After 3 years of marriage. Just my thoughts.

3 years of being legally married, 6 years 4 months to sum up the togetherness. The journey isn't very fairtytale like. It's not happiness all the time. We were broken. The word or thought of divorce were thrown to each other quite often. I almost lose him.  But here, we are. Still husband and wife. I know I'm not going to find another man who loves me as the way he does, and I'm certainly sure he can't find someone who is going to love him as much as I do either.

At this very moment, I'm hoping so much he's never ever going to stray away.

Crushed. Broken. Whatever fcuk you may describe it.

My heart. It's crushed. Wanted so much to rip off my chest and take the heart out so I could end the pain and had enough of living in denials.

Wedding Bells...

Looking at the unfamiliar blogger screen layout, it clearly prove that I haven't been blogging for the longest time ever. Besides, I don't think there is anyone following this blog as well; hence with all the what-so-ever-reasons that has pull me off from the keyboard from writing/sharing.

It has been a very eventful year for me. Or shall I say, it is going to be an eventful year instead? MyRichard and I are tying the knot on 28 October this year. We are going to register first and the Chinese Wedding thingy is going to be held in next year September. A lot of people asked, how has he proposed to me and as much as I hope for the one in a lifetime's surprise proposal...It didn't happen. No flowers, no fancy dinner, no kneeling down, no surprises. We sort of like having those mutual acknowledgement that it is the time for us to settle down. :(

His parents have been pestering him to wed me. I am glad they sort of pressure him. At least, it gives a point that he is taking me for real and he is ready to step into another chapter with me. He even brought me to choose my own preferred wedding ring. I guess that's the main reason why there isn't any surprise proposal...He feared he might got me a ring which I dislike and I will start showing him my "dulan" face which then will spoil whatever surprises he tried to portray and eventually, the precious moment is killed. To save himself from such haunting scenario, he has made a safe move that is to bring me along to get the ring.

Although I am seeing the marriage coming, I am still feeling really excited that I even dragged my bff, Choyling, to go around looking for a nice dress/gown for my ROM. I managed to get a champagne color tube wedding gown at an almost impossible price. I know there are so much more to do for the planning and preparation. Luckily, it is only ROM this year and wedding in next year. :p

Seriously, the more I get to learn about myRichard...I realized he is not anything/anyone near to my Mr.Right wish-list...He has slowly becoming a husband figure to me. Not very much to my preferred kind of husband but oh well, it's a package, right? The funniest part is I am growing to love him even more despite the times he hurt me with all the lies. I guess it is all about love and feelings which I can never ever put them perfectly in words.

A proposal, perhaps?

My blog was in total silence for 5 whole months. Just not keen in sharing so much about the relationship anymore. We are doing fine like every other couple. We squabble, we fight, we use nasty words on each other…but we also kiss, we hug, and we still love each other heaps. However, things were rather cold lately. Like I felt we seem to have lost the strong feelings we used to have at the beginning. Repeatedly, I have been refraining myself not to think too much as this is the cycle of love.

We made plans to get our own house, our very own home by next year. Buying a house together is like an understatement that our relationship is secured. It is still an initial plan; let’s just wait for it to happen. But if things come true, I really hope for a proper proposal and not just let’s-get-married mode. After all, it is a marriage. Once in a lifetime thingy and who wouldn’t want it to be a memorable and touching one?

Death

This blog is dead. For some time. The writer has gone back to the reality where she is busy babysitting a new family addition. Hahaha!

Introducing you my baby cousie, Xin Er. She is dominating so much of my time... Super adorable. I am so obsessed with her now.

So Much Win & So Much Loss

21/02/12

I have a very good Valentine’s celebration. With all of the little effort he pours in, we seem to be getting better. And I am so proud of him that he is gaining back my trust bits by bits. My relationship with his family has also deepens. “So much win”

I went out dinner with his family last night and it is my very first time to dine without the presence of my boyfriend. We talked a lot, gossiped a lot…His family shared so much of myRichard’s ex girlfriends stories to me. I guess it is a blessing in disguise to have such a bonding with his family even though he is not so much of the 101% good boyfriend I used to have.

However, lately our relationship seems to be blossoming. I know it is a good sign, that’s why I try not to input negative thoughts whereby most likely he feels the guilt of cheating on me thus he treats me better. I really hope he has changed for good without intended to hurt me again.

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This was what I drafted earlier and let it sitting in my bin without posting it. A month later, I came up with another post which drastically draw out the contrast.

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20/03/2012

I threw him a question yesterday when he was tucking me to bed. I asked him if he is ever serious being in a relationship with me. He gave me a curious look and by looking into my eyes, he commented that he is serious and getting married is just a matter of time. I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel secure. I don’t feel the honesty or sincerity. I just don’t feel the gratification or maybe I had enough of his promises which are merely just words and not actions.

I wanted to settle down with him but I just felt he is no longer the Mr. Right that I used to love so much. I wanted us to last but he doesn’t project to me anymore that he is taking me seriously as my instinct always tell me that he still wants to play around. Maybe I shouldn’t be giving myself fake hopes anymore that he is the one. Perhaps this time, God has not written him in my destiny as well. Once and for all, I am stuck whether I should continue to wait for changes or start packing up my stuff to leave before my youth sells me off. It can never be a happy decision on either way.

No one guarantees happiness. Not even myself.

This Valentine's

We used to hate Christmas because the seasonal occasion reminded us so much of the painful memories our ex(s) used to had left behind. Valentine’s Day is not a fancy date either, as I used to celebrate it with flings rather than a boyfriend. But all these started to change when you stepped into my life and being a big part of it and I can’t find any reason not to love you even more. Our memories are once beautifully written in the year 2010 where we took a bold step together to embrace each other by starting our life as a couple. At that moment, yes…I could give up a century just to live on that moment.

* Blek blek blek
* Bu bu jiak
* Milo Powder & Mary Biscuits
* Daisy & Rebecca
* Susan Boyle
* Our 3 minutes session
* Singalingam Night
* Breaking Tebu
* Batman & Robin ice cream
* Pat Pat So So
* Release Letter

I know the list can goes on and on because there are just so much of those little things that complete a bigger picture of our relationship. Beginning is always the sweetest, many have lost what they first felt about each other in the years to come and the most challenging part is how to keep our relationship going strong and making it last. We both know we have to keep it, the importance to fight for it and we even need to work hard for it. One could never love too much and one could not love too less…

I used to be so sure about us, so sure of you being my Mr. Right but the small patch of stain you left me on 05 January this year, it seriously hurts me deeply and I am still recovering from it. I no longer hold the same amount of faith and believe I used to have in you but I know I am fighting to get them back because I don’t want to give up on us yet. At least, not now. It was truly disappointing that you allowed our relationship to be ridden on bumpy road whereby you could possibly avoid all these by just being on the right track. All I could say is “Life is a bitch itself, it just fucks us all.”

Happy post-dated Valentines’s, baby! It is going to be our second Valentine’s. If you are sure that I am the one and only, then made me stay. Or else, celebrate it with someone you think can be replaced over my status in your heart and life. I just do not need another heartbreak again before walking off completely and being silly enough to had loved you deeply once.

blank

Never have I expect that the truth behind the lies can be so brutally painful. My hands trembled, I was shivering and immediately broke down in tears and out of speech when I logged into myRichard’s facebook account and read the conversation he had with his staff, ARA. I felt like a complete fool to them. I felt betrayed and chuck in fears.

I brave myself to confront to myRichard, all I got is a crappy explanation where he claimed there is no physical contact but just flirtatious form of conversation. Isn’t that enough to made severe damage to our relationship? No physical contact does not mean you can still go and flirt around verbally, that certainly does not mean you are right.
You have no rights to hurt me like this. I don’t deserve all these.

Paco Cho,

What am I to you? Why the hell must you tear my heart apart? How can both of you be so fake to me and covered up with so much of lies? I really really felt like a fool to you. And not a girlfriend. Not at all. I am expecting you to treat me right, to protect me and to love me with all of your heart and not cutting me deep now by betraying me and lying to me.

You have not slept her yet…but FLIRTING with her is WRONG. IS SO DAMN WRONG. I tried to give my best to you, and I love you so much that I can be god-damn sure you can never find someone else loving you the way like I do now. I put you ahead of my everything but what did I get in return? A heart wrenching truth behind all the lies. How can you be so brutal to me…what did I done wrong?

Stop asking me to forget what had happened, to erase what I just read from your conversation with her…If I managed to do so, I wouldn’t even crying at this second I am blogging this out…I don’t know how to heal myself. I do not know what to do.
I am not strong enough to fight this alone. I am not feeling alright……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Bad Christmas

Bought him enough of clothes as Christmas gifts while mine need to be delayed due to his financial issue. Luckily didn’t really put much hope on it hence I am not that harshly disappointed. Bought him a card and even draft out the Christmas wishes under my iPhone notes but I trashed it in the end. Why? We somehow put up a fight on Christmas’s eve. Yes. Christmas was spoiled to a total max.

We just passed through Christmas like every single ordinary night in our life except that I cried and laughed too much at the same time. Maybe I should comfort myself in a way that “at least, I don’t get dumped on Christmas just like two years back”. Flashing back the first Christmas that we endured, I could felt so much of contentment in it that I really miss the good old days. Well, life goes on. We had a bad Christmas this year doesn’t mean the next coming one is going to be worse, right?

Positive thinking, Positive aura…..I need the entire good “chi” to keep this relationship going. I should really really really wait for my Prada wishlist to be granted as promised by him. Hope it is not another blank promise from him. And no, I am not being materialistic, just realistic. It is a promise made by him hence he has to commit into it. Furthermore, he has got my notebook (last year christmas present) stolen. So, I should be gifted a "Prada". Teeheehee... Enough of gucci already. :p

Protected.

I love my man. Never had I felt he was that protective until last night where the motherfcuka elderly bitch and her daughter scolded me sarcastically at his workplace. I wished badly that they will get killed in a freak accident and their souls will be perished in hell. Mean? Not if you really see how they scolded and shouted at me in public when I just kept mum. I sincerely hope for the both of them, the elderly bitchy mother and the tomboy-ish daughter to die in the most freaky way. Enough of cursing. Mood spoiler kaw kaw.

But I seriously wanted to share out how manly is my man when he pointed finger at those bitches and asked them to watch her words. Heart heart heart! :) Of course, my mood was badly hit but it is suppresed with the presence of the boyfriend and his manly gesture to keep me protected. <3

Cracks and tears

I thought i could have happier posts to upload but i couldn't help myself from not crying that its going to be another disappointment for me. I love you and gave all my trust to you eventhough you had it broken once but how much of a pain someone can afforf to take? It is so fcukingly painful that I don't even know how to stop it. Stop making me as an option anymore because i should not be one. No one should. When will that one fine day comes when you will start appreciating me and take my words for goodness sake?

I really hate it most when you are turning yourself into a chain smoker and an alcoholic? Do you love yourself and your health so I know i will be in good hands? Someone I can trust well that he would take good care of me for the entire life. How can you be that someone when you are ruining yourself and our dying relationshsip. I was hoping so badly you are the right one... My one and only Mr. Right. I thought i found you... I really do. I have tried many ways to accomodate you. You dont have enough time hence i do not mind spending all the time I have by walking forward and moving into your lifestyle to suit you... You are tired hence I dont mind i am sleeping over at your place by driving myself over than have you to stop by at my home after work... You are stressful and need time to be alone hence i dont mind sleeping alone in the room and hugging myself to sleep... But do you know that although i dont mind... I will somehow get tired some day. Maybe i will be too tired to stay because you no longer worth for me to fight for anymore.

Lately, i am having so many silly thoughts. I was thinking if I should transfer to KL so that when we have less chances to meet, you will tend to give me more of your time to listen to me, to really care for my wellbeings and inner feelings. Maybe you might realized by then we only have weekends to spend together, then you will stop drinking, stop smoking, stop leaving me alone in your room, stop all the things i dislike and you will love me more than you ought to be. Or maybe you wouldn't have hurt me this much and this deep like tonight... I really wish i can cut open my heart and show it to you how freaking painful it is. Stop asking me to stop crying... Because every single crack in my heart is the every single tear I shed. You will know it one day by how much your love mean to me or you will discover one day by how deep is my love for you... And when the one fine day comes, i might have been too tired to continue loving you this way.

I dont care whether R or J is the right one or the culprit... I care only for you who had broken my trust over and over again. Why am I always your option where your brothers, career and family are far beyond me?

Cracks and tears

I thought i could have happier posts to upload but i couldn't help myself from not crying that its going to be another disappointment for me. I love you and gave all my trust to you eventhough you had it broken once but how much of a pain someone can afforf to take? It is so fcukingly painful that I don't even know how to stop it. Stop making me as an option anymore because i should not be one. No one should. When will that one fine day comes when you will start appreciating me and take my words for goodness sake?

I really hate it most when you are turning yourself into a chain smoker and an alcoholic? Do you love yourself and your health so I know i will be in good hands? Someone I can trust well that he would take good care of me for the entire life. How can you be that someone when you are ruining yourself and our dying relationshsip. I was hoping so badly you are the right one... My one and only Mr. Right. I thought i found you... I really do. I have tried many ways to accomodate you. You dont have enough time hence i do not mind spending all the time I have by walking forward and moving into your lifestyle to suit you... You are tired hence I dont mind i am sleeping over at your place by driving myself over than have you to stop by at my home after work... You are stressful and need time to be alone hence i dont mind sleeping alone in the room and hugging myself to sleep... But do you know that although i dont mind... I will somehow get tired some day. Maybe i will be too tired to stay because you no longer worth for me to fight for anymore.

Lately, i am having so many silly thoughts. I was thinking if I should transfer to KL so that when we have less chances to meet, you will tend to give me more of your time to listen to me, to really care for my wellbeings and inner feelings. Maybe you might realized by then we only have weekends to spend together, then you will stop drinking, stop smoking, stop leaving me alone in your room, stop all the things i dislike and you will love me more than you ought to be. Or maybe you wouldn't have hurt me this much and this deep like tonight... I really wish i can cut open my heart and show it to you how freaking painful it is. Stop asking me to stop crying... Because every single crack in my heart is the every single tear I shed. You will know it one day by how much your love mean to me or you will discover one day by deep is my love for you... And when the one fine day comes, i might be too tired to continue loving you this way.

Calling...

Life is fair. Happiness does not last and sadness is not permanent as well. So, I can’t prolly be so pessimistic about my current relationship with myRichard. Can’t deny the lovey dovey feelings used to be much stronger and deeper in the beginning, and the love spark now isn’t as flammable like how it used to be seen or felt. Oh well, I guess the concern now is no longer to moan or whine or vent on the history but how to keep the relationship going and continue to fight for someone I really think who worth all these.

Well, if I screwed up and got hurt badly...At least, I can whisper to myself saying that I have tried and done my role rather than giving up straight off. :p

holding grudges.

I am still struggling. Struggling to seek for an acknowledgement or better said, an affirmation, if he is still in love with me. I didn’t entirely move in to stay with him but I have been sleeping over at his place for a couple of months already. The physical distance got closer but strangely, I am feeling we are more than distant than we used to be. We have not been intimate for almost past three months, no matter how much I try to beg for it. Yes, I used the word “beg” as I really did but in return, it was all rejection and disappointment. I seriously have no idea if the problem is with me or it is with him.
He just made me feel unappreciated, trashed aside. Maybe I no longer appeal to him as once attractive or beautiful hence, he always used very mean description on me. Fat and Ugly. As much as he thinks I am that fat or ugly…he doesn’t really need to speak out and be it a joke or a fact, I am hurt, literally.

Too many of sappy and complaints blog entries lately, damn unhealthy. It seems I no longer know how to blog with happy moments I have endured with him. I really wish time would tell how serious is he with me. I am hoping badly the thoughts and words of buying house together and settling down...is not just another talk-cock-sing-song kind of thing. Baby, show me a future and not a dead end.

An act of violence

We quarreled again. Basically, it’s a 10 minutes of argument on the intimacy issue, where he spoke in a soft but angered tone that I am very annoying which then I grabbed his hand asking him to say that again…eventually he raised up his hand threatening to slap/bash me if I don’t let go. Of course, I let off my grip and as expected, tears kept flowing down my cheeks. Intense fear start pumping in and frightened that one fine day when he will just lost his control and start to lay his hands on me.

Seriously, while I was crying in his room…The thought of packing up my stuff and leave crossed my mind. Maybe it was just an intense impulse to do so out of fear and disappointment, hence in the end, I chose to stay. I felt a threat in our relationship whereby from that moment he stared at me irately and lifted up his hands showing a sign of violence, my heart was almost went dead. I cannot believe my eyes and it is too painful for me to believe, my very own boyfriend almost laid his hands on me.

He came in and kept apologizing after that. I just don’t understand why the closest person to me and who claimed to have loved me most could actually treat me so maliciously. He just made me feel I am so not worthy and finding faults to be treated such way. He never chose to raise his voice towards his family, brothers, friends or even customers but why me? What some more, he tried to lay his hands on me. For once in a year plus we have been together, I am struggling to give up and I felt trapped in crossroad once again.

The "ex" factor

I had funny feelings. About C. His ex. I mean it’s not that sort of controversial kind of jealousy feeling, as I clearly know she is so past tense but somehow someway, she just gave me funny feelings when we made eye contact back in my workplace. I have not bumped into her many years already, I think the last was back in college days where we used to stay under the same apartment and the only thing that got us connected was friendster then came in facebook. It feels funny to meet her in person especially deliberating the fact she is an ex to my current boyfriend and it is even funnier with the fact that we are actually friends all along.

It must be the “ex” issue has got the feelings a bit complex. Be it sincere or not, both talked a little at that point of contact and ended the short conversation with smiles. In fact, I had also bumped into few of his ex numerous times and things were still alright, I guess this one in particular is different mainly due to we were schoolmates for years. :p I was indeed worrying the possibilities of bumping into her if myRichard and I were to club in any night of the Raya week because they mix in the same group of people, by then, I would have even acted awkwardly with mixed feelings...Luckily, we chosed to stay home and spend boring hours than going alcoholic. Teehee... Blessing in disguise.

Trapped.

There are moments i wished badly for you to hug me tight and whisper to my ears that i am your biggest achievement in life. Who does not wish for her boyfriend that thinks she is the best for him? Who does not want her boyfriend to be honest enough and sincere enough to love her every single day without fail? I used to have you doing that to me but somehow someway... You stopped. Without yourself realizing it. 

I used to be your biggest catch. I used to be the best one for you or maybe those were times you made me felt i was your everything. You used to text me telling me how wonderful i was to you, how much i meant to you and how my presence has changed your life. Even if we don't get to meet, even if we prefer to hide from the public... Even if we both have yet to be official lovers. We had almost everything. Those strong feelings. Those sweet messages. Those unforgetable moments. And those precious 3 minutes sessions.

And now? Things are not so beautifully written anymore. I would like you to understand me better, to care for me like you used to be. Hence, i always try to make you to listen to my inner self.  But in return, what do i get? That my very own boyfriend being ignorant. 

I dont even understand why am I crying myself to sleep at this hour, knowing you are just right outside the living room watching tv. Because you just wouldn't care. Tonight in particular, you just made me feel i am meaningless to you and both of us are just heading to nowhere. I feel trapped. Trapped in fears and disappointments. Trapped within wastage of time and effort by making believe you are the right one. 

Sometimes, all i need is just an assurance that you are still the old you when you made that decision to make me yours. Are you ever going to settle down with me? Or have it even got into your thoughts if i am the one or just another passerby in your life? I need answers. Solid answers.

When the expectations failed us, a crash is expecting to be met.

Maybe I really over-reacted that day. After putting down all the emotions, I felt almost like a madcap girlfriend who is trying to force her boyfriend to listen and follow to her demands obediently. Even when he apologized, I know he just said it to avoid triggering my emotions to go berserk again.

But seriously I am hurt by his words and actions. All this while, I held my head so high up about myRichard for being the best boyfriend that I am ever had. Everything seems to be so fine; could almost describe as fairytale-perfect and I can never project him that he would talk to me like how he did that afternoon. It was unpredicted to be that hurtful until all the crying, shouting, frustrations flopped in. This is not what I really wanted in a relationship; I am expecting us to be healthy couple that hardly argues. We were doing well at the very beginning but collapsed in the midst. I know it is a norm thing, as all couples in the early stage are always at their sweetest simply because they have yet to discover the real self of the other half and learn about him/her inside out. And now that, we both do.

All I am. Being a crybaby, a demanding person, an ill-tempered girlfriend who tries to seek for endless attention from her boyfriend, have an issue with my mum, drool when I sleep and snore intermittently, lusty and dirty-minded, rude with lingual profanity, stubborn, etc etc etc it’s going to be endless…and as I list my flaws down, I begin to realize that I am the reason why he is reacting at such ways. BUT, he is imperfect too.

All he is. He made me beg him for “da boom boom” session and out of 100 promises, only 5% will be delivered. Mr. Nice Guy…but sometimes he just made me feel, to every single girl also he is that soft spoken and caring. A filial son to his parents but he is also a strict elder brother to his siblings. As months to come, he is hiding so much of stuff reluctantly to share with me. My instinct told me so.

Sigh. I felt we are both going nowhere. He is just too occupied with his career and sometimes, how I wished; he will just manage his time well and spend quality time with me. I do not need a boyfriend to be physically there while doing his own stuff and neglecting me alone in his room. I rather much to have him beside me in the bed and I can hug him to sleep. I feel crappy and all alone even though I know he is just right outside the bedroom door. I am feeling worse about the both of us. I seriously wish for a wake up call before we are hitting a slump.

Im sad.

How do you define love? Or how can we maintain love as at beginning we seek for it? I seem to lost it. I have tried my very best in every relationship to save it from sinking but over the time and experiences I pulled through, i suck. Suck to fulfil their needs or wants as a goodgirlfriend.

I put on my best make up today. Eagerly to go out for lunch and movie catch up with myRichard. But it ended up sourish. I broke down in tears, i vented out my frustrations by hurting myself, i yelled and screamed frantically in his car. All these because he shouted at me, used nasty words on me... even if I did nothing wrong. What has come between us?

Why is it hurt so badly till i behaved such way? What damages have I done to our relationship? I seriously have no idea. Maybe it is not meant for my understanding. But over the year, we both changed. He has changed, so do i. I no longer rest assure if his feelings towards me are as the strong as what we first had, but definitely the ways he used to talk to me or the ways he used to care about me are different. And my tears just wont stop dripping from my face, even at this very minute.


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Birthdays

A little bit of him and me.








Birthday Lunch with Birthday boy @ Genting





The 388 birthday dinner he spent on me and my brother, Joe! Don't be fooled by the close up shot. Its one freaking tiny miny little abalone. :p





We were too busy in the casino and missed the final countdown of him being 29. Haha... So, i rushed him to Starbucks and bought him a cup size tiramisu. My man turns fcuking 30 already and notice the burberry wallet laying aside of that cake... Thats what I got for him for his 30th birthday! Broke to the max but worth every cents of it as he likes it awesomely. :)








My birthday gift from myRichard. Haha... I was expecting a Gucci tote, rather than an iPad 2 with Gucci wallpaper. But still, loving it heaps as I know it aint cheap! Hahaha!







This is the reason why I "heart" having my birthday on 31st.

Note: I have actually draft a very long post of my latest happenings yesterday at my work laptop. Mostly on words rather than pictures but I forgot to save it and someone actually cancel it off. Im mad but i can't do a thing about it. Perhaps when i am in the mood again, i will blog more. :)


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