Cracks and tears

I thought i could have happier posts to upload but i couldn't help myself from not crying that its going to be another disappointment for me. I love you and gave all my trust to you eventhough you had it broken once but how much of a pain someone can afforf to take? It is so fcukingly painful that I don't even know how to stop it. Stop making me as an option anymore because i should not be one. No one should. When will that one fine day comes when you will start appreciating me and take my words for goodness sake?

I really hate it most when you are turning yourself into a chain smoker and an alcoholic? Do you love yourself and your health so I know i will be in good hands? Someone I can trust well that he would take good care of me for the entire life. How can you be that someone when you are ruining yourself and our dying relationshsip. I was hoping so badly you are the right one... My one and only Mr. Right. I thought i found you... I really do. I have tried many ways to accomodate you. You dont have enough time hence i do not mind spending all the time I have by walking forward and moving into your lifestyle to suit you... You are tired hence I dont mind i am sleeping over at your place by driving myself over than have you to stop by at my home after work... You are stressful and need time to be alone hence i dont mind sleeping alone in the room and hugging myself to sleep... But do you know that although i dont mind... I will somehow get tired some day. Maybe i will be too tired to stay because you no longer worth for me to fight for anymore.

Lately, i am having so many silly thoughts. I was thinking if I should transfer to KL so that when we have less chances to meet, you will tend to give me more of your time to listen to me, to really care for my wellbeings and inner feelings. Maybe you might realized by then we only have weekends to spend together, then you will stop drinking, stop smoking, stop leaving me alone in your room, stop all the things i dislike and you will love me more than you ought to be. Or maybe you wouldn't have hurt me this much and this deep like tonight... I really wish i can cut open my heart and show it to you how freaking painful it is. Stop asking me to stop crying... Because every single crack in my heart is the every single tear I shed. You will know it one day by how much your love mean to me or you will discover one day by how deep is my love for you... And when the one fine day comes, i might have been too tired to continue loving you this way.

I dont care whether R or J is the right one or the culprit... I care only for you who had broken my trust over and over again. Why am I always your option where your brothers, career and family are far beyond me?