So, where do we go from now?

5th APRIL 2010. 1.30 am
Things seem to be unable to relapse back to the same old days before. Things uttered out cannot be taken back as well. So where do we go from now? When I read the over-lengthy sms KF sent me, I assumed that he has gone too tired in pursuing me and maybe, its too time consuming to chase after the empty air. With the message contents, I have concluded he has given up. I don’t feel that it is an erroneous decision; in fact, I really think I am not the right kind of girl he is looking into.

I appreciate the every little thing he has done for me. From being my personal “taxi driver” to becoming a dear friend who has a great patience dealing with my broken moments and keeping me accompanied in whatever I wanted to do. I do not care what others may see it that I am taking him for granted. Honestly I have never asked for anything from him nor do I demand him to treat me this way. I understand when you love a person; you will go all out and reach out for him/her and always wanted her to be in the best condition in life. Hence, he has done all those just for me. All these would not have happened if I didn't show interest for him from the beginning. I wanted to try if I may like him and in fact I do...but the feelings are very ephemeral. It happened too quickly and it ended too fast as well. The "like" can only maintain as it is and I can't form it into love although I do want to.

The only problem now is…ME. I don’t find him as my Mr. Right. I am not having definite specification on how my Mr. Right should be…but my inner self told me, he is not the one at the moment. I know I have been falling too many times for the wrong ones that I should really start to think to find someone who can be at a great patience to guide me and to grow old with me without leaving me. Who on earth doesn’t hope for this?

Love can be never fair, can be never equal. This amount of love you have poured out, you can’t possibly be assured to reclaim back the same amount of it. Yes, love can be frustrating but only if you have too many to expect or to demand than to really offer to others.

KF told me he is not pushing me to becoming his girlfriend but he has not realized the every little thing he has been doing has suffocated me circuitously. I don’t want him to stay in my room to watch me sleep at wee hours. I don’t like him being so extra sensitive with me interacting with others. He can’t tell me jokes that will make me laughed so hard till I fall from my bed. He can’t baby talk with me till I fall asleep with a smiling face still. He can never play sms with me interactively without being needy to meet up for a week or more. He can only make sure of my well being but you are not holding the key to my heart. Why I love my ex so much and I still do…basically is because I love doing these entire impractical things with him.

The almost 45 minutes spent in his car outside my house trying to talk things out has lead me to come to realize, we don’t match. KF kept telling me he understands, but I know he doesn’t. Why wanted to show others my written thoughts deliberately, I know my blog is not privatized but I just don’t find it comfortable that the blog has been made to read by others without much of self- voluntary. I know I am really mean that I don’t allow him to have one more minute to talk about this but even if I am giving him an hour…it is not going to bring us anywhere. I had enough of being in a relationship…why wanted me to commit which I don’t want to. Why can’t I just be where I am at now without being restricted? What do you all want from me? Another guy friend also suddenly wanted to be pushy…I need a break from all this. I don’t know why but I love staying at home more than anything else nowadays and I don't wish to drown myself with relationship issues anymore…If only I have the guts to just leave this place and find some peace somewhere and start afresh. All from nil. If only…