Trapped.

There are moments i wished badly for you to hug me tight and whisper to my ears that i am your biggest achievement in life. Who does not wish for her boyfriend that thinks she is the best for him? Who does not want her boyfriend to be honest enough and sincere enough to love her every single day without fail? I used to have you doing that to me but somehow someway... You stopped. Without yourself realizing it. 

I used to be your biggest catch. I used to be the best one for you or maybe those were times you made me felt i was your everything. You used to text me telling me how wonderful i was to you, how much i meant to you and how my presence has changed your life. Even if we don't get to meet, even if we prefer to hide from the public... Even if we both have yet to be official lovers. We had almost everything. Those strong feelings. Those sweet messages. Those unforgetable moments. And those precious 3 minutes sessions.

And now? Things are not so beautifully written anymore. I would like you to understand me better, to care for me like you used to be. Hence, i always try to make you to listen to my inner self.  But in return, what do i get? That my very own boyfriend being ignorant. 

I dont even understand why am I crying myself to sleep at this hour, knowing you are just right outside the living room watching tv. Because you just wouldn't care. Tonight in particular, you just made me feel i am meaningless to you and both of us are just heading to nowhere. I feel trapped. Trapped in fears and disappointments. Trapped within wastage of time and effort by making believe you are the right one. 

Sometimes, all i need is just an assurance that you are still the old you when you made that decision to make me yours. Are you ever going to settle down with me? Or have it even got into your thoughts if i am the one or just another passerby in your life? I need answers. Solid answers.

When the expectations failed us, a crash is expecting to be met.

Maybe I really over-reacted that day. After putting down all the emotions, I felt almost like a madcap girlfriend who is trying to force her boyfriend to listen and follow to her demands obediently. Even when he apologized, I know he just said it to avoid triggering my emotions to go berserk again.

But seriously I am hurt by his words and actions. All this while, I held my head so high up about myRichard for being the best boyfriend that I am ever had. Everything seems to be so fine; could almost describe as fairytale-perfect and I can never project him that he would talk to me like how he did that afternoon. It was unpredicted to be that hurtful until all the crying, shouting, frustrations flopped in. This is not what I really wanted in a relationship; I am expecting us to be healthy couple that hardly argues. We were doing well at the very beginning but collapsed in the midst. I know it is a norm thing, as all couples in the early stage are always at their sweetest simply because they have yet to discover the real self of the other half and learn about him/her inside out. And now that, we both do.

All I am. Being a crybaby, a demanding person, an ill-tempered girlfriend who tries to seek for endless attention from her boyfriend, have an issue with my mum, drool when I sleep and snore intermittently, lusty and dirty-minded, rude with lingual profanity, stubborn, etc etc etc it’s going to be endless…and as I list my flaws down, I begin to realize that I am the reason why he is reacting at such ways. BUT, he is imperfect too.

All he is. He made me beg him for “da boom boom” session and out of 100 promises, only 5% will be delivered. Mr. Nice Guy…but sometimes he just made me feel, to every single girl also he is that soft spoken and caring. A filial son to his parents but he is also a strict elder brother to his siblings. As months to come, he is hiding so much of stuff reluctantly to share with me. My instinct told me so.

Sigh. I felt we are both going nowhere. He is just too occupied with his career and sometimes, how I wished; he will just manage his time well and spend quality time with me. I do not need a boyfriend to be physically there while doing his own stuff and neglecting me alone in his room. I rather much to have him beside me in the bed and I can hug him to sleep. I feel crappy and all alone even though I know he is just right outside the bedroom door. I am feeling worse about the both of us. I seriously wish for a wake up call before we are hitting a slump.

Im sad.

How do you define love? Or how can we maintain love as at beginning we seek for it? I seem to lost it. I have tried my very best in every relationship to save it from sinking but over the time and experiences I pulled through, i suck. Suck to fulfil their needs or wants as a goodgirlfriend.

I put on my best make up today. Eagerly to go out for lunch and movie catch up with myRichard. But it ended up sourish. I broke down in tears, i vented out my frustrations by hurting myself, i yelled and screamed frantically in his car. All these because he shouted at me, used nasty words on me... even if I did nothing wrong. What has come between us?

Why is it hurt so badly till i behaved such way? What damages have I done to our relationship? I seriously have no idea. Maybe it is not meant for my understanding. But over the year, we both changed. He has changed, so do i. I no longer rest assure if his feelings towards me are as the strong as what we first had, but definitely the ways he used to talk to me or the ways he used to care about me are different. And my tears just wont stop dripping from my face, even at this very minute.


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