After 3 years of marriage. Just my thoughts.

3 years of being legally married, 6 years 4 months to sum up the togetherness. The journey isn't very fairtytale like. It's not happiness all the time. We were broken. The word or thought of divorce were thrown to each other quite often. I almost lose him.  But here, we are. Still husband and wife. I know I'm not going to find another man who loves me as the way he does, and I'm certainly sure he can't find someone who is going to love him as much as I do either.

At this very moment, I'm hoping so much he's never ever going to stray away.

Crushed. Broken. Whatever fcuk you may describe it.

My heart. It's crushed. Wanted so much to rip off my chest and take the heart out so I could end the pain and had enough of living in denials.

Wedding Bells...

Looking at the unfamiliar blogger screen layout, it clearly prove that I haven't been blogging for the longest time ever. Besides, I don't think there is anyone following this blog as well; hence with all the what-so-ever-reasons that has pull me off from the keyboard from writing/sharing.

It has been a very eventful year for me. Or shall I say, it is going to be an eventful year instead? MyRichard and I are tying the knot on 28 October this year. We are going to register first and the Chinese Wedding thingy is going to be held in next year September. A lot of people asked, how has he proposed to me and as much as I hope for the one in a lifetime's surprise proposal...It didn't happen. No flowers, no fancy dinner, no kneeling down, no surprises. We sort of like having those mutual acknowledgement that it is the time for us to settle down. :(

His parents have been pestering him to wed me. I am glad they sort of pressure him. At least, it gives a point that he is taking me for real and he is ready to step into another chapter with me. He even brought me to choose my own preferred wedding ring. I guess that's the main reason why there isn't any surprise proposal...He feared he might got me a ring which I dislike and I will start showing him my "dulan" face which then will spoil whatever surprises he tried to portray and eventually, the precious moment is killed. To save himself from such haunting scenario, he has made a safe move that is to bring me along to get the ring.

Although I am seeing the marriage coming, I am still feeling really excited that I even dragged my bff, Choyling, to go around looking for a nice dress/gown for my ROM. I managed to get a champagne color tube wedding gown at an almost impossible price. I know there are so much more to do for the planning and preparation. Luckily, it is only ROM this year and wedding in next year. :p

Seriously, the more I get to learn about myRichard...I realized he is not anything/anyone near to my Mr.Right wish-list...He has slowly becoming a husband figure to me. Not very much to my preferred kind of husband but oh well, it's a package, right? The funniest part is I am growing to love him even more despite the times he hurt me with all the lies. I guess it is all about love and feelings which I can never ever put them perfectly in words.

A proposal, perhaps?

My blog was in total silence for 5 whole months. Just not keen in sharing so much about the relationship anymore. We are doing fine like every other couple. We squabble, we fight, we use nasty words on each other…but we also kiss, we hug, and we still love each other heaps. However, things were rather cold lately. Like I felt we seem to have lost the strong feelings we used to have at the beginning. Repeatedly, I have been refraining myself not to think too much as this is the cycle of love.

We made plans to get our own house, our very own home by next year. Buying a house together is like an understatement that our relationship is secured. It is still an initial plan; let’s just wait for it to happen. But if things come true, I really hope for a proper proposal and not just let’s-get-married mode. After all, it is a marriage. Once in a lifetime thingy and who wouldn’t want it to be a memorable and touching one?

Death

This blog is dead. For some time. The writer has gone back to the reality where she is busy babysitting a new family addition. Hahaha!

Introducing you my baby cousie, Xin Er. She is dominating so much of my time... Super adorable. I am so obsessed with her now.

So Much Win & So Much Loss

21/02/12

I have a very good Valentine’s celebration. With all of the little effort he pours in, we seem to be getting better. And I am so proud of him that he is gaining back my trust bits by bits. My relationship with his family has also deepens. “So much win”

I went out dinner with his family last night and it is my very first time to dine without the presence of my boyfriend. We talked a lot, gossiped a lot…His family shared so much of myRichard’s ex girlfriends stories to me. I guess it is a blessing in disguise to have such a bonding with his family even though he is not so much of the 101% good boyfriend I used to have.

However, lately our relationship seems to be blossoming. I know it is a good sign, that’s why I try not to input negative thoughts whereby most likely he feels the guilt of cheating on me thus he treats me better. I really hope he has changed for good without intended to hurt me again.

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This was what I drafted earlier and let it sitting in my bin without posting it. A month later, I came up with another post which drastically draw out the contrast.

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20/03/2012

I threw him a question yesterday when he was tucking me to bed. I asked him if he is ever serious being in a relationship with me. He gave me a curious look and by looking into my eyes, he commented that he is serious and getting married is just a matter of time. I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel secure. I don’t feel the honesty or sincerity. I just don’t feel the gratification or maybe I had enough of his promises which are merely just words and not actions.

I wanted to settle down with him but I just felt he is no longer the Mr. Right that I used to love so much. I wanted us to last but he doesn’t project to me anymore that he is taking me seriously as my instinct always tell me that he still wants to play around. Maybe I shouldn’t be giving myself fake hopes anymore that he is the one. Perhaps this time, God has not written him in my destiny as well. Once and for all, I am stuck whether I should continue to wait for changes or start packing up my stuff to leave before my youth sells me off. It can never be a happy decision on either way.

No one guarantees happiness. Not even myself.

This Valentine's

We used to hate Christmas because the seasonal occasion reminded us so much of the painful memories our ex(s) used to had left behind. Valentine’s Day is not a fancy date either, as I used to celebrate it with flings rather than a boyfriend. But all these started to change when you stepped into my life and being a big part of it and I can’t find any reason not to love you even more. Our memories are once beautifully written in the year 2010 where we took a bold step together to embrace each other by starting our life as a couple. At that moment, yes…I could give up a century just to live on that moment.

* Blek blek blek
* Bu bu jiak
* Milo Powder & Mary Biscuits
* Daisy & Rebecca
* Susan Boyle
* Our 3 minutes session
* Singalingam Night
* Breaking Tebu
* Batman & Robin ice cream
* Pat Pat So So
* Release Letter

I know the list can goes on and on because there are just so much of those little things that complete a bigger picture of our relationship. Beginning is always the sweetest, many have lost what they first felt about each other in the years to come and the most challenging part is how to keep our relationship going strong and making it last. We both know we have to keep it, the importance to fight for it and we even need to work hard for it. One could never love too much and one could not love too less…

I used to be so sure about us, so sure of you being my Mr. Right but the small patch of stain you left me on 05 January this year, it seriously hurts me deeply and I am still recovering from it. I no longer hold the same amount of faith and believe I used to have in you but I know I am fighting to get them back because I don’t want to give up on us yet. At least, not now. It was truly disappointing that you allowed our relationship to be ridden on bumpy road whereby you could possibly avoid all these by just being on the right track. All I could say is “Life is a bitch itself, it just fucks us all.”

Happy post-dated Valentines’s, baby! It is going to be our second Valentine’s. If you are sure that I am the one and only, then made me stay. Or else, celebrate it with someone you think can be replaced over my status in your heart and life. I just do not need another heartbreak again before walking off completely and being silly enough to had loved you deeply once.