Convergence or Divergence?

This Valentine's

2012-02-08T12:35:00.001+08:00

We used to hate Christmas because the seasonal occasion reminded us so much of the painful memories our ex(s) used to had left behind. Valentine’s Day is not a fancy date either, as I used to celebrate it with flings rather than a boyfriend. But all these started to change when you stepped into my life and being a big part of it and I can’t find any reason not to love you even more. Our memories are once beautifully written in the year 2010 where we took a bold step together to embrace each other by starting our life as a couple. At that moment, yes…I could give up a century just to live on that moment.

* Blek blek blek
* Bu bu jiak
* Milo Powder & Mary Biscuits
* Daisy & Rebecca
* Susan Boyle
* Our 3 minutes session
* Singalingam Night
* Breaking Tebu
* Batman & Robin ice cream
* Pat Pat So So
* Release Letter

I know the list can goes on and on because there are just so much of those little things that complete a bigger picture of our relationship. Beginning is always the sweetest, many have lost what they first felt about each other in the years to come and the most challenging part is how to keep our relationship going strong and making it last. We both know we have to keep it, the importance to fight for it and we even need to work hard for it. One could never love too much and one could not love too less…

I used to be so sure about us, so sure of you being my Mr. Right but the small patch of stain you left me on 05 January this year, it seriously hurts me deeply and I am still recovering from it. I no longer hold the same amount of faith and believe I used to have in you but I know I am fighting to get them back because I don’t want to give up on us yet. At least, not now. It was truly disappointing that you allowed our relationship to be ridden on bumpy road whereby you could possibly avoid all these by just being on the right track. All I could say is “Life is a bitch itself, it just fucks us all.”

Happy post-dated Valentines’s, baby! It is going to be our second Valentine’s. If you are sure that I am the one and only, then made me stay. Or else, celebrate it with someone you think can be replaced over my status in your heart and life. I just do not need another heartbreak again before walking off completely and being silly enough to had loved you deeply once.

blank

2012-01-07T14:15:00.001+08:00

Never have I expect that the truth behind the lies can be so brutally painful. My hands trembled, I was shivering and immediately broke down in tears and out of speech when I logged into myRichard’s facebook account and read the conversation he had with his staff, ARA. I felt like a complete fool to them. I felt betrayed and chuck in fears.

I brave myself to confront to myRichard, all I got is a crappy explanation where he claimed there is no physical contact but just flirtatious form of conversation. Isn’t that enough to made severe damage to our relationship? No physical contact does not mean you can still go and flirt around verbally, that certainly does not mean you are right.
You have no rights to hurt me like this. I don’t deserve all these.

Paco Cho,

What am I to you? Why the hell must you tear my heart apart? How can both of you be so fake to me and covered up with so much of lies? I really really felt like a fool to you. And not a girlfriend. Not at all. I am expecting you to treat me right, to protect me and to love me with all of your heart and not cutting me deep now by betraying me and lying to me.

You have not slept her yet…but FLIRTING with her is WRONG. IS SO DAMN WRONG. I tried to give my best to you, and I love you so much that I can be god-damn sure you can never find someone else loving you the way like I do now. I put you ahead of my everything but what did I get in return? A heart wrenching truth behind all the lies. How can you be so brutal to me…what did I done wrong?

Stop asking me to forget what had happened, to erase what I just read from your conversation with her…If I managed to do so, I wouldn’t even crying at this second I am blogging this out…I don’t know how to heal myself. I do not know what to do.
I am not strong enough to fight this alone. I am not feeling alright……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Bad Christmas

2011-12-27T09:29:00.001+08:00

Bought him enough of clothes as Christmas gifts while mine need to be delayed due to his financial issue. Luckily didn’t really put much hope on it hence I am not that harshly disappointed. Bought him a card and even draft out the Christmas wishes under my iPhone notes but I trashed it in the end. Why? We somehow put up a fight on Christmas’s eve. Yes. Christmas was spoiled to a total max.

We just passed through Christmas like every single ordinary night in our life except that I cried and laughed too much at the same time. Maybe I should comfort myself in a way that “at least, I don’t get dumped on Christmas just like two years back”. Flashing back the first Christmas that we endured, I could felt so much of contentment in it that I really miss the good old days. Well, life goes on. We had a bad Christmas this year doesn’t mean the next coming one is going to be worse, right?

Positive thinking, Positive aura…..I need the entire good “chi” to keep this relationship going. I should really really really wait for my Prada wishlist to be granted as promised by him. Hope it is not another blank promise from him. And no, I am not being materialistic, just realistic. It is a promise made by him hence he has to commit into it. Furthermore, he has got my notebook (last year christmas present) stolen. So, I should be gifted a "Prada". Teeheehee... Enough of gucci already. :p

Protected.

2011-12-01T09:28:00.004+08:00

I love my man. Never had I felt he was that protective until last night where the motherfcuka elderly bitch and her daughter scolded me sarcastically at his workplace. I wished badly that they will get killed in a freak accident and their souls will be perished in hell. Mean? Not if you really see how they scolded and shouted at me in public when I just kept mum. I sincerely hope for the both of them, the elderly bitchy mother and the tomboy-ish daughter to die in the most freaky way. Enough of cursing. Mood spoiler kaw kaw.

But I seriously wanted to share out how manly is my man when he pointed finger at those bitches and asked them to watch her words. Heart heart heart! :) Of course, my mood was badly hit but it is suppresed with the presence of the boyfriend and his manly gesture to keep me protected. <3

Cracks and tears

2011-11-04T00:19:00.004+08:00

I thought i could have happier posts to upload but i couldn't help myself from not crying that its going to be another disappointment for me. I love you and gave all my trust to you eventhough you had it broken once but how much of a pain someone can afforf to take? It is so fcukingly painful that I don't even know how to stop it. Stop making me as an option anymore because i should not be one. No one should. When will that one fine day comes when you will start appreciating me and take my words for goodness sake?

I really hate it most when you are turning yourself into a chain smoker and an alcoholic? Do you love yourself and your health so I know i will be in good hands? Someone I can trust well that he would take good care of me for the entire life. How can you be that someone when you are ruining yourself and our dying relationshsip. I was hoping so badly you are the right one... My one and only Mr. Right. I thought i found you... I really do. I have tried many ways to accomodate you. You dont have enough time hence i do not mind spending all the time I have by walking forward and moving into your lifestyle to suit you... You are tired hence I dont mind i am sleeping over at your place by driving myself over than have you to stop by at my home after work... You are stressful and need time to be alone hence i dont mind sleeping alone in the room and hugging myself to sleep... But do you know that although i dont mind... I will somehow get tired some day. Maybe i will be too tired to stay because you no longer worth for me to fight for anymore.

Lately, i am having so many silly thoughts. I was thinking if I should transfer to KL so that when we have less chances to meet, you will tend to give me more of your time to listen to me, to really care for my wellbeings and inner feelings. Maybe you might realized by then we only have weekends to spend together, then you will stop drinking, stop smoking, stop leaving me alone in your room, stop all the things i dislike and you will love me more than you ought to be. Or maybe you wouldn't have hurt me this much and this deep like tonight... I really wish i can cut open my heart and show it to you how freaking painful it is. Stop asking me to stop crying... Because every single crack in my heart is the every single tear I shed. You will know it one day by how much your love mean to me or you will discover one day by how deep is my love for you... And when the one fine day comes, i might have been too tired to continue loving you this way.

I dont care whether R or J is the right one or the culprit... I care only for you who had broken my trust over and over again. Why am I always your option where your brothers, career and family are far beyond me?

Cracks and tears

2011-11-04T00:19:00.003+08:00

I thought i could have happier posts to upload but i couldn't help myself from not crying that its going to be another disappointment for me. I love you and gave all my trust to you eventhough you had it broken once but how much of a pain someone can afforf to take? It is so fcukingly painful that I don't even know how to stop it. Stop making me as an option anymore because i should not be one. No one should. When will that one fine day comes when you will start appreciating me and take my words for goodness sake?

I really hate it most when you are turning yourself into a chain smoker and an alcoholic? Do you love yourself and your health so I know i will be in good hands? Someone I can trust well that he would take good care of me for the entire life. How can you be that someone when you are ruining yourself and our dying relationshsip. I was hoping so badly you are the right one... My one and only Mr. Right. I thought i found you... I really do. I have tried many ways to accomodate you. You dont have enough time hence i do not mind spending all the time I have by walking forward and moving into your lifestyle to suit you... You are tired hence I dont mind i am sleeping over at your place by driving myself over than have you to stop by at my home after work... You are stressful and need time to be alone hence i dont mind sleeping alone in the room and hugging myself to sleep... But do you know that although i dont mind... I will somehow get tired some day. Maybe i will be too tired to stay because you no longer worth for me to fight for anymore.

Lately, i am having so many silly thoughts. I was thinking if I should transfer to KL so that when we have less chances to meet, you will tend to give me more of your time to listen to me, to really care for my wellbeings and inner feelings. Maybe you might realized by then we only have weekends to spend together, then you will stop drinking, stop smoking, stop leaving me alone in your room, stop all the things i dislike and you will love me more than you ought to be. Or maybe you wouldn't have hurt me this much and this deep like tonight... I really wish i can cut open my heart and show it to you how freaking painful it is. Stop asking me to stop crying... Because every single crack in my heart is the every single tear I shed. You will know it one day by how much your love mean to me or you will discover one day by deep is my love for you... And when the one fine day comes, i might be too tired to continue loving you this way.

Calling...

2011-11-03T16:45:00.001+08:00

Life is fair. Happiness does not last and sadness is not permanent as well. So, I can’t prolly be so pessimistic about my current relationship with myRichard. Can’t deny the lovey dovey feelings used to be much stronger and deeper in the beginning, and the love spark now isn’t as flammable like how it used to be seen or felt. Oh well, I guess the concern now is no longer to moan or whine or vent on the history but how to keep the relationship going and continue to fight for someone I really think who worth all these.

Well, if I screwed up and got hurt badly...At least, I can whisper to myself saying that I have tried and done my role rather than giving up straight off. :p

holding grudges.

2011-10-21T15:05:00.002+08:00

I am still struggling. Struggling to seek for an acknowledgement or better said, an affirmation, if he is still in love with me. I didn’t entirely move in to stay with him but I have been sleeping over at his place for a couple of months already. The physical distance got closer but strangely, I am feeling we are more than distant than we used to be. We have not been intimate for almost past three months, no matter how much I try to beg for it. Yes, I used the word “beg” as I really did but in return, it was all rejection and disappointment. I seriously have no idea if the problem is with me or it is with him.
He just made me feel unappreciated, trashed aside. Maybe I no longer appeal to him as once attractive or beautiful hence, he always used very mean description on me. Fat and Ugly. As much as he thinks I am that fat or ugly…he doesn’t really need to speak out and be it a joke or a fact, I am hurt, literally.

Too many of sappy and complaints blog entries lately, damn unhealthy. It seems I no longer know how to blog with happy moments I have endured with him. I really wish time would tell how serious is he with me. I am hoping badly the thoughts and words of buying house together and settling down...is not just another talk-cock-sing-song kind of thing. Baby, show me a future and not a dead end.

An act of violence

2011-09-22T13:09:00.002+08:00

We quarreled again. Basically, it’s a 10 minutes of argument on the intimacy issue, where he spoke in a soft but angered tone that I am very annoying which then I grabbed his hand asking him to say that again…eventually he raised up his hand threatening to slap/bash me if I don’t let go. Of course, I let off my grip and as expected, tears kept flowing down my cheeks. Intense fear start pumping in and frightened that one fine day when he will just lost his control and start to lay his hands on me.

Seriously, while I was crying in his room…The thought of packing up my stuff and leave crossed my mind. Maybe it was just an intense impulse to do so out of fear and disappointment, hence in the end, I chose to stay. I felt a threat in our relationship whereby from that moment he stared at me irately and lifted up his hands showing a sign of violence, my heart was almost went dead. I cannot believe my eyes and it is too painful for me to believe, my very own boyfriend almost laid his hands on me.

He came in and kept apologizing after that. I just don’t understand why the closest person to me and who claimed to have loved me most could actually treat me so maliciously. He just made me feel I am so not worthy and finding faults to be treated such way. He never chose to raise his voice towards his family, brothers, friends or even customers but why me? What some more, he tried to lay his hands on me. For once in a year plus we have been together, I am struggling to give up and I felt trapped in crossroad once again.

The "ex" factor

2011-09-05T10:07:00.002+08:00

I had funny feelings. About C. His ex. I mean it’s not that sort of controversial kind of jealousy feeling, as I clearly know she is so past tense but somehow someway, she just gave me funny feelings when we made eye contact back in my workplace. I have not bumped into her many years already, I think the last was back in college days where we used to stay under the same apartment and the only thing that got us connected was friendster then came in facebook. It feels funny to meet her in person especially deliberating the fact she is an ex to my current boyfriend and it is even funnier with the fact that we are actually friends all along.

It must be the “ex” issue has got the feelings a bit complex. Be it sincere or not, both talked a little at that point of contact and ended the short conversation with smiles. In fact, I had also bumped into few of his ex numerous times and things were still alright, I guess this one in particular is different mainly due to we were schoolmates for years. :p I was indeed worrying the possibilities of bumping into her if myRichard and I were to club in any night of the Raya week because they mix in the same group of people, by then, I would have even acted awkwardly with mixed feelings...Luckily, we chosed to stay home and spend boring hours than going alcoholic. Teehee... Blessing in disguise.

Trapped.

2011-08-18T01:02:00.001+08:00

There are moments i wished badly for you to hug me tight and whisper to my ears that i am your biggest achievement in life. Who does not wish for her boyfriend that thinks she is the best for him? Who does not want her boyfriend to be honest enough and sincere enough to love her every single day without fail? I used to have you doing that to me but somehow someway... You stopped. Without yourself realizing it.

I used to be your biggest catch. I used to be the best one for you or maybe those were times you made me felt i was your everything. You used to text me telling me how wonderful i was to you, how much i meant to you and how my presence has changed your life. Even if we don't get to meet, even if we prefer to hide from the public... Even if we both have yet to be official lovers. We had almost everything. Those strong feelings. Those sweet messages. Those unforgetable moments. And those precious 3 minutes sessions.

And now? Things are not so beautifully written anymore. I would like you to understand me better, to care for me like you used to be. Hence, i always try to make you to listen to my inner self. But in return, what do i get? That my very own boyfriend being ignorant.

I dont even understand why am I crying myself to sleep at this hour, knowing you are just right outside the living room watching tv. Because you just wouldn't care. Tonight in particular, you just made me feel i am meaningless to you and both of us are just heading to nowhere. I feel trapped. Trapped in fears and disappointments. Trapped within wastage of time and effort by making believe you are the right one.

Sometimes, all i need is just an assurance that you are still the old you when you made that decision to make me yours. Are you ever going to settle down with me? Or have it even got into your thoughts if i am the one or just another passerby in your life? I need answers. Solid answers.

When the expectations failed us, a crash is expecting to be met.

2011-08-14T15:16:00.002+08:00

Maybe I really over-reacted that day. After putting down all the emotions, I felt almost like a madcap girlfriend who is trying to force her boyfriend to listen and follow to her demands obediently. Even when he apologized, I know he just said it to avoid triggering my emotions to go berserk again.

But seriously I am hurt by his words and actions. All this while, I held my head so high up about myRichard for being the best boyfriend that I am ever had. Everything seems to be so fine; could almost describe as fairytale-perfect and I can never project him that he would talk to me like how he did that afternoon. It was unpredicted to be that hurtful until all the crying, shouting, frustrations flopped in. This is not what I really wanted in a relationship; I am expecting us to be healthy couple that hardly argues. We were doing well at the very beginning but collapsed in the midst. I know it is a norm thing, as all couples in the early stage are always at their sweetest simply because they have yet to discover the real self of the other half and learn about him/her inside out. And now that, we both do.

All I am. Being a crybaby, a demanding person, an ill-tempered girlfriend who tries to seek for endless attention from her boyfriend, have an issue with my mum, drool when I sleep and snore intermittently, lusty and dirty-minded, rude with lingual profanity, stubborn, etc etc etc it’s going to be endless…and as I list my flaws down, I begin to realize that I am the reason why he is reacting at such ways. BUT, he is imperfect too.

All he is. He made me beg him for “da boom boom” session and out of 100 promises, only 5% will be delivered. Mr. Nice Guy…but sometimes he just made me feel, to every single girl also he is that soft spoken and caring. A filial son to his parents but he is also a strict elder brother to his siblings. As months to come, he is hiding so much of stuff reluctantly to share with me. My instinct told me so.

Sigh. I felt we are both going nowhere. He is just too occupied with his career and sometimes, how I wished; he will just manage his time well and spend quality time with me. I do not need a boyfriend to be physically there while doing his own stuff and neglecting me alone in his room. I rather much to have him beside me in the bed and I can hug him to sleep. I feel crappy and all alone even though I know he is just right outside the bedroom door. I am feeling worse about the both of us. I seriously wish for a wake up call before we are hitting a slump.

Im sad.

2011-08-03T14:51:00.001+08:00

How do you define love? Or how can we maintain love as at beginning we seek for it? I seem to lost it. I have tried my very best in every relationship to save it from sinking but over the time and experiences I pulled through, i suck. Suck to fulfil their needs or wants as a goodgirlfriend.

I put on my best make up today. Eagerly to go out for lunch and movie catch up with myRichard. But it ended up sourish. I broke down in tears, i vented out my frustrations by hurting myself, i yelled and screamed frantically in his car. All these because he shouted at me, used nasty words on me... even if I did nothing wrong. What has come between us?

Why is it hurt so badly till i behaved such way? What damages have I done to our relationship? I seriously have no idea. Maybe it is not meant for my understanding. But over the year, we both changed. He has changed, so do i. I no longer rest assure if his feelings towards me are as the strong as what we first had, but definitely the ways he used to talk to me or the ways he used to care about me are different. And my tears just wont stop dripping from my face, even at this very minute.

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Birthdays

2011-07-07T09:49:00.001+08:00

A little bit of him and me.

Birthday Lunch with Birthday boy @ Genting

The 388 birthday dinner he spent on me and my brother, Joe! Don't be fooled by the close up shot. Its one freaking tiny miny little abalone. :p

We were too busy in the casino and missed the final countdown of him being 29. Haha... So, i rushed him to Starbucks and bought him a cup size tiramisu. My man turns fcuking 30 already and notice the burberry wallet laying aside of that cake... Thats what I got for him for his 30th birthday! Broke to the max but worth every cents of it as he likes it awesomely. :)

My birthday gift from myRichard. Haha... I was expecting a Gucci tote, rather than an iPad 2 with Gucci wallpaper. But still, loving it heaps as I know it aint cheap! Hahaha!

This is the reason why I "heart" having my birthday on 31st.

Note: I have actually draft a very long post of my latest happenings yesterday at my work laptop. Mostly on words rather than pictures but I forgot to save it and someone actually cancel it off. Im mad but i can't do a thing about it. Perhaps when i am in the mood again, i will blog more. :)

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Anti-depression pills needed.

2011-06-08T10:00:00.000+08:00

Being too emo lately will only suck you up to the depression’s room. Which I think I am depressed and needed a drink or two. Drove my way to Barbeza to meet up with a few good friends and normally these guys are just full of craps, rather than facts. It surprised me that the night was filled up with so many advices and their thoughts on relationship. I wasn’t expecting to open up my feelings to them but I did. It is a good thing though, or at least I thought so to myself. I needed air to breathe; I think I boxed myself up too much by being over doing stuff people don’t need or appreciate. I believed so much that the rough road has been paved so I could walk on it without worries or doubts but turned out to be untrue. There are still many pebbles lying almost everywhere and holes that I afraid I may stumble and fall into if I take any blind step further. Who says life is easy. Better re-quote that.

Can we go back to the beginning where everything seems so promising? I wanted badly on the frequent sms conversations we used to have. Those intimacies we both felt about. I just felt along the way, we both have lost a lot of great moments we both shared. The feelings were so much stronger and real back then. I could have loved you less too. I just don’t feel you love me enough or perhaps I’m being over-demanding lately. I just want this depression to go away. As in right now.

You could have been honest.

2011-05-23T01:58:00.001+08:00

Sometimes i just felt he is not being completely honest with me but men are always men. Full of lies and cover up stories or their own self-assumption which what they "believe" the wrongs are the right ones.

You are putting more fear into my life. You lied professionally. Congratulations, you just made me felt a little bit being uneasy with your doings. So, i should expect myself to be more prepared dealing with your lies? Looking at you popping Dormicium rather than any allery pill like you mentioned last night, I was thrilled. So you lied. No big deal. You know I will go against you because you are aware those stuff aint good for health and you actually covered it up by lying to me. Thank you for turning my worries into unnecessity.

"She" told me about Dormicium before and I rest assured her that you are in good hands. Maybe I am just not good enough for you to quit that bad habit of yours? Because I thought those are history and you are a brand new you. At this moment, you made me feel like a clown. She is so right about you and I think she really understands or know you much more than I do. Matter like this also you can lied to me, what about any other issue which are more serious?

I felt silly. About myself. To care for someone whom I love most and to find out, he can lie without having a blink on his eyes. Thank you for giving me such a great pre birthday gift this year. And now, i finally annouce you that, the trust has been broken. Do whatever you like which you think is "right", because from this second onwards... Even if you are telling the true about consuming allery pill, I will go doubtful.

In case you are unaware, lie is the most painful tool and caused the most severe damage to the heart. I heard a crack on mine... But i bet you will never care. I am just wasting my time here. You could have been honest but you chosed not to. Maybe I wouldnt have reacted this way too.

Ke-bo-san-an!

2011-05-11T02:13:00.000+08:00

Just accept the fact I don't blog much nowadays. I seem not to like writing as much as I used to. I think I am bored with my own words. Haha... Think I'm bored with my own self too.

Feeling rather much moody in almost every possible minute. Must be the force of hidden pressure at work and the rather low profile social night life lately. I need to have a life. A real one. A family perhaps to keep myself busy??? Nah, he isn't ready and I don't want to push him to the walls... Hmmmph. Okay, I crap too much this time. Time for slumberland. Goodnight, world. -.-

Wait...Hold up...Maybe I should start hypnotizing myRichard to get me Gucci for my coming birthday. But that's a waste of time and total disappointment. He rejected me for 509,342,780 times already and still counting. I should have just dig deeper into my sleep now so that I could dream of something more of fairy tales coming true but they don't mention LV, Prada, Gucci, etc in storybooks or do they? Gawd... I'm so pathetic. Well, goodnight, world, for the second time! :p

A full mark boyfriend

2011-04-29T13:28:00.002+08:00

You know your boyfriend is at his sweetest when it is drizzling right now and you forgotten to bring your purse to work, he actually dropped by, get down from the car and walked over under the mild rain and handed you some pocket money.

But the real truth is:
So happened he’s around my work place a while ago and I refused to walk over to his car to get the cash. Hence, he ended up without a choice but to get down from the car and pass me the cash but he is still so sweeeeeet right? Haha… I love myRichard.

Selfish-love

2011-04-11T14:25:00.001+08:00

Someone just passed the news yesterday that one of myRichard’s friend has passed away. A girl. Prolly only aged 25. That’s pretty young. She only lived a quarter of a lifespan of a hundred years. Well, I remembered meeting her for a few times at the same club, Oval, and the most recent one was like 2 months back at Alan’s house during cny. She was on drugs and her skeleton-like body sometimes scared me. I am so afraid if I shake her hand a little too hard, I might have the possibility breaking off her whole arm. But the point is she’s gone. I am not even close to her at all but I felt so restless about the news. It triggered me for a while that life is short. It is too short for all the wrongdoings and regrets. If she were to live healthier, stay away from those harmful threats of drugs and try eating more, I think her lifespan shouldn’t be this short. I am sure her family and close friends having a hard time digesting the news but they just have to deal with it strongly. RIP, Stephanie!!! *May you found your peace up there!*

I remembered losing a friend few years back. He was also around 20 plus when he suddenly fainted and went into coma and died. It was merely 24 hours and he was gone. Just like that. I couldn’t agree more that life is so fragile that you do not know what you are missing till it’s gone. That’s why I do not hold back in confessing my love to myRichard every single day.

Sometimes, I do impractically question myself, if I am gone one day, how is it going to be for myRichard to adapt to my gone ness. It is so sudden that maybe I wouldn’t even has a chance to say goodbye. And what if…it is another way around? We have built our lives so much among ourselves that we don’t seem wanted to grow apart. I hope we will have the chance of growing old together and still be as loving as ever and God is not allowed to take him away from me. Unless, I died first. :P

what matters most

2011-03-15T09:05:00.000+08:00

It burns my heart whenever I see him struggling with his troubled mind trying hard to settle off his problems. Be it financial, be it career, be it anything…I just seem to be a not so fulfilling girlfriend to him. I wanted to share his lows and downs, I wanted to be right there for him whenever he needs me to, and for the utmost, I just wanted him to be happy at all times.

Never have I seen him being so out of mood before. He seems like going through some depression and at first, he doesn’t even want to open up to me until one night, he told me about the pressure and problem he is dealing with. I felt so shallow in an instant that I always pester him for this and that and even raising up my voice talking to him if he doesn’t please me with the things he does. That is the night that I hugged him so tightly to sleep. That is also the night I felt my love for him has gone so deep that freedom and money is no longer a matter to me anymore.

I will never ever again to complain if he has not spent enough for me. I will never ever again to pester him for any ridiculously expensive gifts. myRichard is more than all these. Yes, it struck for a little while when others try to chuck in their two cents worth of sayings to me that I need to marry a man who can give me happiness and who can ease my financial worries. I believe in myRichard will do his level best to give me everything he could afford of. It is just a matter of time.

Being my Valentine

2011-02-14T11:59:00.001+08:00

Some say, LOVE is simple. Some say, LOVE is demanding. He says, LOVE is everything and I say, LOVE is all about you and me.

Mr. Boyfriend @ myRichard @ Bulat Cho, has a Maxis Dealer’s dinner to attend on Valentine’s Day itself, hence I have no rights to cage him up selfishly for myself. We somehow had a pre-Valentine’s dinner at San Francisco Steakhouse on the eve and followed by a movie, I <3 Hong Kong.

To be truthfully honest, I understand well that Valentine's Day is just like any extra ordinaire day where florist, restaurant and gift shops get the chance of slitting the throats of every men. If there is love, everyday is Valentine's. And yet, I still pester my baby for dinner, flowers and gifts! :p Talking about inconsiderate girlfriend. I admit I am. Tsk tsk tsk...

Thanks, love. For everything. The dinner, the gift, the movie and most of all, YOU...being with me through all the high and low, thick and thin. I love you heaps, my Valentine.

Special delivery to the center on Valentine's . A dozen of red roses.

Boyfriend's special message on a lousy standard florist card. Hehehe

:)

Facebook turns me into a stalker. OMG

2011-01-17T16:26:00.000+08:00

I just can’t understand better why I do not feel like blogging much lately. I have logged in numerous of times to my blog account but I just went with total blankness in choosing the words to write about. At one minute, I wished to share about stories between myRichard and me, but the next minute, I realized I just closed my netbook and continue lazing on my bed doing crappy stuff. eg. Fb-ing hours and hours reading friends’s posted status and going through those uploaded photos. I know I am such a pathetic loser who seem wasting so much of my pleasure time stalking on others and the most pathetic thing is I seem to be enjoying what I am doing. Sigh…

2010 ends with much surprises and love

2011-01-03T11:52:00.000+08:00

I had ended my 2010 year with so much of surprise and love. My boyfriend is my biggest catch in 2010. Nothing else seems to be happier than owning him selfishly. 2010 is so much of a year could ever bring. Not forgetting the lows too that had mold me a better girlfriend than before. It is so true. I have facts to support my statement eh. Also witnesses too. Hehe.

My 2010’s Christmas has pulled through and overcome what I had in 2009’s Christmas. I have never liked Christmas this much. Seriously. myRichard has made me feel, I am the happiest and luckiest girl ever to love and be loved unconditionally. Muacks, baby! Thanks thanks thanks. For the lovely Christmas dinner at Indulgence and also the acer’s aspire one netbook to kill my excessive boredom when you are at work. Simply loving the thoughtful gift of yours and in return, I do hope you love your surprise gifts as well.

I am so looking forward with the every special occasion to come, I wanted to spend it all being with myRichard.

Early Christmas Wishes

2010-12-10T21:42:00.005+08:00

"Painfully slogged through a hurtful Christmas last year and yet again, another Christmas is approaching near. I do ponder if Santa would compensate me with better things / happier moments for this year Christmas or not..."

This was my fb post status prolly two weeks back. Never in any one-second-thought that I ever wanted to go through that phase again. A truly deeply heart wrenching moment, what a gift of love for my previous Christmas from the ex-boyfriend! So this year, instead of making wishes to get compensation for my Christmas gifts, I actually put myself in a spirit of giving instead of receiving. Less expectation, less disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I still love good surprises and don't mind at all if myRichard wanted to shower me with branded handbags, diamond ring, cash, etc. However, just the other very night I showed him a Gucci tote bag online, immediately he closed my whole internet explorer. How mean!

But the surprise I got for him as Christmas gift has finally arrives today. Can't wait to get it nicely wrapped up and give it to him on Christmas eve. I am so freaking broke for the months to come but I think...at this moment, he truly worths all these. :)

myRichard + me @ Taipei

2010-11-29T16:14:00.006+08:00

Intense sorts of feeling was oozing out and drive me to blog today. There was a system glitch at work today; hence all my tasks are delayed and I guess that’s when the oozie feeling to blog pushes in.

Been a month after the Taipei trip with myRichard, the overall trip is partially alright only. Why? We can’t do much or travel to outdoor places as it was raining almost every single day there. Despite the doomed weather, I still spent awesome moments sticking to my boyfriend under the polka dots umbrella he stole from others. Hehe.

Out of the ordinary thing to do there is watching movies because tickets are so overpriced compared to Malaysia. But we went and watched anyway because we were too bored. LOL. We didn’t even club there and we don’t even know why…I guess our cash were mostly spent on food. We paid a visit to Hello Kitty Sweets for high tea, the overall ambience is so “Hello Kitty” and I am not really a big fan of it but it is one cool experience because Malaysia has none. Hehe…And the most scrumptious dinner ever I had in Taipei was the “Mala Hotpot” because they serve generous amount of good stuff, Haagen Dazs ice cream especially. Other than that, everything just seems down rated. Somehow, things there don’t really amuse me as much as Hong Kong does.
But but but, I still heart it heaps to go on a vacation with my loved one. :)

Hello Kitty Sweets~

MALA Hotpot at XiMenDing.

Nice movie with touching plots.

70 plus ringgit spent for wifi purpose. LOL. Anyway, I do heart "Haagen Dazs heaps.

Beer there is so cheap! Unbelievable eh...

Stuff that we bought. I overwritten him. Hahaha...

I love you baby!

2010-10-26T21:39:00.000+08:00

There are times where i will miss my ex tremendously, from the ways they love me or the ways they care for me... But i must always remember the ways how they tend to hurt me... Or else i won't find you in my arms and to experience what love is all about. Baby... Thanks for dropping by and to offer what others can't tend to give.

I love you so so so much...

I really wish we could proceed to the next step... To simply love you with what I have....

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A little bit of this and a little bit of that

2010-10-06T17:24:00.002+08:00

It's sad when someone you know, becomes someone you knew. When you can walk right past someone like they were a never big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk to them forever, but now you can barely even look at them. –copied from my facebook shout out.

KF and Ray (KF’s cousin) came to center last week to purchase iPhone4 and I made arrangement so that they did not need to queue up at all for the transaction. Our moment was just Hi and Bye only. My feelings was something like the above phrase that I highlighted in BOLD. I think we don’t bother to keep in touch ever since what happened on my birthday eve. I lost a friend just because we are not destined to be lovers, but I am not regretting also that I have chosen myRichard because that’s what I really wanted.

Any-the-way, my traveling dates are getting closer. I CAN HARDLY WAIT AT ALL. Sorry for the caps, I just wanted to throw out my anticipation for the trip. I guess I am overly excited until I had purchased a digital compact camera. I let go the limited edition T99 Sony cybershot with those encrusted crystal (the one I posted in my previous post entry) and bought Cybershot TX-1. Better features wor. Haha. I know nuts about cameras but as it was highly recommended by the sales person, I don’t see a “no” lor.

my newly bought camera

And my bestie, baby ChoyLing, has finally tied the knot with her beloved husband, Kevin Goh on last Sunday, which in fact, she has already signed the papers somewhere in May this year and the wedding dinner was a later announcement to the public. They are now declared as husband and wife legally and the biggest gift from God is they are expecting for their firstborn very the soonish. Eventually, baby is two months pregnant neh. I can’t wait to teach the little one how to say frog and whatever. I know I am a real bad influence. Hehe.

Travel buddy found~

2010-09-24T10:51:00.004+08:00

Travel buddy found.
Flight tickets bought.
Hotel room booked.
Places of Interest are researched.
*All-sponsored trip. Awesome, kan?

I will be intruding into Taipei next month with myRichard. 6 Days/ 5 nights on a foreign land with unknown sapiens. So looking forward into it. 4 more weeks counting down. It is going to be my first trip traveling to oversea with someone known as a boyfriend, wishing it will be a fun and unforgettable vacation together.

Planning to get a compact camera for the trip, my T9 Sony cybershot was nowhere in sight prolly two years back and I don't even bother to get a new one because iPhone is so convenient. Snap and can upload straight away to FB.

I must still get a proper digital camera to snap snap pictures with myRichard for our getaway vacation. Believe it or not, we have not really taken any picture together. The only one also is his buddy's birthday and it is a group pic some more. Am considering into getting the limited edition T99 Sony cybershot again. I was told Canon picture quality for night scene is much better but I am damn attracted to that Sony's camera design.

Very very tempting eh...

You made me sick. You fat bitch.

2010-09-17T20:45:00.003+08:00

A friend told me many funny things about myself. She heard from an ex Maxis promoter who shares the same name like I do said that I am a very materialistic person and that bitch has a shock of her life that my current boyfriend drives only a myvi and yet I have started a relationship with him. What is funnier is I turned down my ex, Wyman, when he wanted to court me back with the reason, he is driving a myvi. For fuck’s sake…I am so pissed.

I look into my boyfriend deep into his eyes piercing through his heart to know the fact, I am certainly being the happiest girl on earth to be showered with his love and not his MONEY and within these 3 months I can proudly tell everyone I am indeed a good girlfriend. To him, at least! Not all times lah, but I fcukingly make sure he will have his meal on time every time he is scheduled to be on road shows. I made no complaints to bring dinner for him even though I haven’t had mine. I even try to cook proper dishes for him. So am I doing all these for money’s sake? Bitch, you can suck my toes and lick my anus for all these lies you laid upon me.

So I was putting up a good show for everyone to see that I was being so ridiculously worried when he was sick and can’t reply or pick up my calls and text messages, is it? If I am all up just for money…I definitely won’t be together with my current boyfriend who I called myRichard. I do have a choice or should I say multiple choices…I was in dilemma when I do not know which one I wanted to be with as my options were more than just one...but I know I can’t really compare them with what I got now because myRichard has certainly become a big part of myself and he has definitely made a huge difference in my life now.

So, shut the fuck up bitch. Because you really had rage up my anger with those brainless quotes you made about me. You can go fuck yourself up and burn to death together with those dim-witted brain juices you left there. You can call me ill-tempered but not materialistic. I am just being realistic at times but who does not? That's why I choose my friends wisely. Unlike you who totally can't fit into my friend's list. I hope every lie you said about others would trigger a maggot's bite on your hairy nipple and very soon, your boobies will be damn rotten that they will eventually be seen dangling dettaching from your fat body. Awww...I feel so bad. :( BUT SCREW IT, YOU FAT BITCH. AMEN!

Sweet thoughts

2010-08-09T01:03:00.000+08:00

I am having myRichard sleeping right beside me now in a very cozy posture. I realized within a short periodical of a few months, I am totally falling completely in love with this man. He has surpassed everything that every single girl wishes her boyfriend to be. Too early to judge? But everything is so dreamlike being with him.

He has never fails in making me laugh at both of our clumsiness and silly stuff. We are reminded by his friends all the time that the world doesn't only consist me and him. Hehe... But to me, he is already my whole world.

Disconnected

2010-07-30T15:01:00.001+08:00

I felt so disconnected with him last night. I was out with friends for dinner and drinks till late night while he stayed home and slept early as he was feeling unwell. I don’t really enjoy my night as I was so distracted being worried about him. Rang him up a few times and left some messages via sms and FB. Wanted to drop by to see if he is doing alright or at least, I feel like giving him a big big hug and a kiss on the forehead but I am stuck and I can’t do anything. Just because I simply do not know where my boyfriend stays. -.-" Yes, I know I am a pathetic girlfriend. Hehehe. Well, at least, this morning when I gave him a morning call…I felt we are re-connected instantly again. :)

He is so yesterday.

2010-07-21T18:38:00.008+08:00

Today, I have received a call from an unknown kl fixed line number with an instant question of a man asking, " Can I ask you something?". I replied with much courtesy, "Yeah. But who am I speaking to?" It was sort of a long pause before the man decided to speak. "LAI KOK KEONG".

Well, the most recent ex called. Regarding about the contacts from the iPhone he gave back, that he does not know where to search for the contact list in his hotmail account where Wyman has assisted him to sync. I asked Wyman, Wyman asked me to reply him…We just assist to sync, nothing more. Find out for yourself. Well, that’s what you get when things turned sour.

I won’t deny that I hate him so much to an extent, which I hope he fcukingly so doesn’t exist at all. I don’t want to have a possible moment whereby any of his news is spread to my ears or having the worries bumping into his family members or himself in any places or any unexpected occasions. I wished so much that he can just fcukingly go die right now. I know people say mean things when they are wrapped with fuming anger but actually, they don’t mean what they said. But I do. That awfully painful moment he put me into, those heart wrenching and soul-less haunting days and nights. He has no fcuking idea how bad had the breakup done to me and nobody has an idea how I managed to slog through that excruciating phase including myself. Times when I keep calling, texting and email him hoping so much for a feedback or an answer but it never happen. All I know, everyone around me who wanted me to be good, who tried to bring away those pain from me…went hopeless and clueless till they gave up on me. Recalling back those moments now, I can almost feel an instant stabbing pain right away in my heart.

With the “broken me” he has left behind, certainly he is not irresponsible enough to be called as a man. I know I am not good enough to be considered as his girlfriend and I am not wishing for a fair deal now, but I always believe in karma. What comes around goes around. I didn’t realize too that one simple phone call and text from him can rise up so much of resentment within me. I thought I had and in fact, I have actually learned to let go but what I don't expect is, the overwhelming hatred can be regenerated so quickly within a jiffy.

I wish there are a machine which can erase memories completely like what Raymond Lam has mentioned in the movie, "The Mysteries of Love." Seeing how struggle Tavia Yeung going through the break up, I can almost fall into her cast role and feel it personally as a whole. I tried too much and tried too hard till I found myself the silliest person now to have had love that man whole-heartedly. I know I used to love him alot, much more than anything else and I used blog about him happily...but its all gone. Damn gone. I am so much better off without him. :) Wasted of time and effort, huh? Yeah. Truly a waste.

Is "round" considered a shape?

2010-07-19T17:25:00.001+08:00

I managed to finish all my reports and backend task right before 5pm today. Means I get to go home early and have a short nap to prepare myself for tonight’s mind-fcuking session watching Inception. Well, at least, that’s what I was told about the movie. Hehehe. Tomorrow will be my off day as well… Super YAY!

I am so freaking round already. Gained weight drastically- People said when you are in love, you will surely become fat. I must be superbly in love then, because I am so fcuking F.A.T. and round now. I tried to convince myself it’s babyfat but FCUK NO. Everyone around me is throwing me questions, “Why are you so fat edi?” or “What has your boyfriend been feeding you…so fat jor geh?” Damn argh~!!! Heartbreaking like shit wei…because I have not determination to go on diet. :(

Tipsy-ness's words of truth

2010-07-11T03:55:00.000+08:00

Am being a lil bit tipsy at the moment being with myRichard and some of his friends watching football match -Uruguay vs Germany- at
Oval de Garden. It has been a month of being together and i am loving every second being attached to him.

He may have flaws, he may have moments where he will lose his temper on certain sensitive issues... But never a second i am feeling he has left me behind. Sometimes, i do question myself in order how to pro-long happiness like what i am having now... But deep down inside, everyone knows clearly we dont and we cant predict future.

I love you, Richard. I really have no idea how to make you stay nor do I know how to keep you with me but I certainly will treasure every moment spent being together with you. Yes, my ex has truly been a jerk where he has betrayed my love and hurt me the most but he is so yesterday now. I have stopped thinking about him ever since you decided to walk into my life. Thanks for being yourself and loving me like there's no tomorrow.

I feel that my life now is so much meaningful than before. :) Muacks... Yes, Mr. Right... Finally you have popped up!

I wanted to trust so badly. that the nightmare has finally ended...

2010-06-17T10:46:00.000+08:00

Was reading Orange’s blog just now, it has been quite some time since I last read about her blog. Her latest entry was written about her happiness with her one-month-together boyfriend. By reading that stuff, I almost could feel their contentment at my side as well, it is never easy to feel such love, and those feelings come naturally without any hold back. Looking at myself now, if anyone were to throw me the question, “Will you ever be able to love without holding back after for what had happened in your previous relationship?” I might have a lifetime of doubt answering that.

Simply not because of I have not enough of trust or faith in myRichard or myself, somehow and someway…life is so unpredictable, as always. I did not let go my previous boyfriend, he just walked away like that. Don’t fcuk, don’t care…he left me alone completely without turning back. Ouch. That hurts badly. Because of him, I felt myself at the bottomless pit of my life. I felt I was the worst girlfriend, the worst partner in the whole entire universe. I felt like shit. Many many times, I wished so much that I never had met Babyboy at all in my life; maybe I won’t be so pessimistic-thinking about relationship now. I could be a happier person.

I remembered hugging myRichard crying badly how hurt it was being dumped, being neglected by my ex whom I thought he was my everything. I cried twice for the same issue. But each time, without failed, myRichard will pamper-pamper me back, wiped off my tears, hugging me back and telling me, he is here now and he will never ever walk away like my ex did. He will try his very best to love me with all he has. I wanted to make believe that the nightmares has finally come to an end...but I don't want to have hopes that might be trashed in the end as well. Sigh...

A day of love

2010-06-11T19:26:00.001+08:00

My menses cramp almost killed me yesterday. Luckily, myRichard came to the rescue at my workplace with medicine, Starbucks' signature hot chocolate and banana with chocolate chip muffin. It has been the longest time ever I feel so much of love. Thanks dear for all of these. :) xoxo...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Bu Bu Jiak

2010-06-07T19:54:00.003+08:00

After Babyboy has decided to walk out from my life, it took me freaking 5 months to adapt to his gone ness. It is my longest moment of staying single, being lost. There was so many times I just felt like giving love up, embrace into any men’s arms to ease my heartaches, even knowing well they are the wrongs ones. I was too desperate to get over him. I just don’t want to feel being dumped, trashed alone and unwanted. I hate waking up every morning feeling so empty about my life. Yes, I do have 700 over friends in my facebook account and I know all of them personally, everyone must have thought I am a social butterfly and the term “L.O.N.E.L.Y” almost never exist in my dictionary but no one has actually understand my inner self more than myself do. (And I still find it hard to understand myself from time to time)

I was feeling so alone even though I went out almost every single night with different group of guys. Came home tipsy-tipsy, sitting on my bed, hugging on my pillows, looking at the bedroom walls…there it was, the emptiness crept in again. I felt as if I am living with an empty soul. I will start to question myself over and over again, if I may had done so much of wrongs till I deserve to feel this way or perhaps, have I not done enough then that I am being treated this way? For me, getting into a relationship is as easy as ABC…but having someone who loves you dearly and vice versa, you need a cupid to do the all the magic.

I do a bit of reading on my previous posts, how happy I felt about my ex(s) when we first got together and then how we got into disagreement on each other certain dealings, to where we felt giving up on each other and to where we decided to walk out from each other lives, wishing we never have met from the start… How paradoxical, isn’t it? To have thought I had met the right person but found out he’s the most hurtful one in the end just because I have prioritized him too ahead of my everything and I was only an additional option in his life.

Apart from the above sappy post, there is an announcement to be made…I am officially attached again(s).

myRichard,

My life was a slump after my ex has left. Nothing else matters most anymore. Even that God has planted you in my life two years ago and both found each other rather much translucent, you with your life and I’m with mine. But then, out of the extraordinaire, two months ago the cupid has done the nastiest thing ever or maybe the sweetest thing to us, huh? And exactly a week ago, you are mine to hold. I remember your grip that night and it was tight, walking and passing by the people we know, no longer are we in denials about each other existence. We have absolutely made a difference.

I remembered it so well the first time you carried me walking past the dark alley, I almost cried out of joy…because I cannot believe what I felt at that time. I finally have found you, someone whom I have so much of strong feelings. Thank you for the on-going phone calls, sms and mms every 24/7 to keep me accompanied when you are not around. I can’t utter more how lucky am I to have you in my life to care and to protect. To share and to love. Thank you for loving me so much. For providing me so much of yourself. For making believe that you are REAL. Thank you for not making me as your option, but your need.

Bu bu jiak! Hehehe.
XOXO.

I love the stinky pillow you made for me so so so much

Mother's Day Update

2010-05-09T13:01:00.000+08:00

Bak Kut Teh with super grandma on Mother's Day early noon. :)

The best grandma in the whole universe except when she is moody, she can be damn dulan but i still need to layan her because she cooks and do laundry for me. I "heart" you heaps, mama!

Damn nolstagic feel, right? My "pik kong", grandfather's elder brother.

My cousie baking cupcakes at home now for Mother's Day. As for my mum, she's still snoring at her own bedroom, as always...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I want to buy a HUSBAND.

2010-05-08T14:26:00.001+08:00

Workload is so overwhelming ever since I have been transferred to do admin administrative and reporting tasks on Monday. I am not even sure if this transfer made by boss is considered as an upgrade or a downgrade. What he told me is I will be able to monitor the center as a whole in term of our operational management, etc and it will contribute a lot to career advancement later on. Sounds flattered but actually everyone knows that AA work is a bit too much for any individual and the workload will be never ending one. Sigh. The only thing I can try to comfort myself is, since I will be having long working hours in the office hence I will be able to claim more for OT. 

Birthday is approaching. Will be marking 25 this coming 31st. I am pretty upset actually because I reminisce back a lot on my last year birthday where my ex brought me up to Genting to spend quality time with me on my birthday since we only meet on weekends. Truly enjoyed every second spent with him but that has already been a past tense. I thought too much. Hey, this year birthday should be better lots, right? Gawd, I must keep on convincing myself it will be a better one and when the day comes…maybe I will just find it nothing special at all and somehow, someway, I would even feel that it is just the same like any other ordinary day. Argh. Damn…I wanted to feel special leh! What some more I have taken 3 days off for my birthday and I don’t even have a plan for myself. Ish…The worst part of all is I can feel the pressure of being aging…and my status is still single. Baby Eliza just got engaged two days ago and more or less, I do feel a pinch of pressure jor and it’s bloody unhealthy to have such thought. I want to buy a HUSBAND. Hehehe.

A little surprise

2010-04-27T20:26:00.001+08:00

A little surprise at work today With a card attached saying, Just to say Hi Hi...White Color Roses for U...

It is indeed a surprise, just a day before, someone threw me a question... Red or White... and i received a bouquet of white roses at work today. It truly adds a glimpse of excitement and color to my day. Thanks to you-know-who-you-are, i know you might read this post too :)

Besides, i have a date tonight. I have a feeling that it will be a good one... Can't wait for the clock to turn nine!

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Weekend in KL.

2010-04-20T16:06:00.004+08:00

It’s going be four months for staying single; I really miss having someone to be there for me 24/7. I don’t mind if we don’t get to meet each other on a daily basis, I just want for someone to care genuinely. To be able to give me a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, and ears to listen…Very well said, right? I used to have all these and I love so much with bits and bits of everything done for me. But I was too greedy back then. I wanted more and more and more. Being ruinously demanding and taken his love for granted. I cared too much but with the wrong actions. Will I be the same towards my new partner in the future coming? I’m trap in fear.

I was in KL for the weekend. I skipped my Hadyai trip because I am broke in many ways and I know the roaming charges that I might engage into will be a big lump sum. To avoid for the stacking-up debts, I have chosen KL then. Another reason also, I wanted to meet up my best friend, Qian Fang. Have a fun outing with him, shopping and walking around; looking for good food, buying nice stuff...He has always been my favorite person on earth. In the late evening, I joined TikMan and Ashley and some other friends for drinking session at TTDI Plaza. 3 pints of Hoegarden has already knocked me off. The night before KL, I was at Lush and Barbeza for drinking too. :p On Sunday night after my KL trip, I went out DRINKING again with Ray and Loke at Shayo and Oval. I dragged baby Eliza’s sister, Jennifer, along. It’s like going back to the alcohol life and yesterday, I have tummy cramps. Luckily I have those left-over medicines to ease my tummy discomfort.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. Damn damn damn missing it now...

MingYan, Ashley, Me and TikMan @ Drinking Night at TTDI Plaza there

Qianfang, my most fav person on earth but i always dicth him for some other stuff.

And Grandma is being so cute! She holds my hands when we were doing grocery shopping at Tesco Hypermart last night after family dinner, and I am damn not used to it. :p

In that way, I miss my Grandpa suddenly. My youngest uncle is going to get married next month and now family has gathered more frequently to discuss about the marriage preparations and things certainly will be so much better if Grandpa is still alive.

WEeEeEeEEEEeeeeeee....

2010-04-15T09:23:00.001+08:00

“I have written you in my heart, but unfortunately God has not written you in my destiny”.

This is so true. You can’t fight against what doesn’t belong to you. Learned to let go of your grip and eventually, you will be a happier person. I am able to smile now. Without faking it out to others. I found a reason to be happy. Maybe it won’t last me a last time but living in the moment like this now, I am happy without trying at all.

I went for a drink with KF on Monday night. We are friends again. He decided to call back and accept things which I have finalized. I assumed. However, we have another issue now. We realized we can’t really communicate. We don’t share things in common at all. It is getting harder when I don’t seem wanted to share much. I am tired in being a chatter box at all times. Hope things will get better in the coming days. It is also considered a good thing that we don’t meet each other every single day like we used to, at least we can gather more topics to share (hopefully)

I went for a movie, “Date Night” with the conman. Yes, the conman who conned by me to have bought me Baskin Robbins ice cream and Famous Amos cookies. It was so difficult to ask him out- I was treated to eat lemon for TWICE! This time he went and bought tickets instead and I drove out without NRIC and driving license as I left my purse in the office. Damn “big head prawn”.

What to do on your off day?

2010-04-09T10:40:00.003+08:00

Basically, I went to work to finish back my unbalanced center closing the night before. Grrr...Do lunchie with my beloved granny, aunt, and cousie and I feel like I am as if going back to the older days which I don’t need to work at all. How I missed the moment. :p

Ang Ang Hailam Mee...I used to eat this at least once every week with granny.

Done a little bit of shopping with my cousie and because of the damn rain that caused difficulty in getting to my car, we went for a movie, “How to train your dragon”. Worth watching! Then I went home with a 3 hours of good sleep because there is already a master plan for the night, which is to club in Club 9 at 11pm.

I wanna watch Shrek! I need a movie partner...

As usual, I was late and I have no luck in looking for a car park nearby. Feel like ciao-ing edi, which suddenly Favian (the guy who asked me out) managed to get a parking for me. I saw him pulling out a few ten ringgit notes and I was like…Hmmmph…Okay! Time to partaaayyyy…But I was rather much quiet that night. Ah Keong, Luis, KhaiMun and Favian were all there with some girls I don’t really know. I used to go out and club with them many many years ago as they were friends to my first ex, Wyman. Luis bought me two small bouquets of lilies from an aunty who approached us at the club… Stunned, of course.

Favian was dead drunk. LOL.

Ah Keong sat on these flowers hence they look cacat-ed.

I know KF has not been feeling well. Two days ago when Ray told me on that, I have an urge to text him to ask if he’s alright but friends around me advised me not to. If I wanted him not to feel hurtful about me anymore, I should stop questioning and stop caring for him. It’s difficult to put a measure of care towards someone. How can you possibly decide on the right amount of concern to be put up for someone you would like to care about but at the same time you don’t want them to think otherwise? So, I decided to cut the cord. Completely. I must be mean for his own good.

ps. i have an addiction. :) its wrong and its uncontrollable. but i dun want to turn away from this...mind me, i am just crapping to myself.

Disturbed mum

2010-04-07T09:25:00.000+08:00

Mum thought I was high on drugs last night, screaming and laughing alone in my bedroom at wee hours, which actually I was not. It was a phone conversation with someone. God-damn-stupid-mother-fucker but a lovely one.

I started to cough back. Quite terrible that I hardly could get into my sleep, it must be the drastic change in weather lately. If possible, I want to be on medical leave for one whole week and have a short getaway somewhere near by the beachside with a bottle of Heineken and a good book as companionship. I know it won’t work. Most prolly I will be clingy to telephone calls and sms with that bastard. HAHAHA!

So, where do we go from now?

2010-04-06T11:20:00.003+08:00

5th APRIL 2010. 1.30 am
Things seem to be unable to relapse back to the same old days before. Things uttered out cannot be taken back as well. So where do we go from now? When I read the over-lengthy sms KF sent me, I assumed that he has gone too tired in pursuing me and maybe, its too time consuming to chase after the empty air. With the message contents, I have concluded he has given up. I don’t feel that it is an erroneous decision; in fact, I really think I am not the right kind of girl he is looking into.

I appreciate the every little thing he has done for me. From being my personal “taxi driver” to becoming a dear friend who has a great patience dealing with my broken moments and keeping me accompanied in whatever I wanted to do. I do not care what others may see it that I am taking him for granted. Honestly I have never asked for anything from him nor do I demand him to treat me this way. I understand when you love a person; you will go all out and reach out for him/her and always wanted her to be in the best condition in life. Hence, he has done all those just for me. All these would not have happened if I didn't show interest for him from the beginning. I wanted to try if I may like him and in fact I do...but the feelings are very ephemeral. It happened too quickly and it ended too fast as well. The "like" can only maintain as it is and I can't form it into love although I do want to.

The only problem now is…ME. I don’t find him as my Mr. Right. I am not having definite specification on how my Mr. Right should be…but my inner self told me, he is not the one at the moment. I know I have been falling too many times for the wrong ones that I should really start to think to find someone who can be at a great patience to guide me and to grow old with me without leaving me. Who on earth doesn’t hope for this?

Love can be never fair, can be never equal. This amount of love you have poured out, you can’t possibly be assured to reclaim back the same amount of it. Yes, love can be frustrating but only if you have too many to expect or to demand than to really offer to others.

KF told me he is not pushing me to becoming his girlfriend but he has not realized the every little thing he has been doing has suffocated me circuitously. I don’t want him to stay in my room to watch me sleep at wee hours. I don’t like him being so extra sensitive with me interacting with others. He can’t tell me jokes that will make me laughed so hard till I fall from my bed. He can’t baby talk with me till I fall asleep with a smiling face still. He can never play sms with me interactively without being needy to meet up for a week or more. He can only make sure of my well being but you are not holding the key to my heart. Why I love my ex so much and I still do…basically is because I love doing these entire impractical things with him.

The almost 45 minutes spent in his car outside my house trying to talk things out has lead me to come to realize, we don’t match. KF kept telling me he understands, but I know he doesn’t. Why wanted to show others my written thoughts deliberately, I know my blog is not privatized but I just don’t find it comfortable that the blog has been made to read by others without much of self- voluntary. I know I am really mean that I don’t allow him to have one more minute to talk about this but even if I am giving him an hour…it is not going to bring us anywhere. I had enough of being in a relationship…why wanted me to commit which I don’t want to. Why can’t I just be where I am at now without being restricted? What do you all want from me? Another guy friend also suddenly wanted to be pushy…I need a break from all this. I don’t know why but I love staying at home more than anything else nowadays and I don't wish to drown myself with relationship issues anymore…If only I have the guts to just leave this place and find some peace somewhere and start afresh. All from nil. If only…

Wrong Girl = ME.

2010-04-03T10:48:00.003+08:00

Yesterday right after work, all the plan to go out mingle has been cancelled simply due to my mood swing. Period has yet to come but I just can’t find a reason why am I feeling extremely down in the dumps and not wanting to go out but stayed in my room for the whole freaking night. Those feelings almost eat me up and I feel like crying-again. Has love gone wrong again? Most prolly NOT as I am still single and remain unattached (surprisingly)…who could bring such an impact if it isn’t my ex still?

My mind was so trashed up that I accidentally cut my finger. :(

KF has texted me with a super duper long message yesterday, from his content, I think he is telling me he has given up in pursuing me. I would not say it is an incorrect decision, I know he has been too tired figuring how to help me from my slump and how to be “the one” for me. He even tried reading my blog to understand me better and he could be reading this post by now. In fact, he is a very nice guy but it’s just that he has fallen for the wrong girl. ME.

He got me this charm bracelet from HongKong, by wearing it on my left hand; he assumes the scars on my wrist can be hidden. I never hated my scars in some ways and in fact, they are hardly visible to whoever’s sight…I just hated my mind because I can’t get it straight to accept him. He has always been around for me. Almost 24/7. But that is not what I want… I also don’t know what I want. Sigh… Give me back my ex. Please?

My ex called. Not the current one but my second one, Skeet @ Hamster. We chatted for a while and I am glad to know that after for so many broken relationships he went into after me…He has finally found a girl which he claimed close resembling the feelings he ever wanted. Someone whom he doesn’t mind to sacrifice to be with…I also wanted to find those feelings, someone who you will risk off everything to love him. Must persistently remind myself jor…Good things come to those who wait. Mr. Right…I am waiting for you still, okay mou?

I didn't cry in the end...I talked with Bubujiak and I demanded him to amuse me but he kept on pissing me off. For freaking 3 hours. Grrr...And now, I am fishing at work. Feel like slapping myself...to stay awake.

Some random shots

2010-04-02T00:33:00.000+08:00

Sashimi @ Ten Good again. April's Fool lunchie treat by conman.

Camwhoring with youngest bro, Joe, when praying our ancestors for Cheng Beng

Baskin Robbins's Chocolate Ice Cream on 31st. Lucky Day because con people buy geh..

Cousins :)

Foh San Dim Sum with baby Eliza and her mummy... The most expensive day of the month. Not the food but my car tyres after the breakfast

Impulse with restriction

2010-03-30T23:57:00.000+08:00

I can’t be possibly made any decision which is considered as a right one. I desperately need a change in my life. My working environment and job field especially but then I realized, it is a very much tough decision. I most likely going to drop tomorrow’s interview in KL. I have not been doing financially well lately and I got myself pretty stuck with the credit card debts and installments. I could not possible to go jobless or underpaid for quite some time until I managed to save back the amount of money I have lost within these few months. I should really control well of my spending habit. Sigh. I know I wanted the job that I am going to interview but I really can’t. I guess I just need to wait. Patiently wait for the hurricane in my savings account to be unwavering then only I could bring myself to else where. Yes, this is sad. I hate being broke. Extremely gor jek tim... Hehe

So it is indeed 3 whole months I am staying single. There are moments where I was so desperate to be in a new relationship so that the newbie can take over my ex but it is such a wrongdoing. There are in jiffies too where I have been trying too hard to find for my Mr. Right who seems almost never existed. I tried to convince myself with all the lies I told myself too. Pathetic, hor?

The obvious gap.

2010-03-22T09:56:00.000+08:00

Super duper tired now. Yesterday went for badminton session until almost 2 in the morning with David Chin and his group of friends. Super nice although I suck so much playing badminton.

KF has called and informed he is back from Hong Kong. I can’t seem to find a conversation topic to talk with him; hence we ended up the phone conversation somehow very brief. He even called when he is back to Ipoh but both didn’t suggest for a meet up on the very night. I guess he has finally comprehended what I am trying to convey to him about I am not rushing into any relationship and stop doing pushy things towards me which will result negative responses. If not, he definitely will call and wanted to come and look for me straight off.

We didn’t really keep in touch so frequent during his days being away. I guess he is not much a calling or texting person, because even if he’s around…his call and sms rate is very low, sometimes it almost takes him two hours to reply one single sms. This is also one of the reasons I found that we don’t “click”. I don’t feel the instant magnetism between us, like what I used to have with my ex. I think I miss my ex boyfriend in so many ways and sometimes, the heart still ache about it. I can never do anything to redeem the lost. I know I should stop mentioning about the ex-boyfriend and just bloody move on. At times, I felt I managed to do so but the bad auras will just pop up out of nowhere without a forewarning gesture.

Be strong, please.

Keeping the door open.

2010-03-15T09:59:00.001+08:00

I felt very very very bad. I indirectly rejected KF. He can be the nicest guy left on earth but too bad and sad; the chemistry is just not there. Or maybe not there YET. I don’t know- lah. He is not being demanding but his action is a bit pushy towards me. He made things as if I am already his girlfriend which I am not. I am definitely not ready to be in a relationship still. This is weird. It is coming to 3 months that I am single and I guess this is my longest record of staying unattached.

KF has went off to some business trip with his family members for a week, I can have finally have time on my own, doing my own favorite things myself. Sleeping naked underneath my comfy blanket with dim lights while MSN-ing via iPhone till I fall asleep. I am not complaining that he is eating up my time, just that I wanted to spend some and more time being alone or going out with different people. I really dislike it when he tries to interfere me going out with my friends or my new found friends and shooting questions like, “Why aren’t you going out with me but him/them?” or the classic one, “Oh, so you are occupied. You don’t need me now is it?” I went speechless not because I do not know how to answer but I am tired of answering the same questions again and again.

The day before he left Malaysia for his trip, he text me and told me he felt uneasy about us and that lately we have talk less. He told me he may not be the best for me but he felt really comfortable being with me. I didn’t know I can give such impact to others or he has not really understand my complexities and know me well enough like my ex does who has finally decided to leave me behind the dark. I told him straight, “no beating around the bush”; that all I need for the moment is time and not a new boyfriend.

He has not grown to be a man yet and I don’t want a boy. He is good but can be better. However, I am not shutting doors entirely for him or for anyone. Life is about making choices and love can be an option too. I want to make sure, the next one I am going to fall in love or going to be with has to be “the one” although I know it’s hard and I have been almost going forever having that thought in every relationship I ventured into. Blerks! :p

Selfishness

2010-03-12T14:35:00.000+08:00

Too soon to tell if I am leading a healthier life right now but I have made myself possible to stay home and not straying outside at wee hours being tipsy or drunk. I guess I need to learn to love myself more than anyone else does. No more giving wrong signals to any men from the clubs, no more hinting to certain men I am being so so so “single” or no more hitting on those Mr. Wrongs and having dangerous dates although I think I have not reach to that extent yet. Hehe.

I don’t want to be in any relationship at the moment but at the same time, I don’t like the feeling of hanging loosely on nothing. I think I still don’t know what I want.
“Soul searching mode [ on ]”

Last night before I was off to bed, I thought for a little while. Deep thoughts, actually. I caught myself enjoying with the treatment the others are offering me. Being my breakfast, lunch and dinner companions, my chauffeur (driving me around and even to and fro workplace), being protective towards me if something nasty happens, etc. Why are they treating me so well? Why should they give in to me all the time without much complains? I really feel selfish for unwilling to be fair to everyone. One of them is showing his interest towards me and have yet to confess, another one is giving all he can trying to own me, and the one whom I seem to develop mild interest in, afraid and clueless if he should take a step further towards me…I am just confusing everyone around me who are treating me good. :(

I don’t feel like losing any of them but I seem to be enjoying the moments whereby I don’t need to commit to any. I have grow to become more and more selfish

myHongKong vacation

2010-03-09T17:03:00.008+08:00

So much of over piled follow-up cases and bill complaints to be handled at work right after my trip back from Hong Kong. So much of them that can die wei…

Apart from some unexpected occurrences, the trip is somehow awesome too. First time went for solo vacation which was unaccompanied by any family members or friends. Met up with a long lost friend there, tried the local delicacies (I can never be sick of eating HK food again and again!), indulged with intensive shopping spree (cut that off if you are looking for branded stuff as they can cost you arms and legs), and so much more.

Sky view.

Camwhore-ing inside the plane. Yes. That's my bra you are peeping at.

The first thing to do when the flight touched down Hong Kong is to get a HK prepaid number, I remembered the last visit with baby Choyling, my roaming charges has been so ridiculous but I can’t dispute on that simply because of I am aware of the extreme roaming charges. This time I can’t be any wrong but I still spend hundreds over for credit recharge. LOL.

The first night in HK, I went for a movie called, “Nine”. It is a musical movie that tells a story about Guido Contini (Daniel Day-Lewis), a world famous film director as he confronts an epic mid-life crisis with both creative and personal problems. He must balance the many women of his life, including his wife (Marion Cotillard), his mistress (Penelope Cruz), his film star muse (Nicole Kidman), his confidant and costume designer (Judi Dench), an American fashion journalist (Kate Hudson), the whore from his youth (Fergie) and his mother (Sophia Loren). I don’t fancy this sort of movie hence I was at bore watching this and it’s pretty expensive watching movies in HK, it costs about RM30++ per ticket. I have also tried Durian Pancake on the same day. Very very in love ooo…

I went DISNEYLAND the next day. Went for a couple of rides, watched some shows, bought some stuff, etc. Things are expensive there hence I only got myself two MCKY tees and a MCKY bag. I guess the most creditable and spectacular part of going to HK Disneyland, it’s the fireworks. It will be totally A.W.E.S.O.M.E. watching that with your loved ones and I was busy recording, didn’t really take my own time to enjoy the beautiful sight of the fireworks. Why are they always so short-lived? :(

The express train that reaches Disneyland straight off.

I went LanKwaiFong with my former Sunday School Teacher from Elim after Disneyland for a drink. Lychee Martini Cocktail is so superb, the bartender there has standards. Unlike those here. Hehehe. Bleh. :p I missed my drinking buddies. How best it is to have them all together having drinking sessions at a foreign soil. But it is alright, we will be having a trip to Hatyai in April and we can “drink drank drunk” kaw-kaw to the max very very soon.

Lychee Seed Martini, with Sunset Bay Martini (awesome cocktails)

The final night in HK, I stay on my own. I really feel horrendously to stay in his room, with his wife and children cramped into one room while he slept in the living room. I slept in guilt for the past two nights in HK. Michael offered to subsidy half for my hotel room, which is like RM600 plus at BP International House. Without much hesitation, I agreed to it rather than troubling his family. It was really fun. To be totally alone going around Hong Kong. The only lacking is I don’t manage to snap shot my own pictures. Bits awkward to cam whore in front of everyone although no one knows me there. But still…

The view from my hotel room. 23 floors. Damn jeng...

Must try this "奶黃流沙包". Orgasm Guaranteed. :)

Stuff that I bought in HK. Got GUCCI geh!!! (Thanks Q.Fang~)

Night view with the fantabulous lightings + skyscrappers

Canton Road-Tsim Tsa Tsui. You can go into one of those shops located at this street and buy "one" item...then you can proudly go back to your hometown and declared for bankruptcy. Don't quote me, kay. Unless you are rich, then stories can be told differently. But I'm not.

I want a boyfriend. Hahaha. But I don’t need a boyfriend. You feel the confusion in me? Since I have so much of time being alone in a foreign land, Michael asked to think what I really want in a relationship. It wasn’t an easy question because I found myself, straying away to find out the answer. I don’t want to force myself to be in a relationship at the moment; however, at the very same time…I hate the emptiness that creeps into me at certain time and occasions. So indecisive…and guess what? I seem to enjoy my single life now much more than I thought I would be… I am still in a very very very much confused state. Everyone sees it, everyone tries to bring me out from my miseries…and almost everyone still fails to complete the missing parts of me. I want my Mr. Right!

I have my slave to fetch me back from LCCT to Ipoh. What I have for my slave and what he has for me…is something very much unexplainable. I wanted to blog those feelings about it but I think it is advisable not to as I feel unsure about myself after my last break up. No point hurting others and myself and it is even pointless to let others to hurt me in return. I realized I am getting more and more defensive.

To sum it all, it is indeed a priceless experience in Hong Kong (although this visit is the fourth of the fifth ones). I can’t say I can see people thoroughly but from this trip, I gained about the complexities in certain things we thought they were simple. Find it hard to digest? Then don’t. It was only meant for those I wanted them to know.

I look damn fcuking vain in this pic. Excuse me for this...

Enough

2010-03-01T10:12:00.000+08:00

I read back the two emails I sent to my current ex days before when he decided to break up with me. How painful was I back then, how I thought life has just ended at my side, how badly I wanted him back…and how hopeless I felt when he did not respond back at all. So, here am I still…living each day without having him around as my most precious baby anymore. I slowly learned the fact that, when a person has fall out of love with you, you can do a hundred things or you can sacrifice a thousand things trying to get back the whole of him and yet he will never come back to you.

So, he has attached to a girl younger than me by two years. He has brought her back to Ipoh during CNY and even introduced her to his friends. He had hurt his ex, the one that I used to hate so much and he has hurt me deep within too until my healing wound seems to stretch open and bleed again. Argh! He is no longer worth a single drop of tear nor is he worthy enough. Things has changed, he had and so do I. I have been upset enough and cried enough for this person.

19 ~ 21 February 2010 [ Cameron Trip with loved ones]

2010-02-24T20:51:00.004+08:00

I had a helluva fun time with O.U.R group in Cameron Highlands for the weekend. Superbly in love with the BBQ session along with the great weather. Not to mention, the great company of friends that have continuously handling me with much intensive care. Oh yes, my emotion and heart are damn delicate nowadays…ever since I got dumped.

Me posing with KF. We nicknamed him, "Bosco" and he finds it annoying. :p

The chaps are only serve as background. Hahaha.

1/3 of the O.U.R.group and I am not even from the group until I came back from Cameron. :)

The great company of friends

BBQ session at Honeymoon Villa, Brinchang

TJ & Me & David Chin

Fabian & Baby (Emery's baby shihtzu) & Me again

XOXO. Hugs people~

Michael Chan! My gossip husband...Hahaha with Suzanne

:)

So, my this year CNY isn't that pathetic as I thought it would be just like last year. Thanks thanks thanks for dropping by into my life...ALL OF YOU! Hugs...

2010's Valentine

2010-02-23T09:38:00.004+08:00

Haven’t been updating my blog since last week when Chinese New Year started. A truly hectic week with so much of loves…Families and great friends everywhere. At a first thought, I was a bit disturbed having Valentine’s and Chinese New Year First Day on an exact same day. I was imagining how worse it could be…not having a lover/partner to celebrate together. Flowers, candlelight dinner, lovey dovey messages,family time with angpows,etc. I was expecting for so much for this year Valentine’s actually and obviously I hit the ground flat with the sudden break up. But there are little surprises that lit up my wrecked up mood…

Camwhore-ing with the surprises. Very very much loved.

Someone passed me this bouquet of roses...telling me that he picked them somewhere by the roadside. He even told me...this is the lamest thing he has ever done before...RIGHT! So, am I the lamest person on earth then?

This bouquet of 60 red roses was sent to my workplace on a day before Valentine's by a friend. Not a close one though but he told me he has always asked me to open up my heart to the people who care and love me and I should always believe that there is always someone around, and I should not be rejecting him or them...

Among all these surprises, I spent my single Valentine's with Michael at Alaii. Good dinner with great companion. :) Shared a lot on our broken relationships. Gained handful of great advises from the wise man. Haha. :) A truly super goooood friend that has been there to pick me up from my fall.

Hello peeps, this is Michael Chan. HAHAHA

2010-02-14T03:22:00.002+08:00

I was told he's somewhere around but i didn't manage to catch a glance of him. Damn stupid, huh? He is no longer worth my time to think about him but somehow someway...i didn't manage to let go of him yet. Love is never fair, right?

In between...it's still the same

2010-02-11T18:14:00.001+08:00

I felt sappy still. To miss and to think of him still, which I know I should not live with the moments we used to have together. Let bygone be bygone, I am not expecting for a patch up nor am I expecting anything to happen in between us. It’s just all about the feelings. I think I still love him dearly. What I have for him…the feelings…still remains. I did try to deny and eliminate him off but I can never lie to myself about my feelings.

One last word.

2010-02-09T14:07:00.001+08:00

Annual dinner at KL Convention Center sucks. Basically, the whole motive of going down KL is to get back my iPhone which I did. I didn’t get to meet up with him, I requested KF to get it for me. My heart was broken. To see what I shouldn’t have. To look into the photos of that girl in his room, the place where I used to love being at. My status has been replaced. That’s pretty fast and scary too. My heart got stabbed for so many times by the same person whom I still love dearly. Have I not entirely conscious of the truthful yet hurtful reality now? I do. I have all the answers with me.

Baby, if you are still reading my blog and by how much you hated me to post this up to let everyone know how you hurt my feelings and how you betrayed my trust, I just wanted you to know that I have been really serious loving you, and I could and would sacrifice my everything to make things right again…I will hold my temper well and not losing them on you, I will never ever do the things you hated me to do anymore. But no chance was given to me. Nil. All the little things you have shared about, all the big things we have done about…seem to be so bogus. I hope I don’t need to see you anymore in my life. Or at least for the moment, I am feeling this caused of the hurt. I desperately am craving for a shoulder to lean on and to cry on.

Assigned task: Give more and receive less

2010-02-05T10:04:00.002+08:00

I have been sick for two days. Diarrhea, tummy discomfort and even caught up with fever. I was yearning so much for someone to take good care of me when I was sick. So much of it or better still, just be right beside me to keep me feel safe. But there is no one and I am used to it, even though if I were still attached with my ex, he won’t be able to be physically there too as what we had was distance. Is it true when girls are sick, they tend to be more “manja”?

I am certainly one lucky biatch. Heehee. To have someone to drive me to the clinic and accompany me for dinner, to have plenty of phone calls and sms- asking me if I am alright and offer what they could to aid me. Damn touched wei… who needs a boyfriend now when you can have the whole world caring for you? I hope I don’t need to try too hard to get and make someone to be mine, I should be found by him instead of the other way round. But being a pathetic and demanding girlfriend like I am always, I think the comment posted by Guardian is real helpful.

“L.O.V.E. : do not frown if you are not getting what you are expecting, you will never get enough of it. Give what you have for it is limitless.”

From now onwards, I will give all out. Okay, a bit exaggerating. Well, I will be as much as possible to offer what within my means to people around me and travel extra miles to provide more for those I love and appreciate dearly. It is never an easy task. To give more than you receive wor.. Mind me that there might be times, I may be off track a bit. Hahaha. I am a needy person actually but but but I definitely hope I could change for good.

Empty Handed

2010-02-03T10:36:00.001+08:00

Sometimes when the emptiness creeps into my soul at late nights or the moments I caught myself alone in the room, you wish so badly that the shitty feelings will just go away. However, the more you tried to fight against it, the more you going to fall into that slump. I tried to sound chirpy and jovial when I called my current ex-bf to arrange the time and place for me getting back my iPhone on this coming weekend in KL. I can tell you frankly…it is not easy. I wished I don’t need to make that call and to listen to his voice once more.

I looked really silly. I made KF to drive me all the way to his house to get back my some of my clothes last evening after work. When we reached his house, I saw his mum sitting outside the pouch then I quickly asked KF to speed off. KF looked rather confused threw me questions like, “You cheated his money is it? You stole something from him? You played with his feelings”…I keep shaking my head and KF asked, “Then why are you so afraid to go and just take back your stuff?” Perhaps, I haven’t prepared myself for this or I just don’t want to face the fact. We headed back home empty handed.

During my slump, there are so many great friends around lending me their hands and offering me shoulders but most importantly is giving me their time as much as they could, to handle me with much care and attention. I can’t ask for more for these friends who have contributed so much so much to me. And it is just me for not being thankful to them and still keeping myself in the bad auras.

One spoon of sugar, a bucket full of faeces

2010-01-26T16:05:00.001+08:00

Had my appraisal yesterday and I really felt not being much appreciated. I can’t say that I have fully committed myself to the assigned tasks but I can rest assured to the team I had assisted as much as I could and colleagues have their eyes witnessing my capability and acknowledging my responsibility. It is time to move out from my comfort zone and to look something more worthwhile doing. At the mean time, I must not quit blindly without securing myself with a better job. 

Just called up AirAsia to resend the flight itinerary and I can proudly announce, “I am going to HongKong again!” I have missed it last year with the gone RM1.3k flight money and I am so going to confirm myself to have double up the fun I may have let passed. I wanted to thank this person whole heartedly on his generosity for the amusing trip I am going to have. I know it is going to be a great vacation. Thank you so much.

He called. The used to be my almost everything and still is somebody to me, the ex-boyfriend called. I am getting back my iPhone. And I even saw his ex coming to the center today for payment. I feel nothing. Well, at least it is a good start that things concerning about him don’t really poke my heart and caused the aching anymore or perhaps, my heart is smashed. Heart beat gone jor lu…One month in exact that he has called it a quit, one month of silence- How long more do I have to remind myself that I am single now. I dream a lot about us and the worst part is I don’t wish to wake up and face the reality in the very next morning. I hate the emptiness.

Waking up & Digesting the ugly truth

2010-01-23T09:38:00.002+08:00

This time going down to KL, traveling in the same old “Plusliner” bus…the feelings and thoughts are different already. The happy weekends I had for the past 9 months has finally taken its toll. I am being picked up from the bus station by another person, no more the guy I truly in love with, waiting in his car waiting for my arrival.

My current EX-boyfriend (I still have problems telling people he is already my past tense) is not returning my stuff back to me and I really wanted to get back my smelly pillow so much. So I made arrangement with his colleague to get back stuff that belongs to me. Which so I did, meeting his ex colleague the next morning. I so wanted to cry again when I threw a question to his colleague upon returning those stuff…”Why…Why things has ended this way?” I know answers could be shitty and I don’t need those reasons anymore. The replies could be, “Hey, life still goes on…I’m just an outsider…blah blah blah”. This is so predictable.

I didn’t get back my iPhone. I wanted to be generous enough to just give him that damn phone but I can’t. The iPhone purchase is tight with 24 months of contract which my paid is still being deducted monthly until July 2011. If I planned to quit work, I need to fork out another RM500 and the remaining balance of the pay deduction back to my company. It’s a great amount of cash. Being generous and being stupid is just a matter of one’s perspective. Let’s say if something bad has happened to me, be it real will this ex boyfriend come to the rescue and lend a helping hand…I can now tell everyone firmly, he won’t. I seek the truth myself and the truth hurts deeply.

By how much I had loved this man and by how much I am still in love with this man, I know there is only one word I could tell myself. STOP BEING SO NAÏVE.

It is time to wake up and look at the things around myself clearly. No matter how you had tortured yourself, playing with your life with wrist cutting, skipping meals, being an alcoholic, smoking, etc. He has decided to leave and so he has left. Yes, I hated my ignorance towards his advice, I hated the tempers and tantrums I put on him when he wanted to make our distance relationship so much, I hated myself so so so much for allowing myself to have love him whole heartedly. I know love knows no right or wrong, love is also not a donation. I can't possibly force him to take me back and we will work things out. I don't know. I am just at crossroad once again. All alone. :(

One of the many.

2010-01-20T11:01:00.000+08:00

Yesterday night supposedly to stay at home as a trial period for myself to break free from alcohol but it did not succeed. I have been going out so relentlessly after the break up. I am as if ruining myself with the massive alcohol consumption and being so restless all the time but I just don’t understand myself why am I still continuously doing all these.
I wanted badly someone to understand me wholly and to be there to ease the aching heart but I am not even helping myself at all.

Looking on the bright side, I get to know that even without a boyfriend, a person who used to suck up all his time trying to be there for me and listen to my ranting patiently, I still have a few of the many that care for me generously. I know there are people who really care and wanted me to be good. I can’t utter more about how is life treating me, it’s like I lost someone I really love but I gained many who are loving me more than I do to myself. I can’t even be bothered if those who are treating me good have any hidden intentions, or perhaps they are just genuinely showing me the friendship values. Gawd, I think it is time to build up the tampered trust again.

Oh, have I not mentioned how I almost got into an awry conversation with my boss yesterday? I have not been a calculative person who assist doing stuff he wanted me to do all this while even without given any credits. All I ask for is just to de-allocate me from the express counter. In the midst of our conversation, I just lost it. I voice out all my dissatisfactions to him and even right now, I am not sure if he truly understands or not. I really hate the center management now, it is havoc and I am planning to move out from Ipoh. However, due to my heavy commitments, I need serious contemplative planning before jumping into conclusion.

Conscious yet confused. This is life.

2010-01-18T09:26:00.001+08:00

I do not question myself anymore if I will ever find a guy like him @ my babyboy. I had laughed myself silly for putting up so much of effort in making the relationship surpass the impossibles, having the thought we will never ever be apart. But the fact is he has given up on me, completely walked out from my life without any hesitation. I don’t think anyone can understand how painful my heart is every now and then. I can really feel my heart is aching every single time I recalled back the sweet memories we shared.

Encountered things which I have never done before in these few days. Allow things to happen without much rejections and those things gave me adrenaline rush …With all of these, I am no longer sure if I am in ruins or not. I realized I am changing. My very own self doesn’t even understand myself anymore. I know I should get up at where I fell down and not falling deeper into the hole but I am not helping myself at all. Being on and off the track, I am totally confused.

Many many times, I long for someone to be by my side. Just hugging me and give me a sense of security. I don’t like the current me which has been deserted. I wanted to feel safe in the arms of the people I can confide in and able to trust in, but finding those people is like searching for a needle in the wide ocean. Perhaps, I should stop looking for them but let them find me. Very well said, huh?

What I am happy is, I don’t simply jump into any relationship like I used to. I don’t rush myself to be in a relationship…nor am I seeing anyone new right after the break up although I desperately need someone to be there for me 24/7. I am doing better day by day.

Moving On.

2010-01-14T09:07:00.002+08:00

Enough of the two tormenting weeks which I have found myself stuck within. I learned the ugly truth about my ex boyfriend who used to be that someone who's particular there for me 24/7 even though he's not with me physically. He made me feel like shit every now and then up to the coming years. The worst and scariest girlfriend that one could look up for, he has lost his sight on how I tried to sacrifice myself to keep the relationship going. He has let go something special, something we will never have again.

I have been drinking every single day after the break up and at times, I don't even want to go home and keep loitering around the streets being driven around. I think I have cried enough and said enough about the whole break up. I am turning into someone I hardly know because I just don't know what to do and what I want or need in my life- ANYMORE.

There are good people and bad people everywhere. I met most are good people but I'm being really ignorant to them, as for the bad people...It seems like I am more like playing mind games with them and I am always at the losing side. It feel like years to go through day by day being unprotected and left alone.

Day Fourteen

2010-01-10T15:32:00.003+08:00

If I weren't to text you telling you I have accepted your decision to break with me then today will be day that you promised to call and for us to talk. I know it and you know it even better that its not going to be a talk. Its a finalization to what we used to have and shared be sealed completely. I was hoping so much for a turn back and what I am enduring is unreal.

I lost count how many times I tried texting you but in the end, my fear brought me to delete those messages before managed to touch on the tab 'send' as I don't want to risk being disappointed when you are not replying. I have been always wondering days and nights, how are things going on your side. I remember you clearly, the wake up calls and your text messages. We used to have those msn webcam
conversations, dirty talks and jokes we laughed about. They are all gone. I am swallowing hard each day to learn the fact, you have left me. You really hurt me deeply inside as I may had hurt you too until you decided to leave.

I dreamt of you last night. Its not something sweet to dream about, you were treating me so cold. You didn't even give me a chance for me to get close to you. Woke up feeling lost again and my cheeks were wet then I realized, I weeped. As always I'm such a crybaby. The most difficult part is to accept that the dream...its happening in real life too as in this very moment.

Day Thirteen

2010-01-09T15:50:00.000+08:00

I must find a way to get you off my mind and out from my life. I feel aimless about my life since the day you went away. I fcukingly miss you and dying to meet you. I am getting more and more tired. With everything around...

Day Twelve

2010-01-08T11:52:00.000+08:00

How can you be that cruel to me? Am i not your babygirl anymore? I can't control myself that i text-ed you telling you how much i miss you. I am god damn stupid, i know it well you will never reply for you have shut me off from ur life. I still missing you like always. I miss the kisses and the hugs... I need you.

Day Eleven

2010-01-07T23:30:00.001+08:00

I am not alright. I wanted to call you and text you just like before, but I am so afraid that you will just ignore me. I wanted to cry out loud but tears are all dried up. I am losing directions in life, am not even coping well with the fact that, we are so done. You are so done about me.

We were strangers then became lovers and now we are back to the old form again. Just that this time, it is even far worse being strangers. It's eating me up. The whole break up is driving me nuts. I pretended to be alright. Go out and have fun- try not to be alone and have some good flirts. Very much often, I got home drunk and all the emo shit starts again. It just won't go away for the time-being. The only problem is... you just won't care anymore because you no longer wanted to. I am all ruins. I do not know if I should hate you or thank you now.

I don't deserve you. I don't deserve anyone.

Day Ten

2010-01-06T23:05:00.000+08:00

It is an on off thingy that I feel dreadfully lost at one moment and alright the next moment. Everyone around me...has been really supporting. Texting me in the mornings trying for a little while to be "you". I know in a long run, I am just too depending on those individuals to get over you which I don't want to. I have a peep on your fb profile pic. You have changed your photo... I have funny feelings and it is really unhealthy to keep on checking on you when I have already removed you from fb.

I don't put hopes on us anymore. I don't want to. I regretted a lot. In the sense of I have never been more understanding towards your job and have been throwing tantrums on you repeatedly without even caring for your feelings. As we have parted, I slowly to realize things which have been blinded by my ignorance. I have seen heaps of things around me in a whole new different perspectives now and I come to think, the break up isn't a bad thing either. It is a lesson in life... A lesson which I will truly cherished every bits of it. Those moments we have endured can't be traded in by anything. Those memories we shared...will be everything to me.

As days to come, I wish I can really let go of you completely. It is silly that if I were to tell others I am alright at this very second which I am not truly. As it heals, it will continues to hurt too...I must get rid of my drinking habit I picked up lately first. Feels tiring.

Day Nine

2010-01-05T23:50:00.000+08:00

I'm back home. I tried escaping from reality but I know I cant hide from it and I can't lie to myself anymore that you are gone. It is not like you are dead but close to it, you will no longer be the one I called up once things got messed up at my end, you won't be the one I would confide in whenever my minds are troubled. You will no longer be the one for my everything simply because of you no longer wanted to be the one anymore.

I struggled today and cried a little. However, I only allowed myself to be upset about you for an hour which I succeeded in doing it. I saw your best friend online and he tried talking to me about us. How wrong at the very first place we were together, how I hurt you in the past and how you felt so hopeless about me being the one for you. It is a little bit late to realize about them but it is good. I can't manage to get the answers from you but through him, I have understood. It is just that I can never ever imagine you can leave me just like that. I will not be passing blames anymore or at least, I will try.

Day Eight

2010-01-04T11:40:00.000+08:00

I was away to Thailand @ Hadyai to get over you for a moment. It is not helping at all like I mentioned in my previous post. In fact, I miss you even more. I was hoping and looking forward so much to our trip this year but it was all shattered. I also could remember when you mentioned that we could still go as "fcuk buddies" but we both know, we won't able to cope with that term. Even now, you still reluctant to talk or to keep in touch with me, which I found out it is a good thing. I won't give any hopes on us anymore.

It hurts a little when I saw you online in MSN just now and after I texting you, you went offline straight off without a reply. Am I that scary to you? I was wondering-lah. Maybe you are really scared and I blamed myself for that. However, no worries...At least things aren't as bad as the first few days. I am eating and sleeping already.

Day Seven

2010-01-03T23:46:00.000+08:00

Being in a foreign place, apart from Malaysia...thought could help me to forget you for a moment. But was wrong about it, so wrong. Our bangkok trip can never happen again, we missed it last year and we are going to skip it this year too. Am wondering what is playing in your mind. It has been a week we have parted, do you struggle as much as i do to let go of us or you have actually found one to take over my place already hence you don't feel as painful as i am now?

Or you still love your ex dearly and i am only just a bounceback? So many unwanted rubbish keep floating in my mind... I seem to lose my direction in life and it will still continuously to bleed as time ticks... I was told very soon, i will be forgotten by you completely. I cried listening to that, our moments are so shortlived. You have been the best boyfriend that anyone could asked for and i have just lost you. :(

How i wish that you are still around as my pillar of strength, my best friend to confide in and being my everything like you have always do...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day Six

2010-01-02T11:00:00.001+08:00

Both has comprehend things has ended in a way, reason given is you can't handle me anymore. I have been pushing you too much and not allowing you to breathe at your own space at all. I was hoping for a chance to tell you I wanted to try to work things out but you have been so firmed with your decision. I felt so unfair for things at my side. I felt being trashed and left alone. You were not like this before. I missed you. But...love is never fair and you can't rationalize love completely like how I lost my sanity when you wanted to break with me.

Ignoring my calls and SMS. It was such a painful experience. Hence I realized, things have come to the bottomless pit and I must learn to let go of you, mybabyboy...the flashback of memories from how we got to know each other to how we got attached and to how we argued and how we patched back together to now...where we stand. You are being so cold to me. It hurts badly.

I have then decided quickly to forget about the fourteen days of cooling period. It is not helping at all when you have already given up. Love quote: You can have a million reasons to leave when you can't find a reason to stay. Removing you from facebook and cancelling off our relationship status can be hurting like hell. Deleting our pictures also hold tons of courage and deep thoughts. But what done is done. You have left me just when I needed you so.

Day Five

2010-01-01T22:10:00.000+08:00

Thinking about you making me go nuts. I text you and there is still no reply from you and we have not been talking or keeping touch at all for 5 days. It seems within this period of time, I am so certain with the decision you have made.

I'm hungry but I have no appetite to eat, I'm tired but I can't put myself to sleep. Waking up in the middle of night, I cried myself to sleep again. The feelings damn shitty one. I can still feel the pain now even I am blogging at the moment. I am re-adapting a new life now. A new life without you being part of it. Regretted with numerous of silly actions I may had done when we were still in a relationship but since you decided to end it without a second thought and a second chance given, there is nothing I can do completely.

Still accepting this reality slowly and painfully. But you will never care. On Day One, I still have strong feelings you are there but as the days pass by, those feelings was getting more and more tormenting and signs are everywhere...that you have dumped me on christmas.

Day Four

2009-12-31T00:32:00.000+08:00

You have not been calling nor texting. I know the two weeks time you asked for is just a way to ask me to let go of you. I will. Cried too much, no matter by how much i wanted you back, things can never will be the same ever again. No more babyboy such thing. Everything has gone. Including you. You have left me just when i needed you most.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day Three

2009-12-30T09:39:00.002+08:00

I am feeling more and more helpless about us. I miss you every now and then and I miss you even more even though I try to limit myself to. But the hurtful feelings...I can't put words to it. They are just too painful to be bear alone. I am wondering how about you there. Do you struggle like I do as well in order to pass through another day or you are really happy to be on your own now without my phone calls and existence.

Whenever there are people around me, I found myself that I can still control to put you off my mind for a little while. But it is only for a little while. I know I need to be strong. Not to defend our relationship anymore but be strong to learn the fact to let go. I know you really really really wanted to end this. No more babyboy or babygirl sort of relationship anymore. I wanted to tell you so badly that I don't want to. Tonight in particular, I have made it to Day Three.

But you can never understand my fear when the arrival of Day Fourteen when you finally tell me straight to the fact, we can never ever be together again. And that's the downfall of my life as I have built up my most of everthing around us.

Day Two

2009-12-29T05:12:00.000+08:00

Still find myself struggling to let go of you from my mind for a moment. I succeeded not crying on Day One but I lost it today. I cried for 3 times in a row. My period came today, as usual, i have pretty bad menstrual cramps. Luckily it wasn't much of pain this time, i managed to ease the pain myself by taking ponstan. I found out that i miss you so much. I miss the "you" who would start cracking jokes to make me laughed and how much you used to say how you wanted to assist me and to comfort me and how bad you felt for not being able to be with me and to take care of me. I miss you and i seriously do.

I came home at 5 in the morning, later around 8 plus i need to be at work. I really don't like what am I doing now but it seems there are no choices anymore because my babyboy will not care for me anymore. Once again, the thought of ending my life triggered me but I guess I can still take it. I love you still. So much.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day One

2009-12-28T01:54:00.000+08:00

Day One: i have painfully managed to pull through a day not calling or texting you like said you wanted some space on your own. It was real tough. I wonder how my remaining balance of the 13 days would be. You promised you will call on the second weekend Saturday. I hope you will going to do that and we will be just alright like before.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

What went wrong

2009-12-25T11:28:00.000+08:00

I literally felt so suffocated right now. I don't know what has exactly went wrong until my bf has to ignore me. That hurts...way too much. I have feelings too... I don't know why must he treat me like this during christmas. I dont know how to heal myself, every beating of the heart...it hurts a little. What fuck has happened? Felt so helpless that i almost wanted to end my life. I cannot take heartbreaks. I can't afford to take anymore...

Testing 123

2009-12-12T10:44:00.000+08:00

Just installed blogpress app to my iPhone! Testing it now...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Privatised.

2009-12-02T12:50:00.000+08:00

Babyboy has sound his dissatisfaction towards me blogging about him. Thus has some deep thoughts and came up with a harsh solution to myself which is to wrap up this blog and only keep this to myself. My only room for pouring out my thoughts and feelings has seemed to be sealed. Not completely but just felt being stored up with partial space allowed.

I am unhappy. However, I do comprehend I need to be concerned about his feelings too for sharing bits and pieces about our personal lives, making as if there are no privacy at all. He minds about me going around bitching about him in my own blog. He minds about how my friends who read about my blog and deceive him. I pretty much got the whole picture. Privatizing this blog doesn’t mean I think he is completely right and I agree with him, just that being in a distance relationship and to keep it going… I just need to take a step backward and give in to him. Of course, I want him to be happy being with me as well... hehe

You are an ass...

2009-11-28T03:25:00.000+08:00

I am pissed and lost at words. Its bloody 3 plus in the early morning, i am still wide awake and i need to be in the office before 0830. Do you think you are being a bit too much this time? Thanks for making me being over worried about your safety which turned out to be unnecessary.

I can tell you now i fuckingly hate distance relationship now.

"January"

2009-10-15T21:40:00.002+08:00

You know there is this song called “January” sang by an Indonesian artiste, Glenn Fredly. Speak so much all out of a sudden.

Berat bebanku
Meninggalkanmu
Separuh nafas jiwaku
Sirna...

Bukan salahmu
Apa dayaku
Mungkin benar cinta sejati
Tak berpihak
Pada kita

Reff:
Kasihku
Sampai disini kisah kita
Jangan tangisi keadaannya
Bukan karena kita berbeda

Dengarkan
Dengarkan lagu.....lagu ini
Melodi rintihan hati ini
Kisah kita berakhir di Januari
Selamat tinggal kisah sejatiku
Wow....pergilah

I met Uncle Wong four times in a week already. Twice in person, twice in dreams. Funny dreams though. His friends told me that I am the right person, just which things will and could be somehow better if I were to stay and start afresh with him. Who possibly could do so? Well, at least I know I can’t possibly accept my other half to hurt me in such a way. He WAS a right guy at a very right time.

I have a short talk with him face to face the other night. Plan chat with boring topics and massive naggings again… There are still some certain feelings holding us back that make us talk awkwardly even though we have broken up in January this year (which is why this song speaks so much to me)

What makes me feel more awkward is the way he was looking into my eyes that night…his eyes seem telling me that, what he has for me was real and even until now, be it I am already attached with my current bf or he has been secretly engaged in a new relationship…what we have shared, what we have endured, what we have fought about…we really have given so much of patience and everything with him is real. Even those lies are real…they were told to protect my feelings. If only I choose to see his love this way, maybe I would opt to stay.

But life is that contradictory, it was wrong to love like that. I am not that drunk in being in love, I guess. The rightest thing to be done about us is "breaking up" because I realized I was too tired to love Uncle Wong in the way he wanted me to and he was too tired as well to try loving me in the way I demanded for. With my current boyfriend, I found something in spectacular...that love is not a compromise. You just love because you simply want to and it is unexplainable. And when you love, you would try doing a lot of things for the other half to be happy being with you.

Promises are shit.

2009-10-09T09:43:00.001+08:00

Once again, mind torturing. Once again, I went speechless. Remember the promise you made while hugging me in bed? That you will hide no more if your ex contacts you back…even the simplest thing ever, you will let me know beforehand, because you don’t want me to be unhappy. I should have not made myself believe so much in it, I already know that all along promises are meant to be broken especially you, for it has happened too many times and not once or twice or thrice.

The message has been clearly delivered to her, and yet she can be such a disappointing human being. She is pushing my patience off its boundaries and I don’t like it. I seriously hate it. Do I look that stupid to anyone? Or perhaps to her, I don’t appear as a threat or even as your current girlfriend that needs to be respected in so many ways. I felt denied and you are contributing to the damage.

Battling between good and evil

2009-10-02T10:32:00.000+08:00

I am unhappy. I cannot just pretend as if that comment has never been posted. I know it was purposely and intentionally written there for me to read. I don’t know why people around him can be so disappointing and so freaking immature and what have I done to them? Absolutely nothing. Why do I deserve then to be condemned and to be judged by irrelevant person in my life? Who do they think they are and what rights they got to do so? I am getting more tired and more tired each day dealing with human stupidities. I remain silent and stay unspoken doesn’t mean I am a person that is easy to deal with. I admit that I am a very emotional person and I have no patience at all, so stay away and stop putting irrelevant comments to try telling me something and yet be enigmatic about it. I know what are you trying to say, I know who are you referring to. I even know you won’t be reading my blog anyway, but I really wanted to tell you…I don’t like you at all and I won’t take time to know more about you so I would like you in the future. I won’t. I don’t mix with dim witted kinds and you are definitely one of it. Tell me I am mean and I know I am. :p

Apart from being damn unhappy yesterday, I still find happy thoughts. Before headed to bed last night, I chatted in MSN with my super long lost Sunday School Teacher, David Hung from Elim Gospel Hall. I used to call him Dai Wai gorgor. 13 years of complete silence from each other, I managed to bump into him in facebook. I really miss him. I remember going to church on Sunday and being taught on bible verses. Choirs and camps…Really brought back heaps of wonderful memories. The most exciting part is he is living in Hong Kong (my most favorite place to be) with his wonderful family and he is now a pastor. Although I have been away from Christianity and off track with him for quite some time, I feel very release and good with someone I could really share about myself, my inner thoughts without being judged, without fearing I said the wrong things…Just in time of need, I found a listener. Just in time of lost, I found hope. Life isn’t that depressing after all and I should really not waste time being unhappy with crappy people. Even if things are ugly, I should only allow myself to be sad, to be frustrated, to be hurt…for a day perhaps? Thank you so much!

Dumb Blonde

2009-09-30T23:17:00.002+08:00

I know I have been really unspoken lately in my blog. It seems I have left it dead for a while before decided to drop by again with updates. Sometimes I really can go speechless with my life as myself…I do not know what I want from life or how I want it to be. Every now and then, I just wanted myself to be happy. As simple as that but in reality, it clearly shows happiness does not just happen like that, you need to work for it and you have to chase towards it and do some sacrifices to get the whole of it.

I did the dumbest thing ever. I actually went and sent my bf’s ex a message in Facebook. I wanted her to understand or try to be in my shoes that I really hate the idea of them keeping in touch. So many breakdown moments caused by this issue, so many heartbreaks I need to endure…So much of everything about her that almost cornered me with the urge of giving up our relationship. And so which I did…messaging her in FB, believing we are adults and I definitely can handle this issue myself hoping she would comprehend but right in the end, I just made myself the biggest fool of all. I am just allowing her to have thousand of reasons to condemn me. I was a bit disrupted when my bf told me that he heard this about me. And hey, it is so much of courage to actually click on the tab "send" and very soon, I regretted after the message is sent. Hahaha

The heart ached a little and I am not trying to be too defensive or what…I just thought if he is not making the move to protect me then I should do something to clarify to her. I even apologize to her when I definitely don’t need to…Well, some people are just plain disappointing. There are even more issues about her but I am just trying as much as I could to stay away. To stop myself over-worrying and it is a definite I must learn to loosen my grip and not putting love too ahead of everything. Gam Ba Teh! Who knows one day, I don’t need a man to live on and yet I can still be as happy as ever. :)

Accident.

2009-09-17T11:08:00.000+08:00

I have not updated my blog for almost two weeks. Things are alright and filled with excitement. LOL. About few days ago, I just got myself into an accident. I actually rammed into a drain in the middle of the night, about one plus in the morning. I was totally shaken and seated at the highway’s roadside with my phone that has gone out of battery. But luckily things had fallen into places and I got home safely right in the end. The only damn thing is I need to fork out a sum of money. Argh.

Hmmph.

2009-09-07T03:20:00.003+08:00

It's 3 plus in the morning now, just finished watching ten episodes of "You're Hired", a HongKong TVB drama series. Recommended by bf. Tummy still feel a bit bloated, I actually finished one Oversea's Shanghai mooncake all by myself.

I don't feel that sad anymore. I mean I still feel things are not completely alright yet but what's important now is...I still want to be with him, my bf, my babyboy, my other half. I don't know how he gotten me into so madly in love with him. Those feelings I have for my bf scared the shit out of me. How a single word from him would create such an impact to my emotions, how a single action he does that would actually made me lost my sanity.

I think I totally lost it when I was crying madly on the phone with him, hurting myself because I don't know how to let out all the frustration, and even crazy enough to have drove all the way to KL to try to work things out on a week day. I'm all good now. We may not have talked through the problem and we know well that we can't just pretend as if nothing has happened, but one thing I am sure of is both of us have been working real hard for our relationship. Sorry for being "too much" at times.

If I only knew the answers...

2009-09-04T11:05:00.001+08:00

If I only I don’t need to feel what I am feeling now and if only I could control my emotions very well…Then I can proudly tell everyone I am indeed a happy person. Perhaps I put relationship too ahead of everything that has caused me to be so out of my mind when the fall hit the ground. I have been thinking too much lately, too much of junks that lead me to an almost mental breakdown. I have been worrying a lot too. What is wrong with me now and how am I going to put back myself together and when will I start to learn…Love is not everything?

Is there anyone?

2009-09-02T10:12:00.003+08:00

Woke up with swollen eyes and bruises over the hands again. I once again wrapped with disappointment. I guess it is this much my heart can takes. Can someone make this heart pain stop? Can someone just care? Can someone just hold me tight and to show me that you really really love me with all your heart? Can someone just fucklingly bring me away from where I am now? I need a way out before I go and hurt myself again. I really don't like what I am doing to myself lately.

Is it just me?

2009-08-31T18:42:00.002+08:00

I was given so much of time and chances to dig up the issue and bring it forward to bf but I didn’t. When I was awake the next day having him next to me, I just don’t feel like spoiling the moment by crying again. I was a little moody in the afternoon when we were at Kinta City Jusco waiting for the movie “Vengeance” to start but I did a good cover up.

I know I can talk through it during evening time when we were cuddling on my bed and also last night where we didn’t go out for any counting down celebration for Merdeka. But I let those chances of telling slipped by…As much as I understand about my own self; I know I can never stop crying again. So, I have chosen to keep quiet and cherish the moment where we could spend quality time together.

Once after once I was determined to leave and decided to give up, but it is also once after once, I realized over and over again, I’m truly deeply madly in love with my bf and I don’t wish quitting is an elucidation. I really can’t find explanations why is it so difficult to control my drastic emotions. At times, I guess it wasn’t his fault at all ever since from the beginning but me.

Fuck.

2009-08-30T02:42:00.005+08:00

Feel like crying again. Bf is back, I should be glad that things have finally turned alright...Which I thought we were. However, I just found out AGAIN he's still keeping in touch with his ex. I had enough of being sad and crappy over the ex issue we have been arguing lately. Enough of getting suspicious if they are still keeping in touch. Enough of the whole fucking crap that made me cried for so many nights and start hurting myself ever again.

I just got so fucking lost. Why the pain must be endured by myself once after once...Why can't I have a more proper and trustful relationship? I just want someone that would care for me and my feelings more than anything else. I don't need a 10 carat diamond ring or branded stuff to keep me happy...I just want a boyfriend that would stop doing things that would hurt my in the end. I just want to be happy with him, I don't want to check on his bills again...check on his phone again. It's driving me nuts. It hurts even more when I got to know of things he didn't tell.

I can't find someone I can really talk to, someone who would understands how exactly I am feeling. I cried talking to Keith on the phone. He said he understands how it feels like as he has went through the same thing as well. I don't really get used crying in front of friend that is not so close...it must the alcohol again. Sigh...

Negative Signage.

2009-08-26T09:20:00.002+08:00

I have forgotten to bring my iPhone to work today. The feelings can be best resembles as you have just misplaced your soul and yes, it is that serious. August is really a hectic month for work and I foresee next month could be even much worse. I am slowly drowning into the pool of workload which seems forever ongoing and piling up.

I have met heaps of new friends lately from clubbing. Some are real nice people to talk to and some are just crack-minded ones. I always enjoy making new friends but I have a real hard time maintaining the old ones. LOL. However, I do have a handful of besties that haven’t given up on me YET. So, it isn’t that bad, right? A new found friend, Keith Lim, has actually told me that he would be deadly worrying having a girlfriend like me. I don't know how much he has gotten himself to understand what sort of person am I but I took his words seriously... Is it because of my extensive social life that has cause Keith to have such thinking? Must I do something about it?

Well, I slowly feel that LDR is suffocating. I feel like withdrawing from it. Bf claimed that we need a talk since few weeks ago, but when we met up last 2 weeks…He just won’t touch on that sensitive issue. Is he try avoiding the subject and simply thinks that it would be best if both choose to ignore about it since we are already on talking terms and all? I really hope for an answer. At least, not just chuck it aside and assume things will be alright. It’s not. My heart burns when he hugs me because I am too afraid to get hurt once more.

Pondering still

2009-08-15T09:34:00.001+08:00

Work has been overwhelming lately. Ever since the conversion to permanent, tasks assigned to me seem to be over piling and I almost choked to death while handling broadband inventory. Luckily I still got my assistant manager, KC, to assist me and also some of the helpful colleagues. During working hours, phone calls and sms to bf has been cut reduced tremendously. Just the other night, I asked him in MSN whether are we okay or not and I got a reply of “wishing we are okay”. So, we are not entirely okay?

I can’t have a solid answer about us. Trapped within fear still and I successfully did not check on his billing for almost 2 weeks, fearing I might break down in tears once more. However, I know as long as I am granted with the access to the system, I will continue to learn more if he will lie again or not. I really hated invading into his room of privacy but as much as I tried not to, I failed just like before. The only way out from this dilemma would be it’s either I let go of him or I quit my current job. It’s like torn between two.
Maybe I should work a way out to be transferred to another department instead?

First of all, is it a right decision to be in relationship again with someone you have lost faith? I can’t prolly answer this myself, if I do, I wouldn’t have given us another chance as well. So sad that I am confused on things I used to be so certain and determined. I seem to have lost all the things I have about us and I really hope, as we go on, I hope we would able to build our relationship based on honesty and trust again. I will be heading down KL later in the evening and we haven't be seeing each other for approximately 2 weeks edi...wondering how's things going to work...Sigh. Am so in doubts. I wanted to be happy but I scare I'll get hurt once more.

They are gone and will they ever return? Sigh...

2009-08-11T10:36:00.002+08:00

An impulse to quit blogging has triggered me. I think it’s most prolly those frustrations and hurt I went through lately that have caused this. I want happy posts. I want them as beautiful memories that would never fade in my life, that’s why I keep them in my blog with my writings. I know life has ups and also downs, it could not be well balanced or be perfect all the time but if I am able to make a solid decision, I definitely would opt to be happily being in single life than worrying so much having a boyfriend that would do things that hurt me. But love doesn’t come in sanity. It’s in a package that changes are prohibited.

If people are to realize, all the blog entries are mainly about relationships. It’s about him, him and him and him only. Hahaha. So I find it pointless now to keep up my blog if I am only left with disappointment than contentment. However, on a second thought, I also ponder upon how I could release all those tangled emotions if I were to quit writing out my feelings at my own space. I hardly got loving parents or caring siblings that I could turn myself into or confide in. My family can only be best described as complicated. In fact, I wish they would bother me less.

I guess the closest person to me would be my bf. Looking at how things ended up lately, I can’t be sure of he’s the one I should trust in completely anymore. It’s pathetic, I know. I’m missing those gone moments where I used to trust without doubts. Will they ever return back to me? I just hate what I am feeling now. I can’t define happiness with a clear headed mind anymore. Life sucks. I have finally see him differently, not like I used to and it's sad.

S.H.E 我们怎么了

2009-08-05T17:49:00.002+08:00

S.H.E 我们怎么了

落泪以前再看一眼你模糊的脸
这会不会是最后纪念
我凝视你而你凝视窗外的阴天
一句抱歉都僵在嘴边
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否住着伤口
我想不透我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后是否
能让什么复活

你的笑脸还在胸前
晃动着昨天
为何回忆会让人晕血
如果我们继续向前走进雨里面
会不会有溶解的危险
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否住着伤口
我想不透我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后是否
能让什么复活

明明从前
连真挚都很甜美
现在怎会
说句话就冷冻一边
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否住着伤口
我想不透
我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后是否
能让什么复活
***************************************

Don't know why felt that this song somehow relates to my feelings right now. Certain things really happen out from your prediction and will things ever stay the same? I guess not. :(

Why it has to be like this.

2009-08-04T18:09:00.000+08:00

5.55pm
I just got my offer letter from HR on my conversion of contractual to permanent staff in Maxis. Hard work pays off. Finally, I got my so called promotion in black and white. I should be happy with what is offered to me now but I am not. I want back my laugher but I don’t know where to find it. Things I am so looking forward into doesn’t seem to matter now.

I am not okay…Who can I turn to, who can give me a hug of comfort and tell me things will be alright? Who can just protect me from all these pain and hurts? Why do I need to go through all these shit again? I broke down in tears again. Why loving a person can be this painful? Can’t it be a simplified? Can’t it be just you and me? What is all these now? I just want someone to love me unconditionally and not hurting me this way.

I don’t know how to let it out now. I’m really very very very unhappy. My right hand is so damn swollen with bruises and painful now. I don’t know what else I can do besides hurting myself. I don’t like and I really don’t want to injure myself ever again but I just did. Tears can’t stop flowing down my cheeks again looking at the facebook status, in a relationship with Steve Lai. I don’t know how to end it.

I'm such a fool.

2009-08-04T08:34:00.002+08:00

I woke up this morning and still I'm crying. What has gone wrong here? Why wanted to ruin those happy feelings I have about us? I don't know what can I get from you anymore. Even you turned up at my doorstep last night, I don't feel touched like I used to. I feel so suffocated. So wrong and sorry for myself. I thought I finally deserve someone better after what I have gone through. But it is not a real thing. What we have at first and what is left for us now?

What have I done not enough this time or eventually is it because I have done too much? I really have tried to be a good girlfriend for you. I don't rant how tired was I during those road trips, I tried to cut down staying in touch wit guys that are after-ing me, I stay at home most of the time and hardly go out anymore, I wanna work my ways in my career to be converted to permanent so I could get a smoother transfer to KL in later days. But I realized it's stupid to do all these because what I got in the end is not what I wanted at all.

Gone nuts.

2009-08-03T21:09:00.003+08:00

Joel,

I know you are reading my blog and you asked me if you could help...Yes. Please gather everyone in the center together to poo into a big pail and throw the pail at his ex's front gate, if you could dirty her car...that would be even more marvelous. I will love you to death. I will make sure you will get laid.

HA HA HA. I am actually crying while I'm typing this. I also don't know why. Argh!!!

Oh yar, if there's any left over shit in the pail, feel free to smash it on her face too! I will make sure you get laid with abundance of orgasms! Amen!

Yours truly.
Carmen Yew