"Yoyo" Moment

I have a good chat with Uncle Wong yesterday. No more weeping over the phone and complaining bout the whole break up already. Certain things he asked, I know he still cares. It’s like I can still feel him in my own world but that’s about it. We will never be together again. Such a drama…and it has ended with no happy ending. Guess that’s just life. It’s funny that I still enjoy those naggings from him. It must have been a bad habit he has given me. Oh yeah, I dreamt about Uncle Wong again. I woke up feeling literally uncertain or better said, confused. My feelings are so mixed up, like I no longer can define things that happened between reality and dreams.

John Ooi has said it correctly that I’m in a yoyo stage now. Indecisive in many ways. I guess time is all I need to heal completely and it’s not a bad thing to stay single actually. I will get to do a lot of things which I was prohibited to do when I’m still in a relationship. Not to say sleeping around or having countless sex partners…Just that I won’t clingy anymore and I will have more time to be with myself or with friends and people that I find comfort in. I don’t need to be afraid on things that I’m doing or will be doing would hurt my man.

Well...

Saw his latest bill statement and found out that sometimes people just don’t change. Glad that I have taken the first step and moved out, glad that is over and the happiest thing is I don’t feel my crushed heart that painful moment any longer. :)

I have cancelled the e-billing, whereby Maxis would stop sending Uncle Wong’s phone bill statements to my email monthly. I don’t need to fear what I may found out anymore. I won’t be going to sleep beside a man whom I thought I know him well enough but I actually I don’t. I’m happy for myself. Seriously, I do.

:-(

****************~ Chapter ended ~****************

I dreamt about Uncle Wong again. In fact, it was just last night I saw him in my dream. When we were still together, I hardly catch a glimpse of his face in my dreams but right after the break up I have been seeing him so frequently and for all, those dreams are not the contented kind. As much as I could remember, we were very cold towards each other.
Perhaps I have been overloading my brain with stuff he has done or the silly mistakes I may have done too during the togetherness. I have tried very hard not to think about him and learning to let go completely but I also believe it won’t be an overnight thing. Nowadays I often caught myself thinking a lot, staring at things blankly and think so hard why the hurtful feelings are so hard to be digested.

Thinking back where we have just started, I can never escaped and hide those feelings which are so real and so close to heart but whenever I think about the current “us” now, I felt so sour. There are times I woke up with tears in my eyes. I miss him. I really do. I miss sleeping beside him, I miss hugging him to sleep, I miss the cuddling moment, I miss smelling the lotion I assisted him to apply every time before heading to bed…Basically I miss the “us” back then, before the relationship is scarred. Before the hurtful and ugly things I discovered in him. Am I not good enough for him, have I done not enough? There are tons of questions I don’t understand…Why would he treat me like that? Why we have let go so easily and why we never take any move to defend what we believe in? What have I done wrong…?

Basically, we will never know what have we missed till we lost it. I have chosen to let go and I can never ever claim him back as I have understand he hasn’t love me that much. Well, or maybe all this while I’m just a companion to him that he has never wanted to take serious with. How silly of me to actually believe he’s serious in marrying me and making me his wife. He has cut my faith into believing in the next relationship. I’m so afraid of the downfall I may have faced if I were to have a new boyfriend again. I’m so sick in re-adapting to a whole new relationship and along the way, wasting time and ended up that “Oh well, this man is still not the right one…”

I’m going nuts edi…

Seeing it and feeling it

At one point of time (not that it happens many times), I do have the thinking that I should stay single. Break away from engaging into a relationship for a periodical of time. At least half a year or more, I would say. However, I don’t understand why it is so intricate for me to be single for once. Is it because I do really need attention wholly as I don’t as much as I wanted them?

Okay, I have called it off with Uncle Wong last Friday, dated 23 January 200, almost 2 weeks ago. There are so many reasons to be listed down why are we drifting apart, there are many reasons too that things could actually work out (with the ability to be blind-folded again and again). Sometimes in a relationship, it is just the matter of giving and taking. There’s no balance for both. No one has look good into our relationship thinking the age gap plays an important part. However it wasn’t an issue to me at all. I love this man and I really wanted to get married to him even though deeply inside, I know we will not be in the long run.

It was really heart wrenching to pack all my stuff at his place and moved out. The feelings were so indescribable and even though it’s just a year we were together…it has almost last me a lifetime of happiness. I wished to capture every moment spent in words, making the best of those memories we shared. At most times, I really wanted to tell so much to him on how he has become a part of my life and his family too. I really am going to miss them so much. His mum especially. Although how many fights we have endured, how much heartbreak we have caused each other, I will always remember you. The one that I have really put my heart into. I saw it coming. The whole breakup process...I just thought I won't be that hurt anymore since I have seen it coming but I was wrong. So wrong...

Been crying too much. Sulk too much…and sigh too much…

Carmen Yew,

There’s no point grieving over the loss. If things really not working out, let it go. There are reasons why he is now called your ex. It may hurt and it may not be a little bit but don’t let the hurt turn to hatred as love is a very simple thing from the beginning. No one should have ever been made perfect or mold into perfections. Even you have most flaws that one could find in others and that doesn’t give credit for you to hurt others and for others to hurt you back…

I really need some moments for soul searching.