Have there been regrets?

Basically yesterday night, I was reading through the 90 plus posts which I have blogged about since the existence of my first bf up to my most current one, the number forth placing. Yes. I only have 3 ex-s and a current bf. Surprised with the figure? I have many flings in between lah but those are not real thing, at least to me the feelings that I thought was real are just some delusion…The excitement or happiness that I first felt about those men transformed into fear and confusion drastically.

As I read through about those posts specially dedicated to my ex-s, Wyman, Skeet and even Uncle Wong…I have never realized I used to love them so strong and once so deep and Skeet especially. Yes. Those feelings were real and I have never pretended to be someone else when I was with them from the start. However, things change…People change, places change and they won’t and can’t stay forever in place but that doesn’t mean the past has been forgotten. There are always reasons why they are called my ex-s now but I’m glad that I have gulped down the past, be it sweet or sour memories we used to share, I have encapsulated them as memoirs that I choose not to forget.

However in spite of the lovey dovey touching stuff I written about, they still pissed me off every now and then. It’s a never easy thing to have form friendships after break ups but I did- all of them are still in talking term with me. Conversely, on certain time and certain things…barriers still exist.

The 4.5 years, Wyman- I have hard times communicating with my first ex, Wyman, as stubborn as he is…we are now working together under one roof, Maxis. Basically I intro the job to him, I helped him with his resume and even arranged him for the interview. As an ex-gf or even as a normal friend, I have done more than I should. Since we are seeing each other almost everyday, feelings are damn dead edi. We fought a lot still but not on boy girl relationship issue- it’s all about work. He’s still a nice friend to talk with but I just need to be cautious in selecting topics or else, we would end up quarrelling again. LOL.

The 1.5 years, Skeet- Things with baby Hamster is like a roller coaster ride. Damn happy and exciting at first, then the next second can be damn boring and frustrating. Throughout the whole journey, he’s the only one giving and I am the solely one who kept on demanding and taking. Maybe I just don’t love him as much as he did towards me. Haha. We still keep in touch once in a while. Crap a bit but we are so not the same anymore. Our levels of thoughts and mentality are just too huge in gaps.

The 1.1 years, Uncle Wong- What can I say about him? The man who lifted me up to sky high and dropped me off to the bottomless end without mercy at all? Or maybe the man who made me realized the stupidity in myself to actually blind myself and making believe lies are truth? Hahaha. He isn't that bad lah. Our paths crossed and we were couple and every single day and hour and minute and second spent with him, I live without regrets and love without hesitations. I was so real to my feelings about him, I was even looking forward to marrying him and I really really thought life is a definite fairy tale being with him. Somehow someway, we were just not meant for each other. I think through all the blog entries posted about Uncle Wong, it has been a clear cut that our relationship has finally gave up on us and he has given me up. Yes, I fell down and got myself dusted and I'm all alone. I hated him so much at first because I really have given all out to love him. Taking the first step out to move out from his place and having him removed from my life completely was really tough and mind-blowing. Cried like shit every single night, hugging my pillows to sleep and thinking of him which I tried not but failed tremendously. I could still feel the pain now. Seriously. I am not completely healed but I have moved on definitely. He has casted me a shadow of fear to trust. :(
As much as all the hurt he has implemented in me, I will never ever forget the love we used to share. Deep down inside, I know he has once loved and cared for me like no one else did. Not even my parents and not even my ex. Thanks for everything, I appreciate every bits of it. He's a friend still but I chose to avoid for better purpose. :)

:) From one relationship to another, they definitely made me a better person.

No lies, please

Things are getting really great for bf and me nowadays. We have been together for 2 months already, no argument or squabbles yet. This is something to commemorate about. Hehe. I grasp a fact that I am indeed a better gf, or at least that’s how am I feeling now. I don’t rant and complain that much about my bf anymore whenever they do wrongs or they did something that hurt me. Not to say completely none but have been cut and reduced to minimal.

Being in the previous relationship whereby Uncle Wong is 8 years elder than me really taught me a lot. Every morning I made my own bed, I tend to appreciate more on things which have been done specially for me, and I don’t demand that much on unnecessary although I love to “ lau gei” still and forever a crybaby. Hahaha.

I try to avoid being too sensitive in the ex issues as well. For instance, bf just now called me and to tell me that he’s going out for a drink with his ex. As much as I dislike it or hated it, I need to tell myself that he does have his own circle of friends and I should not invade into his room of privacy. His life doesn't just evolve around me, there's more to it. I wanted to trust him whole heartedly and I don’t want to play those mind games like I used to with Uncle Wong. I really afraid of things I may discover right in the end and everything shared and given to me are actually built on lies. Please please please don’t ever lie to me, I know not everyone is made perfect to please others and things we do and done at times might consist disappointments or dissatisfactions, but I will learn to take those positively. Just don’t have the thought that you scare you might hurt me or make me unhappy hence you have chose to lie. That’s the lamest excuse to come up with.

* Bf, I can give you a whole world of freedom but I am expecting a whole world of faith and trust that I could obtained from you. Don’t start with a tiny white lie, it is contagious and very soon, lies will cover lies. That’s the last thing I want it to happen between us. :)*

And so happened to bump into his ex again at night. Yes, am pretty much curious on how exactly he was feeling and thinking to have the current gf sitting in front of him while the previous girlfriend passing by...I experienced that before and it somehow did eat my heart out. :p

Back into the empty room again

Just got home from fun fair with cousins and found out that no one is at home except my caged-up Benji. Even my youngest bro who anti-social, Joe, also went out with mum. Complete silence in the house except for the sound of the spinning ceiling fan. I quickly made my way into my bedroom hoping to chat with my bf for a while. As I pressed for his name in my cell phone, then only I remembered that he has went out with colleagues to Thai Club.

Sigh. I should have not ffk Eugene to go out for a drink with the gang earlier on. The emptiness feeling is back to irk the inner me again. I think I’m just very much used to meet my ex everyday leaving me to have the habit of being clingy and now with my current bf, I am learning my way to cope with the LDR issue. I really understand that he has been trying his best and throwing in whatever effort he has to come back Ipoh just to meet me and spend time with me almost every weekend. It hurts at times to see him juggling between his work and me…hence I don’t mind myself travel to KL to meet him instead. After all, he is worth all these.

BF, if so happen you are reading this, I really wanted to thank you for loving me and learning to take good care of me. You are damn cute on the phone just now by calling my name in your half-drunk tone. Missing you heaps already although I know I will be seeing you tomorrow’s night.

Pre- Birthday Suprises

Just as I thought bonus was so little this year, I was so wrong. Upon my contract renewal, I got in total of 3.5 months bonus in my pay slip. I nearly went bonkers looking at the e-pay slip from my HOTS account today. So triply happy that I could finally shop till i die! But cannot! Almost half of the May's salary should be paid off to my credit cards payment, my insurance installment (monthly i am paying RM650...CRAZY SHIT), car installment, dad and mum and granny and my brothers too, etc. I have too many commitments and so little boyfriends to ease my financial burden. LOL.

Well, I have a pre-birthday celebration with my colleagues this year at K box. It's a complete rare thing as I don't normally celebrate my birthday with anyone but my boyfriends (Okay, they are all my ex now) and also my best friends, Yin Theng and Qian Fang only and both of them now are just too occupy with themselves…One with family and one still stuck in UK. I’m still glad that there are people who would just fork out time and effort in making me happy. Many many thanks to, Eliza, Melissa, Clara, Crystal and also one my ex, Wyman, who turned up in the end. Though it's not something big but I do enjoy the gathering session. Hahaha. Love you all heaps! Yay... I also got to choose my own pressies...


miniatures shower gel from The Body Shop


baby tee from Guess


Points to note: The pre-birthday celebration isn't a surprise but the bonus paid is!

I haven't got the pics from Eliza so no image upload on the sing K's moment for now.

My Maxis My Way

I have just done a presentation today on an open topic of “Customer Satisfaction”. Only a few know by how stressful I was for the past two nights burning midnight oils for preparing myself for the talk and also to work on the slides so that they look presentable. FYI, I don’t have enough time at all for this assignment. Being awake at wee hours like 4 to 5 am is not a rare thing, I used to do that during my college days and what I can’t expect is that I am still doing that during my working life.

However, I’m all good now. Presentation is over and I assume it went pretty well and even much much better than I expect it to be because my boss ended my presentation with a word of compliment. He said Excellent instead of it is fairly good or just plain good. Muahahaha. He wanted to sell me to the management; in another word, he is actually trying to convert me to a permanent staff upon my employment contract renewal which is tomorrow. I was told I don’t need to go through all these hassles if I were to accept the offer earlier by transferring to KL. In Northern region centers, conversion from contract to permanent could take up 5to 6 years of tenureship with Maxis and Central region offer more as the turnover is high. Management is strict so I don't want to pressure myself so much and slap myself with disappointments. So I can only hope for the best to happen.


This pic is taken last year in March. Don't know where the recent pics went...Missing those less pressure work ambience back in Maxis Jalan Kampar. How time flies...


My best buddy @ baby...It is not easy at all to have someone that could click so well with you and have so many things to share or gossip even after working hours. LOL.Yeah, "us" still clad in our uniforms...

Some answered queries

My employment under Maxis is based on contractual renewal annually. In fact, I am going to be renewed as a customer care consultant again for the second time which marked a verity that I have worked for Maxis for two whole years already and counting on. I still remembered going to work in Maxis on the very first day, those kan-cheongness feelings as I am not originated from customer service field. Fearing that I may not cope well and the drastic job changing again but then to see where I stand now, I have positive answers to all the queries.

Everything changes so much. Being in college and being at work, it has surely draws a huge difference in life. Unlike college days where I can chose to be ignorant on certain things and at the current working life now, I have learned so much by taking accountability on all the things which I have said and done. By looking back, then only I have come to a point that I indeed have grown so much. I don’t mean by my body size..Okay? It is about my mentality-wise.

I even gained more in relationships; I know the importance of proper communication between partners than just throwing tantrums. With all the previous relationships that “tak jadi-jadi”, I am still able to commit myself wholly to another new relationship which I think I really need to salute myself on that.

Empty Room

I thought I won’t be meeting bf this weekend as he got some test drive event going on at his work place but I did. Not in a good cause though.My maternal grandma, Gu Po, (My grandfather has two wives! She is the second one as my grandma, Po Po, is the first wife) has passed away on Wednesday in KL and she was suffering from cancer since year 2006. It wasn’t much of a struggle to her as claimed by my godmum, the deceased’s daughter. Hence I need to be in KL to pay for the last respect and assigned to fetch my mum and her siblings back to Ipoh as they travelled down a day earlier than me.

Just got back to Ipoh about 5 hours ago. Tiring trip…but I really enjoy meeting up with my bf although I’m very much engaged with the funeral stuff and all. If every chances is given to me to be with my bf, I think I definitely would opt to go for it. I don’t know what both has compromise or done, it just that I could feel eagerness inside the both of us that we just can’t get enough of each other and the feelings just grow stronger each day. Perhaps only me lah!

Here am I now blogging my night away, back to Ipoh, back to my own bedroom, lying on my own bed with the only companionship of my stuff toys and pillows…Felt a room of emptiness tim. Really miss having him beside me before going to sleep and waking up the very next day. It’s like he is ever ready there for me, be it physically or mentally. How I wish for the moment where I am able to have him with me all the time but I strongly believe that sweet moments don’t last eternally. I have always hated changes and I don’t want to lose whatever I am having now. Both…him and my feelings.

Dumb or Smart?

Another awesome weekend has just spent rightfully. Took a bus down to KL and have my bf to pick me from the pudu station. He bought me Krispy Kreme donuts! We went for the Angel and Demons movie at Pavillion. The movie is a film adaptation of Dan Brown’s novel and to be truthfully honest, I think how the story was told in novel is so much nicer.

Bf has showroom duty on Sunday, so he dropped me off at KLCC for me to meet up Jason Chan for lunch. I made Jason borrow me his Futurama DVDs. LOL. Yup, I’m a fan to it but not that fanatic though. He put those DVDs into a red paper bag that marked “Inner Secrets”; I think he did that in purpose! Went for a short walk and window shopping until 1 plus before I decided to follow bf back to his showroom and rot as Jason needs to rush home for his presentation slides. The lunch we have in Chilli’s was a bit heavy, not only the portion but the topics we shared. Thus I always have issue going out with smart people, they always made sound and look like a dim witted which I apparently I think I’m not one, am I? Note: I have a dumb bf thus we lead a very happy life!

Candidly, my bf is not blessed with good looking features or a well-built tanned body with six packs but there is something I can’t deny about him. It is the little imperfections that complete the whole of him. I may have better options in finding a richer boyfriend, a boyfriend that stays nearer and can keep me accompanied for 24/7, etc, but he is just being himself from the very beginning and the guy who I enjoy being with since Day One.

As bf wanted to go back Ipoh for some sales follow up, I need not to take bus back and have horribly tiring hours traveling in bus. Along the journey inside the car, we talked a lot about our ex. It’s funny that we still have so much to share about our ex because when we first met, I was already very excited and told him almost every single thing about me and Uncle Wong and he also showed me pics taken with his ex in Bali and chatted a little about her. But i seriously need to thank his ex for dumping him and also Uncle Wong for hurting me. If not, we won't be where we are at
now...So is it a bad thing that we still have the ex issue running around our minds or a good thing that we are open enough to share about everything and our ex now won’t affect a thing to what we are having now? I hope we are on the good side of it. I always hated feeling low and small if comparisons are made between the ex and me.

*********************************


My bro lansi me with his newly tattoo-ed leg. No respect langsung! His tattoo look so common and so ah beng type lah.


I tattoo-ed myself using parker pen while waiting for bf to finish his work


This has nothing to do with whatever i just blogged, just that Eric got me these strawberries and brought them to office on Monday and claimed they can cure flu. See...people really think I'm dim witted. But the strawberries damn jeng...Thanks wei!

Yours truly

Obviously I didn’t mention at all that I bumped into Uncle Wong last two weekends in Kinta City Jusco, right? So, I did. I was at the entrance waiting for my bf for his ciggie session then saw one helluva figure with well-dressed lady clad in white walking by, then suddenly Uncle Wong emerged from behind and to find out that girl actually came with Uncle Wong. I called his name out and Uncle Wong somehow looked kinda surprised and replied me with a “Hi” awkwardly. I bet he’s trying to hide something from me. The girl, perhaps?

Well, this entry is not to tell how happy I was to have actually met up Uncle Wong by coincidence or how sad was I to see him dating other girls…But but but…A thing I am proud of myself now, that I don’t seem to really bother about him and I don’t throw questions after questions to myself about the both of us any longer. Hooray!

What can I say about and my current bf now? At this very moment and this very second, I can be proudly to say and maturely to tell him that, I do love him heaps and I am not ashamed or afraid in conveying this fact…

PS: I LOVE "AH BOU" VERY MUCH TOO...LOL

One month plus plus jor lu...

Specially dedicated to my bf, Laikokkeong :)

So, we have been together for a month plus plus “jor”. I really have seriously thought of staying single and mingle around for at least half a year before committing myself to another relationship. I have also told myself for the zillion times ever not to allow myself to fall hopelessly in love ever again. I have even been contemplating to only start a relationship when I think I have finally got all over Uncle Wong…I wanted to make it fair for my another half to own me completely. It sucks when you are with someone whom you may love dearly and that person actually still stuck with the ex shadow and issues which will make you insecure at all times.

Liking you at the very first place is not something I choose to be, the feelings just came very naturally and very much uncontrollable. But then, I have chosen not to avoid the fact that I really like you and decided to take risks being with you. Yes, I have qualms in believing and committing again in this thing called “relationship”, I feared so much of hurting you and you hurting me as well. I have uncertainties too that Uncle Wong has not been totally removed from my mind and life and it is close to impossible to have someone erased from one’s life completely. It could be the same to you towards your ex. You may also have her crossing over your mind every now and then, right? Some more you have taken almost a year to recover from the hurtful break up and that also not completely healed, right? I am still struggling and learning every single day to allow myself to love without cautions as like my all time fav-phrase…Let’s keep “love” as simple as ever…Do not dilute the purest out of it. But we humans are the complicated ones and through us, our acts and actions have cause love to have its complexities.

I won't give you any promises but I will try my best to do my part like what you have been doing all this while to make me happy...

Hugs,
Me with doubts still.

This was actually written on 07 MAY 2009 and was kept as draft on my workplace pc dekstop until today. I'm a slacker in almost everything. :) Yes, certain things never change.

No second thought. :)

I made a very impulsive decision. After my yoga class today, I drove straight off to Medan Gopeng to purchase to and fro KL bus tickets from Plusliner. Without much hesitation some more. I think I really miss him more than ever. Love the feelings to bits... :) I don't need to wait for two weeks to meet my bf, in fact I'll be going to meet him this coming Saturday. Even though it's only going to be a mere 24 hours meet up but I care not.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Can’t agree more with this. I tend to miss and often caught myself thinking about him at most times. That feeling makes me want to be with him and well, I do wish I could be with him every single day. My bf is back for the weekend and as usual, happy moments passed way too fast and now he’s back to KL again. Sigh…Knowing that I won’t be seeing him for almost two weeks as he is scheduled for showroom duty this coming Sunday really makes me feel terribly depressing.

I really thought of making an impulsive decision to get myself transfer to KL so I could be with him. In fact, I was offered for a promotion and needed to be transferred to Maxis Centre Sunway in KL. I rejected that because I’m financially tight down with my commitments and also its way too sudden. To be honest, I really did scare myself for having such a thought. Luckily it is only contemplation and not an immediate action. If I were to do so, it has proves something significant which is, I really really in love with this guy which I try not to. I’m not trying to go against my own feelings but I really fear of the downfall. The broken heart, the tears, the scars…I never wanted to go through that heartbreak again!

I am too afraid to lose with what I have got now which is him. Too afraid to love unconditionally that I will get hurt in the end. I know love shouldn’t be this way but I am just too afraid that I may fail in this relationship too…My inner guts is eating me inside out. I don’t want to be involved in any fruitless relationship anymore as it is a total time wastage, I also know that sometimes things may not work out exactly we wanted it to but I really wish I could find someone who worth being together.

A MMS my bf sent last two weeks, spot the fading rainbow? Why every beautiful things is so short-lived, huh? And because of that, we tend to appreciate more, don't we?

Money matters

Mum suddenly threw me a question yesterday night asking me if I’m already attached. Isn’t it obvious that I have brought him home to stay overnight? I felt a bit offended, it’s like my own mum have doubts on me whether I am speaking the truth or not. I’m not a person that would simply bring guys home because I understand well the consequences of the guys may know too much about my dark secrets. Lingerie lying everywhere in the room, excessive of clothes jam-packed in limited space inside the wardrobe, boxes of cards and letters ever since primary, etc and there’s only one word to sum it all…messy bedroom. What some more it’s a GIRL’s bedroom. LOL. There’s even someone who offered to clean up my room for me- it is the lamest excuse ever to come up with. He just wanted to get into my pants and I ain’t that dumb.

Work has been over-piling lately; I have been thrown back to service counter rather than being a greeter in Maxis. Hence, need to do a lot of follow up cases, handling complaints, billing disputes; calculating waivers…I seem to find back interest in my job. Or at least I don’t feel like changing to any other jobs at the moment. Looking at the global market now, Maxis is impacted in some ways. I am earning less compared to the previous year whereby boss has been disapproving overtime submission, bonus I received didn’t made me go “whoa!!!” but “hah???”, no increment, etc. All this while, my financial is always okay. I got to spend on whatever without much contemplation or consideration. Maybe I have boyfriends (they are ex now) who seem to pay for all my expenses. Every month I have excess of cash to spend on unnecessary but lately my financial is so tight.

Ever since I chosen to be single and moved back home, I need to fork out a lot of money for my family. Sometimes I do get fed up with their demands, if I have the cash I don’t mind giving but it won’t hurt for you people to go out and earn some money to contribute to the family as well, right? I just wish that my younger brother would come to the senses that I am not an ATM machine and he really needs to find a steady job with a proper pay than just being a leech sucking out money from my mum and I. Dad also should cut down on his drinking expenses as money doesn’t flow in as easy and much as old days, I really hated it so much when family argue over money issues which is like now, my own family have so many heated arguments on this issue. So disappointing and lost at words. I was ignorant before this simply because I was staying with Uncle Wong. I also have thought of moving back to KL since current bf is there but I know it will only make the matter worse. Sigh…Enough of bitching about my family, unlike friends or boyfriends which I can choose to keep or let go, family should be the closest bond to oneself so I just got to accept the fact and live with it. Luckily I am a girl still that I need not to support the family ENTIRELY...Being a self-centred me could just buried my head down and flee from problems as always. I think I really need to buck up on self responsibilites and change for good...


My family (This pic is taken on Dad's last year birthday- dinner at Kampai 07/11/08- The only family shot after so many years back)

The Weekend Date

Another 28 hours being together…As exactly like last weekend, the period of time being together is so coincidentally same. I seem to fell in love with weekends more than anything else already. We try to chunk in every single thing couples would do in that particularly 28 hours…trying to compensate those weekdays where we don’t get to be together. Last weekend we went for Sam Poh Tong, this weekend we took a walk at Pologround. Sometimes both feel very out of mind ending up places like these but I guess it doesn’t matter that much as I really enjoy his companionship. We even took sticker photos at Kinta City Jusco and yes, we have problems operating that machine thingy…

The randomness’ stuff:
• cuddling moments in my bedroom (he sneaks back to see me, so sweet!)

• barbeque at Fei Sam’s house (he scolded me there…I shall remember that)

• watched a movie “Wolverine X-men” and he tripped and nearly fell

• his ugly side outside my house (LOL…I know his dark secrets jor)

• Super Kinta’s pork chop rice

• taking sticker photos together (It has been ages ago since I’ve done that)

• Baskin Robbins (I asked for Chocolate, they gave me Mango Sorbet. Aduh!)

• camwhore-ing in his car and he purposely stopped the car for me to snap pics

• took a stroll at Pologround (he promised me kite-flying during his next trip)

• disco prawns (he complained I don’t peel the drunken prawns for him)

• Sidewalk’s ice cream (eventually he brought all his girlfriends there before)

Reminiscing these blissful moments made me misses him much more than ever. I can’t believe that I can be so happy being with this man. It’s like another fairy tale dream where you wished you never need to wake up at all. Yes. Love should be this way. No hesitations, no complications and no questions, it should be as simple as ever…but back to the real fact, all these only happens in the beginning of every new relationship…hahaha. So sad but true.

I want my bf ahhh!

It’s already 2.30 in the morning and here am I, in my very own space of blogging. Prolly about two hours ago, I ended the MSN conversations with my bf and a couple of friends thinking I do need enough rest for work later at 8.45am and also hoping I could get up at 6.15am for gym with Kensim. However, looking to a point that I am still wide awake now…I so going to be a walking corspe. LOL

Keeping a distance relationship is really a challenge. Although KL and Ipoh is only distant with a 2 hours drive, it is still a matter that he can’t be with me whenever I wanted him to be. Every day I have been waiting impatiently for weekends to come so that I could meet up with him and spend time together. Luckily there’s still internet connection that we can webcam and MSN. Or else…I would kill anyone who tries to block every opportunities given to meet my bf. Sounds desperate and freaky, right? Well, just kidding la.

I really miss my bf. 16 more hours to go for my bf to come into my sight…The clock seems dead and how I wish I could fast forward the time to 6pm and stop the time from ticking once he’s back, so I need not to let him go back to KL again on Sunday…I will have to wait for another weekend to come again for the next reunion. So sad case, right? But maybe because of the lack of meet up opportunities, we tend to appreciate each other more. Is it a bad thing or a good one now? Tell me please…

The Meet Up (with the parents) OMG

The weekend spent is somehow magical…28 hours of bf companionship to do all sort of stuff. That’s really sweet to have both actually fork out whatever time has permitted us to be together. Like I have said, I don’t mind staying at home doing completely nothing as long as I have him beside me. I have been waiting for the weekend to come anxiously as I haven’t been seeing my bf for the last two weeks and the feeling (missing someone terribly) is so unexplainably awful. Finally, he’s back to Ipoh for 28 hours long.

I brought him home without a proper introduction to my parents. LOL. Still need some time for them to digest on my previous broken relationship but I believe time would allow them to know my bf better. For better causes, I don’t plan to tell my parents entirely about this new guy because I just don’t want them to feel that I am hopping into fruitless relationship all the time. Furthermore, it is only a month of togetherness so it’s still a pretty early stage for anything to be affirmed.

He brought me to his parents as well, we went for breakfast together and it was some sorts of surprise meet up so I am not mentally-prepared at all. Besides, I used to go for breakfast on most Sundays with Uncle Wong’s family and now I need to re-adapt to a new family culture. I am afraid I could not deal with that. The way that I carried myself around has been accepted by Uncle Wong’s family but it may be not to my current bf’s family. Sigh. On the brighter side, bf doesn’t come back KL every single day so things might be just alright. (Crossing fingers)

Like my usual self, I doubt a lot again. What if this relationship turns sour like those previous ones...what if one day I just stop loving this guy anymore, what if he has done something terribly bad to the relationship, what if we found each other not suitable and not meant to be together right in the end, what if this and what if that...Too many rubbish questions awaiting for stupid answers, huh? I guess the most that I could rationalize and think of is...I am happy, truly happy, being with him.

Laikokkeong,
Thanks for being a wonderful you and I wish along the way, we will be as happy as before. From the start right till the end, be it we will end up being together or be it we will go on separate ways...I only wanted to cherish every second spent with you. I want you to be the every reason I put a smile to my face. :) Guess what, I enjoy reading your love letters written by your first ex. Hahaha. Funny but somehow those feelings she has trying to convey to you were once so true-felt and so beautifully written in chinese. Love the breaking up letter too...Hahaha. Not to forget your teenage pictures that you have shared and thank God I only get to know you now with your current look. Kekeke. However, the most crucial point is I wanted to thank you whole heartedly for giving me the "heartbeat" that I have longed for.
:)



His "kan-chan" look that I like alots. Sorry bf, that I have uploaded this photo of yours without seeking for your permission first and since you already put this as your profile pic in Facebook, I expect you to have actually quite like this photo, hor? LOL

The Difference of the Past and also the Present

It is so funny that yesterday Uncle Wong rang me up and called me by my full name, Yew Carmen…The calling has been so stranger-like. I replied with his full name as well, Wong Kin Foong. I used to call his full name when I wanted to tease him over something and vice versa but now the calling of full name seems very bizarre to me. As much as I could remember, ever since the break up he has never bother to call me in order just to ensure if I am coping well with my life after moving out from his place and so forth and this time he called simply because he needs a favor from me. As expected always. The funniest part is I dreamt about Uncle Wong yesterday night right after I received that phone call from him in the evening. In the dream, he was sent to jail and I was so heartbroken to see him in such condition. When I woke up realizing those are just dreams, I laughed myself silly to have actually dreamed what I just dreamt about. However, it has been quite a while Uncle Wong visited me in my dreams. Not happy also geh...

Yayyy, tomorrow I will get to meet my bf already. In fact, last week I was in KL and spent a weekend with him at his crib. This time, he would be taking public transport back to Ipoh to meet me. Being in a distance relationship is not something I wished for as I am pretty much a person who enjoys clinging to her partner at most times, even if staying at home doing completely nothing, I don’t and I won’t mind...as long as I know he’s there for me, be it physically and mentally. Even a hug of comfort also need to wait ah...Sigh Sigh Sigh

Just like before, I enjoy every moment of spent with Uncle Wong- waking up real early in the morning to wait for him to go work so I could lock the doors and arm the house alarm for him, waiting for him to get home from work, having dinner together with the family, spending time chasing those HK TVB drama series, going to bed together and sometimes if he’s in a good mood, we would do some pillow talks and the routine would just go on and on repeating by itself. I missed those moments but I am not seeing that as a loss. But an one way ticket to a whole new chapter in life- which eventually leads me to him, my bf. Can't say much as my bf is still very new to me...what I know now is I am happier than before. I may not get back those moments with Uncle Wong but I know I will have more happy moments being with my present bf and more to that, the feelings are eventually growing deeper each day. The only thing that pull down the happiness moment a little is I don't get to see him as often as I wanted to...I don't have him to accompany me for dinner or movies whenever I want and feel like it. I can't have him to be by my side physically. Sigh...Anyway, I am sure one fine day I will have all the time I want being with him. I hope he feels the same way too...It will be super "sien" if only oneself feels this way as it takes two to tango, right?

I'm very happy being with him all the time, those sort of happiness are so unreal...It's like you are too happy and you just lost at words in describing those happy feelings...I can't stop laughing whenever I'm with this guy. He's not a funny and outspoken type but I just can't explain why I laugh so much being with him. He must have think that I'm high on drugs...No, I'm not. Hehehe...




I wanted to upload some other pics with him doing the peace sign while holding my stuff toy but I haven't got the guts yet and he doesn't allow me...Hahahaha

Silly but happy

As expected from every single friend of mine. I am attached again. I was wondering how to break the news to public without showing sign of jumping too soon into a new relationship again but I guess when it happened, it just happens. I have written enough of excruciating phase that I have endured for the past two months, I really have enough of those restless nights sleeping alone and heart wrenching moment whenever Uncle Wong crosses my mind. I love him and I still do but I also believe as time passes by, these feelings will not grow stronger anymore than before…it will only left to be faded away because to conclude on the break up, both has thought of the consequences carefully and decided to end it rightfully. Although I never have a chance to talk to him seriously on how both felt about the current “us” who have parted, I could see and feel that we have swallowed the hurt and moved on with new lover we find comfort in.

Note: Not entirely moved on but gradually, alright?

Actually I have been drafting this blog entry for almost a week already hoping I could find the precise words to say about “him”, my bf. Yet, I still have the hardest time ever to tell how we gotten to know each other and getting together as a couple. It seems he just appears out of nowhere and we have this special chemistry towards each other, the next thing that happened was a sequence of heavy-partying and pubs hopping in Ipoh which followed by a tipsy night drive back to KL and a clear-headed evening drive back to Ipoh. The many many days and nights of sms-ing and phone calls but the confirmation of being in a truly coupleship happened at the hotel’s balcony in Penang. It was so silly but I do remember every bits of it. We are distant by a 2 hours car drive on highway and we only get to meet during the weekends and that also have to depends but it’s good to take risks as you will never what you will truly get by the end of the day. Of course, I wouldn’t want history repeats on its own…hence I dare not to hope much. Really feel afraid falling in and out of love for so many times and Uncle Wong has really put a severe damage into core values of honesty and trust in relationship.

Well, I know the description about my bf sounds very confusing and our story is told in a mass of mystification. Let it be that way as I believe I am not in a conscious state of mind when typing this now…Yes, I’m in love once again. I wish I could share more but I am just too sleepy to continue…hehehe…I will have more to tell, no worries... :)

The first step away

I did not get back with Uncle Wong, don’t get me wrong. Although it has been always a wish to have our paths cross again but I know it deeply, the word forever and honesty have already sunk into the deep sea of infidelity. Love without the purpose to be eternally and love without honesty, it has no values to be called true love already. But in reality, how many can meet their real true love and accept your partner’s flaws or imperfections without a single moment of doubt?

It has already been two months plus we have parted, I finally met Uncle Wong in Zenzo last Wednesday by coincidence. All this while, I worried so much on how my reaction would be if he suddenly turned up in front of me… I thought I would try my best to hide away from him and cried at one corner or I felt very shitty till I wanted to leave the place almost immediately but I didn’t. I smiled at him. I furthermore did walk up to him and whisper to his ears before leaving that I loved and hated him so much. I still got couple of things at his place which I wanted back badly. My comforter set…my yoga mat, my Motorola V6 pc cable and hands free…I also finally got them all back on Saturday morning. Considered that I won’t have any valid reason or excuse to call him anymore…

Be it by fate, I bumped into Uncle Wong again at Barroom on Saturday night again. We smiled and when his eyes met mine, I don’t feel the pain that much anymore. It hurts a little but I am feeling alright. I realized I am accepting the fact that he’s no longer my dearest. I also don’t want to waste any time even a second to feel lost and upset at something there’s no longer holds any substance…I may not have move on entirely but at least, it means something. I have taken my first step away from the painful period of time.

untitled

I am blogging now at "his" place and so many things I would like to share but I just don't know where should I start. I wanted to capture so much of my feelings right now and put it all in words but I know I can't deliver much of the exact feelings and emotions I am enduring now...I guess the painful moment has finally ended.
:)

Miss Yew or Miss U?

I "heart" this mms alot. :)

Between needs and wants

It has been two months after the break up; I’m thinking less about Uncle Wong day after day. My mind has been occupied with Heineken at most time! LOL. I’m just kidding. Ever since the break up, I wanted so much another person to take over Uncle Wong’s place so that I could get rid the hurt immediately. I have been constantly reminding myself that I do deserve someone ways better and also the break up is a right decision but I know it is not helping much.

I ended up hurting more guys in my life by giving wrong signals. By believing the fact that I should choose someone who loves me more than I do towards him could bring me total contentment. I did also try to convince myself to commit in a relationship where it could lead to marriage, simply because I wanted to get married. However I was too one-dimensional minded not to think about my own feelings or asking myself, “Is that what I need or is that what I want?”

For the past two months after the break up, I was very closely attached to this guy. He appears to me very caring and never fails to deliver whatever is promised. A complete opposite with Uncle Wong. I thought it is time for me to love less and be loved in most ways. Enough of being a good girlfriend role and it is time to be in control in a relationship just like before (when I was with Skeet). I was so wrong to allow him to my life and giving him a green light. Looking at things now, I really felt shitty. I just feel not that comfortable anymore with him…he is like giving me pressures and demanding for a relationship even though he has never verbally communicating that to me. Or maybe it is really difficult to try to be with someone whom you are not interested into. I know I am being really mean to only think about myself but you have to think for yourself before you could think for others. Am I right?

I think I really have been fair to him as I have told him so many times if I were to be with him so soon…he could only happened to be a rebound and he told me he doesn’t care. Well, so he was someone that I need to ease my hurtful moment and not someone I really want to be with on the long run. At first I do really want a right timing to tell this out to him and how sorry I was in taking him for granted without realizing it. But before I could lay a word on this, like what I have written in my previous entry on the “someone in particular”. Well, thanks for revealing your true self and I don’t think I owe you any apology now. I have enough of you and the embarrassment you given me through other people. I won't forget that.

Pissed.

I really cannot sleep yesterday night. Wanted to talk to someone so much about something I just heard. Wanted to pour out whatever doubts that trapped inside my mind ever since the break up. Most importantly I just want someone to confide in and tell me things going to be alright. I miss the moment I cried myself to sleep while Uncle Wong would have pat me and hugged me. I felt so safe back then but now I’m all alone facing these crappy moments of those things people gossiped behind my back. I’m tearing myself up soon and I am not very delighted to see that happening to myself.


To Someone in Particular.
I don’t need you to take accountability in anything, there’s no spark and I don’t see there is any point we should bring us to any other stage. I did have try to like you and try to be with you but when it come all to senses and feelings…I got none for you. So I decided to stay away from you. Be a nice gentleman and keep your mouth real shut on certain things if just things are not meant to be. If I weren’t told on things I heard about you telling others, maybe we could still be hi-bye friends but looking at the situation now, I really don’t wish to see you anymore in the future. Please don’t bother to contact me anymore, I won’t return your calls or sms. You definitely don’t understand what kind of person I am; when I am pissed…I am pissed.
Note: I am not talking about my ex here. Uncle Wong will never ever do that to me or to anyone.

I really felt like crying ahhhh…Argh! I can’t think of anything now. I need rest. I need a get away but I just wasted RM1.3K on HK flight tickets but it's a right move to cancel the trip and I felt relieved doing that. I don't feel sorry...and I won't. Call me mean and tell others more and more about me...Yes, I am very sad and agrravated now but I know it won't bother me long because life is just too short to worry...

Why am I like that...

Another stupid night where alcohol has drunk my rational thought, I called Uncle Wong again and again. I think he’s very bothered and definitely wanted me to take the whole break up as it’s not the end of the world. He told me he would prefer to see us as very good friends still in future and also living at the moment like this, I think he is just crapping. Sigh…why am I still so stupid to dig up those guts I already buried in the past. Say no to alcohol…please please…

Seriously I have never been like this before. I have never learned to love a man like this whereby I have given all out to him and resulting I left myself deeply wounded. Been reading a book, titled “The rules of Love” by Richard Templar. I enjoy reading that but it is not helping as much as I deliberate it could help. I want a new guy! So I can get over the old one but it's not a good move. Sigh...
How how how how how how how...?

I received a call just now asking me if I remember him, Bruce, then i replied with a "no" and he slowly chunk in some facts whereby I met him during Uncle Wong's best friend's wedding in Syuen, the specky guy who works in Penang and the one and only who brought digital camera to the dinner and took some of my pics. I recalled and bugger...he still not yet send those pics which consist Uncle Wong and I. I found those very meaningless now and yet I still remind him not to forget to send...Hehehe...

Life is all about bitchings

Feeling outright moody today. Sleepy too. I was on the phone with a friend until 2am in the morning and it was really a nice chat till I received multiple sms-es from another friend trying to tell me he’s fucking drunk and heard a lot of negative remarks about me. I ignored the first few sms-es until he smsed again asking me if I may have offended anyone. Sigh sigh sigh. What is the major problem now to have someone gossip behind your back…Everyone gossips…I have so many friends coming to me complaining about their families, pets, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, etc…But never do I for once go back to the another party and tell them that they have just been made as a gossip issue because it is so so so childish and inappropriate. There are friends who do not like you at all and to a great extend, they don’t even greet when they see you and asking me to ditch you off and join them…So? I come and tell you about it? Obviously no, right? So why did you come and sms me in the middle of the night and just spoil my mood like that? You find it fun? I find it very very annoying and disturbing.

I am not really made perfect and to please everyone I meet. I’m just being myself all this while and you fuckingly don’t like the way I carry myself around, don’t get close to me. I don’t need to be told on what to do and how should I do about it. ARGH! I’m getting more and more aggravated now.

Alcoholic

I have been partying hard lately. Randomness of serious thoughts and I just wish I could drown all those away with alcohol…LOL. Okay…I can’t blame it all on that, maybe I just like to drink. :p

I called Uncle Wong back and still have the bad habit of calling him Ah Dear. Sigh. Somehow and someway, I come to know he is attached with someone new but maybe both still wanted to remain unofficial first. I’m glad that he can move on so fast. Okay…I’m actually not glad. My heart aches. But there is nothing can be done anymore, there’s no switch which I could click on so that I could rewind back to where we were…If I just have one my eyes closed for the things he has done behind me, maybe I don’t need to feel what I am feeling now. He told me he doesn’t want to see me this way…weeping over the phone again and talking to him in half-drunk condition. Stupid Heineken!!!

I know I am recovering. It's just a matter of time.

Broken for him

The break up has really left me bleeding out all my confidence and dependence in a relationship. I succeeded for not calling Uncle Wong though I wanted so much to talk to him to tell him how much I miss him after being tipsy every time I went out drinking. I realized under the influence of alcohol, I did not hold back those feelings I still have or left for him. I have let go entirely what my heart wanted to feel and I think I really have put too much in the relationship resulting I’m still trapped within his shadows.

There is none for a single day that he does not cross over my mind…I wanted to control so much on my feelings and my emotions but I failed. Maybe I hope so much for a fulfilling relationship with him than ending our relationship. It’s just out from my reach to chase what I strongly believe in and to hang on what I thought it’s real, and very soon and very much…every thing, my thoughts and my rational moments just collapsed and ended there. Leaving me battling alone and confusing myself whether am I right or wrong the moment I made that decision which is to let go…

My mind tells me that it is so god-damn right of a decision I have made but my heart tells another thing. Why love has to be this complicating or I am the complicated one?

"Yoyo" Moment

I have a good chat with Uncle Wong yesterday. No more weeping over the phone and complaining bout the whole break up already. Certain things he asked, I know he still cares. It’s like I can still feel him in my own world but that’s about it. We will never be together again. Such a drama…and it has ended with no happy ending. Guess that’s just life. It’s funny that I still enjoy those naggings from him. It must have been a bad habit he has given me. Oh yeah, I dreamt about Uncle Wong again. I woke up feeling literally uncertain or better said, confused. My feelings are so mixed up, like I no longer can define things that happened between reality and dreams.

John Ooi has said it correctly that I’m in a yoyo stage now. Indecisive in many ways. I guess time is all I need to heal completely and it’s not a bad thing to stay single actually. I will get to do a lot of things which I was prohibited to do when I’m still in a relationship. Not to say sleeping around or having countless sex partners…Just that I won’t clingy anymore and I will have more time to be with myself or with friends and people that I find comfort in. I don’t need to be afraid on things that I’m doing or will be doing would hurt my man.

Well...

Saw his latest bill statement and found out that sometimes people just don’t change. Glad that I have taken the first step and moved out, glad that is over and the happiest thing is I don’t feel my crushed heart that painful moment any longer. :)

I have cancelled the e-billing, whereby Maxis would stop sending Uncle Wong’s phone bill statements to my email monthly. I don’t need to fear what I may found out anymore. I won’t be going to sleep beside a man whom I thought I know him well enough but I actually I don’t. I’m happy for myself. Seriously, I do.

:-(

****************~ Chapter ended ~****************

I dreamt about Uncle Wong again. In fact, it was just last night I saw him in my dream. When we were still together, I hardly catch a glimpse of his face in my dreams but right after the break up I have been seeing him so frequently and for all, those dreams are not the contented kind. As much as I could remember, we were very cold towards each other.
Perhaps I have been overloading my brain with stuff he has done or the silly mistakes I may have done too during the togetherness. I have tried very hard not to think about him and learning to let go completely but I also believe it won’t be an overnight thing. Nowadays I often caught myself thinking a lot, staring at things blankly and think so hard why the hurtful feelings are so hard to be digested.

Thinking back where we have just started, I can never escaped and hide those feelings which are so real and so close to heart but whenever I think about the current “us” now, I felt so sour. There are times I woke up with tears in my eyes. I miss him. I really do. I miss sleeping beside him, I miss hugging him to sleep, I miss the cuddling moment, I miss smelling the lotion I assisted him to apply every time before heading to bed…Basically I miss the “us” back then, before the relationship is scarred. Before the hurtful and ugly things I discovered in him. Am I not good enough for him, have I done not enough? There are tons of questions I don’t understand…Why would he treat me like that? Why we have let go so easily and why we never take any move to defend what we believe in? What have I done wrong…?

Basically, we will never know what have we missed till we lost it. I have chosen to let go and I can never ever claim him back as I have understand he hasn’t love me that much. Well, or maybe all this while I’m just a companion to him that he has never wanted to take serious with. How silly of me to actually believe he’s serious in marrying me and making me his wife. He has cut my faith into believing in the next relationship. I’m so afraid of the downfall I may have faced if I were to have a new boyfriend again. I’m so sick in re-adapting to a whole new relationship and along the way, wasting time and ended up that “Oh well, this man is still not the right one…”

I’m going nuts edi…

Seeing it and feeling it

At one point of time (not that it happens many times), I do have the thinking that I should stay single. Break away from engaging into a relationship for a periodical of time. At least half a year or more, I would say. However, I don’t understand why it is so intricate for me to be single for once. Is it because I do really need attention wholly as I don’t as much as I wanted them?

Okay, I have called it off with Uncle Wong last Friday, dated 23 January 200, almost 2 weeks ago. There are so many reasons to be listed down why are we drifting apart, there are many reasons too that things could actually work out (with the ability to be blind-folded again and again). Sometimes in a relationship, it is just the matter of giving and taking. There’s no balance for both. No one has look good into our relationship thinking the age gap plays an important part. However it wasn’t an issue to me at all. I love this man and I really wanted to get married to him even though deeply inside, I know we will not be in the long run.

It was really heart wrenching to pack all my stuff at his place and moved out. The feelings were so indescribable and even though it’s just a year we were together…it has almost last me a lifetime of happiness. I wished to capture every moment spent in words, making the best of those memories we shared. At most times, I really wanted to tell so much to him on how he has become a part of my life and his family too. I really am going to miss them so much. His mum especially. Although how many fights we have endured, how much heartbreak we have caused each other, I will always remember you. The one that I have really put my heart into. I saw it coming. The whole breakup process...I just thought I won't be that hurt anymore since I have seen it coming but I was wrong. So wrong...

Been crying too much. Sulk too much…and sigh too much…

Carmen Yew,

There’s no point grieving over the loss. If things really not working out, let it go. There are reasons why he is now called your ex. It may hurt and it may not be a little bit but don’t let the hurt turn to hatred as love is a very simple thing from the beginning. No one should have ever been made perfect or mold into perfections. Even you have most flaws that one could find in others and that doesn’t give credit for you to hurt others and for others to hurt you back…

I really need some moments for soul searching.

Lost and found and lost again...

It’s already 9.30pm, and here am I, still in the office doing some backlog and also assisting my colleagues to check status for registration while they go night market hunting for sales. Work has been over-piling with sales figure, individual service rating, etc. Sigh, am still wondering how far I can grow with Maxis now. It has been a year and a half I’m stuck with Maxis; I must say this job is the longest one right after graduation and somewhere somehow I feel that myself being too comfortable with the job. In fact, I’m not moving anywhere forward in term of my career. Is this a good sign or bad that I begin to settle down? Or am I just wasting time here in Ipoh whereby bigger cities like KL or Singapore could offer a better future? It seems that these never ending queries are back in action again and they are like a recorder as the questions and thoughts are playing non-stop in my pea-sized brain.

Relationship hasn’t been any good either. We squabble a lot. And I really whine a lot. From the things he does to the words he says, I’m just not satisfy. Maybe because of the little hole or a tiny crack he has planted earlier to my heart. It still hurts every now and then. Sometimes I think he has difficulties communicating to me and I find the same towards him. I really dare not to expect anything from him, I have been pushing myself very hard to learn to love him less but I think I failed tremendously. I just can’t put Uncle Wong off my mind even if it’s just a second and I really hated myself for this. Would someone be nice enough to aid my feelings and thoughts by showing me a path that would close all the uncertainties?

Ps: I’ll be going to Hong Kong in December with Eliza. I can’t wait for the moment. The moment of “Shop till you drop!”

Fyi, this pic has nothing to do with the blog entry at all, just that I love how myself is portrayed. LOL. Camwhore-slut kaw kaw....Hehehe

When sanity is gone.

01/08/08
Will someone who claims that he will love you and you only by all means suddenly just go out and flirt with girl or girls without your knowledge and yet he will still treat you super duper nice and hold your hands when both go to sleep? I was grasping for air when the heart that I have given out to Uncle Wong for many reasons and is threw against a glass door. It was broken ONCE AGAIN. Badly broken. I don’t even dare to pick it up and validate if it could be patch-up back or not. I’m not hoping him to treat me like a princess whereby all my words are commands nor am I pushing him off boundaries to make things go my way.

I really have given my heart out to Uncle Wong. Love with him is unlike those I used to have. I always want to “manja” with him. Every night before going to bed, I’ll kiss him on his cheeks, chest, forehead, hands, belly, etc almost a hundred times and I demand the same from him then only I’ll doze off. We hold hands when we sleep and I love rubbing his belly and resting my head on it when we have pillow talk. I also love waking up having him beside me. He has given me my utmost happiest moment of life. However, at the same time I also seem can’t understand the happiness around me are so short-lived.

I cried for the whole morning, he called to say sorry. Once he got back from work, he hugged me tightly and said that the rest are just flings. Unreal thing. Unlike me, he wanted to be serious with. As helpless as I am, I accepted the happy-for-now-worry-later sort of apology. I think something is really wrong with me. It’s just so not me. Not in a way whereby your man can be two times being unfaithful and yet you can forgive him. Be it forcefully or not, it doesn’t seem to matter. Big SIGH...

Uncle Wong,

When will you stop tormenting my feelings and emotions and love me for real? Would you stop all these heart-wrenching hurts and scars that you have implement in me? I think I'll be going insane one day by loving you more each day which I don't intended too and I just can't explain why I keep on falling into you.

Your girl.

Sweet Getaway...

It has been almost been three weeks I’m back from the Redang trip with my babies from workplace, Eliza and Joanne, and also another new colleague whom I barely close to. Fun trip yor, we got the squeaky funz from snorkeling and the amazing blue sand discovery that only could be seen during the nights. Not to forget to mention about the meal buffets of breakfast, lunch and dinner at Laguna Redang Island Resort, an all-sponsored trip by Maxis.

Joanne said that the whole vacation thing is like incomplete without the boyfriends around as there are so many romantic thingy could be done together, e.g walking on sandy beach holding hands, discovering blue sand together, snorkeling and so much more. However, I see Redang more like a making out getaway place. Can have so many different spots to make love. Different ambiances and different moods. I told that to Uncle Wong and he just laughed me silly. :p ( blerks!)


#Our killing pose at the love circle at more-more tea inn

#My baby Eliza and I

#Cacated pose

#Group picture Take One

#Group picture TakeTwo

#Ah Bee, Baby and Ah Boo

#Another group pic

# Aha..and another one!

#Sweet looking sluts!

#Babes...More and more of me and my baby Eliza

******************************

Once again after my trip from Redang, I discovered UncleWong has lied to me again. While I was away for my vacation, he text-ed a girl's number from Thailand proclaiming he misses her. Yes, I felt fuck'up literally. So much of disappointment once again. What some more, he actually bought a Digi number so I could not trace a thing about them...He's getting smarter

-to be edited soon...

Helpless biatch= ME

Uncle Wong has not been the most promising boyfriend ever. All this while, I have committed myself wholly to him knowing and believing he’s the same towards me. From the very first second to where we are now, there’s not a single doubt he’s not real or true to me. This feeling of assurance he has given me, I treasure every bit of it. I was shaken a bit at first when I know he has been keeping in touch with a girl quite often as I glanced through his itemized billing. I confronted him and once again I believed in him that they are just friends and the girl he’s calling was going through some matters. I don’t want to make myself turning into some psycho biatch that would 24/7 check on her own boyfriend. I don’t want to repeat on the same mistake like I used to, whereby Wyman was suffocated by my immature and insecure actions. So, I trusted him and not wanting to know more if he’s lying or not.

For Uncle Wong, I really wanted to give all I could as I believe we can take it to the next level. Marriage. But he has broken the trust and faith. He just smashed them right against the walls, leaving me with total disappointment. I discovered a pack of condom with only two rubbers left yesterday night and he just returned from his trip to Thailand. I felt fucked up. Completely. How I wished he would lie to me or smart enough to actually not bring back any evidence that would found by me. How I wished when I confronted him, he would lie to me and tell me it’s not exactly what I have in mind. Since it’s not the first time this happened, I thought I could do it like the first time by allowing myself not to believe my sight. But I can’t. I felt helpless. I cried non-stop and he’s just there sitting down looking at me. I don’t know if he’s laughing at how stupid am I or maybe he could have been feeling regret by now.

He has hurt me so much more and deeper in all ways than all of my ex-s did. However, I realized even though it’s a half a year relationship but I have love him more than I have loved my ex-s. I eventually forgave him. I know deeply he would hurt me again and maybe the next time could be ten times more heart wrenching than now. Yes, I’m stupid and I’m helpless too.

Days of acceptance

I went for Air Asia Cabin Crew Interview two weeks ago and I got it. But I turned that down in the end. Lots of people have been asking me then why bother going for the try. I don’t know that myself, perhaps been getting a lot of negative remarks from my family. Grandma especially. I kept on asking Uncle Wong should I accept that offer and he just wouldn’t want to tell me how he feels inside. Later on when I broke the news to him, he’s happy that I choose to stay.

Besides, I don’t know what happened to me lately as I seem isolating myself from others. I used to go out so often and suddenly I just quit the habit of clubbing and reduce my yumcha sessions with the rest. Every now and then, I just stick to Uncle Wong, would only follow to wherever he goes. If the activity doesn’t include Uncle Wong, I would then make it short and simple and left as early as I could so that I could go meet my Uncle Wong. Like damn sticky glue…I confronted Uncle Wong on this issue and he just laughed and replied me saying it is a signage that I’m ready for marrying him. DUH!

Then in a more serious tone, he actually means what he said. I, on the other hand, just acted dumb. I still need more of everything to really commit wholly to Uncle Wong. He’s a great guy that could and would take really good care of you but the lack nesses of romance have almost killed all my dreams and fantasies. BIG SIGH! I’m still trying hard and harder each day to allow myself to learn to accept the fact that my current boyfriend is UNCLE Wong. LOL.




*When we were still shy towards each other...Hahaha. I damn pretenciously innocent at that time and he also damn pretenciously cool. We have grow to learn about each other more and more. Both find each other very annoying now...

*The ducky smile he abducted from me. I'm spreading real bad virus and posion to him as what he tells me all the time. e.g he's not behaving like himself. Good or bad now?

My sense of security although he's busy solving the sudoku and left me alone cam-whoring kaw kaw.

Till then...

I pushed the boundary whereby I chatted on the phone with Skeet for 2 hours. Never had we chatted for this long except when he’s in the courtship for me and also when we were still together, there’s no need to be on the phone for long as we would meet every single day and night. He asked me out for dinner on Thursday night, something like a farewell dinner as he’ll be transferred to KL for promotion but I rejected him. I really don’t see a point there to meet up whereby I don’t and won’t even care anymore things about him. I may appear very cold here but it’s not a bad thing that I have entirely moved on with my life and wholly over him.

I do miss our moments of togetherness. The silly and funny things we have shared, the touching moments that made me in tears, the stupid fights we endured. It’s all now encapsulated and sealed. I will not grieve over the loss as it has brought me to Uncle Wong. My new found happiness. I know I’m such a bitch but who are not when you deeply understand that there’s no turning back and the hurt has gone too immeasurable deep due to the previous one.

Skeet,

I know you are reading my blog. Whatever things you heard from others, be it exaggerated or modified, somehow it holds 35 % of truth. I’m not blind folded with hatred, but the things that you have done and “that one thing” in extra has made me comprehend better I deserved a lot better than you. I’m pretty sure family and friends around you would have told you the same thing too and they are right about it. So, move on and make life worth living and if possible let it be random. After all, there's no such thing as one can never live without another person. We may have cause pains to each other but we have also once loved so real and so deep. Let it all be memories like you have said. About the question that whether you will be invited to my future wedding or not, no certainty. Who knows I may ended up not married. But fuck that, I'm so not going to let that happen to me. Till then, take care in your future undertakings...

Jampi-ed kaw kaw

I lost my phone again. This time is my Motorola V6. Think I have either left it in the hospital yesterday when Dad is admitted due to gall stone surgery. All those precious photos gone. Argh! Need to get a new phone soon but I’m in financial crisis at the moment. Feeling extremely fucked up. My Sony T-10 digital camera has decided to die on me two weeks before I lost my phone. How can one’s luck be this bad, as if i kena jampi-ed. *Screams hysterically*

********************

*Wanted to post this up earlier but ended up in draft for days (05/03/08)

I woke up this morning feeling predominantly in love. Thanks for giving me this feeling, Uncle Wong. Thanks thanks thanks! Nope, Uncle Wong did not bombshell me with a 10 carat diamond ring and asked me to marry him nor he bought me anything good (he’s a person that won’t spend on less-practical stuff, remember?) There’s just something about him that I don’t know how to sum all in words. I felt loved. Deeply. Thanks once again.

Scars

I remembered how I used to be so crazy in love and I lost my sanity at all times. My ex-s all were very much disturbed with me on this issue. I would want things to go my way all the time and if they refused to give in, I would then try crying and hurting myself and also tormenting them. Abusive relationships as a whole and I’m sure no guys would love their partner to be behave like I used to. Is it because of I’m spoilt since young, like how Dad and Mum give me almost everything they could and I can never stop asking for more?

I definitely would leave a deep mark in their hearts (Wyman and Skeet) and I’m pretty sure they have never met such nuisance girl like me and the worst part is they had me as their girlfriend. Time frame with Wyman is 4.5 years long, as for Skeet, it was only like a roller coaster ride as we only manage to maintain for 1.5 years. Well, I’m growing up and I really do. I used to hurt myself badly whenever I failed to win over an argument with the ex-s. I even cut my wrist so that I could obtain all the attention I ever wanted and also I want them to listen and shut up. Pretty mad, right? I scared myself too when this becoming a habit. A real awful one. I even have the habit taking photos of my bleeding wrist. How crazy can one be?





Okay. Pathetic, right? Just wanted to post this up so it could be a gentle reminder to myself how stupid and sick I was back then. It was all good now although my wrist is scarred as I'm truly glad I can control my emotions ways better than before. If I ever wanted another relationship to sink, I can try doing this again. Desmond Wong (The newbie) can never accept this fact as he's always the mature kind and to handle me and having me as his gf, he's already half dead putting in efforts. Slap me bitch if I ever going to repeat this sickening act in order to hurt myself and him. So it's going to be a big no-no...Everyone learns from mistake and I thank God my mistake doesn't cost me my life as I'm still able to revert on this.

ps: will update V's day post in a few days time.

Romance no more.

Valentines’s Day is approaching and in fact, it’s just tomorrow. Still remembered clearly how year 2007 Valentine’s was celebrated. In fact, the celebration was so superior as the memory is still fresh in my head, every second, every minute, every hour and all of those moments. However, I can never quit reminding myself there’s always a price to pay when one has been betrayed. No matter how much I love about romance, I would need to stand on the ground and be real. The word “perfect” doesn’t come in a complete package. You could have all the romance you want but you can never get assurance in your love life where you will be treated right. So what could I asked for? Nothing. If I were to least expecting for things to happen, I think I can be a happier person that way. Or at least, I learned this from my fall.

I’m attached. I know some have even put a bet on me stating that I can never be single for more than a month of two. It’s so true. Dad isn’t that happy with me as he believed I should have take some time off and mingle around than committing myself into another relationship almost immediately. I understand how he actually feels for me as I can really go insane if I’m deeply into a relationship. I can’t agree more with Dad but sometimes when the feelings are so bizarre, you would need to take the step to venture in it and see if it’s work. Hahaha. Easy said, right?

Well, the newbie Mr.BF was one of my customers from Maxis. He came with his supervisor one fine morning, signed up a phone deal and left. There’s no chemistry at all. Just a norm transaction likes others and he did come to Maxis after that for 3G settings, which I just assist accordingly. Things started to slope in was when the day I broke up with Skeet on 17/11/07, I met Mr. Newbie BF at Sincero entrance and somehow he asked for my number and I gave him a sour lemon to suck but I did offer a lil bit of comfort stating that I’ll contact him instead of vice versa, which I really did. The whole process of courtship is really short and simple but things seem to be really steady. Like tremendously steady. He’s 8 years older by difference. I know I can totally forget about romance being with him. Simply because I think he’s a very much practical person. A whole new beginning to adapt and to learn, I would say. Let's cross fingers and hope that I need not to go thru another heartbreak again and even if i do, i really have nothing much left to say...

Gone.

Yup. I have broken up with Baby Hamster. He’s no longer my baby and I wouldn’t want that calling anymore. I don’t know when it all started when the hatred has gone so strong but it was all good as I don’t want to have any connection with him at all. From my tone, I’m pretty sure everyone could guess it was a pretty bad break up. At first, it wasn’t this bad. We were still in talking terms and still care bout each other. (Maybe it was just only me having that wrong assumption). I do admit I have played a huge role in sinking this relationship. Tons of things I have done that have broken the trust and the faith he has for me but this doesn’t mean I’m allowing to be betrayed.

Dear Mr. Cheng,

Thank you for loving me for 1.5 years long. I thought you are such a rare find where you have unconditionally love me with my rather much arrogant and sick attitude as commented by others. The gifts you have showered me almost made in tears as you always said I deserve the very best from you. The memories we both shared since 12 years old up to how we got attached. As we grow to see each other’s flaws, we learned to accept those and after accepting yet we argued on those also and then we learned to accept again. Endless times we have fought and yet we have endured once after once. I know the thought of giving up is running in our minds very often, it’s just that both still wanted to try to pull through. Our relationship has lost its spark and I can’t deny I am allowing a lot of negative inputs to ruin what we had earlier on. I can never bring back those sweet moments we used to shared, you can never also made me felt the way before. I think when both have come to this stage, we have then learned and choose to let go. I really wish the break up can shape us to be better so that if our path may cross again, we have all the reasons to be together again and who knows, it may developed healthier.

That was what I had in my mind earlier and I wrote that with my assured feelings about us, before you fuckingly ruin every single thing I have for you. I was so wrong about us. Damn wrong. All these while, I have been blind-folded to be with you. Promises you made and things you have done disgusted me so much. I’m so going to take back what I have commented on us before this. Before you actually slept with that bitch. I could never imagine you doing those things to me and hurting me this much. You know what, my heart is broken. We can never be back together and so do the ruined 11 years of friendship. A final full stop to everything we used to have. Do not wish me happiness as I do not need those crappy wishes from you. I can seek for my own happiness and I'm better off without you, this I'm sure.

Redirecting

This blog is not dead. Just that it has been abandoned since ages ago. Massive of random stuff has happened and too bad, sometimes things just can’t be captured wholly in words. I decided then to bury some in mind rather than blogging them out.

I have left my career which I thought I most likely will succeed in, Advertising and design. I’m tiring with the orders and alterations over and over again. Politics and the people. I had enough of all these and it is time for a change. An immense one. I have moved on to Customer Service and Retail Consultancy in Maxis Ipoh. My financial issue is secured after I shifted back to Ipoh. I got to save more and I got to spend more within my means as well. Hehehe. At first, I actually have the fear for myself in switching jobs again as it like a habit ever since the first job I plunged into right after graduation. However, it is going to be 6 months already and I’m relief I’m still employed and would really want myself to enhance my career with promising advancements in Maxis or at least I could polish well of my resume with the years of experience. Many have said I have grown up. I realized this too. Happy-nyer.

Something Extra:
I felt extremely lonely tonight. I just don’t know why. Maybe because “you” are no where to be contacted? Very often you would leave me with heaps of question marks after the phone calls. It makes me longing to know about you even more. Gosh, this sort of feeling is eating me up. Perhaps you shouldn’t have walk up to me and said “Hi” twice even though I turned you down both times.