionship and that's about it, he's gone again. But I'm totally pampered within that 25 hours. Hehehe. I love the feeling of happily sipping the long island cocktail with a glimpse of tipsiness talking to my bf at Barbeza. It feels like catching up with a really close friend that you could really confide in but of course, he's more than a close friend...He's almost my everything. Driver, Sandbag, ATM, Fubu, Pillow, Bitch, Bestest BF, etc. I can just be my total self when I'm with him and right now on the track, he's making me feel damn loved.

Saw his ex too yesterday night at Houz. Honestly speaking, I don't feel her as a threat to me anymore. Those feelings I used to have, fearing my bf may fall back in love with her once again or they might get back together or something, don't seem to bother me at all. I shared this with bf and he has certainly given me the faith to trust in him completely. Yay...Bf, I love you heaps! But, it is still a big NO for bf to keep in touch with her as I strongly don't encourage that unless he really wants me to be unhappy and damn solemn like a couple of weeks ago. I do agree with the fact that I'm a selfish gf but I'm just protecting myself, I guess. Nothing is wrong, right? Wondering now...hmmph...hmmph...fuck that la. LOL

Apart from his ex, the "him" that I have tried to brush off completely from my life or maybe the "him" that I have bitch-blogged about few months back...Well, he was in Houz too. He tried to say Hi by showing me his third finger and offered me his drink. Sigh, all I felt is awkwardness and things which have happened between us...I still can't forgive and forget. From time to time, I still blame myself for giving in and it is the most stupid mistake I have ever committed to. Argh! If certain memory like this can be erased permanently, then it would make my life a happier one without doubts at all. I wish this would be the last post I will ever mention about "him".

Suddenly I have lost my mood to blog. Damn! Bf is gone too at this time. Double Damn!
Sigh, my mood's flow is so drastic and uncoordinated within just minutes.

Note: 4 times in mere 24 hours. Amazing. Hahaha...Wink Wink