Impulse with restriction

I can’t be possibly made any decision which is considered as a right one. I desperately need a change in my life. My working environment and job field especially but then I realized, it is a very much tough decision. I most likely going to drop tomorrow’s interview in KL. I have not been doing financially well lately and I got myself pretty stuck with the credit card debts and installments. I could not possible to go jobless or underpaid for quite some time until I managed to save back the amount of money I have lost within these few months. I should really control well of my spending habit. Sigh. I know I wanted the job that I am going to interview but I really can’t. I guess I just need to wait. Patiently wait for the hurricane in my savings account to be unwavering then only I could bring myself to else where. Yes, this is sad. I hate being broke. Extremely gor jek tim... Hehe

So it is indeed 3 whole months I am staying single. There are moments where I was so desperate to be in a new relationship so that the newbie can take over my ex but it is such a wrongdoing. There are in jiffies too where I have been trying too hard to find for my Mr. Right who seems almost never existed. I tried to convince myself with all the lies I told myself too. Pathetic, hor?

The obvious gap.

Super duper tired now. Yesterday went for badminton session until almost 2 in the morning with David Chin and his group of friends. Super nice although I suck so much playing badminton.

KF has called and informed he is back from Hong Kong. I can’t seem to find a conversation topic to talk with him; hence we ended up the phone conversation somehow very brief. He even called when he is back to Ipoh but both didn’t suggest for a meet up on the very night. I guess he has finally comprehended what I am trying to convey to him about I am not rushing into any relationship and stop doing pushy things towards me which will result negative responses. If not, he definitely will call and wanted to come and look for me straight off.

We didn’t really keep in touch so frequent during his days being away. I guess he is not much a calling or texting person, because even if he’s around…his call and sms rate is very low, sometimes it almost takes him two hours to reply one single sms. This is also one of the reasons I found that we don’t “click”. I don’t feel the instant magnetism between us, like what I used to have with my ex. I think I miss my ex boyfriend in so many ways and sometimes, the heart still ache about it. I can never do anything to redeem the lost. I know I should stop mentioning about the ex-boyfriend and just bloody move on. At times, I felt I managed to do so but the bad auras will just pop up out of nowhere without a forewarning gesture.

Be strong, please.

Keeping the door open.

I felt very very very bad. I indirectly rejected KF. He can be the nicest guy left on earth but too bad and sad; the chemistry is just not there. Or maybe not there YET. I don’t know- lah. He is not being demanding but his action is a bit pushy towards me. He made things as if I am already his girlfriend which I am not. I am definitely not ready to be in a relationship still. This is weird. It is coming to 3 months that I am single and I guess this is my longest record of staying unattached.

KF has went off to some business trip with his family members for a week, I can have finally have time on my own, doing my own favorite things myself. Sleeping naked underneath my comfy blanket with dim lights while MSN-ing via iPhone till I fall asleep. I am not complaining that he is eating up my time, just that I wanted to spend some and more time being alone or going out with different people. I really dislike it when he tries to interfere me going out with my friends or my new found friends and shooting questions like, “Why aren’t you going out with me but him/them?” or the classic one, “Oh, so you are occupied. You don’t need me now is it?” I went speechless not because I do not know how to answer but I am tired of answering the same questions again and again.

The day before he left Malaysia for his trip, he text me and told me he felt uneasy about us and that lately we have talk less. He told me he may not be the best for me but he felt really comfortable being with me. I didn’t know I can give such impact to others or he has not really understand my complexities and know me well enough like my ex does who has finally decided to leave me behind the dark. I told him straight, “no beating around the bush”; that all I need for the moment is time and not a new boyfriend.

He has not grown to be a man yet and I don’t want a boy. He is good but can be better. However, I am not shutting doors entirely for him or for anyone. Life is about making choices and love can be an option too. I want to make sure, the next one I am going to fall in love or going to be with has to be “the one” although I know it’s hard and I have been almost going forever having that thought in every relationship I ventured into. Blerks! :p

Selfishness

Too soon to tell if I am leading a healthier life right now but I have made myself possible to stay home and not straying outside at wee hours being tipsy or drunk. I guess I need to learn to love myself more than anyone else does. No more giving wrong signals to any men from the clubs, no more hinting to certain men I am being so so so “single” or no more hitting on those Mr. Wrongs and having dangerous dates although I think I have not reach to that extent yet. Hehe.


I don’t want to be in any relationship at the moment but at the same time, I don’t like the feeling of hanging loosely on nothing. I think I still don’t know what I want.
“Soul searching mode [ on ]”

Last night before I was off to bed, I thought for a little while. Deep thoughts, actually. I caught myself enjoying with the treatment the others are offering me. Being my breakfast, lunch and dinner companions, my chauffeur (driving me around and even to and fro workplace), being protective towards me if something nasty happens, etc. Why are they treating me so well? Why should they give in to me all the time without much complains? I really feel selfish for unwilling to be fair to everyone. One of them is showing his interest towards me and have yet to confess, another one is giving all he can trying to own me, and the one whom I seem to develop mild interest in, afraid and clueless if he should take a step further towards me…I am just confusing everyone around me who are treating me good. :(

I don’t feel like losing any of them but I seem to be enjoying the moments whereby I don’t need to commit to any. I have grow to become more and more selfish

myHongKong vacation

So much of over piled follow-up cases and bill complaints to be handled at work right after my trip back from Hong Kong. So much of them that can die wei…

Apart from some unexpected occurrences, the trip is somehow awesome too. First time went for solo vacation which was unaccompanied by any family members or friends. Met up with a long lost friend there, tried the local delicacies (I can never be sick of eating HK food again and again!), indulged with intensive shopping spree (cut that off if you are looking for branded stuff as they can cost you arms and legs), and so much more.


Sky view.


Camwhore-ing inside the plane. Yes. That's my bra you are peeping at.

The first thing to do when the flight touched down Hong Kong is to get a HK prepaid number, I remembered the last visit with baby Choyling, my roaming charges has been so ridiculous but I can’t dispute on that simply because of I am aware of the extreme roaming charges. This time I can’t be any wrong but I still spend hundreds over for credit recharge. LOL.

The first night in HK, I went for a movie called, “Nine”. It is a musical movie that tells a story about Guido Contini (Daniel Day-Lewis), a world famous film director as he confronts an epic mid-life crisis with both creative and personal problems. He must balance the many women of his life, including his wife (Marion Cotillard), his mistress (Penelope Cruz), his film star muse (Nicole Kidman), his confidant and costume designer (Judi Dench), an American fashion journalist (Kate Hudson), the whore from his youth (Fergie) and his mother (Sophia Loren). I don’t fancy this sort of movie hence I was at bore watching this and it’s pretty expensive watching movies in HK, it costs about RM30++ per ticket. I have also tried Durian Pancake on the same day. Very very in love ooo…

I went DISNEYLAND the next day. Went for a couple of rides, watched some shows, bought some stuff, etc. Things are expensive there hence I only got myself two MCKY tees and a MCKY bag. I guess the most creditable and spectacular part of going to HK Disneyland, it’s the fireworks. It will be totally A.W.E.S.O.M.E. watching that with your loved ones and I was busy recording, didn’t really take my own time to enjoy the beautiful sight of the fireworks. Why are they always so short-lived? :(


The express train that reaches Disneyland straight off.

I went LanKwaiFong with my former Sunday School Teacher from Elim after Disneyland for a drink. Lychee Martini Cocktail is so superb, the bartender there has standards. Unlike those here. Hehehe. Bleh. :p I missed my drinking buddies. How best it is to have them all together having drinking sessions at a foreign soil. But it is alright, we will be having a trip to Hatyai in April and we can “drink drank drunk” kaw-kaw to the max very very soon.


Lychee Seed Martini, with Sunset Bay Martini (awesome cocktails)

The final night in HK, I stay on my own. I really feel horrendously to stay in his room, with his wife and children cramped into one room while he slept in the living room. I slept in guilt for the past two nights in HK. Michael offered to subsidy half for my hotel room, which is like RM600 plus at BP International House. Without much hesitation, I agreed to it rather than troubling his family. It was really fun. To be totally alone going around Hong Kong. The only lacking is I don’t manage to snap shot my own pictures. Bits awkward to cam whore in front of everyone although no one knows me there. But still…


The view from my hotel room. 23 floors. Damn jeng...


Must try this "奶黃流沙包". Orgasm Guaranteed. :)


Stuff that I bought in HK. Got GUCCI geh!!! (Thanks Q.Fang~)


Night view with the fantabulous lightings + skyscrappers


Canton Road-Tsim Tsa Tsui. You can go into one of those shops located at this street and buy "one" item...then you can proudly go back to your hometown and declared for bankruptcy. Don't quote me, kay. Unless you are rich, then stories can be told differently. But I'm not.

I want a boyfriend. Hahaha. But I don’t need a boyfriend. You feel the confusion in me? Since I have so much of time being alone in a foreign land, Michael asked to think what I really want in a relationship. It wasn’t an easy question because I found myself, straying away to find out the answer. I don’t want to force myself to be in a relationship at the moment; however, at the very same time…I hate the emptiness that creeps into me at certain time and occasions. So indecisive…and guess what? I seem to enjoy my single life now much more than I thought I would be… I am still in a very very very much confused state. Everyone sees it, everyone tries to bring me out from my miseries…and almost everyone still fails to complete the missing parts of me. I want my Mr. Right!

I have my slave to fetch me back from LCCT to Ipoh. What I have for my slave and what he has for me…is something very much unexplainable. I wanted to blog those feelings about it but I think it is advisable not to as I feel unsure about myself after my last break up. No point hurting others and myself and it is even pointless to let others to hurt me in return. I realized I am getting more and more defensive.

To sum it all, it is indeed a priceless experience in Hong Kong (although this visit is the fourth of the fifth ones). I can’t say I can see people thoroughly but from this trip, I gained about the complexities in certain things we thought they were simple. Find it hard to digest? Then don’t. It was only meant for those I wanted them to know.


I look damn fcuking vain in this pic. Excuse me for this...

Enough

I read back the two emails I sent to my current ex days before when he decided to break up with me. How painful was I back then, how I thought life has just ended at my side, how badly I wanted him back…and how hopeless I felt when he did not respond back at all. So, here am I still…living each day without having him around as my most precious baby anymore. I slowly learned the fact that, when a person has fall out of love with you, you can do a hundred things or you can sacrifice a thousand things trying to get back the whole of him and yet he will never come back to you.

So, he has attached to a girl younger than me by two years. He has brought her back to Ipoh during CNY and even introduced her to his friends. He had hurt his ex, the one that I used to hate so much and he has hurt me deep within too until my healing wound seems to stretch open and bleed again. Argh! He is no longer worth a single drop of tear nor is he worthy enough. Things has changed, he had and so do I. I have been upset enough and cried enough for this person.