"January"

You know there is this song called “January” sang by an Indonesian artiste, Glenn Fredly. Speak so much all out of a sudden.

Berat bebanku
Meninggalkanmu
Separuh nafas jiwaku
Sirna...

Bukan salahmu
Apa dayaku
Mungkin benar cinta sejati
Tak berpihak
Pada kita

Reff:
Kasihku
Sampai disini kisah kita
Jangan tangisi keadaannya
Bukan karena kita berbeda

Dengarkan
Dengarkan lagu.....lagu ini
Melodi rintihan hati ini
Kisah kita berakhir di Januari
Selamat tinggal kisah sejatiku
Wow....pergilah

I met Uncle Wong four times in a week already. Twice in person, twice in dreams. Funny dreams though. His friends told me that I am the right person, just which things will and could be somehow better if I were to stay and start afresh with him. Who possibly could do so? Well, at least I know I can’t possibly accept my other half to hurt me in such a way. He WAS a right guy at a very right time.

I have a short talk with him face to face the other night. Plan chat with boring topics and massive naggings again… There are still some certain feelings holding us back that make us talk awkwardly even though we have broken up in January this year (which is why this song speaks so much to me)

What makes me feel more awkward is the way he was looking into my eyes that night…his eyes seem telling me that, what he has for me was real and even until now, be it I am already attached with my current bf or he has been secretly engaged in a new relationship…what we have shared, what we have endured, what we have fought about…we really have given so much of patience and everything with him is real. Even those lies are real…they were told to protect my feelings. If only I choose to see his love this way, maybe I would opt to stay.

But life is that contradictory, it was wrong to love like that. I am not that drunk in being in love, I guess. The rightest thing to be done about us is "breaking up" because I realized I was too tired to love Uncle Wong in the way he wanted me to and he was too tired as well to try loving me in the way I demanded for. With my current boyfriend, I found something in spectacular...that love is not a compromise. You just love because you simply want to and it is unexplainable. And when you love, you would try doing a lot of things for the other half to be happy being with you.

Promises are shit.

Once again, mind torturing. Once again, I went speechless. Remember the promise you made while hugging me in bed? That you will hide no more if your ex contacts you back…even the simplest thing ever, you will let me know beforehand, because you don’t want me to be unhappy. I should have not made myself believe so much in it, I already know that all along promises are meant to be broken especially you, for it has happened too many times and not once or twice or thrice.

The message has been clearly delivered to her, and yet she can be such a disappointing human being. She is pushing my patience off its boundaries and I don’t like it. I seriously hate it. Do I look that stupid to anyone? Or perhaps to her, I don’t appear as a threat or even as your current girlfriend that needs to be respected in so many ways. I felt denied and you are contributing to the damage.

Battling between good and evil

I am unhappy. I cannot just pretend as if that comment has never been posted. I know it was purposely and intentionally written there for me to read. I don’t know why people around him can be so disappointing and so freaking immature and what have I done to them? Absolutely nothing. Why do I deserve then to be condemned and to be judged by irrelevant person in my life? Who do they think they are and what rights they got to do so? I am getting more tired and more tired each day dealing with human stupidities. I remain silent and stay unspoken doesn’t mean I am a person that is easy to deal with. I admit that I am a very emotional person and I have no patience at all, so stay away and stop putting irrelevant comments to try telling me something and yet be enigmatic about it. I know what are you trying to say, I know who are you referring to. I even know you won’t be reading my blog anyway, but I really wanted to tell you…I don’t like you at all and I won’t take time to know more about you so I would like you in the future. I won’t. I don’t mix with dim witted kinds and you are definitely one of it. Tell me I am mean and I know I am. :p

Apart from being damn unhappy yesterday, I still find happy thoughts. Before headed to bed last night, I chatted in MSN with my super long lost Sunday School Teacher, David Hung from Elim Gospel Hall. I used to call him Dai Wai gorgor. 13 years of complete silence from each other, I managed to bump into him in facebook. I really miss him. I remember going to church on Sunday and being taught on bible verses. Choirs and camps…Really brought back heaps of wonderful memories. The most exciting part is he is living in Hong Kong (my most favorite place to be) with his wonderful family and he is now a pastor. Although I have been away from Christianity and off track with him for quite some time, I feel very release and good with someone I could really share about myself, my inner thoughts without being judged, without fearing I said the wrong things…Just in time of need, I found a listener. Just in time of lost, I found hope. Life isn’t that depressing after all and I should really not waste time being unhappy with crappy people. Even if things are ugly, I should only allow myself to be sad, to be frustrated, to be hurt…for a day perhaps? Thank you so much!