I miss you

It’s not “her existence” but “my attitude” has made the whole relationship sank. He made a decision and that was to break with me. I have been crying everyday and each day I met him I wouldn’t let myself from not kneeling down before him and begging him to stay. From this point, I know he’s everything to me. Done many silly things to keep myself feeling better. Hurting myself was a total fun. The wound added pain into my struggles and yet I even felt better this way. I can’t accept the fact where he wanted to leave and step out from my life. Tears have been washing down my face every single second. I hate going through the pain which I am going through now. Tell you what, it is even more painful when you know the person who cares and loves you the most doesn’t love or care for you anymore. I am not her baby princess anymore. No more sweet talks, no more gushy mushy lovey dovey touchings, no more sharing ups and downs anymore and completely nothing. I miss him and I miss our 4 years of togetherness.

Phucking DISTURBED

At this very second I am feeling so confuse, hurt, miserable, disappointed, loveless, or just anything that may go against the source of happiness found in lives. I hated myself as much as I hated the whole relationship with him. I really hope one day for me to consume the courage of letting go entirely without leaving a trace of a thing or feeling for the relationship. I am tired with everything about him especially when it comes to "her existence". My self-esteem have been sinking into the bottomless end. I know he would say that I am thinking too much of the unnecessities but I would blame him for not making me to feel right about how he handle our relationship. I am just feeling absolute not right. Felt like crying but failed to do so. Perhaps I have already cried too much the nights before. Fuck. I am so lost now. If I am feeling this bad about him and the relationship we have, why am I still holding on and unwillingly to let go of everything? Why love has to be this hurting and tormenting? Can't be it a simpler one where usually every story/fairytale has a happy ending?

Resurrected and DIE AGAIN.

This blog entry will not be long as I am blogging in Imax not home. Truckloads of stuff to write about but then it has been piled up too much. Plus home pc already "passed away" and I lazy to set up my MAC for manual streamy connection. Well, graduated already. Doing nothing at the moment. However, next Monday going ti attend a job at hsbc bank for direct sales. I know it is not my field at all. But I learned that's the only way to keep my life going with cash to spend. Ish...I miss lotsa stuff about KL when I am back to Ipoh...

1. My college mates-> Last day of it I only realized the heaviness of leaving college and leaving those mates that i rarely talk to or even mixed with and yet, I missed them heaps.

2. My Puchong home-> Though it is located at the lousiest area of the entire world and equipped with NON-ENTERTAINMENT stuff at all but the emptiness of it make me think and work. All my contribution on finished design work was done in the living room from night till morning (with the internet connection-lah). I really missed the "me" back then.

3. Bel-> One hell buddy found in college.

4. Shopping complexes-> Ipoh's ones fail to satisfy me!

5. Lecturers-> They have been my guiding lights and never fail to aspire me to become a better me though I dislike few of them. I am truly motivated by their critics!

6. My design world-> Not like I am hiding from this field but in Ipoh, I hardly find any motivation to do any design work. Sometimes I do ask myself whether which world that I belong to. ARTS or SIMPLE LIFE? I can't answer that, maybe not now.

7. .............................................

8. .............................................

I could just go on with the list. I don't wish to just say all about it and do nothing. Maybe after a long rest, I will need to really focus on what i really want in life. One thing for sure right now is I wouldn't be able to blog so often like i used to be..Sad...

A holiday for my blog!

So unfinished with my assignment. DIE! With my heaviest heart ever, I then declare that my blog will be hibernating for a while. No post entries until 80% of assignment done or submitted. *Cry* I really left without any choice. Although there will be a week holiday due to Hari Raya and Deepavali next week but I strongly believe that I won’t have any time for blogging. (Not like I am going to spend the whole week doing assignment but then…still…) I am going to miss my BLOG soooo muccchhhh though there isn't any readers.

A new addiction

KL is completely nothing to me except for the shopping complexes and clubbing spots. I felt damn empty whenever I left Ipoh for KL. Perhaps is the course outline that bounded with truckload of assignments and everyday I just deal with due dates and also the people around me. Sigh, whatever it is I can’t wait to leave college but I know one fine day, I’ll miss college life so much. Just wait for the one fine day-lah then. Hehehe.

Had a fun and yet dreadful weekend back home to Ipoh. Indulged myself with countless mahjong games. The break of dawn will be the time when those mahjong games ended. I felt an intense of addiction towards it. Not linking the thought of winning big money through gambling but just the game itself. Make deals with Wyman and WaiKong for more mahjong games when I am back. Yay! *Do bunny-hopings around the living room*

Jin Werne was back to Ipoh too, hence Yin Theng and I decided to drop her a visit at her mum’s currently investment, which is a boutique in Ipoh Garden East area. Drove my dad newly-purchased second-hand CRV to pick Yin Theng up. The hugeness of the CRV and the bigger CC compared to the old wira has tempted me to become a road bully and honking those smaller vehicles that blocked through my way was FUN. *Evil laughs echoing*… I somehow do miss the old wira because it has bounded with so much of scratches and stains, undoubtedly if I ramp it over rocks, trees, poles, etc, parents sure won’t “sound”. Must train my driving more in order to be accident-free.

Nearly forgotten to mention the long skirt I planned to purchase from JinWerne’s mum’s boutique (JW Vanessa). It cost me a bomb (rm85++). For non-branded garment, it is expensive okay? Haven’t collected it as I am still deciding to buy or not. Granny offered to pay for it but I felt a bit awful. She has spent too much on me. From food to daily allowance and now clothes? I am a bit too much, right?

In-Sung was on tv8 again for the Spring Day but ntv7 is also screening In-Sung in the first episode of Memories of Bali. Gosh. Damn hard to resist both dramas. I ended up watching both bits and pieces by switching channels all the time to check on both dramas. This is a bit disturbing.

No pics for my Ipoh trip to upload as my phone camera is sent to repair. It is contaminated with virus, auto mms-ing ppl. Is it a signage that I should get a new phone? Bah-I am so broke lately. Better think for a way to accomplish my assignment than fascinating these sorta things.

Virgin Post of my design

My design for my Professional Studies assignment. A personal profile that tells about myself. Hence, I came up with this first draft on the cover page. Not sure if my lecturer will like it thou. A lil bit "lebih" with the colors as commented by Siee Hoong (A friend from Ipoh who is currently studying in Germany) and the layout looked kinda messy. Ain't so sure if I should change the layout colors and the composition or not. If only I have more time (in fact, i am granted with a month time), I definitely gonna make it much better. Blame it all on my procastinating habit. However, can't expect much as this is only the first attempt in executing it. Need more reference and inspiration!

Zo In-Sung, how I wish you are mine!

Nothing special about today except been staying at home, online the whole day and doing assignment. Such a rare me for doing so. This morning around 3am was in the midst of having sms chat with Wyman when suddenly I just dozed off like that. When I woke up the next day only I realized about it.

Done with the advertising proposal. But still got tee shirt design, exhibition campaign design, portfolio review arrangement and personal profile layout to accomplish. Still lots more to gulp down. Time left is less than a month and I don’t feel stress yet. This is no good! At least, I need something to buck me up in adjusting my time management in order to finish up the whole thing. It’s already my final semester. Sigh…

Saw Zo In-Sung in Spring Day drama series. Cute…! My heart is so dominated by him. Have an urge owning him man! Yesterday the trip to Midvalley with Fang and dinner in Pyramid with Chris, Jerome, Xian and Sarah has suck up an episode. No wonder when I watch the series today, I seem to go so hyperactive with the way he talked, walked, laughed and cried in the plot. More on “self-control” please. I know I am a bit “lebih” about him but this is my blog and I could say whatever I wanted to. *Evil grins*

Before more and more about In-Sung images flooding and pounding me down, I should make a move to my room and start packing now. Going back to Ipoh again. Hooray!!! Godmum coming to pick me up from my place at 7.45am and dropping me at B. Jalil LRT, need to finish up those assignments as much as I could in order to free myself from tangled worries. Skipping tmr class, feeling a bit bad because today I had skipped Professional Studies too. Chris told me classes nowadays are more likely tutorials than lectures. So, Ipoh…here I come, conquer and leave and I’m back for GOOD!

The history of the bus and I

Watched “As We Grow Older…” by Andy Lau together with Fang today in Midvalley. The storyline was so-so only but I found the ending quite meaningful and yet disturbing. Andy Lau’s features very fugly-lah in the ending scenes, making the movie looks pretty creepy and crappy. I felt so bad that I laughed so loud during the scenes where Andy Lau is dying in the movie. You need to watch it in order to comprehend my inner thoughts. Over all, this movie actually isn’t that depressing but me being conned when purchasing Meiji Hello Panda biscuits superbly is. The usual price sold in the market is only rm2.70 each but the stall situated near the cinema is selling it at the price of rm5.90. I fcuk-ingly innocent@stupid to actually grab two boxes of it without looking at the labeled price and when I looked at the cashier machine, “God-I am conned!” Ka-chiinnggg! Off my money went. GERAM SANGAT-LAH!

Any the way, we purportedly to shop around together and see what I could get for him on his birthday but ended up fruitless. I went and asked him many many times what exactly he needs/wants for his birthday this year and being the usual him, he asked for things that are close to impossible. Maybe I should just say it is impossible so he could “patah hati” in pursuing me getting him an Ipod/Crumpler Bag/CK Jeans. Did have a little fun today surfing in Mac Apple and comparing prices of the new Ipod 30G (can play video clips eh, canggih!) between Singapore and Malaysia. Found out prices in Singapore are more luring and cheaper in ways. Yerrr, feel like flying over there to purchase it straight off. (As if money grows on tree)

Guess what? I took bus today. It has been almost a decade I boarded a bus (those ipoh-kl-ipoh bus trips not count-lah). Fang and I dropped off from KL Sentral and we departed there. Then from KL Sentral I took Putra LRT to Kelana Jaya and took another bus ride to Sunway Pyramid to meet up with Christina. So much to evoke from the past once I stepped into the bus in KJ. Life in Kelana Jaya back then was such plain fun and almost heaven. Missed the good old days with my college buddies. It is good that I still remember all. The yumchar and hangout sessions, getting swindled by cabbies all the time, indo-mee, pool side, etc. How fast life has taken me to another pace and how much I pine for those days to return but I know, this is all about life. It will never stops changing. Am glad that I am still keeping two of my college buddies close at heart.

Extremely tired that I have indeed been out the whole day and I hardly slept the night before. So here am I blogging my night off without touching any assignment yet. Datelines are getting closer and I am getting lazier. Maybe I should stop blogging now and do a lil bit of write-ups for the Advertising proposal before dozing off. Oh yeah, Mr.Boyfriend finally made up with me. I won! Yay...

Out of MOOD

Mr. Boyfriend, Wyman, has just got on my nerves and resulting my supposedly good mood down to the drain. It’s 4.25am now. Since my pleasant mood is gone, I then have to deal with my fcuk-ed up mood and certainly I don’t think I have much attentiveness in executing my assignment. Providentially, done the Advertising billboard design earlier or else my group members will definitely made me eat my own shit. Hah, I am obviously exaggerating and I personally think they do not have insanity sense of humor like I do. I feel that I have some serious issues here (adopted this sentence from Bel). The world needs more people like me, I suggest. I am glad that I found my species in two of my buddies-> let me know if both of you wanted to be listed here.

Well, sometimes I do wonder if I am being brought up in an abnormal way hence my interest and attitude is one of a kind. A lot of my friends commented that communication with me is very “colorful” and I curse like nobody’s business. My cursing + swearing skills have been improvised with the aid of the surroundings in KL. I am surrounded by “bananas” ensuing I tend to curse more in English. Sentence needed to be rephrased. I tend to be over-cursing in both Cantonese and English. (This sounds more like it…)

Okay, Mr. Boyfriend has just apologized to me but I sense that I am still breathing fire. Not a good time to forgive him yet. I should feed him with my shit, shouldn’t I? Bah, I am not that devilish after all and I can’t imagine besides me, who on earth would actually have the intention in feeding their boyfriends with shit. If happens, that’s also those boyfriends are either bastards or pricks. Mine is not. He’s a monkey.

See this yourself and you will have to agree with me...

Beyond description

I spoiled Joan’s big idea on throwing a surprise + earlier birthday party for Bel by leaving my sandals on the doorstep. Sigh. Nicely set up Bel’s crib with candles everywhere and everyone hiding at corners + sweating like hell cause there was non-air circulation around but because of my pair of sandals left right in front of the doorstep has made Bel aware about my existence and I just smashed everyone's efforts…*Letting out a loud sigh…Haihhh* Luckily, the blamings just happened for a while. Christina didn't join us but got Bel a cake. The chocolate moist cake from Secret Recipe was too filling and too fattening. At first try convincing myself with the thought of burning some calories by playing pool in Asia Club but ended up watching the gang play foosball due to insuffiency of pool tables. It's Saturday night, baby...

Actually I was damn glad that I bought her birthday pressie weeks earlier before my financial crisis happened or else I’ll be dragging it as long as time permits. *Chuckles…* Like usual and expected, Bel and I done some disgusted and stupid pose when taking photographs. Mostly taken with her camera, so have to wait for her to pass me the copies then only can upload more. As for now, upload a bit from my camera first loh!

Inadvertent Smoky Effect=Brilliant Shot=Masterpiece=Skillful Photographer=Gifted=Carmen Yew=Me Me Me!! *Clap Clap*

The Cake Murderer

Tadda! We just disappeared Chew from the view!

Three Girls with Two Bitches


In an irrelevant case, I think I am fcuk-ingly obsessed and in love with this Korean celebrity called Jo In-Sung/Zo In-Sung. Can’t put him off the frame after watching only two episodes of a Korean drama (Spring Day). Although I just interjected into watching the drama suddenly, missed the previous episodes, considered myself quite blur about the storyline and yet I decided to go after the following series. Went google-ing and did a bit of research on him but heck it, mostly all the information also in Korean. Never mind, I satisfied myself more by downloading wallpapers and pictures of him into my Mac. Think I can go crazy over him and whenever he cried in those series, my heart just melted immediately. Usually guy who cries too much appeals to me as a major disguise + turn off + crybaby but in his case, I was totally turned on! He damn magnetism with his looks wei…!

Stuff that my parent wouldn't want to know..

Sometimes visiting a bookstore could be a sinful act. A visit to Basheer Bookstore (located at BB Plaza) today has made me rm135 more broke. Can’t deny that advertising and design books possess the force to tempt me into purchasing them. Last week, I have just purchased a packaging book and an Archive magazine from Basheer as well and this time, need not to say about it. Actually there were more I wanted so much to buy but if I were to do so, the figures would unquestionably reach up to 5 digits. *Seal my lips and act STUPID*

Took a cab with Christina right after that to KLCC for some photo shootings for Advertising project this time. Since I am out today, then the callings hit my heart again asking me to shop around. I realized self-control is vital but I just lose it. I ended up withdrawing rm500 cash from my another personal savings account and paid rm323 for two spaghetti tops and a skirt from MNG. Frantically hoping to be able getting my paid end of this month from Hazel (my supervisor for the Yun Nam part time job thingy) to cover back this amount spent or else I would end up eating shit-s for weeks. Plan of saving money for Ipod nano seems sinking into ocean deep. Sigh…

If Dad and Mum are IT-intellectuals and know how to read blogs, I wish I was never born at the very first place. However, at times I do feel blessed with expensive gadgets they got for me e.g. my Nokia 3650 (Dad bought it when it first launched and purposely drove all the way from Ipoh-KL just to pass it to me), Mac Powerbook G4 (Mum bought this when I obtained pretty good grades during semester 3), Nikon SLR 75, Sony Cybershot T3, etc. Very deep and very down, they know clearly that I am a terrible spender but I guess they can never expect it would be this BAD lor! Suddenly felt so sorry for them and disappointed about myself. Think I should hide in a corner and start to think properly and promise myself that I will spend wisely not blindly. However, I could tell that within hours or days later, this promise is meant to be broken and history will just repeat on its own. lalala...

"LowFat" (rm115), contained alot of motion graphics and illustration. It is so good that I almost drool even though I was only plain looking at it...Nope, no massive exaggeration!

"How To Catch Fairies by Gillen Sergiev"- Got this one for Lipet's birthday this year

"The Art of Saying Hello"- A good design book that consists myriad types of business cards. Got it at rm80 plus from Haja, The Other Bookstore.

"Lurzer's Archive Mag Vol.2 2005"- Basheer was selling it at only rm25, rm30 of reduction wei...How to resist?

"Amatterofdesign-Packaging(rm139)"-This book compiles a lot of creative packaging. Certainly not just boxes they are showing...

This is non-reading categorized. Only for eye-viewing pleasure. Purple and Turqoise Spaghetti Top (rm29 each) and Floppy Skirt (rm265). All from MNG. Knew the price for the skirt is super costy but i super like it. DON'T CARE-LAH!

Kicking the bucket

Had a few shootings needed to be done in Ikea. I “seludup” my digicam in and managed to capture those visuals that are needed for my Professional Studies’s business plan proposal (Something to do with new company set up and the interior and the so forth). Since I have reached Ikea and Ikano Power Centre is just right beside and The Curve is just right opposite, I could not reject the callings from my heart. So, I grabbed Christina by the arms and strove down to Ikano then moved ahead to The Curve and back to Ikea again as Chris wanted to get a mirror. Done for the day and I spent only rm50++ for lunch, an Ikea membership and also two over-sized long sleeve shirt (I wear them as pajamas). I did nothing during the night except watching some Korean dramas on TV and a bit of research on my new brief for Design Studies. Isn’t something tough as it’s only tee shirt designing but heard that my major project is a campaign and this brief will be given next week. So much to DIE for! Advertising campaign still in stretch, assuming only 20% done and I have not even started on my personal profile design yet. DIE DIE DIE!!!

Ikea membership, only rm20 for duration of 2 years

Got from Brands Outlet, Ikano there. Only rm10 each and the fabric damn nice wei...

The ugly side of US!!!

A tad bit disappointed with the breaking news about Ipod Nano. Heard that it’s unbelievably easy to scratch the screen, nixing its photo-displaying abilities and it really paused me a moment from getting it. Hope by the end of the day or this year, they are able to find a solution towards it as I am seriously into getting one for myself. Wyman promised to pay half of it and that also is yet to be confirmed.

College pretty sucks today. Design Studies class was cancelled and we were told to go to a conference held in Hall of Fame that talked about Switzerland Banking and stuff. I didn’t go for it. Basically just killed my time off with Bel in her classroom. Wanted so much to go home earlier as I hardly slept well the night before but still have advertising class to attend. GERAM!

Took a nap once I got home. Then got up and indulged myself with the magic box (TV). Knew that there are piles of assignments waiting to be accomplished and yet laziness rules over my mindset and body. Wasted away hours and now decided to blog a bit while cracking my pea-sized brain for more advertising ideas on how to promote the crappy restaurant in KLCC. Sigh, this crap is due within two weeks time. How to accelerate the work and yet still embed in excellent qualities/ ideas? Die die die..Start digging grave or more graves? This supposed to be a group project. Sigh sigh sigh!!!

Was checking my cell phone just now and came across some pictures I took with Wyman using his 6600 that has a unique lenses feature. Let the pictures do the talking! I know we look stupid/ugly/fcuk’d up but I did have a good laugh about it and also a freaking good time together with him and this that counts, alright?

The Ordinary US!

The Ugly Side of US!

Age vs. Act

Was gone astray from blogging for quite some time. Assignment is one of the reasons that kept me hectic for weeks but mainly also because of the frequent trips I made back to Ipoh. Done a lot of driving in Ipoh, was a personal chauffeur to my granny and also my brothers. Definitely don’t feel being used by them. Just felt grateful, as always I am whenever I am back home. Been to temple almost everyday to keep my granny accompany for the Nine Emperor Festive (something to do with Chinese beliefs), ate a lot of paos, and even went for fortune telling thingy with my Gor, Ah Ching. We also bought lottery together hoping to win millions and of course we FAILED. I swore that it was near to consolation prize. I bought 9128 and it came out 1928. rm35 also don’t want to let me win. Damn!

Y2k sucks lately. Or maybe I don’t know how to shuffle that made me the odd one out? Getting really bored over clubbing in Ipoh already. Am I aging? Hell No! Perhaps it’s just not in the mood or not in the right bunch of group. Must be either two of these reasons. Wyman’s sister was back to Ipoh. Met her in Y2k and caught her smoking. Why everyone is just so hook up to cigarettes? I just plain hate it. I rather choose to curse more than to try smoking. Well, then saw her ex’s car was parked right outside of Wyman’s house. Thought they have separated??? Wyman also look confused but he seems to be sloping into anger mode more. His sis is elder than me by a year and I guess I have no rights to confront her or giving any advice to her at all. In other words, she’s old enough to think rationally and act maturely.

Talking about maturity, all my paternal side relatives said I am not behaving as my age. How does 20 year-old people behave? Is there any right method or guides to behave as one? Guess not? However, I do really like my own attitude though there are so many negatives compared to positives. Vulgarity is my favorite among all. If I ever lose this uniqueness of over-cursing then this is so not Carmen Yew. Wyman hates this ME but it’s okay because I’m sure there are other parts of ME he found favor in. Or else he already put a full stop to the relationship.

Feel like doing some write ups for advertising class later. Fearing my group members might ditch me off as I tend to have this habit of completing projects and assignments in a very slow mode. I have enclose this blog with pictures of my cousins. Among all, Zi Jian is the closest one and also the most often one I spent time with whenever I am in Ipoh.

Zi Jian

Yan Yan

Tai Lik

Hidden Motive

I suggested going to KLCC to my group members for some packaging hunting. Okay, I lied. The group project outing was just a wrapped up excuse. My main motive is to do some shopping on outfits. I haven’t been buying nice clothes for quite a while. The very last time I spent on clothes was just a body fitting black tee from Adax that only cost me rm10. So, serious shopping is on-the-go. By the end of the day in KLCC, I just ended up with a cropped velvet cardi from MNG, rm119. Helped Yin Theng bought the same cardi but turquoise color. The shopping spirit died when I discovered the amount left inside my bank account because I have over-used rm200 advance of my allowance for the coming month. *Grumble...Mumble...* Resulting serious shopping down to the drain. However, am still glad that I bought the cardi top. I love it so much. The design, The fabric material. The color. Gosh…A must have item to every girl’s wardrobe. I have borrowed my digicam to Chew, so visual update about this cardi top must be postponed some time later. Think I am wearing it to sleep every night. :p blerks!!

My Power Color is Lime Green. Crap or Fact?

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest: You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary. At Your Lowest: You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in. In Love: You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated. How You're Attractive: Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room. Your Eternal Question: "What else do I need in my life?"

What's Your Power Color?

Often keep myself pondering if all these quizziez thingy are true enough to speak about myself...
It sounded so true (at least to my own perspective-lah) but I can't be bothered as I always find myself
being so unsure and uncertain in things and my very own pace of life...
Well, I do have a life to lead and as I always mention: Life is random, shit happens...
I don't live by words but the inner soul of mine...
Think I am crapping in some ways...
However, I simply lurve the generated color..Lime Green..

Serious Money Issue

Finally my part time job being a “marketing consultancy” for Yun Nam Hair Care and Sensualite Body Slimming Centre ended yesterday. “Marketing Consultancy…?” Sounded quite professional, huh? Well, maybe I should scope it down and call myself a promoter instead. Lol. This sounded more like it. Not a heavy job though. Going around Giant Kelana Jaya, spotting for balding people and overweight women and bug them to purchase some promotional vouchers. I only got to sell off 2 vouchers and Bel sold 5 by the end of the days! Damn.

The paid was so-so only and the working hours are horrendously draggy. Starting work at 9.30pm and finishing at 10.30pm. A total up of 13 hours each day and I am earning merely rm90 for a day. What the fish?! Let’s just say I had a terrible money issue here, thus I desperately needed the job. No, I am not into serious gambling issue that I am surrounded by debts. Neither I spent all my allowance in clubbing issue or what-so-ever. I wanted to save the extra income for future planning. Okay, my future planning includes of wanting to get an I-pod Nano, O2 Xda Mini, a new wardrobe collection of Armani Xchange, FCUK and DKNY clothings, a new digital watch from DKNY, design books that tagged with unreasonable pricings and trust me that the list will just repeating itself on and on but all carries the similarity where each item definitely costs more than a few hundreds and all the way up to few thousands ringgit. All these mentioned items are so tempting that no one could actually turned it off from one’s mind. Or at least to me? So do comprehend that money is the biggest issue I am facing here. How I wish money will flow out abundantly and miracously just like opening the water tap. “Keep on dreaming, Carmen_U”-> Ghee, I heard voices from nowhere…

Apart from the lengthy working hours, I did have fun sitting all day long cracking jokes and munching down on snacks with Bel especially the T’Lekor and the Japanese biscuits. I even like it more that we managed to attend work late and going home early without getting caught by Hazel-> Our supervisor. She’s just 20 and sometimes she just acted so unbelievably naïve and obtuse. I don’t want to start a bitching session here so I decided to upload some pics taken together with me and Joan and Bel. :)

Ignore the quality of the pic. Using only camera phone-LAH! What to expect, huh?

Trying real hard to be CUTE!

Oooo...GaaaGaaa...

Honestly speaking, we were having some serious issues here

Look at those balding men and overweight women!!!

Am I a mocking bird?

Wyman and I were still in a non-talking term. No phone calls / sms. Fine with me. I loaded my weekend with a promoter job and heavy yumchar sessions with Bel. Saturday night was such a tremendous meaningful night. I was more than glad to discover the dirt truth about “him”. For some reasons, I don’t wish to speak about the truth. Don’t even get me wrong that I am trying to protect “him” or what else, just some shit happened in between. Period.

After work, went straight to Jane’s birthday party in Breakers, Hartamas. At first, I almost put myself to sleep due to the boring atmosphere and on-going house music. Quite a lot of people turned up for the party and free flows of liquors and beers. I didn’t drink because I need to drive home plus my driving license died edi. Met Ed there and that really turned me off from feeling good. However, the night was made greater with this cute guy’s existence. We exchanged eye contacts but it almost put myself in tears when I didn’t even know what is his name and he left for lok-lok and Atmos. At first he invited me to join him but but but…I was too hook up chatting with Julian. Gawd-DAMN! Regretted so much and didn’t understand why I turned down the offer. Slutty me! :p blerks…

Didn’t really hang out for long in the party. I followed Julian for a yumchar session and there we have major and minor chats about “him”. Don’t ask me why Julian suddenly emerged into the picture. It’s going to necessitate hundreds pages to elucidate. Julian’s friends joined Julian and I for yumchar session in Hartamas Square and they are so funny people till I laughed irrationally and almost pee in my own pants. Went through hell lots of funny incidents and conversations with them. They gave me a nickname, Mocking Bird. I was the laughing stock for the night. After Hartamas, we then headed down to Subang for another yumchar session and also met up with a girl named Carmen, Julian’s friend. Both of us, the Carmen-s, were in the midst of seriousness issue production. We bitched about “him”. I know this entry may leave everyone with myriad of question marks but I really don’t want to undisclosed the truth that much. Sorry peeps.

I got home at 5 in the morning, looking dreadfully awful with the mess-ed up make up. Hahaha. Continued with a bit of bitchings in MSN and finally dozed off at 7 am. Guess what? Need to wake up for my promoter job at 9am. 2 hours of sleep only. Yes, my bodyclock is undeniably TWISTED. Oh yeah, I miss that CUTE GUY and unfortunately, I miss Wyman too.

Carmen_U, a lost soul

I felt so crappy all out of a sudden. Sitting myself here all alone in Puchong waiting to kill my time away by blogging. As I continue to blog, I felt a glimpse of loneliness and emptiness in life. Had an argument with Wyman yesterday night. I almost forgot what we argued about but I am gawd-damn-sure it’s just some craps, which we totally disagree about. He ended up telling me he is sick with my attitude. Yeah, I am such a pain to his ass/anus as he is to me.

For some reasons in living, having to stay in a relationship for almost 4 years with Wyman are totally mind trafficking and a battleship to me. Incompatibilities of financial status, attitudes, interests, family backgrounds, etc and the list should just go on and on. It really worries me about “our” future or better said, my future. He’s already 25 and I am still clinging in the age of 20. We both want each other to be really committed and we even thought of marriage too. Not every guy is ready for such commitment, I realized. For example, the “him” I had mentioned once or twice in the previous entries.

However, I took a step backward from thinking further about marriage and our future planning anymore. In the case that we have so much to disagree about, why bother getting together in the term “forever” if we really can’t click and comprehend and tolerate with each other’s flaws. What disappoint me most is his disorganized ways of spending which lead him to a zero percentage of savings. How to have vision together when nothing is done? I don’t want to fork out another few years time in waiting for miracles to happen. How many youthful years I could offer out?

I don’t want to be in a life that tight down with payments, installments, etc. I hate being broke all the time, but then once again, who wouldn’t right? It just cut my heart deeply whenever the thought of breaking up jiggling around my mind. An intense feeling of selfishness and materialistic revealed in my inner self. I hate myself so much that I just wanted to end it most of the times. I swear that there are times when I really wanted to be with Wyman forever (of course, when we are in those lovey dovey moods) and there are just so many blockages. Life has never been fair. One of the reasons why I very often got lost in tracks of what I really want and need.

I felt so fcuk'd!

I went out with that “guy” for the second time. Another risk taken in my life, I supposed. I realized we could not click that well BUT somehow I am attracted to him. He is so into his own world of being an existentialist and he could goes on forever with his passion in pursuing existence. I blame him not for his devotion into art and philosophy but somehow it just surprised me with his brain cells that could think much more than anyone else does or at least he rises up among people that I know. I admit that I do admire him and look into him deeply.

No, I am not talking about having crush over him or what. I just have this urge or impulse of wanting to know more about him. However, I did try so hard to stop thinking about him and the remarks about life and art he poured out to me. Shit, he is just so influential. I ended up thinking so much about him because in that everyday of my life there is a minute or two his words cross my mind. I felt so sorry for Wyman and myself. I see myself turning into a slut and this is so not RIGHT!

It is the dumbest and stupidest thing I could ever think or feel for others especially “him”. My intuition has always been accurately true. I sense that he is a very easy-going type of person that would never clinch to any commitment or promises. Casual dating will be the best description to explain this. I remembered going through his friendster’s testimonial and saw this lil girl’s who only age 18 posted her love dedication through poem to him, so eventually it struck me hard. I don’t want to hurt others as much as I don’t want to hurt myself. “He” knows I am pretty much attached and yet he could sms me telling me how much he misses me and stuff. Craps.

On the first go, I really feel like accepting his casual dating offers but somehow I just backed off. I think I will miss him a lot as a person that I could look so much into sharing perceptions about arts and inspirations. He has seriously enlightened me a lot. I felt so fuck’d now. I didn’t know he could leave such an impact. Danny is just so right. I'll lose alot perhaps I'll even lose myself out if I really wanted to be in "his" game. Wake up, Carmen! You got to fight to regain back your consciousness! Don’t stray away!