Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A little surprise


A little surprise at work today With a card attached saying, Just to say Hi Hi...White Color Roses for U...







It is indeed a surprise, just a day before, someone threw me a question... Red or White... and i received a bouquet of white roses at work today. It truly adds a glimpse of excitement and color to my day. Thanks to you-know-who-you-are, i know you might read this post too :)

Besides, i have a date tonight. I have a feeling that it will be a good one... Can't wait for the clock to turn nine!

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Weekend in KL.

It’s going be four months for staying single; I really miss having someone to be there for me 24/7. I don’t mind if we don’t get to meet each other on a daily basis, I just want for someone to care genuinely. To be able to give me a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, and ears to listen…Very well said, right? I used to have all these and I love so much with bits and bits of everything done for me. But I was too greedy back then. I wanted more and more and more. Being ruinously demanding and taken his love for granted. I cared too much but with the wrong actions. Will I be the same towards my new partner in the future coming? I’m trap in fear.

I was in KL for the weekend. I skipped my Hadyai trip because I am broke in many ways and I know the roaming charges that I might engage into will be a big lump sum. To avoid for the stacking-up debts, I have chosen KL then. Another reason also, I wanted to meet up my best friend, Qian Fang. Have a fun outing with him, shopping and walking around; looking for good food, buying nice stuff...He has always been my favorite person on earth. In the late evening, I joined TikMan and Ashley and some other friends for drinking session at TTDI Plaza. 3 pints of Hoegarden has already knocked me off. The night before KL, I was at Lush and Barbeza for drinking too. :p On Sunday night after my KL trip, I went out DRINKING again with Ray and Loke at Shayo and Oval. I dragged baby Eliza’s sister, Jennifer, along. It’s like going back to the alcohol life and yesterday, I have tummy cramps. Luckily I have those left-over medicines to ease my tummy discomfort.


Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. Damn damn damn missing it now...


MingYan, Ashley, Me and TikMan @ Drinking Night at TTDI Plaza there


Qianfang, my most fav person on earth but i always dicth him for some other stuff.


And Grandma is being so cute! She holds my hands when we were doing grocery shopping at Tesco Hypermart last night after family dinner, and I am damn not used to it. :p

In that way, I miss my Grandpa suddenly. My youngest uncle is going to get married next month and now family has gathered more frequently to discuss about the marriage preparations and things certainly will be so much better if Grandpa is still alive.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

WEeEeEeEEEEeeeeeee....

“I have written you in my heart, but unfortunately God has not written you in my destiny”.

This is so true. You can’t fight against what doesn’t belong to you. Learned to let go of your grip and eventually, you will be a happier person. I am able to smile now. Without faking it out to others. I found a reason to be happy. Maybe it won’t last me a last time but living in the moment like this now, I am happy without trying at all.

I went for a drink with KF on Monday night. We are friends again. He decided to call back and accept things which I have finalized. I assumed. However, we have another issue now. We realized we can’t really communicate. We don’t share things in common at all. It is getting harder when I don’t seem wanted to share much. I am tired in being a chatter box at all times. Hope things will get better in the coming days. It is also considered a good thing that we don’t meet each other every single day like we used to, at least we can gather more topics to share (hopefully)

I went for a movie, “Date Night” with the conman. Yes, the conman who conned by me to have bought me Baskin Robbins ice cream and Famous Amos cookies. It was so difficult to ask him out- I was treated to eat lemon for TWICE! This time he went and bought tickets instead and I drove out without NRIC and driving license as I left my purse in the office. Damn “big head prawn”.

Friday, April 09, 2010

What to do on your off day?

Basically, I went to work to finish back my unbalanced center closing the night before. Grrr...Do lunchie with my beloved granny, aunt, and cousie and I feel like I am as if going back to the older days which I don’t need to work at all. How I missed the moment. :p


Ang Ang Hailam Mee...I used to eat this at least once every week with granny.

Done a little bit of shopping with my cousie and because of the damn rain that caused difficulty in getting to my car, we went for a movie, “How to train your dragon”. Worth watching! Then I went home with a 3 hours of good sleep because there is already a master plan for the night, which is to club in Club 9 at 11pm.


I wanna watch Shrek! I need a movie partner...

As usual, I was late and I have no luck in looking for a car park nearby. Feel like ciao-ing edi, which suddenly Favian (the guy who asked me out) managed to get a parking for me. I saw him pulling out a few ten ringgit notes and I was like…Hmmmph…Okay! Time to partaaayyyy…But I was rather much quiet that night. Ah Keong, Luis, KhaiMun and Favian were all there with some girls I don’t really know. I used to go out and club with them many many years ago as they were friends to my first ex, Wyman. Luis bought me two small bouquets of lilies from an aunty who approached us at the club… Stunned, of course.

Favian was dead drunk. LOL.


Ah Keong sat on these flowers hence they look cacat-ed.

I know KF has not been feeling well. Two days ago when Ray told me on that, I have an urge to text him to ask if he’s alright but friends around me advised me not to. If I wanted him not to feel hurtful about me anymore, I should stop questioning and stop caring for him. It’s difficult to put a measure of care towards someone. How can you possibly decide on the right amount of concern to be put up for someone you would like to care about but at the same time you don’t want them to think otherwise? So, I decided to cut the cord. Completely. I must be mean for his own good.

ps. i have an addiction. :) its wrong and its uncontrollable. but i dun want to turn away from this...mind me, i am just crapping to myself.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Disturbed mum

Mum thought I was high on drugs last night, screaming and laughing alone in my bedroom at wee hours, which actually I was not. It was a phone conversation with someone. God-damn-stupid-mother-fucker but a lovely one.

I started to cough back. Quite terrible that I hardly could get into my sleep, it must be the drastic change in weather lately. If possible, I want to be on medical leave for one whole week and have a short getaway somewhere near by the beachside with a bottle of Heineken and a good book as companionship. I know it won’t work. Most prolly I will be clingy to telephone calls and sms with that bastard. HAHAHA!

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

So, where do we go from now?

5th APRIL 2010. 1.30 am
Things seem to be unable to relapse back to the same old days before. Things uttered out cannot be taken back as well. So where do we go from now? When I read the over-lengthy sms KF sent me, I assumed that he has gone too tired in pursuing me and maybe, its too time consuming to chase after the empty air. With the message contents, I have concluded he has given up. I don’t feel that it is an erroneous decision; in fact, I really think I am not the right kind of girl he is looking into.

I appreciate the every little thing he has done for me. From being my personal “taxi driver” to becoming a dear friend who has a great patience dealing with my broken moments and keeping me accompanied in whatever I wanted to do. I do not care what others may see it that I am taking him for granted. Honestly I have never asked for anything from him nor do I demand him to treat me this way. I understand when you love a person; you will go all out and reach out for him/her and always wanted her to be in the best condition in life. Hence, he has done all those just for me. All these would not have happened if I didn't show interest for him from the beginning. I wanted to try if I may like him and in fact I do...but the feelings are very ephemeral. It happened too quickly and it ended too fast as well. The "like" can only maintain as it is and I can't form it into love although I do want to.

The only problem now is…ME. I don’t find him as my Mr. Right. I am not having definite specification on how my Mr. Right should be…but my inner self told me, he is not the one at the moment. I know I have been falling too many times for the wrong ones that I should really start to think to find someone who can be at a great patience to guide me and to grow old with me without leaving me. Who on earth doesn’t hope for this?

Love can be never fair, can be never equal. This amount of love you have poured out, you can’t possibly be assured to reclaim back the same amount of it. Yes, love can be frustrating but only if you have too many to expect or to demand than to really offer to others.

KF told me he is not pushing me to becoming his girlfriend but he has not realized the every little thing he has been doing has suffocated me circuitously. I don’t want him to stay in my room to watch me sleep at wee hours. I don’t like him being so extra sensitive with me interacting with others. He can’t tell me jokes that will make me laughed so hard till I fall from my bed. He can’t baby talk with me till I fall asleep with a smiling face still. He can never play sms with me interactively without being needy to meet up for a week or more. He can only make sure of my well being but you are not holding the key to my heart. Why I love my ex so much and I still do…basically is because I love doing these entire impractical things with him.

The almost 45 minutes spent in his car outside my house trying to talk things out has lead me to come to realize, we don’t match. KF kept telling me he understands, but I know he doesn’t. Why wanted to show others my written thoughts deliberately, I know my blog is not privatized but I just don’t find it comfortable that the blog has been made to read by others without much of self- voluntary. I know I am really mean that I don’t allow him to have one more minute to talk about this but even if I am giving him an hour…it is not going to bring us anywhere. I had enough of being in a relationship…why wanted me to commit which I don’t want to. Why can’t I just be where I am at now without being restricted? What do you all want from me? Another guy friend also suddenly wanted to be pushy…I need a break from all this. I don’t know why but I love staying at home more than anything else nowadays and I don't wish to drown myself with relationship issues anymore…If only I have the guts to just leave this place and find some peace somewhere and start afresh. All from nil. If only…

Saturday, April 03, 2010

Wrong Girl = ME.

Yesterday right after work, all the plan to go out mingle has been cancelled simply due to my mood swing. Period has yet to come but I just can’t find a reason why am I feeling extremely down in the dumps and not wanting to go out but stayed in my room for the whole freaking night. Those feelings almost eat me up and I feel like crying-again. Has love gone wrong again? Most prolly NOT as I am still single and remain unattached (surprisingly)…who could bring such an impact if it isn’t my ex still?


My mind was so trashed up that I accidentally cut my finger. :(

KF has texted me with a super duper long message yesterday, from his content, I think he is telling me he has given up in pursuing me. I would not say it is an incorrect decision, I know he has been too tired figuring how to help me from my slump and how to be “the one” for me. He even tried reading my blog to understand me better and he could be reading this post by now. In fact, he is a very nice guy but it’s just that he has fallen for the wrong girl. ME.



He got me this charm bracelet from HongKong, by wearing it on my left hand; he assumes the scars on my wrist can be hidden. I never hated my scars in some ways and in fact, they are hardly visible to whoever’s sight…I just hated my mind because I can’t get it straight to accept him. He has always been around for me. Almost 24/7. But that is not what I want… I also don’t know what I want. Sigh… Give me back my ex. Please?

My ex called. Not the current one but my second one, Skeet @ Hamster. We chatted for a while and I am glad to know that after for so many broken relationships he went into after me…He has finally found a girl which he claimed close resembling the feelings he ever wanted. Someone whom he doesn’t mind to sacrifice to be with…I also wanted to find those feelings, someone who you will risk off everything to love him. Must persistently remind myself jor…Good things come to those who wait. Mr. Right…I am waiting for you still, okay mou?

I didn't cry in the end...I talked with Bubujiak and I demanded him to amuse me but he kept on pissing me off. For freaking 3 hours. Grrr...And now, I am fishing at work. Feel like slapping myself...to stay awake.

Friday, April 02, 2010

Some random shots




Sashimi @ Ten Good again. April's Fool lunchie treat by conman.


Camwhoring with youngest bro, Joe, when praying our ancestors for Cheng Beng


Baskin Robbins's Chocolate Ice Cream on 31st. Lucky Day because con people buy geh..



Cousins :)


Foh San Dim Sum with baby Eliza and her mummy... The most expensive day of the month. Not the food but my car tyres after the breakfast