Dumb Blonde

I know I have been really unspoken lately in my blog. It seems I have left it dead for a while before decided to drop by again with updates. Sometimes I really can go speechless with my life as myself…I do not know what I want from life or how I want it to be. Every now and then, I just wanted myself to be happy. As simple as that but in reality, it clearly shows happiness does not just happen like that, you need to work for it and you have to chase towards it and do some sacrifices to get the whole of it.

I did the dumbest thing ever. I actually went and sent my bf’s ex a message in Facebook. I wanted her to understand or try to be in my shoes that I really hate the idea of them keeping in touch. So many breakdown moments caused by this issue, so many heartbreaks I need to endure…So much of everything about her that almost cornered me with the urge of giving up our relationship. And so which I did…messaging her in FB, believing we are adults and I definitely can handle this issue myself hoping she would comprehend but right in the end, I just made myself the biggest fool of all. I am just allowing her to have thousand of reasons to condemn me. I was a bit disrupted when my bf told me that he heard this about me. And hey, it is so much of courage to actually click on the tab "send" and very soon, I regretted after the message is sent. Hahaha

The heart ached a little and I am not trying to be too defensive or what…I just thought if he is not making the move to protect me then I should do something to clarify to her. I even apologize to her when I definitely don’t need to…Well, some people are just plain disappointing. There are even more issues about her but I am just trying as much as I could to stay away. To stop myself over-worrying and it is a definite I must learn to loosen my grip and not putting love too ahead of everything. Gam Ba Teh! Who knows one day, I don’t need a man to live on and yet I can still be as happy as ever. :)

Accident.

I have not updated my blog for almost two weeks. Things are alright and filled with excitement. LOL. About few days ago, I just got myself into an accident. I actually rammed into a drain in the middle of the night, about one plus in the morning. I was totally shaken and seated at the highway’s roadside with my phone that has gone out of battery. But luckily things had fallen into places and I got home safely right in the end. The only damn thing is I need to fork out a sum of money. Argh.

Hmmph.

It's 3 plus in the morning now, just finished watching ten episodes of "You're Hired", a HongKong TVB drama series. Recommended by bf. Tummy still feel a bit bloated, I actually finished one Oversea's Shanghai mooncake all by myself.

I don't feel that sad anymore. I mean I still feel things are not completely alright yet but what's important now is...I still want to be with him, my bf, my babyboy, my other half. I don't know how he gotten me into so madly in love with him. Those feelings I have for my bf scared the shit out of me. How a single word from him would create such an impact to my emotions, how a single action he does that would actually made me lost my sanity.

I think I totally lost it when I was crying madly on the phone with him, hurting myself because I don't know how to let out all the frustration, and even crazy enough to have drove all the way to KL to try to work things out on a week day. I'm all good now. We may not have talked through the problem and we know well that we can't just pretend as if nothing has happened, but one thing I am sure of is both of us have been working real hard for our relationship. Sorry for being "too much" at times.

If I only knew the answers...

If I only I don’t need to feel what I am feeling now and if only I could control my emotions very well…Then I can proudly tell everyone I am indeed a happy person. Perhaps I put relationship too ahead of everything that has caused me to be so out of my mind when the fall hit the ground. I have been thinking too much lately, too much of junks that lead me to an almost mental breakdown. I have been worrying a lot too. What is wrong with me now and how am I going to put back myself together and when will I start to learn…Love is not everything?

Is there anyone?

Woke up with swollen eyes and bruises over the hands again. I once again wrapped with disappointment. I guess it is this much my heart can takes. Can someone make this heart pain stop? Can someone just care? Can someone just hold me tight and to show me that you really really love me with all your heart? Can someone just fucklingly bring me away from where I am now? I need a way out before I go and hurt myself again. I really don't like what I am doing to myself lately.